


Carry Me

by LFW10



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 137,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFW10/pseuds/LFW10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>She knows her time is slowly winding down but how do you tell the one you can't live without that you have to leave them?</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Come on Ashlyn! You’re so slow!” I hear Kelley yelling at me from the other side of the car.

“You have to be kidding babe? It’s because I’m carrying all of our stuff.” I say lifting my arms full of bags.

“A lady should never have to carry her own things.” Kelley says trying to sound sophisticated.

“And what makes you a lady O’Hara and not poor Harris over there?” Tobin asks laughing at Kelley.

“I have class and she doesn’t.” Kelley says in a fake British accent sticking her chin in the air. 

This has Tobin and her girlfriend Alex in an uproar of laughter. Kelley skips to the cabin we rented out for the weekend while the rest of us unpack the car.

“Watch yourself Kell or you’re sleeping outside.” I warn teasingly.

The four of us decided to rent out a cabin out in the middle of nowhere for the weekend, Kelley’s idea of course. She was always getting us to go on adventures to new places. 

I bring our stuff into the cabin and to the first bedroom I can find. The cabin is absolutely incredible with beautiful furniture carved and handmade out of wood. The furniture and the atmosphere had a rustic nature feel to it. The kitchen was all new stainless steel appliances, the bathrooms had amazing tile work and a huge glass shower with two shower heads with a built in seated area in the actual shower. This place was like a picture out of a magazine. 

I walk outside to tell Kelley to come in to check the place out but she’s by a tree on all fours.

“Uh what is she doing?” I ask curiously.

“She’s trying to get a squirrel to come to her by using food from the cooler.” Alex sighs.

Tobin looks over at Alex and puts her arm around her shoulder. “Thank god I got the normal one.” Tobin says proudly and we all burst out laughing.

Kelley was her own person through and through. She was the most enthusiastic, spontaneous, unusual girl I have ever met. 

“Um Kell when you are done trying to play with your woodland friend. We will be in the cabin having normal human conversations.” I say before turning around and walking into our weekend getaway home.

Kelley walks in a couple minutes later making her presence known with her loud mouth.

“Holy shit guys this place is sick.” She shouts as she walks into our bedroom. 

“Ashlyn this shower is bigger than ours so maybe we can actually have sex in this one.” We hear her yell from the bathroom.

“Come on Kell.” Alex yells back at her laughing.

All I can do is shake my head at Kelley as she walks into the living room and sits down on my lap, giving me a quick kiss.

Tobin looks up from the brochure she’s reading, “There are trails right near our cabin that lead to a lake so who is in for some hiking and swimming?” 

“I’m in.” We all say in unison.

*

The woods here are gorgeous with trees surrounding us on both sides, but with enough space to see in between each one. The sun is barely passing through the leaves causing small spots of sunlight on the floor of the woods.

We finally reach an opening that comes to a small clearing of sand and a huge beautiful lake. The lake is so light blue that it almost looks completely see through. The sun is dancing off the lake and onto our skin, engulfing us in its warm embrace.

“Come on Kelley get in the water.” Alex yells.

“Yeah you do not need that blow up thing.” Tobin adds.

Kelley is sitting on the small beach blowing up a blow up shark that you would put in the pool. I’m not surprised at all that she brought one because it is Kelley after all. After she was done she finally joined us in the water with her shark right by her side.

“You guys are just jealous that you didn’t think to bring one.” She says and we all just roll our eyes.

We all watch as she struggles to get on the shark and when she finally does she looks at us all triumphantly having the biggest smug look on her face.

“I bet you all wish you were me right now.” She says sitting up straighter.

She lasts about thirty seconds on the toy before she slowly starts sinking into the water. 

“What the hell?” she says looking around wondering why her shark was deflating. “Oh my god it as a hole!” she says distraught. We all laugh at her again because Kelley has the worst luck ever. 

Before Kelley can start pouting I’m underneath her grabbing her foot and heaving her into the air. Kelley is small so she actually gets good height in the air.  
When she pops up from underneath the water I can’t stop the grin on my face as she narrows her eyes at me.

Kelley’s freckles show more with the sun hitting her face creating a flawless glow against her smooth skin. I watch as the water drips down her face onto her chest, down to her flat stomach. Kelley has an amazing body from all the years that she played soccer in high school and college. 

“Watch yourself Harris.” She says to me as she jumps into my arms, wrapping her legs around me.

“What are you going to do about it O’Hara.” I challenge her as she uses her weight to pull me under.

We spend the next hour goofing off in the water, playing games like chicken with Tobin and Alex. We spent the rest of the morning and afternoon tanning under the sun, telling stories to each other about our childhoods or about college. 

*

We head back to the cabin just as the sun begins to set to start cooking dinner. 

“I’m starving, I could die.” Kelley complains as she dramatically flops herself on the couch.

“You’re so dramatic Kelley.” Tobin teases.

Tobin, Alex, and I start our regular routine we have when it comes to cooking. I cook the meat while Tobin cooks the vegetables, and Alex cuts up various ingredients for the dishes or salad. 

By the time dinner is ready Kelley is peacefully passed out on the couch. Her face is relaxed, her mouth slightly open, and she looks adorable. 

I lean in and kiss her on the mouth, she stirs a little so I give her another kiss this time feeling her kiss back. 

I smile breaking our kiss, “Dinners ready babe.” 

“About time.” She tries to pretend to be mad but she looks so cute when she first wakes up that it doesn’t work.

“This is amazing.” Kelley says as she puts a mouthful into her mouth.

“I know Kell you did an amazing job cooking.” Alex teases.

“What can I say I’m just gifted.” Kelley says arrogantly. 

“You’re so dumb Kell.” Tobin says laughing as she shakes her head.  
“But really guys I’m glad we made this trip to spend the weekend together. I wouldn’t want to have spent tonight celebrating Mine and Ash’s two year anniversary with anyone but you two.” Kelley says seriously.

“I completely agree with you. I wouldn’t want to spend Mine and Tobin’s two year anniversary with anyone but you two as well.” Alex says leaning in to kiss Tobin.

Tobin and I have been best friends since we roomed together at UNC. We lived together all four years and then moved out to California right after graduation. Alex and Kelley have been best friends since they we’re little. We met them one day at the beach and we we’re in separable ever since. We even asked Kelley and Alex out on the same day during one of our many double dates. We have spent every anniversary together going on monthly trips to celebrate. 

I grab Kelley’s hand smiling at her pulling her in for a quick kiss. I raise my glass high in the air, “To the three most favorite people in the world.” I cheers as we all clink cups together.

*

We go outside after cleaning up dinner to start a fire in the fire pit. Kelley and Alex grabbed the s’mores stuff while Tobin and I got the fire going.

Kelley gave all of us a proper s’mores tutorial that ended up with her getting a bunch of marshmallow in her hair and all of us in pain from the laughter. 

“Kelley I don’t know how you manage half of the things that you do.” Alex smiles at Kelley trying to get the marshmallow out of her hair.

“Just my impeccable poise.” She says frustrated.

“Seriously though like remember that one time we went fishing? Kelley was so excited to catch her fish that she reeled it in so fast it came back and hit her in the face.” Tobin was hysterically laughing remember our first fishing trip together.

“Oh my god yeah she fell out of the boat!” I remember not being able to contain my amusement.

“Or the time when she convinced us to enter a badminton tournament and she swung so hard the racquet came back and hit her in the back of the head. We had to take her to the ER for a concussion.” Alex chimes in getting us all to laugh even louder.

“Oh Ha Ha lets all have a good laugh at Kelley.” She says getting up but I pull her into my lap.

“I wouldn’t have you any other way.” I say kissing her, “Well besides naked.” 

I got her to smile then as she pushes my face away from her.

“Save it for later. I’m still digesting.” Alex says.

“Oh please Miss ‘I’m Almost There Tobin Don’t Stop.’” I mock Alex from the time we had conjoining hotel rooms and we’re up all night listening to her and Tobin.

Alex face turns bright red but Tobin was bent over laughing loudly.

“It’s true babe you are super loud.” Tobin nudges her girlfriend who receives a glare in return.

“Don’t even think you’re going to get any tonight now Heath.” Alex warns. 

Kelley falls to her knees looking up to the sky “Praise Jesus.” 

“I guess we won’t need our industrial ear plugs anymore Kell.” I say adding to her joke.

Alex swats Kelley’s arm trying to glare but failing miserably as she stares at her best friend. 

The night continues with light banter as we all tease and joke with each other. By the time we ran out of fire wood Alex was on Tobin’s lap and Kelley on mine. Alex was whispering into Tobin’s hear and Tobin was smiling at whatever it was.

I felt a shock go through my body as I felt Kelley’s teeth lightly bite on my earlobe. 

“I want you.” Kelley whispers in my ear.

I look into her eyes that are lit up by the fire as she stares intently at me, the look in her eyes telling me everything I needed to know. 

I stand up placing Kelley on her feet, “Alright guys we’re going to head to bed and by the looks of you two. You’re ready too.”

I start to walk away but I don’t hear Kelley next to me so I look back.

“Kell are you coming?” I ask.

“Carry me.” She says pouting. 

“Ugh come on Kell not tonight.” I say protesting.

“You know the drill Harris do it or we will be here for hours.” Alex says knowing Kelley’s routine.

I give in turning around as Kelley jumps on my back and I carry her back to the cabin.

*

Once we get into the bedroom I go to the bathroom to get ready for bed but when I come out Kelley is standing next to the bed facing away from me.  
She pulls off her shirt allowing me to stare at the freckles that are perfectly placed on her shoulders leading down her back. In the summer her freckles became even more prominent casting patterns all along her skin.

She turns to look at me her eyes staring dangerously at me as she reaches behind her unhooking her bra, letting it drop to the floor. I come up behind her sliding my hands across her hips, towards the front of her torso, my fingers lightly skimming the inside of her waistband.

She leans into me as I kiss her on the neck, inhaling the mixture of her perfume and the wood smoke from the fire, the smell is intoxicating. I continue to kiss down her neck and onto her shoulders as I unbutton her jean shorts letting them slide down her legs as she gracefully steps out of them pushing them to the side with her foot.

My hand skims across the lace underwear lightly feeling her stomach concave as she inhales deeply. I don’t hesitate to slide my hand inside of them and down farther to feel the wetness.

“Already babe?” I ask teasingly as I slowly start to rub her clit.

“Mhm” she manages as she bites her lip and leans her head farther back.

I find the perfect rhythm continuing circular motions as Kelley lets out a moan. One of her hands moves to grab the back of my neck as the other hand is directed to her breast. Kelley and I never knew how to go slow when it came to sex, we were both impatient.

I increased the speed of my hand as my other hand caressed and teased her nipple with my fingers. Kelley started leaning her entire weight into me causing my free hand to have to hold her tight against me to hold her up as my other hand picked up momentum.

“Ashlyn” She moaned and I knew she was getting close.

“Take them off.” I tell her as she pulls her underwear down her legs and flicks them off.

In one swift motion I turned her around and put her on the edge of the bed as I get on my knees. I grab her legs placing them on my shoulders, wrapping my arms around her thighs as my tongue finds her clit Kelley gasping at the new contact.

Kelley laced her fingers into my hair as my tongue glided, swirled, and flicked across her clit. Her breathing became short as I pressed my tongue harder against her. Her fingers tighten in my hair as her back arched and her body lost complete control of her muscles.

“Ashlyn” She breathed quickly letting out a string of moans as she came undone under my tongue.

Her body didn’t have time to relax as I continued my assault against her causing her body to jolt upwards again as I made her cum a second time. Her moans were loud as she breathed out during her climax, her fingers scratching my scalp as she pulled my hair. My tongue moved down to taste her as her body slowly relaxed, her muscles unclenching.

“Come here.” she breathed as she began to catch her breath.

I wrapped my arm under her waist as I pick her up scooting her farther back on the bed. She reaches down to pull my shirt off tossing it on the floor. She runs her hands down my chest, to my stomach, and stopping right below my bully button, causing a shudder to roll down my body.

She sat up, turning her body, flipping us so she was on top. She kissed me again more urgently this time as her thumbs slid across my nipples. She moves her lips down to my neck biting softly a moan escaping my mouth. I feel her hands slide from my breasts to the waist line of my shorts.

“Let’s take these off of you.” She whispers in my ear the heat from her breath sends chills down my spine.

I lift my butt up so she can slide them off, grabbing my underwear along with my shorts, she doesn’t waste any time. She moves over so she’s straddling one of my legs as she slowly starts to rub herself against me, moving her hips back and forth.

Kelley bites her lip as she closes her eyes and leans back. I love watching her my eyes scanning over her body I unconsciously move my hand to find her clit to help her but she grabs my hand as soon as I make contact.

Her eyes are dark with lust as she bends down kissing the corner of my mouth. Her lips move to my ear, “It’s your turn.” she whispers her voice filled with desire as her hand slides down.

I moan as soon as her hand starts creating circular motions as my hips rise instinctively. Kelley doesn’t know the meaning of slow when it comes to sex. In only takes her a matter of minutes before I’m close to the edge. I let out a whimper gripping the sheets trying to control the rising sensation inside of me. Kelley knows that sound all too well as she moves down finishing me with her tongue. Her tongue is pressed hard against me with a clear purpose that sends me in a downward spiral in seconds as my body jolting upward, muscles trembling under her.

She crawls towards me as I let myself come down, muscles unclenching. She kisses me, opening her mouth, I reciprocate opening mine as her tongue slides in.

I pull away, “Come on babe you know I hate when you do that.” I chastise her as I taste myself on her tongue.

She gives me an innocent look that she’s perfected over the years, “What do you mean?”

“You’re such a brat” I say not being able to hide the smile creeping up on my face.

She leans in to try to kiss me again but we both jump at what seems like a scream pierces through the cabin. She looks at me concern apparent in her features as we both go to get up. 

We stop as we hear a strangled “Tobin.” a few moments later.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Kelley says incredulously, “I thought someone died.”

We both burst out laughing thinking how unbelievable it is that Alex is that loud.

“I knew she was loud but that was inhuman.” I joke. “We’re never going to be able to sleep tonight.”

Kelley arches her eyebrow as she says, “Well I know one way to drown them out.”

“How about we go break in that shower?” I suggest.

Kelley and I spend the next couple of hours exploring every inch of each other’s bodies and trying things in the shower that the one at home doesn’t allow us to. By the time we’re done Kelley can barely stand, her muscles are sore and her legs are unsteady. She’s sitting in the shower on the built in tiled seat while I grab some towels. I dry myself off, wrapping it around my body as I throw hers to her.

“Will you do it for me?” Kelley says exhausted.

I sigh heavily so she hears it as I walk into the shower. I gently start to wrap the towel around her hair soaking in the moisture. Once her hair is just damp she sticks her legs out allowing me to dry each one, one at a time. I pull her up as she leans most of her weight against me. She leaves kisses along my collar bone as I dry her back and shoulders. I wrap the towel around her torso wrapping my arms around her waist as I gently kiss her. A previous chore becoming an intimate moment but this is what happens with Kelley. Everything that involves Kelley turns into something so much more. It is one of the reasons I fell in love with her, the way she makes me feel even when it’s something I have to do for her.

I reluctantly pull away knowing she’s exhausted and step out of the shower as she slowly follows me.

“Carry me.” Kelley pouts giving me her sad puppy dog eyes.

“You’re spoiled Kell.” I say drying my hair with a towel but I lift her up anyways and carry her to the bedroom.

I let her down so I can gather my pajamas to put them on. Once I’m dressed I turn around putting my hair up in a messy bun to see her still standing there in her towel looking at me. I give her a pointed look as I grab her pajamas from her bag. She instantly drops her towel stopping me for a moment to appreciate how gorgeous she really is. I could never get enough of those freckles or how flawless her skin looks.

I walk towards her, grabbing her face in my hand stroking her freckled cheek. She had the most faultless features that made me lose my breath whenever I looked at her. I kissed her before helping her put on her oversized tee shirt. As she stepped into her underwear, I pull them up feeling goose bumps as my finger tips brushed up her legs. She turns around as I put her hair up into a bun before she turns around facing me. 

I bring my hands under her shirt wrapping my arms around her waist kissing her once more.

“What did I do to deserve you?” she says smiling at me from across the bed as we both lay down.

“Must’ve been something really awful” I tease getting a laugh from her.

“I love you Ash.” She says kissing me laying her head on my chest.

“I love you too babe.” I say as she curls up into my side.

“Always?” She asks me like she does every night before bed.

“Never.” Is always my reply as I feel her lips curl up into a smile as she places a soft kiss on my neck before drifting off to sleep.

*

I wake up feeling my body bounce up and down on the mattress as Kelley has a leg on each side of me jumping on the bed.

“Babe it’s too early for this.” 

Kelley suddenly drops down straddling me while slamming into my stomach at the same time. I let out another groan as she plants a kiss on my forehead.

“No it’s not so get ready and come eat the breakfast Tobin and Alex made.” 

I grudgingly got up and ready for the day before heading out to the kitchen.

“Well well well look who it is. I have to say Ash you look ravishing in the morning.” Tobin jokes as she passes me a plate of pancakes and coffee. 

“Yeah well I didn’t get much sleep thanks to your siren over there.” I say pointing to Alex who looks embarrassed.

Tobin kisses Alex on the head before sitting down next to her to eat.

“Aw leave my girl alone Harris. She can’t help that I’m that good.” Tobin smirks

"Don't forget flexible." Kelley says under her breath.

“Kelley.” Alex all of a sudden yells staring at her wide eyed.

“Whoa what did you just say?” I laugh as Tobin’s face turns bright red.

“Lex said that Tobin can bend in ways that you couldn’t even imagine.” Kelley jokes.

“I hate you Kelley.” Alex says glaring at her.

“Babe did you really say that? I am so flattered.” Tobin says as she bends her wrist talking in a valley girl voice.

We all laugh not being able to control the contagious happiness that’s filling the room.

“So guys I found a map this morning in our dresser drawer that marks a place for geocaching and I figured it would be fun to do.” Tobin suggests.

“I’m in.” We all say doing our usual tradition whenever we we’re about to go on an adventure.

*

 

“Guys I think we’re lost.” Kelley says as she looks at the navigation system that was left with the map.

“We can’t be lost Kelley we’ve been walking in a straight line the whole time.” Tobin chuckles. 

“Oh well I want to find this thing already!” Kelley exclaims excitedly.

“You’re so impatient Kell.” Alex says grabbing the navigation system from Kelley.

I see Kelley’s lips pout slightly so I tap her butt causing her to smile a little.

“Come on babe let’s find this treasure chest.” 

We walked in the woods weaving in and out of trails until we finally got to our destination. 

“Alright guys start looking for a dark green box. It’s usually hidden slightly so it shouldn’t be super hard to find.” Tobin states as she starts to look around. 

We spend the next twenty minutes searching the area but no one can find it.

“Babe I thought you said this would be easy.” Alex says slightly frustrated.

“They usually are!” Tobin replies.

“This is ridiculous guys how hard is it to fin-” Kelley abruptly stops as she falls backwards to the ground.

We all burst out in hysterical laughter as she lays there laughing at herself.

“You’re such a cluts.” I tease her as I walk over to help her up.

“A cluts that just found what we’ve been looking for.” Tobin says picking the box up.

“How am I not surprised.” Alex says chuckling to herself.

“Alright guys everyone hand me the stuff you brought to put in it.” Tobin says.

Alex hands her a key chain that she bought in Italy with a note attached to it.

I hope this experiences many adventures. - A.M.

Tobin puts in a ripped page from the bible she always carries around with her own note.

I hope this guides you bringing you faith when needed. - T.H.

I put in a shot glass that I bought when I first turned 21 that was always in the dashboard of my car.  
I hope this brings you a good time where ever you go.–A.H.

Kelley pulls the necklace she’s wearing out and places it in a baggy with her note. 

 

“Whoa whoa whoa you’re putting the necklace I got you in there?” I question her. 

The necklace she put in the box I had bought for her on our one year anniversary. It was half of an angel wing with my initials inscribed on the back. I had the other one that had her initials on the back of it. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed that she would give it up to a complete stranger.

“It says to put something in that you value so I am.” She states back like it’s no big deal.

She places the baggy with the note in the box, closes it shut, and then reburies it. 

She looks up at me and immediately can tell that I’m not happy with her decision but she walks past me and leads the way back to the cabin. 

*

The sun is just setting and I still feel annoyed about Kelley putting her necklace geocache box.

I just got the fire started when I heard footsteps behind me and felt her brush against me as she sat down.

“You’re mad at me.” She says simply.

“Just a little.” I say back.

“Because I put the necklace you got me for our one year in the box.” She states it as a fact not a question.

“Yes Kelley you never take off that necklace then you just give it away.” I say it and she returns my bothered look with a knowing look in her eyes.

“You know I’ve never been as happy as I have been with you these past two years. You have brought so much light into my life. I want that necklace to bring someone else the same thing that you brought me. I don’t need that necklace to love you Ash.” She says smiling at me like it should’ve been obvious all along.

“You’re such a sap.” I say to her with a small smile reaching for her hand. 

“Plus this means you have to get me more jewelry. I’m thinking big, big diamonds just really expensive big diamonds.” She says pretending to be serious.

Her eyebrows are raised as her lips are tilted downward and I think she’s the only person who can do it and make it look like a smile. She is so fucking adorable.

“I love you.” I say kissing her.

“I love you too Ash.” She says as her lips find mine once more.

*

We spend the next couple of hours sitting by the fire enjoying each other’s company. Alex and Tobin walk down to the fire sitting with us for a while. We all sit in comfortable silence as the heat from the fire creates a peaceful mood.

“I think that we should spend tonight together like the four of us.” Kelley says breaking the silence.

“We are Kelley it’s only us here.” Alex says smiling at her.

“No I mean like we should all sleep together” she says innocently. Kelley has a way of wording things that people usually take in a different way then she meant it, like now for example. Of course we all know what she means but we still like to give her a hard time about it.

“Wow Kell I never thought you’d be interested in something like that.” Tobin pretends to seem uncomfortable.

“You know what I think an orgy with all of us would spice up our relationships.” I say completely serious.

“You know you’re right Ash. I think it would be great to try something new.” Alex says catching on. 

“Guys! That is not what I meant and you know it.” She says her face in shock as we all burst out laughing.

“You guys are such assholes sometimes.” She says folding her arms and staring at the fire with a small pout.

“We’re kidding Kell. Tell us what you really meant.” Alex says.

“No.”

“Come on dude we wanna know.” Tobin says lightheartedly.

“Nope.” Kelley says continuing to be stubborn.

I reached over grabbing her hand kissing it lightly trying to butter her up.

“Babe” I say in a small voice, “Will you please tell me what you meant?” I try my hardest to sound innocent enough for her to cave in and she does.

She smiles at all of us telling us her idea, “What I meant was I think we should build a blanket fort.” 

*

An hour later we’re all underneath a giant blanket fort that we built inside the living room. We brought out our mattresses to sleep on using every blanket we could find to create the enclosure.  
We all lay there tired from the past couple of day’s activity. 

“Best fort ever I think.” Tobin says accomplished.

“Agreed” Alex says through a yawn.”Good idea KO.” 

“Well we could still do your other idea.” I say smirking towards the group receiving an elbow to the side from Kelley.

“Shut up Ash.” She says sleepily.

“I’m so glad we made this trip guys.” I confess.

“I know dude it’s been a great weekend we definitely need to start planning our next one soon.” Tobin says.

“I was thinking Montana. There is a lake there that’s so clear you think it’s shallow when really it’s super deep.” Kelley suggests.

We all chuckle at her because she is always moving onto the next adventure never getting enough of it. 

“I think that the planning can wait for the car ride home tomorrow but for now let’s just sleep.” Alex says cuddling closer to Tobin.

“Alright alright.” Kelley says kissing me goodnight. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” I say back closing my eyes.

“Always?” she whispers in my ear.

Keeping my eyes close I smile as I pull her closer, “Never.” I reply.

*

“Shotgun!” Kelley yells even though she knows she gets the passenger seat in my car every time.

“Do you think maybe we should just leave her here?” Tobin suggests.

“Sadly I think she would survive perfectly fine out here by herself” Alex says seriously.

We haul everything into the Jeep before saying goodbye to our weekend home. Kelley is already blaring a song in the car singing enthusiastically along to it.

I look back to the rustic cabin and the nature that surrounds us like I should feel sad to leave such a beautiful place but when I look back at the car and I see Kelley serenading Tobin and Alex I know that it doesn’t matter where I go as long as Kelley is with me. Where ever Kelley is, is where I find complete happiness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She knows her time is slowly winding down but how do you tell the one you can't live without that you have to leave them?

I wake up out of my sleep feeing the cold, empty space next to me knowing Kelley is no longer beside me and I let out a sigh as my mind shifts to last night’s fight. Kelley and I never fight, yes we have our disagreements, but we never actually fight.

Kelley and I’s relationship has been strained and I still don’t understand why.

Usually I can read Kelley so well I don’t have to ask her to know what she’s thinking but lately I don’t have a clue. All I know is that I need her.

I get out of bed and put on one of my UNC soccer hoodies before making my way down to the beach where I know Kelley will be.

The house we own is right on a piece of water front so it’s a quick walk down to the beach.

It’s early in the morning, the sun hasn’t even risen yet and as I make my way down I can see the small outline of Kelley’s body sitting down facing the water. When I finally reach her I sit behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her close to me in between my legs. She leans her head back placing her hands on my forearms.

“Hey pretty girl,” I say kissing her cheek. “It’s way too early to be up.”

“I know but I couldn’t sleep.” She sighs. I hear the heaviness in it knowing she is still thinking about last night.

“I’m sorry for getting so upset at the engagement party last night, I didn’t mean what I said and I hope you know that.” I squeeze her tighter wanting to reassure her.

“I know Ash." Her voice is sad with exhaustion evident in her tone. "And I’m sorry too. You every right to be upset with me I know I haven't been myself lately, but I've just had a lot going on. I really don’t mean to be so distant.”

“It doesn’t matter Kell I shouldn’t have accused you of that or blown up at you in front of everyone.” I can feel the guilt finally settling in at last night’s memories of the party.

*

Tobin and Alex we’re celebrating their engagement tonight and I tried hard to not feel resentment towards them. Kelley and I had been together for four years now and we still hadn’t made that next step but not from the lack of trying on my part.

The celebration was in full swing, everyone dancing and chatting, the excitement clearly buzzing through the air. I tried to enjoy myself but Kelley had been ignoring me more than usual today and it was beyond the point of getting under my skin.

Kelley and I have always been in perfect sync with each other. We we’re the definition of open books and we rarely ever held anything in. This past month has been different though I can never read her thoughts and she gives me poor excuses for the way she’s been acting.

I sat there at a table by myself, barely being able to touch my beer when Sydney came to sit down next to me.

“Where’s my dance partner at?” She says nudging me.

“Not in the mood to dance Syd.” I say taking a swig of my beer avoiding her gaze.

“That is crazy talk you and I both know that your inner dance warrior is trying to escape!”

I laugh at how ridiculous she can be but I just didn’t have it in me. “I’ll be there in a bit Syd.”

“Okay but don’t think I won’t be back with reinforcement if you’re not. Kristie and HAO promised me that we could do our dance routine for everyone and you are not backing out of it.”

I sat there for several more songs before Heather and Kristie came off the dance floor sweating and out of breath.

“Sydney never stops moving.” Heather panted, “She’s not human.”

“I don’t know how she can go so low still keeping her balance.” Kristie says trying to catch her breath.

I let out a halfhearted laugh at the sight of them and I know they can tell something’s wrong.

“What’s wrong Ash? Are you jealous of HAO’s dance moves?” Kristie jokes.

“That is exactly it. I just can’t compete out there with her shining over everyone.”

Heather places a hand on my shoulder, “Hey now not everyone can have the skills that I possess. But really dude usually you’re out there with your girl making a fool of yourselves. What’s up?”

Kristie and Heather have been long time friends of Kelley and I, they know us well always referring to us as the ‘unbreakable couple’. I can feel the bitterness in my thoughts coming through. If that was the case then why do I feel so broken.

“Oh she is just grumpy because Kelley won’t agree to get married even though Ash hasn’t actually asked her.” Sydney comes over twirling and all.

“Shut up Syd.” I say glaring at her.

"No can do Ash." She smiles sweetly at me and then continues, "Then our friend Tobin," she points across the way to where Tobin and Alex were entertaining a group of people, "Well, she got impatient and asked Alex and so now their weird tradition of doing everything together is squashed.”

"Sydney!" I exclaim.

"What? It’s true. Tobin left you high and dry because you’re a chicken. Who knew Tobin would be the one to get the balls to pop the question first.” She shoves me lightly and I can't help but laugh.

“Yeah and now I lost the bet.” Heather mumbles.

“You bet on which one of us would ask first?” I said shaking my head at my friends.

“Yeah Heather thought you would, Kristie thought Tobin would ask first, and I thought they would dump your asses before either of you even got a chance.” Sydney says smirking.

“You guys are ridiculous.” I say not being surprised honestly.

“Anyway better ask her quick Ash don’t want her to get stolen away from you.” Kristie banters.

“If you need tips on wooing the ladies” HAO starts off confident but we all know better, “…well I’m sure someone can help.” HAO says. We all burst out laughing at the thought of Heather being able to woo anyone besides her husband who she has been happily married to for the past couple of years.

A few more songs play as Kristie defends her outfit choice to Sydney. I barely listen to their banter lost in my own thoughts until the lights dim and a slow song comes on, everyone pairing off to dance.

I watch as Kelley breaks through the crowd looking for me. I see her spot me but I don’t make the move to get up.

Kelley had a talent of finding me no matter how large the crowd, it was like a sixth sense with her.

“Will you dance with me?” Kelley says once she’s finally reached me, her hand out stretched towards me.

“I’m not in the mood to dance Kell.” I say rejecting her hand.

“Come on babe. Will you please dance with me?” She says smiling.

“I’m sure there are other people you would rather dance with.”

“What is that suppose to me?” She says giving me a frustrated look.

“It means that you can’t act cold towards me for the past month, ignore me all day today, and then think that I’ll be around when it’s convenient for you.” I hadn’t realized how loud I had gotten or how I stood up abruptly, standing only a couple inches from her face.

People from other tables and party goers were now eyeing us suspiciously including Syd and Kristie who slowly move away from our table. Alex and Tobin started to make their way towards us but I couldn’t deal with anyone’s questions or concern so I walked out of the tent that they had set up in their backyard.

I heard footsteps behind me knowing that they we’re Kelley’s but I didn’t stop until I was yards away from the party.

“Will you stop walking away from me and talk to me please.” I hear the sternness in her voice.

“On now you want to talk to me?” I say bitterly.

“Ashlyn what are you talking about?”

I turn around abruptly, “I mean that I am not the one that seems to have a problem talking Kelley.”

“Ash, I-”

I cut her short. “No Kelley. I don't want to hear any more excuses." I stick my hands in my pockets and shake my head, "I can’t deal with how distant you’ve been I’ve put up with it long enough.”

“I haven’t been distant Ashlyn. I’ve already told you that work has just been really stressful.”

A sigh blows past my lips and I shift on my feet, “I can’t keep doing this Kelley. We haven’t been the same, especially you. You’re never around.” I do my best to hold back tears.

“You’re overreacting.” Her statement was enough to push me completely over the edge.

“Don’t fucking tell me I’m overreacting. You aren’t the one who is always alone in that fucking house, you aren’t the one eating every meal alone, and you aren’t the one waking up alone every fucking morning.” I couldn’t hold it in any longer and the words just kept pouring out.

“That isn’t true.” she says pointedly.

“How can you say it isn’t? We aren’t us anymore and you know that.”

“Yes we are. I’m sorry that work has been keeping me busy.” She says using the same poor excuse as always.

“Are you cheating on me?” I say finally asking the question that’s been in the back of my mind for months. I feel my shoulders slump I never thought I would have to question Kelley’s loyalty to me but here I was questioning everything.

“How could you even think that?” Kelley says the hurt prominent in her tone.

“Because I know you and I know that something is going on with you. At this point it’s easier to believe that then to believe your bullshit excuses anymore.”

“I refuse to talk to you if you are going to be like this.” She states curtly.

“It’s either that or you just don’t care anymore so if you want to leave then leave because I can’t keep hurting like this.” I say as I feel the tears escape my eye. “I’m going home. Abby is DDing tonight, I’m sure she can give you a ride home.”

I don’t let her saying anything else because honestly I don’t know if I can handle her answer.

A couple hours later I feel the left side of the bed sink in but I don’t bother to turn around. I’m too tired to deal with tonight’s argument or the feelings I’ve kept bottled up for the past month.

“I love you.” I hear her whisper but I don’t respond.  
*

I get pulled out of my thoughts feeling her hands giving me a light squeeze.

“I am sorry for being so unavailable these last couple of weeks. No more excuses, I promise. I’m sorry Ash.”

“It’s okay Kell I understand.” I don’t but I want to comfort her.

“We both know you’re just saying that to make me feel better.” She grabs one of my hands kissing it.

“I’m not trying to add more stress.” I say speaking the truth.

“You don’t cause me stress Ash. I think you’re the only person who knows how to completely calm me down.” She says as she plays with my fingers.

“So you still love me?” I ask but I know her answer.

She looked up kissing my jaw line, “I will always love you.”

“I was scared Kelley. I was scared that you were going to leave me or your feelings had changed.”

“I will never leave you babe I promise. I’m sorry I made you feel this way but you should never doubt how much I love you. You know that.” She says reassuring me as I hear the love in her voice.

I lean down kissing her softly letting all of my troubles leave me as I breathe her love in.

“I miss us Kell.”

“We’re still us Ashlyn. I frustrate you but you still love me you see nothing is different.”

“That’s true you have always been a pain in the ass.” I joke lightening the mood more.

“The cutest pain in the ass.” She corrects me causing me to chuckle.

We sit in comfortable silence as the sun begins to rise above us casting shades of orange and yellow into the horizon. In this moment I have never felt so blessed then to be here and to have my arms wrapped around this frustratingly, perfect girl.

“Why don’t we go inside and makes some breakfast?” Kelley asks finally breaking the silence.

“So what you really mean is you’re hungry and you want me to cook you something.” I say teasing her.

“Well if you insist.” She says with a smirk on her face.

I lift myself up pulling her up with me but when I go to walk she doesn’t budge. When I look back I see her pouting and I know exactly what she wants.

“No Kelley!” I laugh, “I’m not carrying you to the house.”

“Please I’m so weak.” She says continuing to pout. “Just carry me.”

I shake my head but turn around so she can jump on my back and I start walking back to our house.

“You know Kell one day you’re going to have to take care of me. When we’re old and grey you will be the one that has to do everything for me.” I say jokingly.

“I promise I’ll always take care of you.” She whispers into my ear.

*

It took five minutes in the kitchen before Kelley’s lips crash into mine as I push her against the counter, her hands behind her holding herself up on the counter. My lips move down to her throat, nipping at the sensitive spots on her neck a soft moan escaping her mouth.

Her hands find the hem of my shirt immediately trying to pull my shirt over my head.

“Babe what about breakfast?” I say stopping her hands and pulling away.

“It can wait.” Kelley says determined still trying to lift my shirt.

When it comes to the physicality of our relationship I have always been the controlling one. I always took charge in this aspect but there were rare occasions where Kelley wanted to be in charge. And when Kelley is in charge she gets what she wants but that doesn’t mean I can’t tease her for a little first.

I grab her hands that are now snaked through my hair and hold them there as I press my hips into hers creating the perfect friction. I slowly start to move against her while my lips gently brush hers. I slowly drag my lips up her jaw and finally to her ear. She lets out a moan as I smile against her ear.

“Breakfast first.” I say breaking us apart and going back to the stove. I feel triumphant as she stands there trying to regain herself.

I’m pouring pancake batter into the frying pain when I feel her behind me then her hand is sliding across my bare stomach and into my shorts. I inhale quickly at the contact as she runs her hand up against me. I absentmindedly start to lean into her as she kisses my back before pulling away.

“I guess I’ll do it myself,” she says in the most seductive voice as she heads to the bedroom.

Kelley gets what she wants I think to myself as I follow her into our bedroom.

*

Kelley’s leg is wrapped around one of my own as she cuddles into my side. Her finger is drawing delicate patterns on my stomach giving me a different kind of goose bumps then before.

I let out a sigh of contentment as I regain my breathing and my muscles slowly relax from Kelley’s previous touches.

Exhaustion ends up taking me over feeling myself slowly drifting off under her touch. This was one of the things I missed over the past month, the physical closeness to Kelley. It wasn’t just the sex that I missed but just lying next to her entangled in each other’s embrace.

I never felt as free as I did when I was with Kelley she made everything seem so easy. She had this presence about her that calmed every fiber in my body creating the absolute serenity.

“I love you.” She whispers about to be taken over by sleep.  
I felt her finger stop tracing patterns as she wrapped her arm around my waist kissing my neck. I let out a sound of pure bliss at her touch. I loved this girl more than anything.

“I love you Kelley O’Hara.”

“Always?” I hear her ask for the first time in weeks causing my heart to swell and tears to sting my eyes.

“Never.” I reply holding her close as I drift off in her arms.

*

It’s been a week since Tobin and Alex’s engagement party but Kelley and I fell right back into our old routine. She was more loving than before and I had never been happier with our relationship.

“Ashlyn what’s up man?” Tobin says as she wraps me in a hug.

“Not much just excited to be helping you out today for wedding dress shopping with my bestie.” I say in a fake valley girl voice that gets an eruption of laughter from Tobin.

“Well I figured you would hate this as much as I did so you were the perfect candidate.” Tobin says nudging me.

“Also it could be because I’m your best friend and your maid of honor.” I smile at her.

“I don’t know how Kelley and Alex enjoyed this the other day.” She shakes her head laughing to herself.

“I know but that’s why they’re best friends.” I offer.

“Where is Kelley at today?” Tobin asks as we walk to the first shop.

“She said she had errands to run today, we’re supposed to meet later for dinner if you and Lex wanna join us.”

“Yeah sounds good man.”

We enter the first store both of us overwhelmed with how many dresses the women bring up. We spend the next couple of hours choosing Tobin dresses and having her try them on. Finally Tobin found a dress that was perfect for her. It was simple with small intricate patterns that were barely noticeable. The white stood out against her tan skin and she looked absolutely beautiful.

“Alex is going to die Tobs. You look amazing dude.”

“You think so?” she asks staring into the mirror.

“Yeah who knew you had all of that underneath your Nike clothes.”

“Alex.” Is her answer referring to things I don’t like to think about.

“Gross dude.” I shake my head laughing. “But really you look awesome in that dress. Alex will absolutely love it.”

“Oh stop Ash” She says smiling for a second before continuing, “Okay keep going.”

I laugh before I continue, “I’m serious we definitely found the dress.” Tobin looks happier than I have ever seen her.

Her happiness is contagious and my mind wanders to Kelley thinking about how beautiful she is going to look in a wedding dress one day.

 *

We had worked up an appetite dress shopping so we decided to go grab lunch at a little café downtown.

“I’m really happy for you Tobs. I’m sorry about the blow up last week I didn’t mean to cause a scene.” I apologize

“Yes you did.” Tobin jokes back.

“Shut up. I really I am happy for you guys I know I was a little bitter because Kelley and I haven’t taken that next step but I’m happy for you.”

“I know you are dude.” She slings an arm around my shoulder giving it a squeeze, “You just have to ask Kelley though Ash. We both know that despite her saying she wants to wait that if you really asked that she would say yes.”

“I know but I just want it to be perfect and I haven’t found that right moment.”

“Ash you have had that ring hidden away for a year now. You and Kelley aren’t meant for a perfect romantic moment. You guys are the reckless, spontaneous couple and your proposal will naturally end like that.”

“Yeah you’re right but I’m still going to wait.”

My phone buzzes as I look down to see that Syd texted me to tell me that Kristie tried to kiss her last night.

“Dude Syd is totally freaking out right now! Kristie finally made a move.” I say but when I look over Tobin is stopped looking across the street. “Dude what are you looking at?” I say confused.

“Uh isn’t that Kell, Ashlyn? She says pointing across the street.

Kelley is sitting at a small table outside of a restaurant talking to a woman who I don’t recognize.  
We stand there and watch them talk in what looks like a very serious conversation. The woman I don’t know all of a sudden looks down and Kelley reaches over and grabs her hand while using her other hand to stroke the girl’s cheek.

My body tenses as I feel the adrenaline start to course through me sending my body into overload.

“Who is that?” I say feeling my blood boil.

“I don’t know Ash but I’m sure its noth-” Tobin’s voice says otherwise and I don’t stay to listen.

The next thing I know I’m running, running away from Tobin, from the intimate scene playing in front of me, running away from everything I thought I knew. I could hear Tobin yelling after me but I didn’t stop or slow down until I reached the car. I threw up my stomach nauseous from the realization coming over me.

I can’t remember the drive home as my mind replayed through everything. Kelley is cheating on me after four years of being together. Things had gotten better the last couple of months at least I thought they got better.

I waited almost two hours before I hear her car pull into the driveway and the door open.

“Babe I’m home.” Kelley says as she walks towards me.

I don’t look up from the picture that I’m holding in my hand. It was from a few years ago when Kelley and I had gone to a wildlife reserve. Kelley was holding a small, baby squirrel in her hand her freckles scrunched up on her face, her smile spread across her entire face. She loved squirrels and I never really knew why but she was so excited when she finally got a chance to hold one. She was adorable that day talking animatedly to the little squirrel in her hands and how sad she got when she had to give him back to the employee. She pouted the entire time until I bought her a stuffed animal squirrel at the souvenir shop. It became a permanent fixture in our bed after that.

“How long?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” she sounds confused. I can feel the anger rise in my throat.

“How long have you been cheating on me?” I hear the danger in my voice. Kelley looks at me perplexed like she can’t believe I’m asking her this.

“I’m not cheating on you babe.” She says stepping towards me but I match her stepping back.

“Don’t fucking lie to me.” I yell at her letting the situation sink in.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Kelley yells back.

Before I know it I’m slamming the picture on the ground and storming towards her. I never had a good temper but this was the worst I had ever been. The rage boiled inside of me and there was no stopping now. I was right in Kelley’s face screaming at her.

“I fucking saw you today with that girl outside of that restaurant. I saw the way you were touching her I’m not stupid so stop treating me like I am.”

There was something in Kelley’s expression that stopped me from continuing. She looked exhausted like she has the past couple of months but there was something else in her eyes that I couldn’t quite pin.

“I’m not cheating on you Ash.” Her voice sounding weary.

“Kelley I saw-” I start but she puts her hand up to stop me.

“I’m not cheating on-” Kelley doesn’t finish as her eyes start to roll to the back of her head and she falls to the floor.

“Kelley.” I scream running towards her. “Babe wake up. Wake up Kell come on.” I scramble for my phone and dial 911.

*

The ambulance came taking Kelley the whole ride was like slow motion as the EMT’s started doing tests. Once we got to the hospital I tried going with her but they wouldn’t let me. I’ve been sitting in the hospital waiting room for over an hour

“Ash,” I hear as Alex and Tobin are rushing into the waiting room. I stand up just in time for them to wrap me in a hug as tears spill from my eyes.

“I don’t know what’s happening.” I say letting my emotions finally out.

“Breathe Ash. What happened?” Alex says rubbing my back.

“We got in a fight when she got home. Then she just passed out at the house and wouldn’t wake up. I haven’t gotten to see her and no one will tell me anything.” I try to control my breathing as I lean my head into Tobin’s shoulder.

“It’s okay Ash. Shh it’s going to be okay.”

*

Kelley’s doctor comes out after another hour of waiting and I bolt up from my chair towards her when she comes into the room.

“Dr. Rampone where’s Kelley? Is she okay? Can I see her?” I ask her frantically.

“Miss Harris-”

“Ashlyn.” I reply back wanting to skip the introductions and move on to the more important topic.

“Okay Ashlyn, Kelley is awake and can see visitors soon. I do have a few things that we need to discuss first.”

“Kelley is awake?” I feel the rush of relief. “I just want to see her first.”

“Miss Harris.” Her formality unease’s me, “We need to talk about Kelley”

“What is it?” I ask tentatively.

“I think we should discuss things in private so if you would follow me to my office.” She says about to turn around.

“Whatever you have to say, they’re coming. They’re family.” I feel my heart beat pick up.

“Alright Miss Harris,” She says finally giving in to my resistance, “Follow me.”

We all follow her into an office that just feels unwelcoming and I instantly feel claustrophobic.

“Alright what is it? Do I need to do paperwork or something because I’ll be glad to do it after I see Kelley.”

“Miss Harris that isn’t-”

“Ashlyn. My name is Ashlyn.” I say irritated.

“Ashlyn.” She hesitates a heartbeat before continuing. “Miss O’Hara-”

“Kelley.” I say aggravated at the formality.

She nods her head sighing, “Kelley has stage four ovarian cancer.” She states but I laugh at how absurd that sounds.  
“I’m sorry Doctor but she doesn’t.” I respond.

“Kelley has been diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. It’s a cancer that can be hard to detect. It's a cancer that can be hard to detect and is disproportionately deadly. Most cases are not diagnosed until they have reached advanced stages. In Kelley's case, it has already spread beyond the ovaries and into her abdomen and liver.”

I heard Alex gasp behind me but my mind was frozen, there was no way she was right. Kelley doesn’t have cancer she’s perfectly healthy.

“No that isn’t right Kelley is only 25 years old, you have to be wrong, there must be a mistake.”

“Kelley is an unusual case she hasn’t had many symptoms until recently.”

"There has got to be something we can do. She will be okay, right?" I shakily ask.

"There's a variety of factors that ultimately influence a patient’s decision to receive treatment. In Kelley's case, the purpose of receiving cancer treatment would be to improve her symptoms by controlling the cancer from spreading any further than it already has and to help prolong her life."

“What are you trying to tell me?” I say feeling the panic rise.

“Kelley doesn’t have that long to live. It’s hard to say how much time, but the cancer has spread and at this point there isn’t much we can do. We can provide her with medication for the pain but Kelley is terminally ill.”

I stand there frozen as my mind tries to make sense of what the doctor is telling me. I can hear Alex behind me crying as Tobin tries to calm her down.

"Kelley and I have already discussed the potential benefits and potential risks of receiving cancer treatment. She has asked for you so,” She looks at me with sad eyes, “I’m going to let you talk with her and then if you have questions we can discuss more. I’m sorry Ashlyn.” She says as she squeezes my arm and walks away.

Tobin and Alex are by my side as soon as the doctor leaves. I look to Alex, tears are falling from her eyes and when I look to Tobin her eyes are blood shot and watery.

“Come on Ash let’s go see Kelley.” Tobin says pulling me because I’m unable to move myself.

*

When I enter Kelley’s room, everything the doctor says finally hits me. There are machines around Kelley with wires hooked to her arms and in her nose. She turns towards us as she hears us come in. She tries to smile at us but it’s strained.

“There are my three favorite people I’ve been waiting for you guys.” She says as Tobin and Alex are immediately on the other side of her bed holding her arm or hand.

I stay frozen in the door not being able to move towards her. She looks like a lesser version of the Kelley I knew from this morning, small and fragile.

“How long have you known?” Everyone turns to me and I’m surprised at my own voice.

Kelley frowns a little looking down real quick before meeting my eyes. “About a month now.” She whispers.

I don’t choke back the sobs as they escape from my mouth. “And you didn’t think to tell me Kelley?”

“I was scared Ash. It was too late by the time I found out the cancer has already spread and I just wanted to be as normal as possible with you.” Tears are threatening her eyes now.

“There has to be a way to fix this. There has to be treatments you can do, you’re only 25 years old. We can fix this there as to be a way.” I say not being able to accept the reality happening before me.

“There isn’t anything we can do Ashlyn it’s too late.” She says it more calmly then she should.

“There has to be. I told you I would protect you I have to protect you.” I say sobbing harder.

“You can’t protect me from this.” She says in a small voice.

“No I will not let you die.” I say loud enough that the people outside can probably here.

“Oh babe, please come here.” Kelley says patting the empty space next to her.

I walked over to the bed, lying down letting her hold me. I sobbed into her shirt as she rubbed my back trying to calm me down. All four of us crying in this small hospital bed trying to make sense of the information we’ve been told. All four of us comforting each other as our world comes slowly crumbling down.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you cope with finding out that the person you cant live without is going to leave you?

It’s been a couple of days since I found out about Kelley’s diagnosis. I still don’t feel like it’s entirely real like my body created its own defense protecting me so I don’t completely fall apart. Kelley seems completely normal she has the same enthusiasm and energy as always.

We’re sitting on the couch in the living room and she’s sitting there eating a bowl of lucky charms with water watching cartoons. I always thought it was weird that she liked to put water on her cereal but Kelley has always been one of the most unique people I have met. She looks like such a child, she has so much light in her eyes like there is nothing wrong in the world. I feel my chest tighten staring at this girl in front of me. 

“Stop staring at me Harris.” She says continuing to concentrate on the TV.

“I can’t help it.” I say continuing to look at her.

“Because I’m so cute.” She declares.

“No it’s because you’re chewing so loudly that I can’t concentrate on the TV.” I joke.

I stare at Kelley with a smirk on my face as she is in mid chew of a huge mouthful of lucky charms. She abruptly stops chewing her food glancing towards me like she’s been caught doing something wrong. I look away shaking my head laughing but in the corner of my eye I see her shift the food in her mouth biting down slowly trying but failing miserably at being quiet.

I am surprised to hear my laughter fill the room. It would be Kelley to make me forget everything for a moment and just enjoy being with her. My mood slowly shifts back to my inward turmoil as I think about not being with Kelley or sharing these moments with her anymore.

Kelley senses my sadness before I even have time to let the feeling settle back in. She sits on my lap wrapping one arm around my shoulder while wiping my tears with the other.

“How do you do that?” I ask.

“Do what?”

“How do you know what I’m feeling before I even do?” I say my voice thick with emotion.

“Our love.”

I don’t say anything knowing that if I’m quiet she will continue.

“We love so openly that we give each other the ability to know every aspect of one another. Our love is so powerful because there are no barriers, our love isn’t contained. That’s how I know because our love goes beyond anything we can control or reason.” She smiles at me like it’s the simplest thing.

Fresh tears spill from my eyes not because of the sadness that’s buried deep inside of me but from the pure happiness that radiates from my heart.

“I love you.” I kiss her firmly.

“I love you Ash.” She says kissing away my tears.

We sit like that the rest of the morning with Kelley in my lap as her head rests on my shoulder, my arms wrapped around her securely.

We hear our door open and shut as footsteps pad down the hallway towards where we’re sitting. Tobin and Alex walk in with suitcases leaving them at the door as they sit on the couch with us.

“We’re moving in.” Tobin says her eyes not leaving the TV. 

Alex grabs the remote from Kelley and starts flicking through the channels.

“Let’s grill for dinner.” Alex says nonchalantly.

Kelley is quiet for a few moments looking like she’s deep in thought but something shifts in her face. I can see the glisten from the tears filling in her eyes. I squeeze her lightly but she shakes her head giving me a small smile.

“Steaks maybe?” she finally says. 

“We can roast some potatoes and corn. Eat outside tonight.” I suggest not being able to contain my smile.

“I’m thinking s’mores for dessert. I think its great weather for a fire tonight.” Tobin says.

That’s how simple our friendship was, how well we all knew each other to the point where we didn’t need to communicate with words. We all know why Alex and Tobin are moving in but we don’t dwell on the underlining reason. We take each moment transforming them into something good, something that’s beyond the tragedy that’s falling before us. We are all linked by such a strong bond to the point where we’re like one person with four minds. I feel my chest tighten as my love for these three people burns stronger than ever.

“My three favorite people.” Kelley says as we all sit together as a family living life the only way we know how, living it together.

*

“We’re getting married.” I say loudly as I walk into the kitchen.

Kelley and Alex look up at me confused like they didn’t register what I had said. Tobin looks at me proudly silently telling me it was about time. 

I was at the store getting groceries when it dawned on me. I had been so scared to ask her to marry me for so long but now isn’t the time to be afraid anymore. I have to do everything that I want to do with her before our time runs up. Marry her has been the one thing I have wanted to do for the past year and I won’t let this slip away from me.

“What was that?” Kelley says.

“I said we’re getting married so get up and go to the dress shop with Alex.” I state. 

“Do I have a say in this?” Kelley says a smile on her face.

“I love you and I want to marry you.” I say it with finality.

“When?” Alex asks as Kelley just sits there smiling at me.

“We can have a double wedding.” Tobin suggests, “We moved up the wedding so we can just do it on the same day.”

“I want you guys to have your own day that’s just about the two of you.” Kelley says but I can tell there is more behind it than that but I don’t say anything knowing that she’s right.

“No we’re getting married in two weeks.” I say trying to stay focused through my nerves.

“Where would it be?” Kelley asks.

“At the beach where we first met.” I smile.

“What about our families?” Kelley continues to ask.

“They already have tickets booked to come out in a couple of days.” I can’t hide my excitement as I see Kelley’s shocked face.

“Two weeks?” Tobin says to me making sure she’s hearing me right.

“Two weeks.” I would’ve made it a week but I know Kelley would need more time.

“We’re getting married.” Kelley’s smile matches mine. It’s a smile that reaches her eyes and has me reeling with joy.

“Yes we are so ready to start planning?’ I ask as I look at the most important people in my life.

“I’m in.” They all say matching my excitement.

*

The next couple hours we start calling all of our friends and working out the details of the wedding. There was a buzz of anticipation in the air that couldn’t be weakened by anything. I knew Kelley always wanted an unforgettable wedding and I’d be damned if she didn’t get just that.

Besides the fact that Kelley and Alex we’re always obsessed with the thought of their weddings, I wanted to get married for my own reasons. I wanted to finally connect Kelley and me in every way possible. I want her, all of her, in every aspect that I can have and taking her last name is something I’ve always wanted. 

We all sit at the table going over the list we made of everything that we needed. All of a sudden our front door bursts open, Sydney, Heather, and, Kristie walk in chanting and dancing. Sydney’s holding two wine bottles in her arms as she leads the pack.

“My friends are getting married.” She sings very off key.

“Don’t you know how to knock?’ Tobin says smiling at Sydney.

Sydney abruptly stops sticks out her hip glaring at Tobin jokingly. “Uh yeah I just prefer not to.” 

“You’re something else Syd.” Alex teases.

“Anyways we got the news and thought that it would be the perfect time to celebrate.” Syd states happily.

“It is. We are planning everything right now so you guys can help.” Kelley replies.

“Perfect what do you want us to do?” Kristie asks.

“We need to find someone to cater so if you want to call some places. We want like simple food like fish, maybe chicken, fruit or something like that.” Kelley explains.

“Okay on it.” Kristie says.

Sydney of course only came to drink wine and talk to everyone but no one seemed to mind we loved having her positive energy around.

“So guys what are you doing about like a minister for the wedding?” Syd asks in between gulps of wine.

“Shit I didn’t think of that.” I say realizing the dilemma.

“Well actually guys for fun one day I decided to become an ordained minister online. I can actually officiate your wedding.” HAO says nonchalantly.

“You’re joking.” Alex says.

“No I’m serious I did it online it and got like a certificate or something so it will be legal.” She exclaims excitedly.

Kelley doubles over in laughter, her voice reverberating through the room, her face bright red and tears in her eyes. The sight of her has all of us laughing at that point.

“What made you want to do that?” Kelley asks through pauses in laughter.

“Just to say that I could I guess but I never actually thought it would come in handy but hey now it can.” HAO says enthusiastically.

“Dude I would love it if you married us.” Kelley says after her breathing slows down.

“I guess there is only one other thing that needs to be done then.” I say trying to get up the nerves to do it.

“What’s that babe?” Kelley says looking down at the nearly finished check list.

I let out a shaky breath as I kneel down on the floor in front of her. Everyone becomes silent taking in the moment that they’re about to witness.

“Kelley these past four years have been nothing short of agonizingly perfect with you. Over these last four years I have learned every single one of your flaws including the flawed quirks. I’ve learned that you are an awful cook, you’re too competitive, you’re stubborn, you’re frustrating, and the biggest pain in my ass. But I also learned that you are the most loyal friend anyone could have, the most caring person I have ever met, your smile can ease any pain I may have, and that you have the biggest heart and the most love to give.”

I pull out the ring that has been collecting dust in our closet for a little over a year now. I open the small tiny box to reveal a 14K white gold contemporary halo engagement ring from Gabriel and Co. that I got during one of our adventures to Vermont. It was a cushion cut diamond with a beautiful pattern along the band. It was simple but stunning and I knew when I saw it that it would fit Kelley perfectly.

When I look up again from the ring to Kelley she’s covering her mouth but I can tell by her features that her mouth is wide open. Her eyes are glossy but I can see the light in them that gives me the courage to continue.

“Kelley Maureen O’Hara I have loved you easily for four years and I want to spend-” Breathe I repeat inside my head trying to hold back the tears. “I want to spend the rest of my life continually loving you, all of you. Will you marry me?” I say through choked words.

“Yes.” Kelley says through tears as she pulls me up hugging me in a tight embrace. “I love you.” 

“I love you Kell.” I whisper into her ear as our friends continue to applaud for us.

“Always?” she whispers back.

I pull her away wiping the tears from her eyes; I can feel the smile on my face as I stare at the girl I’m going to marry. 

“Never.”

*

I stare out the window watching Sydney and Kelley drink wine on the back porch talking animatedly to each other. This whole day has been the perfect distraction and I can’t help but want it to last forever.

“Congratulations again Ash.” I hear Kristie as she walks up to me to stare out the window helping me with the dishes.

“Thanks Kristie it means a lot that you guys are here.” I smile at her.

“We wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.” She says as she watches the Kell and Syd sip their wine and laugh together. “Plus Syd loves any excuse to drink wine. What is that Syd’s third bottle already?” She teases.

“Well you know how they are. They always need to be drinking wine when talking.”

“They drink like fishes.”

“What do you think they’re talking about?” I ask noticing how serious Sydney’s expression is and how concentrated Kelley is on what she is saying.

“Oh it’s probably about how I kissed her.” Kristie says shaking her head.

I had forgotten that Syd had texted me a couple days ago telling me that Kristie had finally made a move.

“How did that go?” I ask curiously.

“Well it didn’t.” She laughs but there is no humor laced in it. “She kissed me back but then I think she got scared. She blamed it on the alcohol then went to bed and now acts like it never happened.”

“Maybe she’s just confused.” I say trying to encourage her.

“I think she’s just scared but I can’t really do anything about it so I’m just going to let it be.” She says a little calmer this time.

“Yeah just give it time maybe she just doesn’t want to ruin your friendship.”

Kristie pauses for a moment before speaking again. “I wish I had what you and Kelley have.” She says distantly staring out the window. “You know a love that never seems to waver, that’s inspiring.” 

“Inspiring?”

“Yeah anyone who looked at you two would know how in love you are. Your love is commanding it’s an incredibly moving Ash.” She says nudging me smiling.

“Yeah I’m lucky to have her.” I say feeling the aching in my chest.

Kristie notices my mood shift and rubs my back consoling me. 

“I’m sorry Ashlyn you are the last two people who ever deserved this. We’re all here for you for absolutely anything.” Her voice is calming but it doesn’t help ease the ache any less.

When I look from her to the window I notice a similar sight playing out like ours. Except Kelley is comforting Syd as she cries into Kelley’s shoulder. Her body visibly shaking, it’s unbearable to watch considering I never see Sydney cry. 

Kristie is right none of us deserve this. 

*

The time on the clock reads 5:32 am and Kelley is nowhere to be found in our bedroom or the rest of the house. I check the beach but she isn’t in her usual spot. I begin to panic as I check the garage and see that her car is gone so I go sit down on the couch to wait for her to come back from where ever she is.

*  
I feel myself waking up as a pair of soft lips press against mine.

“Come on babe lets go to bed.” Kelley whisper as she strokes my hair out of my face.

I must have fallen asleep on the couch when I was waiting for Kelley to come back.

“Where we’re you?” I asked groggily. “I got nervous.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t think you were going to wake up. I was just running some errands.”

“This early?” I ask questioningly. 

“Yes this early. Now come to bed it’s only about 7:00am and we have a few more hours to sleep.” She says before pulling me to my feet.

I get into bed as Kelley crawls in lying beside me wrapping her leg around my own. Her arm wraps around my waist pulling me close. I kiss the top of her head feeling her chest rise and fall as she lets out a sigh of contentment and slowly drifts off to sleep.

*

“Get up we have wedding attire to shop for!” I hear Tobin yelling as she climbs into my side of the bed.

“Wake up guys I brought coffee.” Alex says knowing that we can’t function without at least a cup in the morning.

Alex places the cups of coffee down as she slides in on Kelley’s side pressing us closer together. I hear Kelley let out a groan but when I look over she’s smiling with her eyes still closed.

“Can’t we wait a couple more hours.” I say stretching.

“No! Get up dude.” Tobin says as she tickles my sides causing me to wriggle around trying to escape her touch.

“Dude-” I continue to laugh, “Okay okay I’m getting up.”

Tobin stops giving me an innocent closed mouth grin. “That’s all you had to say.”

“You’re a brat Tobs.” I hear Kelley say, “Leave my poor fiancé alone.”

I don’t bother to hide the huge grin that creeps up on my face when I hear her refer to me as her fiancé.

“Me, a brat? Never. I’m just looking out for her, you knowing being maid of honor and such.” She teases.

“What makes you think you’re my maid of honor?” I say pretending to be serious.

“Because Sydney and Tobin arm wrestled for it last night and somehow Tobin won.” Alex states lightly.

“You beat Sydney in an arm wrestling competition? No way.” Kelley says surprised.

“It’s only because Syd was on her like 60th glass of wine and could barely form a sentence.” Alex teases smiling at her girlfriend who is now pouting.

“Whatever, I still won.” Tobin says grumpily.

“It’s okay I’m sure Syd will understand she will probably be too incoherent to be able to handle the duties that come along with being maid of honor.” I say nudging Tobin with my arm getting a smile out of her.

“Exactly now let’s get this show on the roll. Ash you’re coming with me and we will meet Lex and Kell for lunch. Sound good everyone?”

We all agree as we disperse from our bed. 

*

“So you guys are having a casual beach wedding so what exactly do you want to wear?” Tobin asks as we enter the first bridal shop.

“I’m not wearing a dress. I want everyone’s eyes to be on Kelley that night.” 

“But Ash you look so pretty in the brides’ maid dress that Alex is making you wear for ours. You sure you don’t want to wear one?” Tobin teases knowing my discomfort at having to wear a dress at their wedding. 

“She’s lucky I love her enough to do that for her.” I say feigning annoyance.

“Plus you don’t want the wrath of an angry Alex Morgan. It isn’t pretty trust me.” Tobin says her eyebrows rose lifting her hands up by her chest like she’s permanently surrendering. 

“Oh I’ve seen her when she loses I think I have a slight idea.” I laugh.

“So no to a dress so what would you like to do clothing wise?” She directs us back on the topic.

“I’m thinking that I want Kelley to remember exactly why she fell in love with me.” I say a brilliant idea coming to my mind.

“Okay so you want her to realize this through clothes?” Tobin asks confused.

“Yeah I’m going to wear the same outfit I wore the day we met Kelley and Lex.” I say proudly.

Tobin bends over in a fit of laughter but I’m not surprised by her reaction. 

“Dude you are not wearing that. I haven’t seen you wear that outfit since Kell teased you the entire night about it.”

I remember the night that we first met Kelley and Alex and how that one night changed the rest of my life.

*

“What do you mean my outfit isn’t appropriate?” Tobin says incredulously. 

“You’re wearing a Nike tank top with our old UNC soccer shorts. We’re going to a beach party you have to dress for the occasion Tobs. How do you expect to pick up girls?” I reason with her.

“Definitely not by wearing an outfit like yours.” Tobin states back.

I was wearing these awesome key lime skinny pants, a sick Hawaiian button up that I got from target for the occasion, white suspenders, and an awesome key lime bowtie. I had a side braid with my hair up in a ponytail. I think my whole look screamed beach party.

“This outfit is going to get us numbers tonight.”

“You’re such a cocky ass sometimes Ash.” Tobin says laughing she puts her hair up into a messy bun.

“I’m not cocky I just happen to know that I look ridiculously good looking.” I joke as I put my Sperry’s on.

“You’re absolutely impossible Ashlyn.” Tobin says shaking her head at me.

The door to our apartment bursts open with Sydney and Kristie strolling in holding all there beach gear. Kristie was wearing a tank top with jean shorts but Syd was wearing a bikini with a hula skirt.

“See Sydney knows what it’s about.” I say noticing her beach attire.

“Damn Ash you’re looking good.” Sydney compliments me.

“Please don’t encourage her.” Tobin says groaning. 

“Not everyone can pull off a Hawaiian button up with suspenders and a bowtie so I have to give props to where it’s needed.” Sydney says simply.

“Thank you Syd. Tobin here has been giving me a hard time about outfit choices.” 

“Tell me about it. You should’ve seen Kristie’s outfit before I made her change. Not good.” Sydney tries to whisper but fails miserably at it.

“I can hear you Syd.” Kristie glares at Sydney.

“I love you despite your fashion sense Kristie.” Sydney replies sweetly.

“Come on guys let’s get to this party.” Tobin says leading us out the door.

*

The beach is filled with people barbequing, swimming, playing drinking games or sports on the beach.

Tobin and I have been dominating the pong table the entire afternoon into the evening. Tobin doesn’t drink much but she is amazing with aiming and we have always been really good at beer pong. 

“Alright someone beat these assholes so I can get them off the table.” Sydney says annoyed because we’ve been playing for so long.

“We’re up.” I hear someone say from across the table.

When I look up I see two girls standing infront of me. One of them is tall, tan, with long straight brown hair with pink pre wrap in her hair. Next to her was a shorter girl covered with freckles with the prettiest hazel eyes I have ever seen. Her bone structure and jawline were the strongest features on her face, and we’re flawless. She was wearing a bikini and shorts that showed off her slender torso that was covered in more freckles. She was one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen since I have moved here.

“Are you guys ready to play?” I hear her voice again snapping me out of my trance. I feel my cheeks flush at the realization that I was just standing there staring at her.

“Um yeah we’re ready. Tobs you can go first.” I stammer but I don’t see my partner move. 

When I look over I see that Tobin is staring at the taller girl with her mouth slightly opened. I slap her on the arm snapping her out of her own embarrassing stare.

“Uh what?” Tobin says looking at me.

“We’re starting. You can go first Tobin.” I say laughing as her cheeks get as equally red as mine just were.

Our pong game was the most intense game I have ever played. Tobin and I were trying harder than usual to beat these two girls mostly because we both thought they we’re hot and didn’t want to lose to them. Also because we’re competitive and hate losing but we soon realized that these two girls were as well.

“Island cup.” The girl with the freckle says as she throws the pong ball right into the cup.

“Lean.” I say removing the ball from the cup but not moving it off the table.

“You’re forgetting to move the cup.” The girl points to the cup that remains on the table. 

“No I’m not. You leaned over the table so the shot was no good.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” The taller girl says clearly annoyed by my call.

“Sorry but I’m not. You’re up take your shot.” I say trying to hide my smile at how angry they both are by my call.

“That’s bullshit.” The shorter girl says glaring at me as the taller girl misses her shot.

Tobin and I both make our shots getting rebuttal and getting equal glares from our opponents. We continue to dominate the game but the taller girl makes a shot she called getting her ball back and making another cup. The shorter girl bounces her ball in because Tobin was too busy staring at the other girl to play. 

“Tobin will you pay attention.” I say raising my voice at her getting an apologetic nod in return.

We we’re both down to one cup each and it was our shot. Tobin bounces hers but the taller girl whose name we found out was Alex easily swatted it away. She playfully smiled at Tobin who smiled back with her goofy grin shrugging her shoulders at Alex. I throw mine and it goes right into the cup.

“Yes Dude!” Tobin says excitedly high fiving me.

Alex throws hers but it hits the rim and bounces away she lets out a frustrated huff putting her hands on her hips looking pissed.

“Good game guys but better luck next time.” I say smiling victoriously knowing we were probably going to win.

The shorter girl glares at me throwing her ball without breaking eye contact. I knew it went in when Alex jumped up and down hugging her friend. 

“That’s right Kelley!” I hear Alex say. So Kelley is the girl’s name? I like it.

Tobin’s standing there laughing hysterically as I stare at her with a death glare.

“I’m sorry dude but she didn’t even look at the cup!” Tobin says trying to catch her breath.

“Whatever. It’s over time now.” I say angry.

Tobin throws her ball but it misses hitting the rim. I go to throw mine and see hands waving over the cups.

“You’re not distracting.” I say glaring up at Kelley.

“The only thing distracting at this table is your outfit.” I hear the playfulness in her voice.

Tobin and Alex both burst out laughing at Kelley’s joke. I turn my eyes to Tobin giving her an icy look before I throw my ball and miss.

Alex and Kelley both make their shots getting the balls back and both sinking there balls into the last cup winning the game.

They yell out in celebration high fiving each other and walk to the side of the table were on. 

“We can’t win ‘em all Ash.” Tobin says smiling at me.

“Good game guys but better luck next time.” Kelley says mocking me from before. She has the biggest smug look on her face eyeing me up and down before winking and turning around. 

“Come on dude lets go find Sydney.” Tobin says smiling at me as she leads me away.

*

Tobin and I are goofing around with a soccer ball when the girls from earlier come over to us.

“What’s up guys?” Tobin says smiling at them as they stop in front of us.

“We realized that we we’re a little competitive before and it was rude of us not to introduce ourselves.” Alex smiles at both of us, “I’m Alex.” She continues, extending her hand out to both of us to shake.

“Tobin.” 

“Ashlyn.”

Alex looks at Kelley for a second before elbowing her in the side. I realize then that Kelley has been staring at me the entire time we were doing introductions. Kelley slightly shakes her head like she’s trying to shake away her daze.

“Sorry.” She smiles shyly. “I’m Kelley.”

“We apologize for earlier as well. We get really competitive sometimes don’t we Ash?” Tobin says smirking at me.

“Yeah we do it’s been a problem for years now. But we realized our ways and have been going to weekly meetings for Competitive Anonymous. We’re making great progress in treatment.” I joke.

“I think you may need to go to another meeting after what I witnessed earlier.” Kelley banters.

“Well they always tell us to bring a friend so maybe you should go.” I counter.

“I don’t have a problem.”

“Denial is the first sign of a problem.” Tobin says to Alex causing her to laugh.

“The first step is acceptance.” I say smiling innocently at Kelley.

“I see. So you guys aren’t only competitive but you’re sore losers as well.” Kelley jokes again.

“You have no idea.” Tobin says shaking her head earning a slap on the arm from me.

“Anyways we thought we would bring you guy’s peace offerings.” Alex says as she holds a drink up to Tobin.

Kelley smiles at me handing over a drink in her hand and I find myself feeling a nervous excitement in my stomach. We all stand there making small talk about us moving to California and them making fun of us for attending UNC for college. Apparently we played both of them in college I can’t help but to think it’s a small world.

We all take turns juggling the ball and passing it around eventually we end up having a trick contest but Tobin smokes us all. 

“You guys want to go sit by the fire?” Alex says shivering under the night’s cool wind.

As we sit around the fire Tobin and Alex easily slide into conversation with each other. I can tell Tobin is digging her by the full out grin she has on her face.

“So what do you do here?” Kelley asks me pulling my attention away from my best friend.

“Right now I’m a customer service representative for a small business. It’s not the best job but I’m trying to save money to open my own business one day.”

“Oh that’s pretty cool. What kind of business do you want to open?” She asks seeming like she’s actually curious.

“I want to open up like a small café.” I shrug. “Maybe serving all organic food or something.”

“I’m surprised you don’t want to be a fashion consultant.” Kelley says smiling at me as she stares at my outfit.

“Stop hating on my outfit you know I look good. Plus who said I didn’t?” I respond. 

Kelley laughs and I cannot get enough of that sound. The light in her eyes and her smile are engulfing.

“Oh I would totally come to you for advice.” 

“Honestly I just want to be a bikini model. All they do is chill on the beach in like Tahiti while getting their picture taken.”

“Oh definitely I mean you could probably just model in the outfit you have on now instead of a bikini.” Kelley taunts me more.

“Stop hating on my outfit!” 

“Don’t worry I think you pull it off. You look cute.” She says shyly

“Don’t encourage her!” I hear Tobin say as she lets out another groan. 

I laugh at the sudden acknowledgement from Tobin during our conversation. Kelley and Alex are laughing along with me and I realize that I’m actually enjoying myself. 

“Ignore her.” I say as Tobin turns her attention back to Alex. “So have you always lived here?” I ask Kelley wanting to know more about her.

“No I grew up in Georgia and moved out here for college. I loved it here so much that I never moved back.” 

“Yeah I like it here. I grew up in Florida, but lived in North Carolina for college, and then we moved as soon as we could. There’s so much to do here we’re always outdoors surfing, exercising, or traveling around.” I say and see that Kelley is smiling at me.

“Really? You hear that Lex? They like to do all the things we do.” Kelley sends a knowing glance at Alex who returns it.

We sit there for a couple more hours getting to know Alex and Kelley. They both are really outgoing, have awesome sense of humors, and are sarcastic just like Tobin and I. 

We were about to challenge each other to a game of Kan Jam when Kristie comes over to us looking exhausted and annoyed. 

“Guys, Sydney’s had eight shots too many and I think it may be time we head out.” 

We look up to see Sydney dancing crazily on the table screaming at everyone that she’s the next Little Mermaid but hotter.

“Yeah it’s definitely time to go.” Tobin says chuckling at the sight of our friend.

“Yeah we’ll probably head out too.” Alex states anxiously. 

I can tell that Alex is expecting Tobin to make some sort of move by the way she’s staring at her. We’ve had so much fun with them tonight and I know Tobin will never make the first move she is a chicken when it comes to asking girls out so I decided to take matters into my own hand. 

“So I was thinking that maybe we can hang out again sometime. We can all do something fun.” I say turning to Kelley.

“Are you asking me for my number?” Kelley says grinning.

“Yes I am.” I say confidently.

“Okay but on one condition.” She states.

“Alright what’s that?”

“Never wear that outfit again.” She says trying to be funny. Of course she has Tobin in a fit of laughter.

“Oh you’re so funny.” I say as she hands me her phone so I can put my number in it. Alex hands her phone to Tobin who stumbles to put her number in.

“I’m better than the Little Mermaid at least I don’t comb my hair with a fork, you bitch.” We hear Sydney screaming over the music at some poor girl who is just trying to help Kristie get Sydney off the table.

“That’s my cue.” Tobin says before saying a quick goodbye and running over to help with Sydney.

“Well I better get going. I had fun tonight.” I exclaim.

“Yeah it was bearable I guess.” She teases lightheartedly.

I shake my head thinking it’s unbelievable to find someone who is even more sarcastic than me.

“Oh well that’s a relief. Good night Kelley.” I say leaning down to place a quick kiss on her cheek. 

I don’t bother to look at her as I turn around to walk towards my friends trying to hide the evident smile that’s on my face.

I barely even get to the car when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I open it to an unknown number that I’m assuming is Kelley.

Kelley 10:37pm: Meet us at the San Francisco Zoo tomorrow at 11am. :)

*

I smile at the memory of the first time we met and I know after thinking back that wearing the same outfit is the perfect idea for the wedding. When I look over at Tobin I know that she agrees with me.

“It’s in one of my boxes packed away in the attic.” 

“Let’s go break the first rule Kelley ever made with you.” Tobin says smiling widely.

 

*

The time on the clock reads 7:18 when I feel Kelley slowly get into bed.

“Where do you keep going?” I whisper not bothering to turn around and look at her.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” Is the only thing she says before kissing me on the head.

“Where do you go Kelley?” I hear the frustration in my tone.

This is the fourth time in less than a week where I have woken up early in the morning to have Kelley disappear. Every time it’s happened I worry more and more. 

“I just have things to take care of Ash.” I hear her sigh.

I turn around facing her, I can see that her eyebrows are furrowed and her lip is turned slightly downward. 

“Like what?” I pry.

“They’re nothing that you need to worry over.” She murmurs stroking my cheek.

I try to control the anger that had been building up inside but I couldn’t. I pull away from Kelley and stand up to get dressed. 

“Where are you going?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I say bitterly.

“Ashlyn please don’t be like that.” Kelley exhales.

“No Kelley I’m going to be like this. You’re continuing to hide things from me and I can’t take it.” 

“I’m not hiding things from you Ashlyn its just things that I have to do.” She tries to explain but I don’t understand.

“And you don’t think that I should be included in these ‘things’?” I say exasperated.

“I think it’s better if you’re not babe.” She looks at me with sad eyes, “Will you please come lay with me?”

“No I don’t want to lay with you I want you to tell me what you’ve been doing.” I raise my voice.

“Ashlyn I can’t its stuff that I have to do on my own.” Kelley says softly.

“No. No there is nothing you have to do on your own. I can do them with you.” I say full out yelling now. 

“No babe you can’t please just understand.” 

“No I won’t understand. Tell me Kelley.” I feel desperate letting everything I’ve felt these past 6 days pour out.

“Ashlyn-” 

“Fucking tell me Kelley.” I cut her off screaming knowing Tobin and Alex are probably awake now. 

“I can’t.” Kelley says firmly not making eye contact with me.

“I’m your girlfriend god damnit.” I continue yelling letting the tears stream out.

I hear Tobin and Alex as they enter into the doorway but I don’t bother to turn around. I stand there staring at Kelley willing her to let me in. 

“Ashlyn I know you’re my girlfriend but-” I don’t bother to let her deny me this time.

“Then start fucking treating me like it.” I scream feeling the veins in my forehead bulge as the words spill out. “You have kept this a secret for the past month and now you’re keeping more secrets. I need you Kelley so please let me in.” I feel my shoulders shake as I cover my mouth trying to stifle the sobs that won’t stop coming. 

“I’m sorry.” Kelley whispers tears evident in her eyes.

Something in me snaps like the weight of everything that is happening comes crashing down on me. I feel completely broken at this point and the adrenaline pumping inside of me is what helps me turn around and leave. I push past Alex and Tobin who look completely shocked and lost at the encounter between Kelley and I.

I barely get down the hall before I hear Kelley cry out the sound piercing through me leaving a scar inside of me. The sound was heartbreaking but I couldn’t turn around I had to get away from the secrets so I ran, I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore. 

*

There is a little alcove a couple miles down from our house where I always go when I need time to think. Besides actually being in the water this is the most peaceful place to come to in San Francisco. I don’t know why I got so mad at Kelley and I regret blowing up at her but I just couldn’t help but feel so much anger towards her. I hear the footsteps in the sand and I don’t even have to look to know it’s her.

She sits down tentatively next to me letting the silence remain between us. Her hand slides under my shirt as she scratches patterns on my back knowing that it calms me down. Kelley is the only person who knows me through and through and the thought of her not being in my life is terrifying. I feel the tears sting my eyes as they escape down my cheek.

“I’m so scared Kell.” I say opening myself up to her.

“I know I’m scared too.” Her voice is calm but I hear the slight fear in it.

“I don’t know how to live my life without you.” I inhale trying to catch my breath, “I don’t know who I am without you.” 

“You’re the amazingly strong and brave girl that I fell in love with and you’ll come out of this.” 

“But you won’t. You don’t deserve this.” I cry.

“Oh babe no one deserves to have cancer but I have had the most blessed life with you. I know that I have lived my life to the absolute fullest with the people I love the most. I’m lucky enough to be able to say that truthfully.” 

“I need you Kell.” I say grabbing her hand and bringing it to my lips. “I don’t know how to live without you.”

“You will learn, love. I want you to continue to travel, experience new things, meet new people, and live the life you imagined.” She says with so much power in her voice.

“My life is with you.” I murmur. 

“I will always be with you Ashlyn even if I’m not physically with you. We’re connected whether I’m here or not I will be everywhere you go.” She says kissing my cheek. 

“It’s not the same Kell.” Not having Kelley with me will never be okay or get easier. “I just feel so helpless right now I just want to be able to help you.”

“I’m sorry for upsetting you but I want however many months we have together to be nothing but special. I don’t want to deal with the technicalities with you. Please don’t be upset with me.”

I understand now why she was trying to sneak around because Kelley is selfless and she doesn’t want to see me in pain. I know that if I was with her taking care of her arrangements that I would be miserable all the time. I want every single second that I have left with Kelley to count.

“I know babe I’m sorry for yelling at you I’m just terrified.” I breathe in deeply trying to gain composure. “But I want our time together to be nothing short of extraordinary.”

“Then promise me that we will love each other openly, fiercely, and endlessly starting now and that we will let nothing stop us from enjoying our time together.” She says it determined and I can’t help but smile at this courageously amazing girl next to me.

“I promise.” I say kissing her letting the physical contact seal my promise.


	4. Chapter 4

“Tell me again why we’re doing Tobin and Alex’s errands?” I say annoyed as we walk through the aisles of the grocery store.

“Ash you know that Alex’s parents are coming today so they had to go pick them up.” Kelley explains grabbing for a can on the shelf.

“Yeah but I can think of a thousand things that we could do besides this.” I grab her waist pulling her into me.

“Oh yeah? Like what babe?” She says playfully turning to kiss the side of my neck.

“Surfing duh.” I smile at her as she pulls away from me glaring.

“You’ll regret that later.” Kelley says sternly but all I do is laugh.

“We’ll see about that.” I say as I reach in front of her sliding my hand down the zipper of her jean shorts. I hear her moan and that’s all it takes for us to quickly speed through the last errand we had to run today.

The car ride home is agonizingly long as we sit in traffic and I can see Kelley getting irritated by the wait. I reach over running my hand along her thigh my fingers grazing the inside until my hand wraps around the front her of shorts. I feel her body tense under my touch as she looks at me with angry eyes.

“Don’t tease me Ashlyn.” I think she’s incredibly hot when she’s stern.

“Let me just take care of you while we we’re in here.” I suggest as I slowly start to rub the front of her jeans.

I feel her squirm a little under my touch but her hand stops me and she pulls it away.

“We haven’t had sex in a little over a week. We’re going home to fix this the right way.” She says focusing ahead of her.

*

By the time we get to the house and out of the car I’m already hoisting her up as she wraps her legs around me pulling me in for a kiss. We slowly make our way into the house as I fumble with my keys to unlock the door.

Alex and Tobin should be gone for a while so I don’t worry as I push her against the door as I hear a gasp escape from her mouth. My lips move to her neck as my hand works its way to the bottom of her shirt as I bring it up to unhook her bra. I push myself into to her more as my teeth graze her neck I feel her stiffen and I can’t help but let out a seductive laugh.

“Ashlyn.”

“It’s a little soon to say my name isn’t it babe?” I tease.

“Put me down.” She whispers into my ear but I do as she says.

“What’s wrong?” I ask confused.

“Turn around we have guests.” I turn around quickly to see all of our friends including both of our families standing there. There is a huge ‘congratulations’ sign hung up with a bunch of balloons. Our friends we’re having a surprise engagement party for us. My face and expression must have been priceless because Tobin bursts out laughing.

“Congratulations.” Everyone starts to cheer and applaud us after several awkwardly painful moments of silence.

We’re both engulfed in hugs coming from family, friends, and everyone dear to us flew from all over to be with us. I feel Chris, my brothers arms wrap around me hugging me in a tight embrace as Kelley’s family is swarming her.

I look over to her and she has tears in her eyes as she hugs her brother Jerry and her sister Erin. She catches my eye winking at me before mouthing ‘later’ to me.

I find Tobin and Alex in the crowd hugging them tightly.

“You guys could’ve warned us.” I said to both of them laughing.

“Well we didn’t know that’s what you guys did when we were out!” Tobin says laughing along with me.

“Thank you guys this means so much to me.” I smile at the both of them.

“It was all Alex’s idea.” Tobin states as she looks at her girlfriend admiringly.

“Thank you Lex.” I say kissing her on the cheek. “This will mean so much to her.”

“I love both of you I just wanted you to all be able to celebrate this with your family.” She says hugging me, tears in her eyes.

*

“So Ash you finally stopped being a chicken and asked Kelley to marry you.” Chris says wrapping his arm around my shoulder pulling me into him.

“I wasn’t being a chicken I was just waiting for the right time jerk.” I say pushing him off playfully.

“Well either way she is one lucky girl to have you.” He says smiling at me.

“I think I’m the lucky one.” I say looking at Kelley talk animatedly to her family. “I never thought I’d find someone like her.”

“She is really amazing Ashlyn.” Chris says waving at Kelley who notices us staring.

“I don’t know what I would do without her.” I correct myself, “What I’m going to do without her.”

Chris pulls me into a hug, “Don’t think like that Ash just enjoy these moments with her.” He encourages me wiping away the tears that I let escape my eyes.

“Christopher.” I hear Kelley say before I see her flying into my brother’s arms.

“Ash is right Kell you are like a koala bear.” He jokes with her as she clings on to him.

“Babe I’m going to take your brother away for a chat but my fam obviously wants to see you.” Kelley yells as Chris walks away with her.

*

I’m sitting outside with Kelley’s parents and siblings in a quieter setting than the house.

“I’m so glad that you guys could make it.” I say as I sit next to Kelley’s mom, Karen.

“Well we’re just glad you called us and waited for us to get here.” Dan, her father, says smiling at me.

“I wouldn’t want it any other way then to have you guys to be here when I marry your daughter.”

“I always thought you we’re brave for dating Kell. She is definitely a handful but you balance her out really well.” Jerry says jokingly and we all laugh.

“She is a handful but I have never been happier then when I’m with her.” I say proudly.

“We know you love her Ash we have always been able to tell how much you care about each other.” Karen says but I see hesitation in her eyes.

“What’s wrong Karen?” I ask concerned.

“She’s just having a hard time with the recent news.” Dan says grabbing his wife’s hand and I immediately feel my throat tighten.

“If I had known I would’ve tried everything to help her. I would’ve done anything if I had just known.” I let my thoughts tumble out of my mouth. In all honesty I have been feeling guilty that I hadn’t somehow known she was sick.

“Oh honey we know you would’ve. This cancer is hard to detect and it just progressed too quickly.” Karen says her voice cracking. “We just wanted you to know that we are so happy that you entered Kelley’s life and that you are the one who is taking care of her.”

“I love your daughter more than anything and I’ll take care of her for as long as she’ll allow me to.”

“We know she’s in good hands.” Dan proclaims.

“Thank you for making her happy.” Erin says suddenly breaking out of her silence, “She always told me how amazing you were to her and how amazing your life together was. It’s rare for people to fall in love the way you guys did. I just wanted to thank you for loving her.”

“Thank you for all accepting me into your family and accepting me into Kell’s life. I love all of you.” I say not being able to hide the tears as I see Erin begin to cry.

We all continue to talk about Kelley and how incredibly she is until she gets us and pulls us back into the party.

“You’re supposed to be enjoying yourselves so go mingle.”Kelley says ushering them all inside. “Syd will supply you all with drinks.”

Kelley comes over to me hugging me around the waist as I wrap my arms around her shoulders bringing her closer.

“Are you enjoying yourself babe?”

“Yeah I love your family you know that.” I say kissing her on the forehead.

“I love yours as well. Mike was just telling me some adorable stories about you.” She says smirking at me.

“Ugh don’t tell me.” I groan at the thought of the stories he could’ve told her.

“No worries I’ll let you keep your dignity,” Kelley laughs grabbing my hand, “Come on stud I gotta show you off.” She says as she pulls me into the house to celebrate with our friends and family.

*

We say goodnight to all of our friends and family as the night finally comes to an end. Tobin and Alex are already sitting on the couch exhausted.

“That was an amazing night guy’s thank you for surprising us.” Kell says plopping down next to me on the couch.

“Oh you’re welcome it was the least we could do for you guys.” Tobin says wrapping her arm around Alex’s shoulder.

“I personally would like to thank you guys for being decent when you walked into the house today.” Alex jokes remembering our entrance from earlier. “I mean I know what Ashlyn likes to do in the car so-”

Alex doesn’t get to finish her sentence because the pillow Kelley throws at her shuts her up. I look at Kelley and she smiles at me guiltily.

“You told her about that?” I ask her pretending to be mad.

“It may have come up in passing or something like that.” Kelley adverts her eyes away from mine and closes her mouth like she does when she’s guilty.

“It’s okay because Tobin told me about that thing Alex likes to do in the shower.” I say nonchalantly but I hear the sharp intake in Tobin’s breath.

I look over to see Alex glaring at Tobin, her jaw is clenched shut and her body is stiff. Tobin is looking at her with wide eyes like she’s a child who has just gotten caught doing something bad.

“Should we tell everyone what you like to do in the laundry room?” Alex says pointedly.

Tobin’s eyes go completely wide and her mouth drops open slightly. She looks terrified and I can’t help but be curious as to what has Tobin so mortified.

“We all know you’re a freak Tobin.” We all jump not recognizing the voice.

I get up from the couch looking into the kitchen opening I see feet sprawled out next to the island. I go into the kitchen to see Kristie passed out on the floor with Syd half on top of her. She looks up at me with a big grin.

“Sydney what the hell are you doing?” I laugh.

“Well my ride couldn’t handle her alcohol and then passed out so I’m crashing here.”

“You’re going to sleep on our kitchen floor.” I point out.

“Yeah I’m going to lie on Kristie until she wakes up and carries me to the extra bedroom.” Sydney says lazily the wine making her eyelids heavy.

“You’re ridiculous.” I say leaving her in the kitchen.

“Kell you ready for bed?” I ask her as I see her dozing off on the couch.

“Carry me.” She says without opening her eyes.

“Goodnight guys.” I pick her up in my arms and start to walk down the hall before turning around and looking at Alex and Tobin, “Don’t go into the laundry room.”

*

A couple days go by and we spend most of them with mine and Kelley’s family getting ready for the wedding and spending time together.

We had just gotten done a barbeque with both of our families even Alex’s and Tobin’s we’re there to support us. Being with everyone has never made me feel so loved before and I feel blessed to have every single one of these people in my life.

“Alright we better get going so you guys can rest up for your big day tomorrow.” My mom says hugging me tightly.

“I will see you tomorrow afternoon mom.” I say hugging her back.

“I love you Ash.” She says with proud tears in her eyes.

“Don’t cry mom I love you too.” I say giving her another hug.

“I’m just happy for you and Kell.” She says wiping her tears away.

“Oh come on mom let’s leave before you get the other moms crying.” Chris says ushering my mom out the door after giving me a quick hug.

“Goodnight Honey.” I hear Karen say to Kelley pulling her into a hug. Erin, Jerry, and Dan all join in on a group hug and I can’t help but smile at this loving family that I’m about to join.

We all say our goodbyes to everyone’s families before we find ourselves back on our couch all four of us sitting together again.

“We should have weddings more often.” Alex says laying her head down on Tobin.

“I agree.” Kelley says exhausted from the busy agendas we have had these last two weeks.

“I think that it’s time to get you to bed babe.” I announce as I go to grab Kelley from the couch to carry her to bed.

“Hang on Ash. You and Kelley aren’t sleeping together tonight it’s the night before your wedding. Kelley is sleeping with me and you are having a sleepover with Tobs.”  
“Alright alright well bring her to bed Lex.” I say before giving Kelley a quick kiss on the lips.

*

I walk into Alex and Tobin’s room that they took over a couple of weeks ago when they decided to move in. I never realized until now that they had really made it their own room. There we’re pictures of all of us plastered all throughout the room from all of our adventures. There we’re pictures of Tobin and Alex on various trips together. Alex and Tobin we’re an amazing couple and I had loved spending every moment with them watching them grow as a couple and as our closest friends.

“Thank you Tobin.” I say as I recognize how amazing Tobin and Alex have been to us, not only now but for the past eight or four years I have known the two.

“You know I’m always here for you.” Tobin says like she’s read my mind.

“I don’t think you all know how much I appreciate you guys,” I say as I pick up a picture of the time we spent at that gorgeous camp one weekend, “You’ve all been so incredible.”

“Don’t get sappy on me now.” Tobin jokes as she pulls me into a hug. “I love you man.”

“I love you Tobs.” I say squeezing her tighter before pulling away.

“Why don’t we get some sleep, you got a big day tomorrow.” Tobin says climbing into bed.

I go to reach for the sheets to climb in before a thought occurs, “Uh did you guys change the sheets?”

“Duh.” Tobin says laughing.

I climb into bed but my mind is so restless that there is no way I can fall asleep right now. It’s the first night I’ve been away from Kelley and I already can’t sleep. Kelley has always been the one person to slow down my continuing thoughts. She helps calm me in every way possible long enough to allow me to sleep. Now that she isn’t here it’s hard to try to slow down the rapid rush of thoughts that are entering my mind.

“Stop thinking so loud Ashlyn I can’t sleep.” Tobin says facing away from me.

“How do you even know I’m awake?”

“Because I know you.” She sighs before turning on her back. “What’s on your mind man?”

“I just can’t stop thinking about tomorrow and Kelley.” I say.

“Are you excited?” Tobin smiles over at me.

“I’ve wanted to marry Kelley for so long there is no one else that I would ever want to be with or can imagine in my life the way Kelley is.” I say truthfully.

“Tomorrow is going to be amazing and so worth the wait.” Tobin exclaims excitedly at me referring to my waiting a year to propose.

The door to Tobin and Alex’s room opens as Kelley and Alex tip toe in thinking that we we’re asleep.

“We’re awake.” Tobin says and I can tell she’s smiling in the dark.

“Oh well we decided that we should probably all have a sleep over tonight.” Alex dances around what she really wants to say. “Since tomorrows such a big day and all.”

“What she means is we can’t sleep without you two so we decided having a huge sleepover would be better.” Kelley says as she crawls into bed next to me.

“Really? Tobin and I we’re just saying how it was awesome being away from you two.” I tease.

“Oh well in that case Lex and I can leave.” Kelley counters but I quickly pull her back down not wanting the calmness I feel to go away.

“Thank god for the king sized bed guys.” Tobin jokes as she turns to her side to snuggle into Alex.

“My three favorite people all in one bed it’s oddly comforting.” Alex says quietly.

“If you’re trying to ask us to have a foursome you have to at least get some alcohol in me first.” I say messing around with Alex.

“Ashlyn.” I hear Kelley’s voice trying to reprimand me but there’s light to it and I can tell she’s smiling.

“I love you all.” I chuckle.

“Yeah yeah yeah love you.”

“You’re tolerable at best.”

I get as responses from my friends but Kelley nuzzles her face into my neck before whispering her usually goodnight to me.

“I love you.”

“I love you too babe.”

“Always?”

“Never.”

*

“Wake up Assholes it’s the big day!” I hear Sydney’s voice before I feel her dive on top of all of us.

“Get off.”

“Go away.”

“Whose foot is that?”

I hear everyone call out in groans as Sydney rolls around on us trying to get us out of bed. When we all walk out into the kitchen Kristie is just finishing up breakfast talking to Heather about something that was on the TV this morning. For how much Sydney and Kristie drink I’m always surprised to find them up so early and recovered.

“It smells amazing in here.” Kelley says as she sits down at the island in our kitchen.

“I made pancakes, bacon, sausage, some eggs, and Sydney cut up the fruit.” Kristie smiles at all of us.

“Coffee.” Alex grunts as she makes her way to the counter.

“She’s a dream in the morning.” Heather says as she eyes Alex’s hair.

“You have no idea.” Tobin says.

“Anyways Kris and I figured that we would start this day off with all of your closest friends together. So we made breakfast or well Kristie did and HAO got the food.” Sydney beams at us.

“Well thanks guys.” Kell says as she grabs a grape from the bowl of fruit Syd cut up.

We all eat together, laughing, telling stories about Kelley and I. The energy in the air is contagious and I can’t help but feel the excitement buzzing inside of me. We spend the rest of the morning sitting around together as one big family before Kelley and I actually become a family.

“Well I think it’s time that Kelley and I go get ready for tonight so we will see you all there.” Alex says placing a kiss on Kelley’s head.

“I’ll see you guys tonight.” Kelley radiates.

“I love you.” Kelley says to me as she kisses me on the forehead.

“I love you too.” I smile as they grab some stuff before leaving the house.

We all say our goodbyes before we all disperse for the day to get ready for the wedding, for my wedding.

*

When I get to the beach where our wedding is being held I can’t believe how beautiful it is. There are rows off white chairs in the sand with white, grey, and black rocks creating an aisle to walk down. The altar is a small little stage made out of drift wood, there is a small white sheet covering the alter that’s held up by four oars. There are torches on the outsides of the chairs that will be lighting up the night sky for us. Kelley loves sunsets and I thought what better time to get married then when the sun is starting to set.

“This is amazing Ash.” Tobin says taking in the scenery as she walks up to stand next to me.

“I hope she likes it.” I say anxiously waiting as guest start to arrive.

“Are you kidding? She’s going to love it dude this screams Kelley and you for that matter.” Tobin says placing a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m so nervous.” I say fidgeting thinking about getting married to Kelley in less than a half an hour.

“Tonight is going to be unforgettable Ash.” Tobin says wrapping me in a tight hug.

“I wouldn’t want anyone else as my maid of honor.” I say kissing her head.

“You ready to get married?” Heather says approaching me wearing a simple but elegant black dress.

“Absolutely.” I smile at both of them.

*

Everyone is seated now and I feel myself reeling with anticipation. Tobin and I are waiting at the back of the audience to walk my bride and her bride’s maid to the altar. I hear the live orchestra I had hired start to play and my heart immediately starts beating rapidly. I feel Tobin give my hand a tight squeeze as we see the Alex start to walk down the lighted stairs with Kelley right behind her.

When Kelley finally makes it down the stairs with her dad I get a good look at her and my heart stops. Kelley looks absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. Her dress is white, strapless, short and simple with small patterns all along the bottom of it. Her hair is pulled back by a side braid but the rest of it flows in waves down her back and shoulders. I make eye contact with her and I see that she’s laughing most likely because of the outfit I’m in. She smiles at me the entire time she’s walking to me like I’m the only person she sees.

Tobin kisses Alex quickly before walking down the aisle to where Heather is waiting for us.

“You look beautiful.” I say smiling at my fiancé.

“I love your outfit.” She laughs, “You’ve never looked better.”

“Ashlyn I know you’ll take care of my little girl.” Dan says hugging me before he passes me Kelley’s hand.

I wrap Kelley’s arm around mine as we make our way down the aisle watching everyone’s smiling faces as we pass them.

“We are gathered here today to unite these two extraordinary people.” Heather says as the music dies down.

“I have known Ashlyn and Kelley for a long time now and I don’t feel as though I need to preach about what marriage means. Today is more than just two people becoming a family it is about celebrating the love that they share. Their love reminds me of a similar quote I once heard ‘Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful.’ This quote to me shares the love that Kelley and Ashlyn have for one another. And I am here today as a witness and to have the honor to experience these two wonderful individuals to become connected as one."

Heather lets her words flow out fluidly it’s almost like she’s done this before.

“Now Ashlyn and Kelley have always been unique individuals and ordinary vows will not do for this incomparable couple I think that it is only right that they share their own vows to one another.” Heather pronounces to the crowd before looking down at me, “Ashlyn will you please share your vows to your bride.”

I feel my hands shake as I reach for Kelley’s hands to place in my own. I breathe in deeply nervous about speaking in front of this crowd. When I look up I see Kelley smiling at me, such love in her eyes that my nervousness seems to disappear.

“Ever since I was little I have felt homesick for a place that I never knew.  
I had spent most of my life in search of a place to quench this feeling inside of me.  
It wasn’t until I met you that I found everything that put me at ease.  
I have found my home when I look into your eyes  
I have found a love that can only be found in your heart.  
I have found the missing piece of me in your soul.  
I have never felt more at home or alive than when I am in your arms.  
You are my home and there is where I will forever stay. I love you.”  
My eyes never stray from Kelley’s but I can hear Tobin sniff behind me and from the corner of my eye I see Alex wipe her eyes. Kelley’s eyes are searing into mine pouring her love into me as I try to pour mine into hers.

“Kelley will you please share your vows to your bride.” Heather says her voice thick with emotion.

“I promise to inspire your compassion because it’s the most breathtaking thing about you.  
I promise to help you dream no matter what because that is how your soul shines.  
I promise to guide you when you feel lost because there is nothing we cannot face together.  
I promise to love you on earth and long after I am gone because my heart resides inside of you.  
And I promise to carry you with me where ever I go because you are my strength.  
I will take care of you until you no longer need me this I promise. I love you.”

Everyone’s faces we’re filled with tears as Kelley finished her final vows. Her vows we’re spoken with so much power and love that my heart felt like it was about to soar out of my chest. This amazing girl standing in front of me confessing her love to me was so overwhelming I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my own eyes.

“Ashlyn are you ready to love this girl openly, fiercely, and endlessly?”

“I’m in.” Heather is right our love is like no other and I don’t say the traditional ‘I do’ because Kelley and I are not traditional we are extraordinary and this day is starting a new adventure. I may stray away from the wedding tradition but I don’t from our own tradition.

“I’m in.” I hear Tobin whisper as she hands me Kelley’s ring to place on her finger.

“Kelley are you ready to love this girl openly, fiercely, and endlessly?”

“I’m in” Kelley says smiling at me before grabbing my ring from Alex.

“I’m in.” Alex whispers to Kelley handing her a ring.

The ring Kelley slides onto my finger is a simple white gold band but I wouldn’t want any other type of ring. I don’t want a diamond ring and Kelley knows that because Kelley knows me.

“You may now kiss your bride.” Heather pronounces happily to the crowd.

I grab Kelley kissing her fiercely letting all the love I have for her show in this kiss.

“I love you.” I say pulling away to hug her.

“I love you Ashlyn.” She says kissing me one last time.

“Let’s go celebrate with everyone.” I say smiling at her.  
“Carry me.” She says and I don’t object as I lift her up and carry her down the aisle as everyone stands clapping for us.

We’re married.

*

The reception is held in a huge tent that was set up on the beach for us. It’s big enough to fit tables, a buffet, a DJ, and a huge dance floor.

“Congratulations guys.” Sydney says coming up hugging us with Kristie right behind her.

“Congrats guys. I’m so happy for you.” Kristie says hugging us.

“Thank you for helping us it means a lot.” Kelley says beaming at them.

Kelley, Tobin, Alex, and I all sit down at a table to eat while friends and family stop by to congratulate us. Our families are talking at a table and I’m happy to see them all smiling and laughing together. Once everyone starts to quiet down and finish their meals Alex stands up clinking her glass.

“I just want to take a moment to congratulate two of my favorite people. I have known Kelley since I was little and she has become a sister to me. She is an incredible person and deserves nothing but the best.” Alex takes a second to compose herself before continuing, “Kelley was lucky enough to have met Ashlyn because Ashlyn is one of the most selfless, caring, good-natured, and astonishing people I have ever met. I see every day in her words, actions, and her eyes how much love she has for Kelley. I know that Kelley has found true happiness in Ashlyn and I just want to thank you so much for this family that you have created, this unconventional crazy family. I love you both so much, congratulations.” Alex says crying as everyone claps for her.

I stand up to hug Alex tightly because she’s right we are all a family. The four of us have been together non-stop for the last four years. We know everything about each other and we have always been there no matter what has happened to us.

“I love you Lex.” I whisper into her ear before sitting back down to let Kelley hug Alex.

Kelley is whispering into Alex’s ear and I have never noticed until now how great of a bond they share. I know that they are best friends but it goes so much far past that. I know when Alex says we’re like family that she actually means it and in this moment I can’t help but feel such gratitude towards her for always being there for Kelley in ways that I can’t be.

I see Tobin stand up ready to make her speech as everyone quiets down again to listen.

“I have always looked up to Ashlyn during the last eight years that I have known her. She has always been such a loving and loyal friend. She’s extremely outgoing and knows exactly what she wants. She has always inspired me to be more than I am and once she met Kelley she gave me something different to aspire for. I have never seen Ashlyn love someone the way she loves Kelley. I have had the privilege of getting to know Kelley these last four years and without a doubt she is the kindest person I have ever met. She is this kindhearted, eccentric, ball of incredible beauty inside and out. She pushes all of us to explore, appreciate, and love every day. The love that Ashlyn and Kelley share for each other is so rare it’s undescribable. Their love is something that I aspire for, that something all of us work more.” Tobin says with tears running down her cheeks, “Kelley has made all of us better people and I know that if Ashlyn should be with anyone it should be Kelley. I love you Kell thank you for keeping all of us on our toes and making my best friend the happiest person. Congratulations to two of my favorite people. May happiness never leave them.” Tobin says raising her glass in the air as everyone cheers in agreement.

Kelley is out of her chair and slamming into Tobin before Tobin even has a chance to drink from her champagne glass. All four of us embrace each other in a group hug celebrating our friendship and mine and Kelley’s marriage.

*

Kelley is talking with her family while I’m talking to mine at a table as we finish up eating the cake that was made for us. Everything about tonight has been absolutely perfect even the father daughter dances went amazing with little tears shed. Tonight has been filled with so much love and excitement and I have never been so thankful for everyone.

“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen but I think it’s time for the bride’s first dance.”

I stand up and walk over to Kelley before bowing and sticking my hand out. I lead her to the dance floor placing one hand on her hip and the other hand extended out grabbing hers with mine.

“Since when did you learn to dance properly?” She says standing there waiting for the music to start.

“I took a couple lessens here and there.” I say as the music slowly starts to play and I start to lead us on the dance floor. “Listen closely.” I whisper to her.

_The day we met,_  
 _Frozen I held my breath_  
 _Right from the start_  
 _I knew that I'd found a home for my heart beats fast_  
 _Colors and promises_  
 _How to be brave?_  
 _How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?_  
 _But watching you stand alone_  
 _All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_

_One step closer_

I lead Kelley through the dance floor willing her to hear the words to the song as it plays before us.

_I have died everyday waiting for you_  
 _Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_  
 _For a thousand years_  
 _I'll love you for a thousand more_

I spin Kelley as the chorus starts to play and the tempo picks up slightly before it goes back to the beautiful slow melody.

_Time stands still_  
 _Beauty in all she is_  
 _I will be brave_  
 _I will not let anything take away_  
 _What's standing in front of me_  
 _Every breath_  
 _Every hour has come to this_

_One step closer_

I squeeze her as the second verse sings out and her eyes meet mine as she listens to the words a smile plays on her face. We spin and glide along the dance floor as our love flows between each step we make. Suddenly our friends are paired and right on cue they start to dance along in the same formal dance we’re doing ourselves.

_I have died everyday waiting for you_  
 _Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_  
 _For a thousand years_  
 _I'll love you for a thousand more_

“What is going on?” Kelley laughs as she watches are friends dance beside us.

“I may have had all of us take dance lessons so we could do this for our wedding.” I say smiling proudly at her.

“I love you.” She whispers pulling me closely.

  
 _And all along I believed I would find you_  
 _Time has brought your heart to me_  
 _I have loved you for a thousand years_  
 _I'll love you for a thousand more..._  
 _One step closer_

“I love you.” I whisper into her hair before I spin her gracefully.

_I have died everyday waiting for you_  
 _Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_  
 _For a thousand years_  
 _I'll love you for a thousand more_  
 _And all along I believed I would find you_  
 _Time has brought your heart to me_  
 _I have loved you for a thousand years_  
 _I'll love you for a thousand more._

“Always?” She says as I pull her back in.

“Never.” I say kissing her as the words slowly fade away and all my focus is on her.

*

This night has been absolutely incredible and Tobin was right I wouldn’t change it for the world. Everyone had slowly trickled home after a long night of dancing and we we’re saying our goodbyes to our families before they headed back to their hotels.

“Tonight was amazing wasn’t it?” Tobin asks as she watches Kelley and Alex dancing on the dance floor.

“It was unforgettable.” I say wrapping my arm around her. “But I’m ready to go home what do you say?”

“Well actually Alex and I are staying with Kristie and Syd. We wanted to give you guys your space tonight.” Tobin says smiling at me.

“Thank you for everything Tobs.”

“You’re welcome man. Today wasn’t just about Kelley but about you too now let’s go get your bride and my girlfriend and we can call it a night.” Tobin says running off to the dance floor to join the girls for one last dance.

*

“Tonight was incredible.” Kelley says as I carry her out of the car and into the house.

“Tonight was the best day of my life.” I exclaim as I carry Kelley to our bedroom.

When I opened the door I saw that our room had been transformed with lit candles, roses everywhere, and black and white pictures of Kelley and I hung all over the walls. Our room looked like something right out of a hotel magazine.

“I love our friends.” Kelley exhales as she stares at the room.

Kelley is touching one of the pictures of us on the wall. It’s from the time that we all went to Alaska on a cruise two years ago. It was an amazing day just like every day with Kelley is.

Kelley looks absolutely beautiful right now, her hair is up now from all the dancing, the lights are creating shadows on her back but you can see where her muscles curve. She looks absolutely beautiful in that dress.

I walk up behind her running my hand down her shoulder to her arm while kissing her shoulder where my hand had just been. Kelley hums in happiness as I wrap my other hand around her and pull her closer to me.

“I love you.” I say into her hair as I inhale her shampoo.

“I love you Ashlyn.” She says turning around to face me. “Now get me out of this dress.” She says her voice full of wanting.

*

Kelley and I lay in bed our limbs entwined in complete bliss. My body aches but in the most satisfying way possible. Tonight meant so much more than just sex. I felt more connected to Kelley this time and it made it that much more amazing.

Kelley is lying on my shoulder as she draws intricate circles and patterns on my stomach like she always does. I feel at complete peace lying with her like this.

“I want to take your last name.” I say breaking her out of her concentration.

“You do?” She asks lifting her head up, “Why’s that?”

“Because I want people to know that I’m yours.” I say shrugging a little, “I want to be a part of your family and I want everyone to know I’m married to the most incredible girl.”

“You’re ready to become an O’Hara?” Kelley says teasingly.

“I’ve been ready.” I simply state. “I love you Kell I want your last name.”

“I love you too.” Kelley says kissing me, “Mrs. O’Hara.”

We spent the whole night talking to each other about anything and everything. I had never been so happy in my entire life until today. I’m married to Kelley O’Hara the only girl who will ever have my heart.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s a Saturday afternoon and we’re having HAO, her husband, Sydney, and Kristie over for a barbeque. They are all in the living room arguing over who had more ‘swag’ so I decided it was time to put the food on the grill. When I walked around the corner I stopped short when I heard Alex’s voice. 

“Kelley I’m moving my wedding date up.” She says sternly.

“Lex I don’t want you to do that.” Kelley says sighing.

“But why Kell? I want you at my wedding I need you to be there.” Alex pleads.

“You have already sent out the save the date invites, booked everything that you need for your wedding, and I do not want you changing anything for me. I will be at your wedding just please stop worrying Alex.”

“You can’t promise that Kelley it’s six months away.” Alex says her voice thick with emotion.

“Oh Alex don’t cry please.” Kelley says softly, “I promise you that no matter what I will be there.”

“We don’t know that.” Alex’s voice was small, fragile. 

“I will be at your wedding Alex I will watch you get married, and I will give the best Maid of Honor speech ever.” Kelley says trying to lighten Alex’s mood.

“Besides my family you are the only other person that I truly need to be there with me.” She says trying to convince Kelley to let her change the date but Kelley is selfless and would never let Alex do that.

“And Tobin, I mean it would be awkward if she wasn’t at the wedding.” I hear Alex let out a small laugh, “Ashlyn has to be there as well you know that.” 

“You’re a brat sometimes.” Alex says still upset but not as much as before.

“I know but you love me and that’s all that matters now one way or another I will see you and Tobin get married even if I have to drag you guys to Las Vegas.” Kelley says laughing, “Now let’s get inside and see what antics everyone is up to.”

I quickly open and shut the door making it like I was just coming outside and not listening the entire time.

“Hey guys I didn’t know you we’re out here. I’m about to put the food on the grill so if you want to start prepping the other stuff with the girls inside that would be great.”

“Sounds good.” Alex says smiling but looking distracted.

“I never pegged you as an ease dropper Mrs. O’Hara.” Kelley says quickly kissing me before grabbing the food out of my hands and heading towards the grill. Of course Kelley knew I was listening, Kelley always somehow knows where I am.

“I didn’t mean to I was honestly just coming outside to do the food.” I say honestly.

“I know babe I’m only joking with you.” She says starting the grill like she actually knows what she’s doing, “I’m just thankful you missed the part about me talking bad about you.” Kelley says winking at me.

“You really are a brat.” I say grabbing her waist and moving her out of the way, “And an awful cook so out of my way babe.” 

“I guess I’ll just sit here and look pretty.” She exhales shaking her head so her hair moves side to side dramatically, “But before I do I’m going to grab some wine. Do you want a glass?”

“Could you grab me a beer please.” I say giving her a quick peck.

“Sure thing.” She hops off the table and walks back into the house.

It’s only a matter of time before everyone is outside on the small deck that we have in our back yard all sitting together getting ready to eat.

“Pass the potatoes.”

“Can you hand me the ketchup.”

“Hey don’t spill my wine.”

“Speaking of wine where is the other bottle?”

“You drank it Syd.”

The chatter on the table is in full swing as I bring over the steaks that were on the grill. I sit down at one end of our table while staring at Kelley at the other end. She’s talking lightly with Tobin about something that has Tobin dying with laughter. I almost think she’s going to make Tobin choke on her corn on the cob at one point. 

“I want to go to Vegas.” Alex pronounces to the table as the table goes quiet.

“What was that Lex?” Tobin says still laughing at whatever Kelley had been saying.

“I said I want to go to Las Vegas.” She says it more sternly to show that she’s serious.

“Let’s do it.” I say knowing exactly why she wants to go, “I think it would be a great trip for all of us.”  
“I am so down for this!” Syd says animatedly and I actually worry about the ideas that are conjuring in her head.

“I think it would be awesome.” HAO says through a mouthful of food.

“As much as I would love to join your escapades that will surely turn legal, I think I will let this be a girl’s trip.” Dave, Heather’s husband, says chuckling. 

“I’m in.” I say staring at Kelley letting her know my reasoning in my eyes.

“I’m in” Tobin says smiling at Alex.

“I’m in.” Alex says looking at Kelley. “You in Kell?”

“I’m in.” Kelley says quietly but I see something spark in her eye because she knows exactly what Alex is trying to do.

*

“Why would you agree with Alex, Ashlyn?” Kelley says to me in a tone that is anything but pleasant. 

“Because I think we all need a vacation together and why not Vegas? We haven’t been there yet.” I say continuing to wash the dishes.

“You know it’s not about a vacation. You know Alex is only doing it because…” Kelley says cutting herself short.

“Because what Kelley?” I say looking at her for the first time.

“She’s only doing it because she doesn’t know if I’ll be alive in six months.” Kelley says looking away frustrated, “She has always wanted a dream wedding and she can’t give that up because of me.” 

“Babe Alex is your best friend and we all know if she decides she wants to do something then she will do it.” I say placing the dish down and drying my hands off.

“People cannot just base their decisions because of me.” Kelley’s voice rises as she continues to talk, “I will not let people change things around because of me.”

“Kelley of course people are going to make changes.” I say raising my voice to match hers, “We love you and things are going to have to be changed not just because of you but for all of us.”

“You don’t get it.” Kelley says pissed off.

“I don’t get it?” I say moving closer to her, “Right.”

“You don’t Ashlyn no one does.” She breathes out angrily, “I have all of these people that I love who are hurting and trying to do things because of me. People are making decisions based solely on the fact that I’m going to die.”

“And you feel guilty about it.” I point out.

“I don’t want people to put their lives on pause or move their plans forward just because of me.” She says getting choked up, “Alex has always wanted a big wedding and now she’s settling for a cheap chapel in Vegas all because of me.” 

“She loves you Kelley she just wants you to be there at her wedding.”

“Yeah? Well what about all of the other things that I will miss?” Kelley asks her voice changing in a way I’ve never heard, “I am going to miss everything in your guys’ life and the pressure of that is tearing at me inside.” 

“Don’t say that.” I say through clenched teeth not wanting to listen.

“Ashlyn you know that I’m right.” She says caressing my cheek. “I’m going to miss weddings, birthdays, holidays, adventures, and other moments in all of your lives. I just need you guys to stop trying to fit everything into a short amount of time. Eventually I will not be here for you guys and I will miss out.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?” I ask shocked. 

“Because I want people to stop being upset and I want people to be okay when I leave.” She says wiping her eyes, “I want people to live their lives the same way they would with or without me.”

“Babe…”I say struggling with the right words to say to Kelley to make her feel better but I realize that nothing will make her feel better. She knows that her not being with us anymore is going to kill us and she’s worried. She’s worried because she is still the same loving, selfless girl we have all grown to love so I say the only thing that I think will help ease her guilt, “I’ll talk to Alex okay?”

“Okay.” She says wiping away the freshly wave of tears.

“I love you please don’t be upset.” I say hugging her tightly, “Let’s just enjoy tonight okay? We can talk about this later if you want.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you and that amazingly big heart of yours.” I say kissing her forehead.

*

“Hey Lex, do you think I could talk to you for a minute?” I say quietly.

“Sure Ash.” She says a little confused but walks out of the house to the patio. She sits down at one of the seats around the fire pit that’s in the backyard. We had started a fire during dinner and it’s still going so I add a few more logs.

“What’s wrong Ash?” Alex says as I sit down letting out a sigh.

“You can’t get married in Vegas, you have to keep your wedding date.” 

“Ashlyn please-” She starts to protest but I cut her off wanting to say what I had to say.

“Alex, Kelley does not want you changing your wedding plans for her.” I say a little more fiercely than I had meant to, “Kelley feels guilty because she doesn’t want any of us putting our lives on hold or doing things just because she is- “Breathe I repeat inside my head, “She isn’t going to always be with us. The last thing I want is for Kelley to hold this burden because we know she is already worrying about us enough as it is without us trying to change things around for her to be able to be there with us and pressure her.”

“She has to be there Ashlyn.” Alex says distantly but I hear the sadness in her voice.

“Alex” I say grabbing her hand and kissing it, “Kelley will not always be here with us and I don’t know how- I don’t- damnit.” I say not being able to encourage Alex. The thought of Kelley not being with us anymore is unbearable and I can’t hide the heartbreak that I feel.

Alex gets up to sit on my lap wrapping her arms around me in a comforting embrace as she strokes my hair trying to calm the sobs that are making their way out.

“When I was ten I was absolutely terrified to move from California to Georgia. Living in a new place, away from all of my old friends, having to make new friends, it was all so terrifying for me. Kelley was the first person to befriend me and she has been by my side ever since. She was there for me with my first kiss from a boy… and a girl, through every heartbreak, every struggle, every time I needed to cry, or needed a carton of ice cream and someone to share it with, she was there right by my side when I decided to go to Berkley instead of Stanford with her, and she was there when we signed the lease to our first ever apartment, she was there when I couldn’t stop talking about Tobin that night we first met, she was there when I started to fall for Tobin, and I need her there when we get married. She is Kelley. She is the girl who helped me grow, to trust, to be fearless, to fight for what I wanted, to love every single second of my life, to love unconditionally.” Her voice was thick with her own tears escaping down her flushed cheeks, “I can’t imagine a life without Kelley, I refuse to, all I know is that I need her to see me walk down that aisle, whether it’s at my favorite venue, or a smelly chapel in the middle of Vegas, she will be there.”

“Lex she will be there you just have to have faith that Kelley will be there. We have to stop trying to force things to happen and just enjoy the time with Kelley. We can’t keep thinking about- her not being here.” I say breathing in deeply, “We have to live freely in every single moment we have with her. We have to be stronger than this for Kelley and for ourselves. There will be no more worrying about the future just worrying about the present okay?”

“I’m scared Ash.” Alex says letting more tears spill out.

“I know I am too but if we consume ourselves in this sorrow than we are going to miss out on the most important times we will have with Kelley.”

“You’re right.” She says after a couple minutes of silence. “I know that you’re right.”

“We’re going to go to Vegas but not for the pressures of you getting married but to enjoy an amazing time with our closest friends.”

“Thank you Ashlyn.”

“You’re welcome. I want you to know that Kelley always told me about the times you we’re there for her and how amazing of a friend you are to her.” I say pulling her closer trying to comfort her, “Your friendship is something to envy it’s something people will always seek for but never reach it, it’s rare.”

“Just like Tobin and yours?”

“Even greater than ours.” I say smiling at her.

“You know Kelley may be my best friend but you are very high up there.” Alex says lightheartedly trying to push past the sadness.

“You are one of my best friends Lex. You’re one of my favorite people.”

“And you’re one of mine.” She says simply but these simple words spoke volumes between us.

“How about we get back in there and tell Kelley to stop being a stubborn, kindhearted friend?”

“Okay.” She says as she ruffles my hair before standing up and walking inside.

I watch as she goes towards Kelley on the couch, sitting on her lap, and whispering into her ear before wrapping her arms around her tightly.

Kelley’s eyes instantly found mine and I could see her body physically relax as she mouthed the words ‘thank you.’

*

“Sydney you don’t need three suitcases.”

“We’re only going for four days.”

Kristie and Tobin groan together as they lug Sydney’s heavy bags down the stairs to the car. Tobin and Alex managed two fit their stuff in one suitcase and backpacks just like Kelley and I so we could make traveling easier. 

“Trust me I need options for each day, you never know what we’re going to be doing.” Sydney says simply walking to the car not carrying any of her bags.

“Come on guys let’s get this show on the road! Our plane leaves in a couple hours!” Heather says yelling out of the driver’s side window.

“Get in the car Syd.” Kelley laughs.

*

We arrive to our hotel all of us radiating excitement as we step out of the cab and see the outside of our hotel. We’re staying at a hotel called Circus Circus and the outside is incredible in itself. It is shaped like a circus tent with tons of red, white, and yellow lights. The outside makes me feel like I’m walking straight into a circus and I feel like a little kid again.

“Wow this is the shit.” Sydney says staring up at the outside lights.

“Dude lets go inside and check into our rooms!” Tobin says excitedly walking towards the hotel entrance.

*  
Kelley, Tobin and I opted to sharing a room together with two double beds due to the time restraint on our trip so we ended up in a double bed room called the West Tower Room. I open the door to one of the nicest hotels that I have stayed in on such a short notice. The first few things I notice are the vibrant colors on the walls, curtains, and furniture. All of the furniture is contemporary and extremely beautiful. The counter that is below the flat screen TV is marble as well as in the bathroom. 

“This is so nice.” Kelley says as she plops down on the bed, “Ugh and so comfortable!”

“This place is so sick.” Tobin said looking at the brochures on the desk in our room.

“Thank you Alex for your amazing skills at finding affordable but awesome hotels.” I say taking my place on the bed beside Kelley. She was right the beds here are comfortable. 

“Dude this place has an indoor amusement park and the passes are actually really cheap. They’re like thirty bucks a person, we gotta check it out!” Tobin says giddily like a little kid.

“They also have Circus Acts where you can see a bunch of performers.” Alex chimes in, “It’s also free.”

“Awesome!” Tobin and Kelley exclaim at the same time.

“It says here ‘Act your age somewhere else!’they have a Circus Carnival as well where you can play tons of games. Tobin and Kelley can go there while the rest of us adults go to the hotels casino.” Alex says smirking at the two children who are now jumping together on the bed.

“They have a ton of restaurants and places to go as well.” I say grabbing the left behind brochure from Tobin.

“We are going to have so much fun!” Kelley yells as her and Tobin continues to jump on the bed.

It seemed to be right on cue when someone starts to slam on the door to the hotel room probably already coming to complain about the noise we are making.

I open it thinking we we’re getting a complaint when Sydney, Kristie, and Heather come barging in.

“You guys need to check out our room!” Heather says excitedly.

“Tobs they have an amusement park and a circus.” Kristie says smiling.

“Dude who cares lets go to the Casino!” Sydney yells holding a bottle of champagne.

“Where the hell did you get that?” I ask her incredulously.

“Does it matter? We’re in Vegas Bitches!”

*

We spent the entire morning checking out everything that the hotel had to offer. Tobin and Kelley had us all go to the amusement park, check out Midway, and the Circus show and it was actually so much fun. Each event we went to was amazing and the circus show and their performance was mind-blowing. 

We spent the entire day wondering around to each of the entertainments that they offered and everyone was enjoying themselves so much.

That night we went to eat at the restaurant called Rock & Rita’s which had an awesome vibe to it. The bartenders we’re doing small show and tricks with their bottles and there was an awesome band playing. I had the best Macaroni and Cheese ever it had five different cheeses with smoked ham and bacon in it. This place had a homey feel to it but it was exciting and the barbeque was amazing. We all had an amazing night laughing and experiencing an ounce of the Las Vegas scene. 

When we got to the hotel that night we all crashed in our beds exhausted from the day’s activities. 

“That was a marvelous first day on our vacation.” Kelley says smiling as she curls next to me in bed.

“What are we doing tomorrow?” Tobin says as she stretches before lying down next to Alex.

“We should spend the day exploring the Las Vegas strip.” Kelley suggests excitedly.

“We should check out the Fremont Street Experience at night.” I say remembering what the waitress had said at dinner, “It has all of these live shows, music, and entertainment and it’s right on the strip downtown.

“I guess we know what we will be doing tomorrow.” Kelley says kissing me before falling asleep.

*

We all wake up early to eat breakfast and spend the most of the day exploring the different attractions and shopping on the Las Vegas strip. We went in and out of different hotels seeing what kind of things they had to offer. It was a day spent exploring a new city together.

We ended up at the Blue Iguana Mexican Express which had the best tacos. We all sat around eating our food trying to regain some energy for tonight.

“So let’s eat, explore some more shops, and then go get ready for tonight.” Sydney announces with a burrito stuffed mouth.

“Chew Syd.” Kristie chastises her. “Before you choke and all of us decide not to save you.”

“Oh shut it you know you’d save me Kristie.” Sydney continues to say with a full mouth.

“That’s debatable.” 

“You love me.” Sydney says stuffing more food into her mouth. I notice then that Kristie became silent. I know how hard it is for her to be in love with Sydney but have Sydney too afraid to admit the same feelings. They practically act like they are dating but without the physical part. I’ve told Kristie to make a move when Syd wasn’t drunk but she’s afraid to.

“You’re impossible Syd.” Kelley laughs breaking the tension for Kristie.

“Maybe we can sell Sydney to one of those circuses and make some money off of her.” Alex jokes.

“Yeah then we can go to M&M world afterwards!” Tobin says excitedly.

“I don’t think we would get that much money Tobs.” Heather teases further.  
“I take offense to that we all know I’m a prize possession.” Sydney says nonchalantly not even phased. 

“Yeah something like that Syd.” I say wrapping my arm around her. “Now let’s finish lunch so we can continue our exploring.”

*

“Remember guys do not buy any drinks here if we want alcohol drink your flasks if you’re out then we can go to a bar after. Got it Syd?”

“Wow Heather I am offended that you think I would be the one to worry about.”

“You are the one to worry about” I chime in knowing Sydney’s partying ways. “And Alex.”

“Hey!” Alex glares. “We can’t help that we love to have a good time.”

“Yeah well let’s have a good time without taking drinks from strangers.” Kristie adds. “Sydney I packed you an extra flask in case it did happen.”

“Yeah Lex your extra one is in my backpack.” Tobin smiles at her.

“Let’s have some fun guys.” Kelley says excitedly.

We emerge through the large crowds of people and make our way to the stage. The music playing is upbeat and we all find ourselves dancing to the rhythm of the hypnotic music. There are bright lights everywhere and the atmosphere of this place makes it like we’re in a huge outdoor club. 

Kelley is standing in front of me moving to the music. The lights are creating beautiful patterns on her back, her skin looking smooth under the lights. I reach out grabbing her waist pulling her into me, her arms immediately wrap around my neck as we move to the music together. The movements we’re making, creates a torturous friction that causes me to squeeze her waist and pull her closer. 

When we first met each other we would always go out to clubs together and dance all night. I felt like I was twenty two again excited about my new relationship and I feel like that tonight. I feel like I’m back in time when we were all young, fresh out of college looking for a good time. There were no worries about full time jobs or bills. Kelley was healthy.

I turn Kelley around pressing her into me as we continue to dance to the music filling the atmosphere. I press my lips against hers hard wanting to wash out any bad thoughts that are trying to enter my mind and ruin this night. Kelley’s lips were fervent and I knew she was feeling the same way I was. I can feel us molding into one person as the music and the touch of each other swept us away. The moment we are sharing made it like there was no one else in the world; it was just Kelley and I dancing away the troubles of our lives.  
I fell in love again with Kelley in this moment and I spent the rest of the night holding on to her, getting lost in the music and the environment around us. 

*

Everyone walked down to breakfast hung over and sleepy but Kelley and I were well rested. 

“You guys look like shit.” I laugh at my friends who are downing coffee.

“Well some of us didn’t leave early.” Sydney says glaring at me.

“How was it?” I ask.

“It was amazing til Sydney somehow found herself on stage and tried to crowd surf.” Heather laughs, “They didn’t even catch her.”

“That’s hilarious.” I say laughing out loud.

“Alex tried to rent out the house to random people as well.” Tobin yawns, “She almost gave her keys away.”

“Why didn’t you come back to the room last night?” I ask remembering that we woke up alone in the room this morning.

“We did come back last night and the images in our brains are seared there forever.” Tobin says wincing. 

“No you didn’t.” I say not remembering them come in at all.

“Trust me Ash we did but you guys were too engulfed in each other.” Tobin says fake gagging.

“That’s not true.” Kelley says defensively.

“And I thought Tobin was flexible.” Alex says causing Kelley to spit out her food in laughter.

“You guys are lying.” Kelley says exasperatedly.

“‘Don’t stop Ash’ does that sound familiar?” Tobin says arching her eyebrow while imitating Kelley’s moaning.

“I did not sound like that.” Kelley says slapping Tobin in the arm.

“Actually babe you did.” I say laughing hysterically with Tobin.

“If you ever want to hear it again then I suggest you shut up.” Kelley challenges me.

“Uh Tobin leave my wife alone or else.” 

“Whipped.” Sydney says smiling at Kelley.

“Gladly.” I say kissing Kelley’s cheek.

“So what is on the agenda for today?” HAO asks sleepily but happy as always.

“Recovery. I need recovery.” Kristie’s voice is filled with exhaustion.

“So let’s have a relaxing last day and then we can go to the casino.” Alex suggests, “Bellagio?”

“Yes!” Sydney says excitedly.

“Alright so let’s all go get our stuff and we can relax by the pool then dinner and Casino?” Kelley is beaming at the thought of the Bellagio.

We all get up to go our separate ways to get ready for the beach but Alex stops short to turn around when she realizes Tobin isn’t beside her.

“Babe are you going to be a statue or are you coming to the room?” Alex asks amused.

“I think we should get married here.” Tobin says staring at Alex.

“Hold up what did she just say?” Sydney asks Kristie.

“I said that I want to get married here, today.” Tobin says smiling.

“Tobin.” I hear Kelley’s voice slice through the surprised silence.

“I’m serious I want to get married in Vegas.” She says again not breaking her gaze from Alex.

“Okay let’s get married.” Alex smiles brightly but I see Kelley tense.

“So you’re getting married?” Heather asks questioningly.

“Yes.” Tobin grins widely.

“Today? So no recovery instead you’re having a wedding.” Kristie continues to question.

“Yes!” Tobin shouts happily.

“Is this for real?” Sydney asks one last time.

“Ugh Yes!” Tobin says smiling.

“Let’s go get ready!” Sydney squeals as they take off towards the elevators.

I can feel the tension pouring off of Kelley as she glares at Tobin and Alex who are in their own world. We walk in silence to the elevators and into our hotel room before Kelley decides to talk again.

“You aren’t getting married.” Kelley’s voice is stern.

“What do ya mean Kell? Yes we are.” Tobin says looking confused.

“Can I speak to you outside please.” Kelley says to Tobin who nods her head yes.

Alex starts to sit up from the bed looking a little afraid but Kelley turns her glare to her that makes Alex sit back down on the bed. They walk out the door and the room is completely silent.  
I look at Alex and I know we’re thinking the same thing as we try to be quiet rushing to the door to press our ears against it to listen.

“Tobin I don’t want you guys getting married because of me.” Kelley says frustrated.

“Kelley I’m not doing this just because of you.” Tobin says lightheartedly. “I love Alex I want to get married to her.

“Yeah and you have a wedding date and everything else planned out already so what’s the rush?” She pauses and I know the face that she is giving Tobin by the tone in her voice, “If it’s because of me then don’t bother Tobin. I know Lex talked you into this.”

“Lex did ask me before we came Kelley but I also know that you told Ashlyn that you didn’t want us doing anything because of you and I respect that.” Tobin says firmly.

“Then why are you doing it Tobin?” 

“Because Kell I love Alex and I want to marry her.” Tobin says chuckling. “You know that I love her enough to have a big fancy wedding but we all know I don’t need a fancy wedding to marry her. You know me well enough to know that I would’ve wanted a spontaneous wedding.”

“So this has nothing to do with me?” Kelley presses.

“Of course it does Kell because despite your wishes we are a family. You will always matter in any decision we make so yes I want to marry Alex today for my own reasons but that doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about you as well. I want you at my wedding.”

“I will be at your wedding so you don’t have to get married today Tobin. You can wait.” 

“That’s the great thing about this Kell I can get married today and then married again during our planned wedding.” Tobin laughs, “Who wouldn’t want to marry the love of their life twice right?”

“So you really want to get married today Tobs?” Kelley lets out a sigh, “And it’s not just because of me?”

“No Kell it’s not just about you god who knew you were so conceded.” Tobin jokingly scoffs.

“Shut up Tobs.” Kelley says laughing a little, “I’ll be at both weddings then.”

“You better be.” Tobin says lightly.

“Alright Ashlyn and Alex you can stop ease dropping and open the door.” Kelley states simply.

I open the door to see Tobin and Kelley hugging so I join in laughing at how Kelley always knows what I’m doing. Alex and Kelley hug tightly and I can feel the love and companionship between all of us. 

“So ready for this spontaneous wedding?” Kelley says excitedly for the first time.

“I’m in.” I respond matching her excitement.

“I’m in.” Tobin says her grin wide.

“I’m in.” Alex says smiling with happy tears in her eyes.

*

We ended up going to A Special Memory wedding chapel getting the ‘I do’ package. The limousine service came to pick us up from the hotel to bring us to the chapel. We are all dressed in the nicest clothes we bought. Once they knew it was an all-female wedding they gave us all rose bouquets but Tobin wanted a boutonniere. We even had a professional photographer taking pictures for us. There traditional wedding music begins to play and the bridesmaids start to walk down the aisle.

They all looked beautiful considering they are wearing dresses that were for the casino. Kelley looked radiant tonight in her dress with her hair flowing down her shoulders. Her sun kissed shoulders distracting enough until I looked at her eyes. They are sparkling with such light and enthusiasm for Alex and Tobin. Kelley was always so emotionally involved in everything that happened with our friends. It was one of the biggest reasons why I loved her.

Kelley and Alex were walking arm and arm together down the aisle. Alex had asked Kelley to give her away to Tobin tonight which made Kelley beam the whole time she got ready.

“Take care of my girl Tobin.” Kelley says hugging Tobin. She said it with so much conviction that I couldn’t help feel the seriousness behind Kelley handing her off.

Kelley knew that there was a chance she wouldn’t be at Alex’s wedding. So being able to give her away to Tobin now meant a lot more than a joke to her. Kelley meant it when she told Tobin to take care of Alex because Kelley knew soon she wouldn’t be there to be by her side. She knew that Alex would have to go to someone else and Kelley wanted that person to be Tobin.

“I always will I promise.” Tobin declares hugging Kelley tighter before letting her go and grabbing Alex’s hand.

The music begins to quiet down when the minister steps forward and begins to speak.

“Dearly Beloved; we are gathered her, in the presence of God and of this company, that these two individuals may be united in holy matrimony. We are here to celebrate and share in glorious act that God is about to perform – the act by which He converts their love for one another into the holy and sacred estate of marriage.” 

The minister continues his speech but I can hardly listen to what he is saying. My focus is on Kelley and the smile playing on her face. She looks breathtaking and I almost want to say that we should get married again. I am so in love with this girl standing across from me.

“It is time now to say your vows as I recite them to you.” The priest recites them their vows before they do it themselves.

"I, Tobin Powell Health take you, Alexandra Patricia Morgan, for my lawful slave driver,” Tobin states proudly causing us all to laugh, “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.” Tobin states proudly.

"I, Alexandra Patricia Morgan take you, Tobin Powell Heath, for my lawful pain in the ass,” Alex counters with a smirk, “ to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.”

“I proudly pronounce you, Wife and Wife.” The priest pronounces, “You may now kiss the bride.”

Tobin dips Alex dramatically before kissing her to seal their marriage. Everyone shouted and clapped and when I looked over at Kelley she looked happy but there was a sadness hidden underneath it. 

“I love you.” I mouthed to her.

“I love you.” She said as she approached me to give me a kiss.’

We spent another hour cutting cake and taking a ton of pictures. Alex even threw the bouquet which Sydney caught of course. I wink at Kristie and she blushes knowing my intention behind the wink.

“Alright I think another wedding is happening in a half hour so let’s get moving.” Tobin says slinging her arm around her new wife.

“Let’s gamble!” Sydney yells excitedly.

*

 

The Bellagio was lit up with yellow lights creating a calming but exciting glow. There were rows and rows of slot machines and tables with different games to play. The atmosphere was buzzing with the adrenaline of the gambling. People were happily chatting with others who were playing the games.

We all separated as we took our chances with luck to see if any of us could win. Sydney and Kristie headed towards the bar first while Heather joined in a game of black jack.

Kelley, Alex, Tobin, and I all headed to the slot machines to play some of them. Hours went by and the more and more we drank the more we wanted to gamble our money away. 

“Let’s try the Texas Hold ‘Em table.” Kelley yells over the loud noise.

“Do you even know how to play?” Tobin yells back.

“Of course she doesn’t!” Alex says exasperatedly, “We are not playing any table games.”

“You guys are no fun.” I say laughing.

“Guys HAO just won Black Jack! Five Thousand Dollars!” Sydney yells excitedly running up to us. 

“No way dude.” Tobin says slurring.

“Yeah she did and we’re celebrating so let’s go!” Kristie says running right up behind Sydney.

“How are we celebrating?” I ask curiously.

“Duh room service!” They both say like kids.

We all laugh hysterically thinking about how HAO just won a ton of money and we’re going to go spend it on room service in the hotel room. We all leave the Bellagio to head back to our hotel all laughing and singing along to the cabs radio. When we get back we all go to our room we plop down on the two beds and order a ton of room service.

We sat there and ate food for what seemed like hours and by the time we were done we were all sober.

“This vacation was amazing guys.” Sydney sighs as she continues to stroke Kristie’s hair while she lies on her lap.

“I loved every second of it.” Tobin smiles at everyone as she kisses Alex’s shoulder. “Especially getting married with all of our closest friends there.” 

“Oh my god you’re married.” Kelley says out loud like it’s just settling in.

“We are aren’t we?” Alex says leaning over and kissing Tobin again.

“You guys are all married and boring now what will Kristie and I do with ourselves!” Sydney exclaims dramatically.

“Oh you guys love it stop pretending you don’t.” Kelley says.

“Plus Syd you did catch the bouquet so you’ll be meeting someone soon.” I joke.

“Oh you are so right Ashlyn.” Sydney says distractedly.

I can see her look down at Kristie studying her face as her eyes are closed. Sydney is calm when it comes to Kristie like she somehow knows how to control Syd’s crazy mannerisms. Kristie is good for Sydney and I wish they would both stop being chickens about it. Sydney looks up and she notices my eyes on her. I give her a pointed look hoping she would know what I was thinking and she did because she looked away embarrassed. When she looked up again she gave a small shake of her head and I knew she was scared.

“What was everyone’s favorite part of the trip?” I ask wanting to break the tension that was stirring with Sydney.

“Getting married.” Alex says right away.

“Adventuredome.” Tobin says trying to hold in her laughter.

“Asshole.” Alex mutters to Tobin.

“I think all of it was amazing probably the Fremont street experience.” Kristie says.

“The alcohol.” Sydney says joking, “I’m kidding probably the strip.”

“I’d say winning $5,000 for sure.” Heather says happily.

“Spending time with you guys.” Kelley says simply and everyone smiles brightly at her.

“I would definitely agree with Kell.” I say pulling her close, “This vacation was exactly what we needed.”

Looking around at all the people here with me solidified what I said. We did need this because we all needed to feel the weight of the future disappear. We all needed to be spontaneous, carefree, and enjoy the present with each other. Tomorrow we will worry about the future but for tonight we will spend it enjoying each other’s company.


	6. Chapter 6

I feel the touch of her lips but I refuse to open my eyes still feeling the grogginess of sleep.

“Wake up babe.” She says softly.

“No.” I groan not wanting to start my day yet. “Just a couple more minutes please.”

“Get up!” Ashlyn laughs as I feel her weight on top of me.

I open one eye to see my beautiful wife sitting on top of me looking down at me. Her blonde hair is down creating almost a curtain for us. Ashlyn has always had gorgeous, silky hair but it’s rare for me to see it down. Her eyes are staring into mine and they’re a beautiful shade of hazel. They remind me of a calm forest filled with such depth and wonder. Her smile is wide showing her straightened teeth and that adorable dimple she gets when she smiles. 

“Can’t we just lie here for a bit longer?” I ask as I run my hands up her thighs.

“Don’t do that.” She smiles at me mischievously. “I’m not allowed to fraternize with the enemy.

“No? Are you sure?” I continue tempting her as I pull my shirt off to expose my bare torso.

“You’re relentless you know that?” Ashlyn says smiling into the kiss.

“It’s my game plan. I just want to distract you from today’s badminton tournament.” I return by kissing her neck.

“You’re succeeding.” She says as she pulls her shirt off and her hands start to explore my body.

“Don’t I always?” I smirk at her.

“Kell just shut up and kiss me.” Ashlyn commands and we spend the next hour getting lost in each other’s touch.

*

“Kelley you asshole!” Tobin yells as she looks up from her bagel.

“What did I do?” I ask confused.

“You know today is the tournament and you distracted my partner!” She argues. I look over to see Ashlyn who’s wearing a huge grin on her face that makes me smile in return.

“Oh I’m sorry Tobs I couldn’t help myself she’s just irresistible.” I say winking at Ashlyn before making myself some coffee.

“We made a deal dude.” Tobin huffs at Ashlyn.  
“Don’t mind her guys shes just mad because I wouldn’t cooperate with her own requests this morning.” Alex states as she walks into the room, smirking at Tobin.

“Alexandra, that’s enough.” Tobin exhales causing us all to laugh.

“Come on Tobs we gotta go set up the backyard for today while the girls go get the food for the barbecue.” Ashlyn says giving me a kiss before walking out back.

“Fine but let’s practice some too.” Tobin mopes as she follows Ashlyn outside to the shed. 

“They are so competitive.” I laugh.

“It’s ridiculous but we better win today.” Alex smiles at me.

“We always do.” I say confidently.

A sharp pain appears in my back causing me to suck in a painful breath before bending over. The pain radiates in my back and spreads to my sides and abdomen. The pain has been happening on and off the past couple of weeks since we got back from Las Vegas. 

“Kell are you okay?” Alex voice filled with worry.

“Yeah I’m fine I think I just overworked myself this morning.” I tried to laugh through the pain and I didn’t want Alex to worry.

“I did not need to know that.” Alex jokes but her eyes still look worried.

“Come on I’ll take this coffee to go and we can go to the grocery store.” I say standing up straight when the pain lessens.

*

Alex, HAO, Dave and I watch as Ashlyn and Tobin play against Sydney and Kristie in their second set of the game. Ash and Tobin won the first set but Sydney and Kristie are up the second set. They are in an intense battle but neither team is letting up until Ashlyn hits deep and Sydney misses it just before it hits the ground. The game ends in a 21-16 game with Ashlyn and Tobin coming out on top.

“You guys ready to lose this year?” Tobin says cockily as Alex and I step onto the court. 

“You say it every year and yet you never win.” Alex says confidently recounting the other years that they lost to them.

“You’re on guys. Let’s play we serve first.” Ashlyn says determined.

The first set Alex and I won 21-18 but Tobin and Ashlyn came back winning the second set 21-17. The sets were heated and both of our competitiveness came out this tournament. The girls and Dave watch closes as we battle back and forth trying to gain points. We’re in our third and final set to see who wins the entire tournament.

“Out.”Ashlyn calls when she misses the birdie that was sent over my Alex.

“Bullshit!” I yell not agreeing with her bogus call. “That’s bullshit Ashlyn.”

“No it’s not Kelley the ball is clearly out!” Ashlyn yells back as she stands up.

“Stop being a sore loser Ash. We’re up 15-11.” Alex says sternly.

“I call second opinion Dave can you help us out?” Tobin calls over.

Dave goes to get up after the other girls warn him it’s a trap but he’s use to all of us now to know he can handle the repercussion of his decision.

“It’s out.” He says sympathetically as he looks to where the birdie has fallen.

“Yes! Told you!”Ashlyn says excitingly high fiving Tobin.

“Just hurry up and serve.” Kelley says angrily.

We’re up 20-18 when Tobin hits a hard one straight down the middle but Alex recovers it but not fast enough to get back up in time for Ashlyn's hit. We continue to hit the shuttle back and forth trying to win the rally but luck isn’t on our side when I hit the shuttle out of the court. The score is now 20-21 and Tobin and Ashlyn up by one.

Ashlyn serves the shuttle to Alex and Alex slams it back but Tobin returns it easily. We continue to hit it back and forth but as I slam the shuttle over the net Ashlyn slips in the sand and it falls right next to her.

“Come on dude!” Tobin huffs out angrily.

“Shut up Tobin you fell earlier and I didn’t give you shit for it!” 

“Yeah but it wasn’t an important point.” Tobin argues making not of the 21-21 score now.

“Stop fighting and let’s play.” Alex says her confidence back.

Tobin hits the shuttle into the net giving us a 22-21 lead and it only takes a matter of time before we’re all making diving saves and hard returns knowing that Lex and I are one point away from winning. Tobin hits it hard and I barely make it in time to save the ball with a diving save. My stomach explodes in a sharp pain and I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I get up slowly in time to see Alex hit the shuttle hard into the far left side of the court and land right behind Ashlyn.

“We won!” Alex yells excitedly running up to me and picking me up.

“Thank god! I don’t know what I would’ve done if Ash and Tobin won.” Sydney says and we all know what she means. If they won no one would ever live it down.

“Whatever guys good game.” Tobin sulks at the loss.

“Yeah lucky shots.”Ashlyn mumbles.

“Don’t be sore losers you guys should be use to it by now.” Alex says as she puts me down.

“You okay Kelley?” Kristie asks. My face must’ve showed the pain I felt from the land during the game.

“Yeah just took a hard hit.” I reason.

“You sure babe?”Ashlyn asks concerned.

“Yeah babe I’m fine I really just hit too hard.” I smile at her not wanting her to worry. 

“Alright well how about we all go hang out on the patio while we get the food ready?” Ashlyn suggest to everyone who are sll hungry and in agreement. 

“Carry me?” I ask her tiredly.

“Of course.” She smiles lifting me gently up.

*

We all sat in our usual spots at the picnic table in our backyard celebrating out third annual badminton tournament.

“So next year I think we need to rally in some new teams.” Sydney exclaims, “Get some variety going. I’m sick of losing to the same people every year.”

“Agreed.” HAO says glaring at Dave who just shrugs exasperatedly.

“Sorry that you guys aren’t at our level.” Ashlyn says cockily.

“You mean second best?” Alex shuts her down.

“I think you’re all too competitive.” Kristie teases everyone.

“‘Sydney if you don’t get your shit together you’re walking home.’ Does that sound familiar Kristie?” I tease her remembering how mad she got at Sydney playing against us.

“I did not say that.” Kristie states back surprised.

“Yeah you did. You also told me you would pour all the alcohol down the sink at the apartment.” Sydney scoffs.

“Oops.” Kristie says embarrassed.

“No worries Kristie. One time Ashlyn slept on the couch for a week because she refused to admit I beat her in Candyland when we played with her nephew.” I recall.

“Ash is the biggest sore loser.” Tobin laughs.

“Shut up Tobin no I’m not!” Ashlyn raises her voice, “You and Alex are.”

“Yeah right Ashlyn have you ever seen you and Kelley lose at anything?”

“No because we’re awesome at everything!” Ashlyn counters back at Alex.

“Alright I think it’s time to get the dessert.” I announce loudly shutting everyone up.

I walk into the kitchen to get the ice cream from the freezer and the sundae stuff. I reach up in the counter to get the hot fudge but stop suddenly when the pain in my stomach comes back. I could tell something was wrong with me and despite the agony I was feeling I tried making my way outside to get Ashlyn.

I slowly walk outside feeling myself become dizzy and the pain wasn’t letting up.

“Kelley please tell Sydn-” Alex began but stopped short, “What’s wrong Kelley?”

“I think I need to call the doc-” I didn’t get to finish as everything became slow motion, the pain taking over, and my vision starting to blur. 

“Kelley.” I heard Ashlyn yell as everything went black.

*

My eyes felt heavy as I tried to open them the bright lights hurting them as my eyes tried to adjust. I heard the familiar beeping and wished I could fall back asleep not wanting to face reality.

“Kelley.” I heard her whisper. 

I turn my head to see Ashlyn sitting beside me her eyes bloodshot from the tears she must’ve cried. She looks scared, exhausted, and it was hard to see her like this again.

“Hey babe.” I said softly wanting to make her feel better.

“How are you feeling?” She asked her voice hoarse.

“Tired. How long have I been out?” I asked.

“Just a couple of hours. Tobin and Alex went to get some coffee but they will be here soon.”

“I’m sorry if I scared you.” I reach for her hand and she took it bringing it to her lips.

“I wish you told me you were in pain Kelley we could’ve come to get you checked out earlier.” She says looking down.

“I’m okay Ashlyn.” I respond knowing it wasn’t true.

“I’m going to go get Dr. Rampone she wants to do some tests.” Ashlyn says standing up to leave the room. 

“Don’t leave.” I whisper but Ashlyn is already out of the room.

*

“The cancer has completely spread to the liver and now the lungs. We want to do everything we can to help make you comfortable.” Dr. Rampone says sympathetically, “I know you didn’t want to do surgery or chemo but there are medications that can help with the discomfort you feel.”

“I don’t want to be drugged because that isn’t the life I want to live.” I say knowing that these options are not worth it.

“I understand but your liver is starting to fail and you’re going to get increasingly sick.” Dr. Rampone explained to me.

“I’m already sick Doctor we all know this I don’t want the medication.” I say sternly.

“Kelley why don’t you listen to what Dr. Rampone has to say before making decisions.” Ashlyn pleads with me.

“No I’ve already researched them and Dr. Rampone and I have already discussed all of this.” I say looking away from her, “I do not want to go on anything that will make me sleep all the time or make me out of it.”

“Why are you being so stubborn?” Ashlyn says angrily.

“I’m not being stubborn Ashlyn.” I say heatedly, “I researched and researched all of this stuff and it is nothing that I want to go on. Please just respect what I want.”

“What about what I want?” Ashlyn yells standing up.

“Ashlyn may I talk to you outside please?” Dr. Rampone ushers Ashlyn into the hall.

“Can you please do something about this?” Ashlyn asks desperately. 

“Kelley and I went over all of the possible treatments that we could offer but she has made her choice and that is something that has to be respected.” I hear Dr. Rampone say.

“She is choosing to die.” Ashlyn states emotionless.

“Many cancer patients don’t want to continue with treatment because they value their quality of life. Kelley doesn’t feel that being put on drugs is her quality of life. We can do everything we can to help Kelley but it’s up to her Ashlyn.”

“Okay.” I heard the defeat in Ashlyn’s voice.

“Let’s go back in there and discuss our options with Kelley.”

The problem was there was only one option, one that no one was truly ready to face. I didn’t want to live my life dealing with recovery, chemo, medication, or hospitals for that matter. If I was going to die then I was going to do it conscious and alive. No hospital is a place for someone to live and it wasn’t going to be me.

*

I woke up to Ashlyn, Alex, and Tobin’s voice but I kept my eyes closed. The argument with Ashlyn a couple days ago is still fresh in my mind and I just don’t have the energy to argue anymore.

“She doesn’t want to stay in the hospital but we agreed that she would for now until we figured out a plan.” Ashlyn sighs.

“Ash, Kell and I talked about this and she doesn’t want to stay in here.” Alex says softly, “She has to go home.”

“She can’t go home Alex.” Ashlyn argues.

“Dude I know this is hard on you and we’re by your side, both of your sides, but Kelley wants to come home so don’t you think it’s only fair that we bring her home.”

“And do what Tobin, watch her wither away?” Ashlyn's voice was malicious.

“Kelley is sick Ashlyn.” Alex says pointedly clearly annoyed by the way she was talking to them. “We will have to watch her either way but at least she will be with us and not stuck here.”

“She’s safe here. I don’t have it in me to ride in an ambulance again.” Ashlyn sniffs and I know she’s crying, “They can take care of her unlike the way I can.”

“What if we got someone to come to the house and check on her? You know like hospice or something.” 

“I can’t afford that I already looked into it.” Ashlyn whispers. I knew she didn’t want me in the hospital and that she would try to figure out other ways to get me home but anything along those lines is expensive.

“I’ll pay for it.” Alex states out loud.

“No you won’t.” I blurt out before scolding myself for letting them know I was awake and listening.

“Well Mrs. O’Hara never pegged you as an ease dropper.” I hear Ashlyn tease even with tears still evident in her eyes.

“I want to do this for you Kelley. If this is the only way I can help you then I’m going to and you do not have a say in it. I have money and it isn’t an issue.” Alex says standing up. “So pack your things we’re going home and we’re going to sit on our couch and watch Scandal got it?” 

I look at my three friends who are staring at me with such conviction and love that I know that I don’t have a say in this. I would never ask Alex to pay for something like this but I know that there is no saying no to her.

“Please take me home.” I say letting my voice crack.

*

It’s been two weeks and everyone has calmed down a little bit since my fainting incident. I officially quit my job and have been a complete bum the last week. Ashlyn took a leave of absence from work to look after me luckily her boss said she could do most of her work from home anyways. She helped manage a small business the last couple of years and is amazing at her job plus her boss loves her.

“Ashlyn do you think you can go to the store and pick up some stuff for lasagna?” I asked her as our show ended one the TV.

“Yeah babe of course I’m glad to see your appetites back.” 

“Will you invite the girls over too? I know Dave is out of town so call HAO, and then Syd, and Kristie as well please?”

“I’ll call right now.” She smiles as she kissed me on the forehead to go get ready to leave.

My appetite wasn’t back but there were things I had to do that Ashlyn just couldn’t be a part of. I want her to get out of the house anyways and I desperately needed a nap. Plus I’ve barely seen anyone besides Tobin and Alex so it’ll be nice to see them.

Ashlyn left the house happier than she has been in a few days. She has been absolutely amazing and I know she deserves a break from being cooped up. 

I pick up my phone and dial the number waiting for him to pick up.

“Hello?” I hear his familiar voice and I can’t help but smile.

“Hey Chris how ya been?” 

“Oh just dandy the wife is making me repaint the kitchen, again.” Chris lets out an annoyed sigh.

“Didn’t you just do that a couple of months ago.”

“Yes I did but gotta do what the slave driver says.” He states lightly. “How are you feeling Kelley?”

“Just tired really the doctor did put me on a pain medication so it’s been helping.”

“I’m glad to hear that I called a couple days ago but Ashlyn said you were with your nurse I’m glad you called. Where’s my goofball sister?”

“She is out getting stuff for lasagna we’re having the girls over for dinner tonight.” 

“That should be fun I’m glad you can still put up with all of them.” He laughs and I can’t help but smile.

“Listen Chris remember our conversation we had at the engagement party?” I ask softly.

“Yes I do.” He lets out a sad sigh. “Why?”

“Well I’m going to still need you to do that for me. Can you please?” 

“Of course Kelley I would do anything for you.” He says his voice full of sadness.

“I love you Chris thank you.” 

“I love you Kelley the whole family does.”

“Tell the little monster I said hello.” I say missing Ashlyn’s nephew.

“I will. Call me soon okay?” 

“I promise.” I say before hanging up the phone and moving on to the next phone call I had to make before Ashlyn got home.

*

When I wake up from my nap I leave my room and all I hear is excited commotion. Tobin is singing very off key while Ashlyn is spinning Alex around the kitchen dancing. I stand there for a moment to soak in everything that I’m seeing. Tobin is belting out some song on the radio, holding a wooden spoon up to her lips as Ashlyn dramatically dips Alex.

“What is going on in here?” I laugh staring at the absurdity of the scene playing before me.

“Care to join me in this dance?” Ashlyn says smiling as she pulls me into the kitchen swaying back and forth while Tobin and Alex sing to us.

“I love dancing with you.” I say smiling at her.

“And I love you.” Ashlyn says her happiness is contagious tonight and it makes me feel like everything is normal again.

“I love you.” She says kissing me lightly before lightly pushing me away to spin me.

The song comes to an end but Ashlyn doesn’t let go of me right away. She holds me staring into my eyes with such love that it makes me heart jump. Ashlyn and I’s relationship has always been strong and filled with so many emotions that I’m not surprised when I still feel nervous with excitement when I stare into her eyes.

“Are you guys going to do it?” Tobin says pulling us out of our moment, “Cause we kind of have to cook in here so maybe you could take it somewhere else.” 

“Shut up Tobin.” Ashlyn chuckles but doesn’t look away.

“No worries we have all tonight for that.” I wink at her right as that adorable dimple appears on her face.

“Don’t make me sick before I eat Kell.” Tobin smiles as she cracks eggs into the ricotta.

“Why don’t you and Alex play DJ while we get the food ready?” Ashlyn suggests.

“That I can do.” I say as I flip through the IPod.

*

The girls come over about an hour later all excited to be back together again. We sit down at the dinner table and the food smells amazing. Tobin and Ashlyn’s lasagna is always to die for especially when they cook their garlic bread with it.

“I’ve missed all of you guys.” I say as I shove lasagna into my mouth.

“We missed you Kelley.” Kristie smiles at me as she sips on her wine.

“Not me no I didn’t.” Sydney says pretending to not care.

“Well this was a much needed dinner I think especially when it involves their lasagna.” HAO says as she takes in a mouthful.

“I think after dinner we should all play a game.” Alex says excitedly.

“No!”

“Uh Pass.”

“No no no babe we shouldn’t.”

“I think it’s a great idea.” I chime in knowing Alex and I will be on the same team.

“I actually found a bunch of videos we have taken over the last four years that I think would be hilarious to watch.” Ashlyn says smiling at all of us.

“Dear God please no.” Sydney groans I don’t think I can handle watching myself.

“Why because you can’t remember half of the embarrassing stuff that you’ve done?” Kristie teases.

“Well lucky for all of you I have enough footage to remember every single moment.” Ashlyn says receiving a dirty look from Sydney.

After another half an hour eating and joking around I suggest that we should get dessert and head into the living room to watch the videos we have.

“Before we do that I have an announcement for all of you guys,” HAO says happily, “I’m pregnant.” 

“Holy shit!”

“Congratulations!”

“That’s great dude!”

“Seriously that’s awesome who is the father?” Sydney yells over everyone causing all of us to laugh.

I remain silent as I see everyone yelling in celebration. All of my friends have happy tears in their eyes and wide grins and I smile at Heather because I’m so happy for the next chapter of her and Dave’s life to start.

“Congratulations Heather.” I stand up to hug her everyone quiets down. I smile at her but her smile and eyes look sad.

“Thank you Kelley.” She says hugging me again and I realize why she looks upset. We all know that there is a high chance that I won’t be meeting her baby.

I look around and everyone seems to be in the same mood as Heather. I can’t stand to see the sadness in their eyes and to know that they’re thinking about me not being around.

“Do I need to slap the excitement into each of you because I will.” I say trying to ease up the room.

“She’s right guys! Heather is going to be a mom and that’s something to celebrate so let’s grab more wine, get the tiramisu, and watch Sydney make a fool of herself.” Ashlyn says excitedly and everyone else slowly pulls out of their thoughts and start to act excited again.

“I’ll get the dessert everyone go into the living room.” I order.

“I’ll help.” Heather smiles at me.

*

I can hear everyone in the living room laughing and joking with each other about the video playing on the screen but my mind is too distracted to want to join them. HAO and I have been working diligently on the dishes after we passed out the dessert. 

“Kell I want to talk to you about the news I gave everyone.” Heather says hesitantly.

“What about it HAO?” I try to smile but I know it’s a small one.

“I want you to know that it’s okay to be sad.” She says gently.

“I’m not sad HAO,” I say as I turn towards her, “I’m so happy for you and Dave.”

“It’s okay if you’re sad because I’m sad too.” Heather murmurs.

“I don’t want this to be something to be sad about.”

“I just want you to know that you will be a part of his or her life no matter what.” She says as she puts the cloth down and faces me, “You won’t miss out on anything.”

“I really wish I could be there for you and your growing family.” I say my voice shaky.

“You will be because they will hear all about how amazing their Aunt Kelley was and how she was the most free spirited person I have ever known. They will know how much she changed all of our lives.” Heather says her eyes filled with tears.

 

“Will you tell them that I love them because I know I will.” I say tears filling my own eyes.

“They will know because they will know how you loved every aspect of life.” Heather says hugging me tightly.

“I love you HAO. You’re going to be an amazing mom.” I say holding her as she cries into my shoulder.

“I love you Kelley.” She mumbles into my shirt.

“Don’t cry. There is no room for tears here right?” I say pulling her away and smiling at her, “Let’s go watch Sydney make a fool of herself okay?”

“Okay.” Heather sniffs as she wraps her arm around me and pulls me into the room.

When I walk in the room I see Ashlyn visibly stiffening sensing my emotions because Ashlyn always knows when I’m upset. She holds out her arms so I can sit on her lap as she wraps her arms securely around me, keeping me safe from these thoughts that won’t leave. 

“Don’t think about it babe.” She whispers to me as Alex’s drunken face pops up onto the screen.

“I can’t help it.” I whisper, “I’m sad.”

“I know you are, love. I wish I could make you feel better.” Ashlyn says kissing my shoulder.

“I can think of a few ways but it’ll have to wait until tonight.”

“That I have no problem doing.” She says smiling at me.

“Want to watch Alex and Tobin make fools of their drunken selves during spring break?” She suggests.

I nod turning my head to the TV as I watch a very drunk Tobin attempting to be a gymnast as Alex sings the national anthem. I try to get lost in the moments that we captured on tape but my mind is elsewhere. My mind is stuck on the inevitable that one day they will all have their own memories ones that I won’t be a part of.

*  
Ashlyn is sitting in bed when I come out of the bathroom and she has the expected look on her face telling me that she wants to talk about how I’m feeling.

“Babe can’t we just have sex instead?” I try to joke to persuade her to save this talk for another time.

“We can have all the sex you want after we talk about why you’re upset.” She says simply.

“Heather is pregnant.” I say letting my eyes fill with the emotion I was trying too hard to suppress. “Heather is pregnant and I’m not going to be able to meet her baby.”

“You know you will be a part of his or her life though.” She says patting the seat next to her but I remain standing. “Talk to me.”

“I’m going to miss out on Heathers baby, Alex and Tobin’s babies, Sydney and Kristie realizing they love each other more than friends, I’m going to miss out on everyone getting older and all of the things that will happen in their lives. It s terrifies me that I’m going to miss out on so much.” 

“You’re always going to be with us Kelley.” Ashlyn’s voice is strained.

“I’m going to miss out on your life. I can’t handle the thought of missing out on all the important things in your life.” I pour out letting all of my feelings go.

“You won’t be Kelley because you are the most important part of my life and you always will be.” 

“I know it may seem selfish but I don’t want to be left out or left behind.”

“Don’t say that Kelley please don’t say that. You will never be left behind because you are the biggest part of each of our lives.” Ashlyn says getting off the bed and standing in front of me. 

“I don’t want to become a memory.” I sob into Ashlyn’s shirt.

“You are anything but a memory to me.” Ashlyn’s voice breaks.

“But I need everyone to move on and that means moving forward without me.” I say through choked words, “It’s so surreal because I created this life for myself and I met these incredible people who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and now it’s all going to disappear.”

Ashlyn stood there holding me letting me pour myself out to her and her comfort alone kept me from continuing to spill my feelings.

“We have an amazing life together Ashlyn and the thought of leaving you is the most terrifying thing for me. I’m so scared because how can I leave you?”

“You won’t leave me because I won’t let you.” Her voice filled with sorrow.

“I can feel myself getting weaker Ashlyn.” I say truthfully. “I just want to make sure everyone is going to be okay when I leave.”

“No one will be okay because how can anyone be okay with losing someone they love. I can’t picture a life without you.” 

“I need you to be strong for me, to live your life fully, and to love effortlessly.” I state to her trying to will her to listen to me.

“I don’t think I can Kelley because you are the reason I am the way I am. I don’t know how to love a life without you in it.”

“Easy.” I say looking up at her, “You just have to love life enough for the both of us.”

“Kelley-” 

“Please Ashlyn.” I plead with her my eyes staring into hers intensely.

“Okay.”

“Promise me Ashlyn that even though you may lose sight of things that eventually you will live an extraordinary life for the both of us.” 

“I promise.” She kisses me over and over as our tears form into one.

*  
My body is tired and it aches a lot but today I feel a little stronger than usual. I wake up to the sun beaming in our windows and I feel more energized today. There is a note on the empty side next to me.

Good morning pretty girl,

I’m running some errands but if you need anything call me.  
Breakfast is warming in the oven and Jill is officially moved in so if you need her she’s around.

Love you,  
Ash

Ashlyn leaves a note for me every morning and I can’t help but smile every time. I stretch but hang in the room for a little so I wouldn’t have to see Jill right away. I didn’t mind the hospice lady who came to check on me but I felt watched like I was in captivity when she’s here. I walk out into the kitchen and open the fridge to see French toast, one of my favorite breakfasts that Ashlyn makes. I pour some tea and sit down to watch some TV when the front door opens.

“Good morning Kell.”

“Lex what are you doing home?” I asked curiously knowing she should be at work right now.

“Well I’ll be doing work here for a while.” She says as she sits down next to me. “What are you watching?” She asks as she picks a piece of my French toast off my plate and pops it into her mouth.

“I’m watching Dance Moms reruns and hands off.” I say swatting her hand as she goes in for another piece.

“Well why don’t you shower up and we can hang out for the day.” She smiles at me, “I think we need a girl’s day without our annoying wives.”

I know I haven’t seen any of my friends in a while because I’ve been so tired and when they’re getting home from work I’m falling asleep from being so tired. I’m on medication for the nausea and pain but they make me drowsy.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked excitedly.

“I was thinking some shopping and lunch.” She smiles knowingly at me.

“I’m in!” I say running off to shower.

The heat feels good against my body for some reason sleeping all the time makes my muscles really sore so the heat is welcoming. I hate that I’ve been so tired lately but I just can’t seem to help it. I’ve missed Alex so I can’t stop the excited feeling I have that we get to spend the day together. I miss being able to do things like this and I’ve been taking it easy for long enough. I need a day to just be myself and hang out with my best friend.

I feel like I’ve been in the shower too long as I start to feel dizzy probably from the heat. I feel myself become woozy as I turn off the water and stand there trying to regain my equilibrium. The edges of my vision become blurry and I can feel the darkness coming. 

Please don’t do this please. I repeat to myself as I slowly fall into the familiar darkness.

*

I wake up to the beeping sounds of the machine and I immediately curse out loud knowing I had passed out again. My mouth is dry, my head hurts, and my body aches more than usual. I open my eyes and Ashlyn is reading a magazine, Tobin is reading her bible, and Alex is resting her head on Tobin.

“Lex I’m sorry.” I try to say loudly but it comes out as a whisper.

“Kelley you’re awake.” Alex says rushing to my side tears falling. “I was so scared.”

“I don’t know what happened one minute I was fine then the next I was feeling dizzy.” I explained.

“I know I found you on the floor and-”She rushes through but cuts short, “-and I thought something bad was happening.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” I say grabbing her hand. “I wanted our day.” I say tearfully.

“I know just rest up and I’ll make it up to you.” She smiles down at me.

“Um the doctor wants to keep you over night for some observations but visiting hours are over so they have to head out.” Ashlyn says looking exhausted.

“I’ll be okay.” I say trying to sound confident, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Kell love you.” Alex says kissing me on the forehead.

“Love ya Kell.” Tobin says stiffly grabbing my hand to kiss it.

“I asked if I could stay with you so Rampone said I could.” Ashlyn says not meeting eye contact as she walks the other two out giving them both hugs.

She stands in the doorway for a while before turning around to face me. Her shoulders are slumped and the bags under her eyes are prominent. 

“Lay with me?” I ask her softly. She walks over to me and lays down curling into me as I wrap my arms around her. Ashlyn feels so small and fragile like this. 

“I was so scared when Alex called me.” She says tiredly and I can’t imagine how she was feeling.

“I’m sorry babe.” 

“It’s not your fault Kelley I just want you to feel better.”

“Oh Ash I feel fine I’m not in pain or anything except for the bruises I have from the fall.”

“I should’ve been home.” She states.

“You can’t always be there 24/7 Ashlyn its okay please don’t blame yourself. I’m fine.” I say feeling tired. “I just want to go home.”

“Tomorrow.”Ashlyn says as she yawns into me.

“Sleep beautiful.” I say as I kiss her forehead. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

*

After the hospital things dramatically got worse for me. I was weaker, more tired, I ached more, and I was having bladder trouble. It’s been several weeks and Jill has become a permanent attachment to my hip. Always taking blood pressures and helping me do things and I’m frustrated. I spend time with the girls but it’s mostly watching TV or playing half ass board games.

I turned to see another note next to my pillow and I sighed wishing I woke up to Ashlyn instead of a note.

Good morning to my beautiful wife,

Please shower and then come to the living room. There is a surprise waiting for you but not until you shower.

I love you,  
Ash

I showered quickly the curiosity getting the best of me as I threw my hair up and made my way out of the bedroom. Everything was quiet but as I walked to the living room I heard quiet chatter. When I walked into the opening I froze, I stood frozen in place as I recognized all of the people sitting with Ashlyn, Tobin, and Alex. 

“Good morning honey.” He says as he stands up opening his arms.

“Dad.” I breathe out as I race towards him, slamming into him as he engulfs me in a huge hug.

“What are you guys doing here?” I say exasperatedly as I hug my mom.

“Ashlyn called us and flew us out here to surprise you.” Erin says hugging me tightly.

“I’m so happy.” I choke out so happy at the surprise.

“Well I would hope so we did just fly across the country.” My brother teases as he pulls me in.

“We wanted to follow your uh wishes but Ash insisted that we come out.” My mom says giving me another hug, “I’ve missed you Kell.”

“I am so happy you’re all here. I’ve missed you all so much.”

“Well Ashlyn made us all breakfast so why don’t we all go sit down and eat.” My dad says smiling widely.

They all start to walk into the kitchen with Tobin and Alex but I grab Ashlyn’s arm before she can leave.

“Ashlyn.” I say filled with so many different emotions.

“Babe I know you said you didn’t want your parents to see you as your illness progressed but I had to have them come. They are your family and they need to be here.” She explains quickly.

“Thank you.” I say as I wrap my arms around her neck tightly.

“You’re welcome.” She says as she wraps her arms around me.

“How did you know?” I whisper into her ear.

“Know what?” She asks me.

“That I needed them.” I cry.

“Because I know you babe.” She smiles at me placing a kiss on my lips.

I join my family at the table just in time as Kristie, Sydney, and HAO all stroll into the front door. Everyone was together again and I felt more energized than I have in a long time. I’ve been feeling so cooped up and depressed but having everyone I love around me I couldn’t feel happier. 

I spend the entire day with everyone as we sit outside catching up and enjoying the time I have with everyone.

*

My parents have been here for almost a month now and having them here has made me feel safe again like I did as a little kid. But I’ve been making frequent trips to the hospital to be poked and probed to make sure I’m progressing along smoothly without anymore fainting incidences. As time goes on and the sicker I get I can’t help but feel the bitterness take over again.

I’m sitting on the patio when Alex walks outside and sits beside me. 

“Hey Kell how are you feeling?” She says quietly knowing that my appointment earlier today wasn’t how I would’ve liked it to been.

“Well I’ve lost five more pounds and my skin looks disgusting so I’m great.” I say bitterly.

“I think you look gorgeous.” She exclaims.

“You’re just saying that because you have to.”

“Kell, when have I ever lied to you about how you look?” She points out knowing that she would tell me if I looked like shit no matter what.

“True.”

“Listen there is something I want to show you so will you come with me?” Alex asks me.

“Lex I’m not really in the mood.”

“Meet me out front in five minutes got it?” She says sternly before getting up and going inside.

I do as she says and we drive for about a half an hour before we reach our destination. We’re at an old park that Alex and I use to hang out at when we first moved into our old apartment. 

“What are we doing here?” I questioned.

“We’re digging up the past.” Alex smiles as she grabs a shovel from the backseat. 

She starts to dig in the ground and I think that she’s absolutely lost her mind until she hits something with her shovel and pulls it out of the ground.

“Oh my god.” I say realizing what it was.

“I was wondering when you were going to remember.” She smiles at me pulling out the small box we buried here almost five years ago. Alex had gone through a really shitty break up and I decided that in order to cheer her up we were going to write letters to each other for inspiration. She pulls the letters out and I can’t even remember what we wrote on them. 

“I know we said we would come back here when we’re at our lowest points but I think now is the perfect time to do this.”

“I forgot about this.” I smile at her. “We wrote letters of inspiration to each other to read.”

“Do you want me to read the one I wrote for you?” 

“Of course.”

“Alright.” She says as she begins to read the letter out loud.

Kelley,

Besides my blood related family, you are the most important person in my life. You have been there for me for everything. You helped me to become a strong, independent, and free spirited girl instead of the scared little girl I use to be. You have continually inspired me to fight for what I want and to never settle for anything less than extraordinary. You taught me that everything in life is an adventure and to capture everything life hands me. You are the heart and soul of this friendship and I am lucky to be along for the ride in your crazy life. 

One of the most important things that you have taught me was that with every bad thing that happens in life something good can come of it. That I should never stop believing in the magic and wonder that this world has to offer us. There will be bad things that happen but if we continue to love life and treasure every moment then nothing will ever stay bad. You have implanted your outlook on life into me and I will forever be grateful for you. The friendship that you have shared with me will forever stay with me. 

I hope that when you read this that you realize how much you have inspired me to look for the good in everything. I hope if life has dragged you down to your lowest point that you look for the extraordinary and that you thrive no matter the difficulties you are facing in life. 

Live the life you imagined and settle for nothing else.

Love your best friend,

Alexandra Morgan

Her words ripped through me, igniting every fiber inside of me. Her words resounded inside of me that I was speechless. I have been so angry for what has happened to me that I stopped living my life like I should. I can’t be angry or regretful because that isn’t the life I ever planned to live.

“Thank you.” I say pushing myself into her squeezing her tightly. “Thank you so much.”

“Just live the life you imagined.” Alex whispers fiercely to me. 

*

Reading Alex’s letter a couple of days ago gave me my perspective back on being sick. There is always a reason as to why bad things happen but we don’t always have the answers to that. My main concern now is to make sure that everyone will be okay once I am gone. 

I wake up pretty early today considering how exhausted I am but I force myself to get up and to spend time with my family. When I walk out into the hallway I hear two people talking in the kitchen.

“Tobin you’re being irrational don’t get upset with Alex because she told me.” Ashlyn exhales, “We’re just worried about you.”

“You don’t have to be.” Tobin’s response is short that’s filled with anger.

“You’re trying to tell me that you don’t have your faith anymore and I’m supposed to not worry?”

“Who cares if I don’t want God in my life anymore?”

“All of us.” 

“Yeah well you shouldn’t because what has he done for us?” She asks bitterly. “And don’t even try to tell me he has a plan for Kelley because that’s bullshit.” 

I hear Tobin storm down the hallway and slam the door behind her. I had no clue Tobin felt this way she’s been so silent lately I guess I just never noticed. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t believe in God and that she feels bitterness towards him because of me. 

“Good morning.” I say softly as I enter the kitchen.

“Hey beautiful how’d you sleep?” Ashlyn says kissing me.

“Off and on.”

“Are you hungry?”

“No not really?”

“What’s wrong?” 

“Since when did Tobin start hating God?” I whisper to Ashlyn feeling sadder about this than I thought I would. I have always been religious but not in the way Tobin was. Tobin had always relied on her faith no matter what and hearing that she no longer loved God is a tragedy in itself.

“I guess for a while now but Alex just recently told me.” Ashlyn clears her throat. “She’s been having a hard time.”

“I’m going to go shower and get ready will you tell her to come see me when she gets back?”

“Of course babe.” She agrees giving me a peck, “Wanna watch a movie later?”

“Only if I can pick.” I wink at her as I walk down the hall.

*

A couple hours later I’m woken up from sleep when I hear a knock on the door.

“Come in.” 

“Hey Kell. How’s it going?” Tobin says avoiding my gaze.

“Help me up Tobs I want to get ice cream.” I say smiling at her.

“Uh okay.” Tobin smiles lightly at me but it’s not the usual grin that’s always present on her face.

A couple minutes later we get our ice cream but I only push it around in the bowl. My stomach is a little too sensitive for any sugary foods right now and I have enough trouble with my bladder as it is.

I instruct Tobin to drive us up through the mountains because it’s a gorgeous day out and I want to go to our old lookout point.

“It’s so beautiful up here isn’t it?” I ask admiring the view.

“Yeah it’s pretty sick Kell.” Tobin says distractedly.

“You know Tobin this view always reminded me of you specifically you wanna know why?”

“Why?”

“Remember when I wanted to move back to Georgia for a job opportunity? Ashlyn and I got into a fight and we avoided talking about it. You brought me up here one day, told me to close my eyes, and picture a place then asked me what I saw. When I told you what I saw you told me I had found my answer. You were always the one to make me see things that no one else could make me see.”

“That’s why this place reminds you of me?”

“It reminds me of you because of your faith. Because looking out to see all the lives below us living all these different lives just puts things into perspective for me. It gives me hope that there are greater things to life than our problems. I mean look at this view and how amazing it is, it just gives me that extra push to know things are going to be okay. You have always been that person for me to help me realize that no matter what things are going to be okay as long as I have something to believe in.” I say looking over at her to see her face clouded with doubt. “You’re my lookout point you are the person who gives everyone the right perspective because you have always had your unwavering faith.”

“I don’t think I have that anymore Kell.” She says sadly.

“And whys that Tobin?” I press.

“Because you’re going to die.” She says bluntly, “You are this incredible person but you’re sick and you’re going to leave us and what happens after you leave? None of us are ever going to be able to cope with it. If God really loved me and was there for me then he wouldn’t take away one of the most important people in my life.”

“Tobin everyone is going to die but my time is just coming sooner than everyone else’s.”

“It’s not fair.”

“When has life ever been fair and when has that ever stopped you from having a relationship with God?” 

“That was before he was trying to steal one of my best friends from me.”

“If you truly believe that there is no God or Heaven after death than you think that I’m screwed once I die. Is that what you’re saying Tobin?” 

“I believe in God and the afterlife he offers us but I hate him.”

“Then you know I’m going to be okay when I die. That I’m going to be in Heaven, I won’t be sick anymore, I’ll be safe, and I’ll be happy. If anything he is saving me.”

“He did this to you he isn’t saving you.”

“You know I thought that for a long time too but God didn’t make me sick Tobin. My body did and I didn’t catch it in time to fix it. That’s my biggest regret that I could’ve stopped it but God didn’t make me sick and that’s what I need you to realize. I am happy with my life and I will be after it ends.”

“I know but we won’t be happy. Alex, Ash, and everyone we aren’t going to be happy and I’m scared.”

“You know Tobs so am I.” I say pulling her into me, “I want you guys to be happy and I’m afraid that I’m going to take everyone’s happiness with me when I go. I don’t want that and I know you guys are all strong enough to continue to live your lives.”

“How Kelley? How do we live these lives when you’re not in it?”

“If you can’t live your lives for yourselves then I would hope you live your lives for me. I want you and Alex to have beautiful babies and to live in complete happiness, I want Ashlyn to move forward in her career, to find love, and to have a gorgeous family, and I want our friends to all find love and happiness as well.”

“Ashlyn won’t come out of this.” Tobin’s voice is filled with grief.

“Yes she will because you will be there for her every step of the way.”

“What will I be able to do for her Kelley?” 

“You’ll give her perspective because you are the strongest one out of all of us and you will lead the way.” I say confidently.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because unlike one of us I have faith and I have enough faith in you to know that you will help everyone move on even when it seems impossible.”

“What will I do without you?” 

“Seriously though once I go you’ll all be a little less cool.” I try to joke and I get a small smile from her. 

“I’m scared for Alex and Ashlyn.” Tobin admits.

“I know me too but that’s why I want you to promise me that you won’t lose sight of God and that no matter what you will use your faith that I know you will find again and you will help them find their own. Promise me.” 

“I promise Kell.”

*

As the weeks continue I become the weaker and weaker I’ve felt but over the last week or two something in my body has changed. It’s an unexplainable thing but it’s like my body is numb. It’s hard for me to try and walk my muscles are so weak. Sleep has become the only activity that I really do anymore. 

Ashlyn is sound asleep next to me and I have an urge that I haven’t had in almost a month now. I want to feel something other than my body slowly drifting away. I want to feel the spark of her touch and the warmth of her body pressed against mine.

“Ashlyn.” I whisper rubbing my hand along her back as she stirs. “Babe wake up.”

“What’s wrong babe?” She asks me startled.

“I need to feel something I don’t want to be numb.”

“What do you mean?” She asks groggily.

“I need to feel you.” I say softly.

“You want to have sex?”

“Yes.” I say kissing her as hard as I can on the mouth. Ashlyn doesn’t skip a beat as she pushes me down lightly, her top half hovering over mine as she kisses me back.

Her hands room freely like they always have but the absence I’ve felt from this is leaving a welcomed heat in their wake. She undresses me slowly, taking her time like it’s the first time all over again. There is a hesitation to her movements that leave me breathless. 

“Touch me Ashlyn.” I ask her but she’s slow to respond.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t.” I say leading her hand down.

She rubs slow creating an agonizingly thrilling feeling that runs deep within me and radiates through my limbs. Our kiss gets lost in eachother touches and I feel Ashlyn respond when my hand finds her. We become in sync with our motions our bodies responding as one. 

Ashlyn continues further as she pushes a finger inside of me. A moan escapes into the air but I couldn’t even recognize it as my own. Ashlyn continues to bring me up, to help me feel more than I have in a long time, it’s overwhelming but I welcome the awareness that’s shooting through me. She adds another finger and I feel myself getting lost in the moment.

“Gentle.” I breathe out feeling the tenderness turn into a slight pain but as she slows her movement the coursing pleasure presents itself once more.

My back arches as my muscle tighten and I don’t realize until our kiss breaks that Ashlyn is breathing just as hard as we come undone together. Ashlyn’s lips are grazing mine as our breathing becomes short gasps and our muscles contract under the sensations coursing through us.

“Thank you.” I breathe out happily.

“We’re not done yet, love.” She whispers seductively and I can’t remember the last time my skin tingled with excitement.

*  
After a visit with Dr. Rampone I was put on a heart monitor, an IV drip, and oxygen. I’m now frail, the glow I once felt gone, the beauty I use to feel gone, my body has a mind of its own now, and I just wait day in and day out for relief. 

I was fortunate enough for Jill now who took care of everything that I didn’t want Ashlyn to take care of. I didn’t want Ashlyn to take me to the bathroom or bathe me anymore because despite everything I still wanted her to look at me like I was beautiful.

“Hey pretty girl.” Ashlyn says quietly as she kisses me on the lips.

“Ash I want to see everyone today will you call them?” My voice is weak.

“Yeah I’ll call everyone they will love to see you.” Ashlyn goes to leave the room but turns around to look at me again, “Kelley…”

“It’s okay Ashlyn I just want to speak with them.” 

“Okay.” She says as she exhales shakily.

It’s time to start saying my goodbyes.

*

“Hey girlfriend.” Sydney says smiling down at me.

“Hey Sydney you look hot today.” I joke with her.

“Yeah well just wanted to look good for you, you know how it is.” She says sitting down grabbing my hand.

“You always did know how to get an entire rooms attention.” I gently squeeze her hand. “I hope you always keep that spark about you.” 

“Please tell me this isn’t a goodbye speech.” Sydney says sadly.

“I just want to say a few things to you that’s all.” Sydney inhales deeply before nodding her head for me to continue. “You know the first night I met you, you were completely drunk and pretending to be little mermaid. I remember talking to Ashlyn a couple days later and she said you were the most eccentric person she knows. She was right but you bring the best energy into every situation and I hope you keep that with you. You’re such a strong person so please continue to protect our family. I know if they are in your hands nothing will go wrong.”

“Giving me responsibility are you nuts?” She says lightly but her voice is strained with sadness.

“I know you’ll rise to the occasion when needed.” I laugh quietly, “Keep everyone on their toes because without me they’re going to be a bunch of bores.” 

“We are the life of the party.” 

“Don’t forget that.”

“I could never.” She says tearfully.

“Do you think you can send Kristie in I don’t want my meds to kick in before I have a chance to talk to everyone.” 

“Yeah of course.” Sydney stands up hugging me tightly. “I love you so much.”

“I love you Sydney.” I kiss her on the forehead before she walks to the door with one last smile and calls in Kristie.

“Hey Kris.” 

“Hey Kelley, how are you feeling?”

“Exhausted but hanging in there for now. Come sit and talk with me.” I say pointing to the chair next to me.

“You know the first time I met you I was so intimidated by you but then you came to Ashlyn and Tobin’s barbeque and you came over to me and told me that I had an amazing aura.” Kristie laughs at the memory, “You were really into that stuff then and I remember thinking how exciting you were and refreshing for our group. I wasn’t surprised that you easily molded in and have been the core of us ever since.”

“Yeah I’m pretty awesome like that.” I tease.

“I’ve always envied how easy it was for you to just be yourself. You were always an open book and I have always aimed to be like that.”

“You know Kristie you don’t have to hide who you are or how you feel. You can be just as open you just have to let yourself be.”

“I hope one day I can be.”

“Take care of everyone for me please.” I clear my throat, “I need your compassion to help everyone get through grieving. Help hold everyone together.”

“I will try Kelley.”

“I know you will Kristie because your concern for people is what makes you such an amazing friend.”

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Her voice breaks and her tears fall.

“I’m not going anymore remember that.” I say grabbing her hand. “I love you Mewie.”

“I love you Kell.” She sniffs before standing to give me a tight hug kissing me on the cheek.

“Kristie?” I say as she’s about to leave, “Take care of my girl Syd okay? Be fearless.” 

She nods at me with a smile before exiting through the door.

“Hey girl hey.” Heather says quietly as she walks in.

“Hey there pretty lady thank you for coming.”

“You know I always will.” HAO says trying to sound happy.

“Yes you have always been a loyal friend. All these years you’ve put up with all of our bullshit with a complete smile on your face. You have such a kind soul.”

“So do you Kelley.” Heather smiles. “You have the heart of a child, innocent and full of love.”

“I hope that you pass that down to your baby for me.”

“Of course I will.” Heather tries to contain her composure.

“I mean it; do not let Tobin, Ashlyn, Sydney, Alex, or Kristie teach your child any of their ways! We don’t need a trouble maker in the family.” 

“I’m going to have to hire a babysitter just to make sure they never have too much alone time with the baby.” Heather teases.

“Seriously watch out!” I laugh weakly before continuing. “They will be amazing aunts for your child. I’m happy to know that they will be there for you and Dave.”

“Our family will always be missing one thing though.” She grabs my hand in between hers.

“But you see you won’t because your baby can take my place and fill everyone’s lives with so much love. They will be such a blessing.”

“If my child was half the person you are than I would be happy.” 

“Thank you HAO for marrying Ashlyn and I. I never thanked you enough for that but thank you for doing everything possible for all of us. You’re an amazing friend.”

“I learn it from the best.” She smiles sadly at me.

“Take care of everyone okay?” I squeeze her hand tightly.

“I will.” 

“I love you Heather. Tell Dave I love him too.”

“He loves you and so I do.” She stands up knowing our time is up, “I love you.”

I kiss her hand before she pulls it away as she exits the door. My heart feels heavy with exhaustion and I feel it creeping over me but before I let myself go I have to make a quick phone call to say goodbye.

*

I wake up to the TV playing in front of me and mean girls menu is replaying on the TV.

“It’s about time you woke up.” I hear Ashlyn say happily sitting next to me on my left.

“Seriously I don’t think I could listen to this music continue to play.” Alex chimes in on my right and Tobin laughing next to her.

“Movie night?” I ask happily.

“You know it girlfriend.” Tobin says smiling.

“So we’re watching Mean Girls and then please tell me Wedding Crashers?” I say excitedly.

Ashlyn smiles up at me as she holds the Wedding Crashers case in front of me. Then to top it all off she lifts up a bowl of my favorite ice cream.

“What kind of movie night would it be without ice cream?” She says proudly.

“It wouldn’t be an official movie night.” I say as I put a mouthful of ice cream into my mouth. I know I shouldn’t be eating this type of food but I know my time is coming to an end and I would be damned if I didn’t spend it how I wanted.

We spend the night watching movies and laughing with each other and I try my hardest to stay awake for as long as possible. I know that this will probably be one of the last nights I will have with these amazing people sitting next to me.

“Guys thank you.”

“You’re welcome Kell.” Alex says cheerfully.

“I want you all to know that having you guys in my life, all these years is what has givesn me my peace of mind.”

“Kelley please don’t-” Alex starts but I put up my hand.

“Alex hush your face.” I say before continuing. “I need you guys to realize that I’m going to be okay and I know that because of you guys.”

“Our time with you is too short.” Tobin says sadly. “I thought we would all grow old together.”

“Old please Tobin I wouldn’t look good in wrinkles anyways.” I try to lighten the mood.

“This is unfair.” Alex says angrily.

“I lived my life exactly the way I had imagined.” I smile at Alex, “Now you have to.”

“Kelley I’m not saying goodbye to you.” Alex says fiercely, eyes covered in tears.

“You have to Alex.” I say looking into her eyes wanting her to accept the inevitable. 

“We aren’t saying goodbye to you Kelley because even if you aren’t physically here, you will always be with us, everywhere, you have imbedded yourself into our lives permanently, whether we wanted you to or not.” Tobin says lightheartedly.

“You better Heath. You know you guys are my three most favorite people on this entire planet right?” I ask them.

“And you’re ours.” Alex says tearfully. “You’re my favorite person, you’re my best friend, I love you Kelley.” She says pulling me closely.

“I love you Alex Morgan.” I say as my own eyes fill with sadness, “You will always be my best friend.”

All of a sudden Tobin is on top of both of us with tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I love all of you so much.”She says but we can’t help but laugh a little as her weight presses into us, “You guys are my family.”

“We will always be a family, all four of us, we’re all in this together, everyday, forever.” Ashlyn says as she joins are dog pile of a hug.

“I love you bitches.” I say jokingly.

“I love you.”

“I love all of you.”

“I love you Kelley.” Tobin says planting a wet kiss on my forehead.

“I’ll always be here.” I say as well all settle into a comfortable embrace, all of us touching, comforting each other somehow, “I may not be here physically but I will be here, I want all of you to go on trips, to experience new places and people, I want you to take moments and cherish them, I want you to be there for each other every day, I want you to love fully, and live the lives you imagine for yourselves. Got it?”

“I’m in.” Ashlyn says it firmly.

“I’m in” Alex says tearfully but smiling at all of us.

“I’m in.” Tobin says squeezing my hand.

“I’m in.” I whisper looking at each of them in the eyes.

*

I wake up and its 5:43 on the alarm clock, I breathe in but its shallow and my body feels detached almost. I look to my left to see Ashlyn sound asleep next to me. I feel something shift inside of me and it forces me to place my hand on her arm and shake her awake.

“Ashlyn wake up.” I say easing her awake. “Take me to the beach please.”

Ashlyn wakes up and I know she can feel that something is happening because she knows me. She puts on a sweatshirt over her UNC tee shirt and she helps me out of bed putting a sweatshirt on me before grabbing a blanket and picking me up to take me to our spot.

She puts me down slowly before setting the blanket down and sitting on top and pulling me down. She wraps her arms securely around me like she’s trying to keep me safe from anything dangerous.

“I miss watching the sun rise.” I say knowing it will be rising soon.

“Watching the sun rise is one of my favorite things to do with you.” She says softly, “Watching the colors change into the sky, promising a new day, sitting with the girl I’m going to spend my future loving, it’s perfect every single time.” 

“I’m glad I get to share it with you.” I say tired feeling my body begin to calm, “I’m so lucky to have found you Ashlyn.”

“No babe I’m lucky that I stumbled into this extraordinary life with you and that I got to experience the rarest kind of love with you.” She says choking back the tears.

“You’re still my future Ashlyn O’Hara.” I say promising.

“You’re forever my past, my present, and my future.” She says sincerely. “This love is infinite.”

“I’m tired Ashlyn.” I say as my eyelids begin to droop, my heart slowing its pace.

“I know babe just a few minutes longer the sun will be rising soon.” She says rocking me softly. “Just hang on with me.”

“Don’t be afraid Ashlyn.” I say staring up into her eyes knowing it will be for the last time. Ashlyn has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen and if I were to leave this is how I’d want it to be.

“I’m trying Kelley I really am.” She says crying.

“I can feel myself going Ashlyn is that weird?” I say stroking her cheek, “I don’t want to leave you if you’re scared.”

“How do you tell the person you love goodbye?” She whispers pulling me closer.

“You don’t say goodbye remember?” I smile at her, “I will be with you always okay, please don’t ever say goodbye.”

“I won’t.”

“Tell my family I love them. I know I already did before they left but tell them again and please continue to tell them.” 

“I will babe I promise.” She says sniffling, “I love your family.”

“You’re so beautiful Ashlyn how can I leave you?” I ask tiredly. 

“It’s okay, love, you can go now.” She whimpers out, “You can rest now Kelley.”

“Will you promise me something?” I ask earnestly knowing my time is coming to an end.

“Anything.” She promises.

“Carry me?” I whisper as I bring my hand down to her heart placing my hand firmly there.

“Every day.” She sobs grabbing my hand into hers and kissing me hard on the mouth. It was an everlasting kiss one that shakes you to the core. But it was a comforting kiss, one that finally allows me to truly let go. I have been holding on for so long fighting to make sure everyone would be okay but now I can completely let myself rest.

“I love you.” I whisper as the tiredness starts to engulf me as my eyes start to close.

“I love you Kelley Maureen O’Hara.” She says it strongly, passionately, fiercely, and I feel so safe in this moment.

“Always?”

“Always.” She says kissing my forehead but this time instead of seeing darkness all I see is light.


	7. Chapter 7

“Ashlyn if you touch me I will kill you.” Kelley yells happily as she dodges my grasp.

“Come on babe don’t you want a hug?” I smile mischievously. “You’re breaking my heart.”

“I’m going to be breaking a lot more than that if you don’t wash that paint off of your hands.” She warns teasingly backing away from me.

She wasn’t fast enough this time and I manage to grab her wrist pulling her close to me. I grab her face with my painted hands giving her a deep kiss before pulling away laughing.

“See that’s all I wanted.” I smile widely at her paint covered cheeks.

“You’re going to regret that.” Kelley warns as she dips her hand into the paint and slaps me hard on the butt.

“It’s on.” I yell as we run around our new living room trying to touch each other with painted hands.

We lie on the wooden floor, out of breath, and covered with paint that should’ve been on the walls by now. I turn to her smiling as she takes a deep breath in trying to catch her breath.

“We did an awful job at painting our new living room Ash.” Kelley points out.

“I know but it can wait till tomorrow.” I stand up and reach down to pull her up with me. “I think everyone will understand when they come tomorrow that our house won’t be ready for our house warming party.”

“Shower?” Kelley asks me suggestively.

“Yeah I think it’s time we start breaking in the rooms.” I wink at her as I playfully pick her up and lead her into our bathroom.

*

The memory of Kelley and I first moving into this house replays in my head over and over. The video tape of our first party is playing in the background of my room haunting me of what I had lost.

My door opens, the small shred of light seeping through is already too much for my eyes.

“Ashlyn.” Tobin whispers my name softly, sadness still filled in her voice.

“What is it?” I ask wanting to return to the peace and quiet.

“We can’t sleep…” Alex quietly mumbles, the vacancy in her voice causes something inside of me to twist.

I look up to see my two friends, standing in the doorway, shoulders slumped and pain etched in their faces. Kelley’s funeral was only a couple of days ago, I went through the motions with a dull ache and numbness. Everything that happened after Kelley died in my arms that morning seemed to be erased from my memory. All I remember is the sound Alex made when she found us on the beach, the way Tobin was at my side helping me lift Kelley, Tobin calling an ambulance, and then holding me. I remember screaming but once the tears blurred my eyes everything seems to be blank.

And now here I am, a widow, refusing to leave my bedroom, and help my heartbroken friends. Replaying old memories inside my head from when Kelley was still here with me. The pain starts to reappear in my chest but I try hard to push it away.

“Come in.” I tell them and they don’t hesitate to crawl in on each side of me wrapping their arms around me.

“I can’t breathe.” Alex says crying into my shirt, shaking.

I know how she feels, the suffocating feeling that never seems to leave even trying to control your breathing it always feels like there isn’t enough air. I don’t know how I’m going to survive, how any of us are going to survive this.

*

“I don’t want to go to fucking church Alex!” I hear Tobin screaming in their bedroom.

“Tobin we have to go.” Alex pleads.

“I haven’t gone in a month and I sure as hell do not need to go now.” Tobin screams and I’ve never heard her like this.

“Please Tobin.” Alex cries, “I need you.”

I can’t handle how broken Alex sounds and how distant Tobin seems. I pause the video, get out of bed, and walk to their bedroom in time to hear Tobin punch the wall.

“I’ll go.” I say not recognizing my own voice. Alex and Tobin turn to me like they just got caught doing something bad. Alex looks absolutely shocked while Tobin stares back at me with guilty eyes.

“I can’t do it Ash I can’t.” Tobin begs me to understand. They both look so fragile I feel desperate to try and help them.

“It’s okay go call HAO and have her come over please.” I say monotone, “Lex shower and we will go to church okay?”

“Okay.” They both say in unison.

*

“Heavenly Father we are here today to thank you for your merciful forgiveness and the endless love you bestow upon us.” The preacher continues but my mind can’t focus on his words. Heather came over to watch over Tobin while I brought Alex here. Heather also looked exhausted with emotion and we’re all just hanging by a thread.

Just breathe Ashlyn. I repeat to myself because I just want to try and be strong for Alex right now because she is barely hanging on.

My emotions shut off about a month after Kelley’s death but everyone else seems to be breaking more and more.

“Just breathe.” I say out loud for Alex but more for myself. She looks at me inhaling deeply and exhaling as she tries to calm herself.

“I miss her.” Alex whispers to me but I’m not sure if she means Kelley or Tobin.

“Tobin will come around.” I say not wanting to talk about Kelley. Alex turns her head quickly scanning my eyes trying to find something that’s no longer there. She nods her head accepting my response.

“I need her Ashlyn.” Alex’s voice is filled with despair. “She isn’t the same person.”

“I don’t think anyone is Alex.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder in comfort.

“I feel like we all died too.” She sniffs, “Is that selfish to say?”

“Right now, no.” I agree with Alex that there is something broken inside of me, something that makes me feel like I died a month ago too.

“I need ice cream.” She says next and I feel my lips turn in a way they haven’t in months. It’s unfamiliar to me and my muscles ache against the foreign movement.

“We can do that.”

*

We get home to find Heather sitting on the couch with Tobin’s head rested on her lap sleeping. There is a box of tissues with used ones scattered at their feet. Heather looks lost in thought until she notices us standing there.

We stand there and Alex gives her a confused look as to what’s going on and Heather slowly gets up trying not to wake Tobin.

“When I got here she was crying on the couch.”

“Do you know why?” Alex asks concerned etched in her face.

“She just told me she didn’t understand and that she feels lost.”

“How long as she been out?”

“Probably thirty minutes I think her crying tired her out.” HAO sighs heavily, “I think Tobin doesn’t know how to cope with everything.”

“Because she doesn’t have God to turn to.” I know that’s why because Tobin always had her faith when things got bad and now she has nothing.

“She has us though.” Alex says desperately wanting to help Tobin.

“It’s hard to find comfort in someone when they are just as lost as you are.” Heather stares at Tobin speaking what we all are thinking.

“None of us are suitable to take care of each other.” I turn to go into the kitchen to start scooping ice cream into bowls.

*

“What do you mean you don’t know where Sydney is?” I ask Kristie. Its 2:37 in the morning and Kristie had woken me up from sleep panicking about Sydney. I haven’t heard from Kristie or Sydney in a long time.

“She goes out every night but will never tell me where she’s going.” Kristie’s breath catches, “She always comes home but tonight she didn’t.”

“I’m sure she is fine Kristie.” I reason with her.

“No Ashlyn she’s not fucking fine.” Kristie’s voice has an edge to it, one that I’ve never heard before, “She isn’t fine.”

“Okay okay I’ll come get you just let me wake up Tobin and Alex so they can help.”

“Thank you.” Kristie says before hanging up.

I get up throw on a hoodie and head into Tobin’s room to find only Tobin in bed. I shake her awake as she swats at me.

“Tobin get up its important.” I raise my voice.

“What is it Ash?” Tobin says frantically. “Is she okay?”

“Is who okay?”

“Kel-”

“No Tobin.” I say not letting her finish her name knowing she must’ve been dreaming about her, “Sydney is missing we got to go look for her.”

“Seriously what happened?” Tobin says more awake now as she stands up to get dressed.

“She’s been going out every night and didn’t come home tonight.” I say impatiently as she gets dress, “Kristie is worried.”

“Let’s go.”

“Where’s Alex?”

“She has a hard time sleeping at night so she’s either in the living room or on the patio.” Tobin sighs.

I find Alex on the patio with a glass of wine as she flips through an old worn book. The patio is dimly lit by a torch we use in the backyard and a bunch of candles she lit.

“Hey Lex.” I say softly, “What are you doing?”

“Reading my journal.” She says engulfed in the handwritten words, “We use to write in these all the time but I seem to have stopped just light reading I guess.”

“Lex, Kristie is really worried about Sydney.” I say guiltily for interrupting her, “Do you want to come with us?”

“Yeah of course.” Alex nervously gathers her stuff and starts blowing out the candles. “What happened?”

“I’ll fill you in lets just get moving.”

*

We drive around for about an hour before we find Sydney passed out, outside on a bench of a local bar.

“There she is.” Kristie points out as she recognizes the shadowed figure.

When we approach Syd her hair is a complete mess, her dress is wrinkled, and her makeup is smudged everywhere.

“Sydney.” I say softly shaking her gently. “Sydney wake up.”

“Ash- Ashlyn?” Sydney says when she finally becomes conscious.

“Hey there, what are you doing out here?”

“They kicked me out of the bar and I didn’t know where to go.” Sydney confesses.

“Why didn’t you come home?” I asked her as she glares at Kristie.

“I don’t have a home anymore.”

“What does she mean by that?” I ask Kristie who has tears in her eyes.

“She’s having a hard time coping just like everyone else but she says she has no one to go to like she did.” Kristie breathes in, “She says we aren’t a family anymore.”

Ever since Kelley passed away none of us have really been able to cope very well. It has put a strain on the close bond that we once had and I didn’t know Sydney was taking it so hard.

“Come on let’s get you up and back to your place.” I say helping Sydney stand up.

“I miss us.” Sydney slurs.

“I know.” I say not letting my emotions break the wall I worked so hard to build. “Call Alex and Tobin and let them know we found her.”

*

“What the hell do you mean you’re thinking about moving?” Tobin screams at me in the living room.

“I mean I think my time in San Francisco is coming to an end.” I say simply.

“Where are you going to go then?” Tobin fumes, “You have nowhere to go.”

“Anywhere is something.” I don’t want to have this argument with Tobin.

“You aren’t leaving.” Tobin says pacing back and forth. I told Alex a couple of days ago that I was looking to finding a new job someplace other than San Francisco. I knew if I told her then she would be the one to break the news to Tobin so I didn’t have to have this confrontation.

“Tobin I’m not going to argue about this.” I shrug because I don’t know what else to do, “I’m leaving.”

“That’s bullshit you aren’t going anywhere.” Tobin continues to argue but there is not point.

“I’m sick of it here.”

“What about all of us Ashlyn?”

“You’ll be fine I’m sure.”

“Fuck you Ashlyn.” Tobin says walking towards me. “Fuck you.” She repeats as she pushes my chest.

“Keep acting like this Tobin.” I let the pain from her contact settle over me, letting myself absorb the feeling and putting all my energy into focusing on it.

“You’re giving up.”

“So what you gave up months ago.” I want to push her.

“At least I’m not running away from my problems.” She throws back at me.

“No you’re just being a little girl and hiding from them.” My voice is cold. “Take care of your shit Tobin.”

“I’m not the one hiding behind old videotapes, I’m going to work, and I am taking care of things so don’t act like you’re perfect.” She yells at me. “You aren’t taking care of anything.”

“You think you’re taking care of things?” My laugh fills the room with emotionless humor, “Where’s your wife Tobin?”

“Watch it Ashlyn.” Her jaw clenches as her fist turn white at her sides.

“At least I took care of mine.” I challenge her, “You can’t even take care of yours.”

I knew the blow would come but I was still surprised by the pain that shot through my cheekbone. The physical pain Tobin caused snapped something inside of me like for the first time in months. My body has been hibernating not letting any emotions through but the pain spreading in my cheek sparked my emotions.

“Your wife is still alive so why don’t you stop being a selfish brat and appreciate what you still fucking have.” I have never yelled at Tobin especially at this volume.

“You’re running away.” She screams, standing there shaking, “You’re running away from your family.”

“What fucking family?” The rage surging through my body is overwhelming but I latch onto it, “We haven’t been a family since Kelley died.”

“Whose fault is that?” Tobin’s eyes are watery now but her words are still filled with anger, “You don’t even fucking talk to me about her.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.” I step closer to her, feeling an unknown protectiveness. “You can’t even help your fucking self.”

“At least I’m not trying to leave Kelley behind.” She screams filling the space between us, “I still care about her!”

My fist connected with Tobin’s face hard as she flies back onto the floor. She cups her face in pure horror and shock at how hard the blow was. I didn’t even realize Heather and Alex were standing in the door way, their faces contorted in fear.

“I care!” I scream at everyone, “Don’t ever tell me I don’t fucking care. I lost my wife and yours is right there still breathing.” I point at Alex who looks horrified with tears in her eyes,“You can hold her, kiss her, and talk to her and all I fucking have are videos, all I fucking have are memories.”

“Ash.” Tobin cries out.

“I use to be able to feel Kelley’s touch even if she wasn’t touching me and now I don’t feel anything, I don’t feel her.” I don’t realize I’m crying until a tear slips onto my lip and the saltiness filled my tastebuds.

Tobin stands up walking towards me, I tense up ready for another punch to come, her arms come up, and I close my eyes for the attack but all I feel are her arms wrap around my neck and hold me tightly.

I let myself openly weep at the loving touch Tobin has a hold on me. I wrap my arms around her and pulling her tightly into me not wanting her to let go. I hold on to her for comfort, for safety, to feel anything, I hold on to her because I feel alone, I hold on to her because I’m terrified, but mostly I hold on to her because I need my best friend.

*

It’s been a couple days since mine and Tobin’s blow up but it had released my emotions that I’ve tried so hard to bottle up. I feel the ache again that I tried so hard to suppress but I realized this is better than feeling nothing.

I want to feel the loss of Kelley because then it makes her seem more real.

I’m lying in bed, feeling lazy after my shower, when a knock on my door turns my attention to Tobin standing in my doorway.

“Look at that shiner.” I say to her looking at the progression of the black eye she has.

“You should see the other guy.” She teases as she comes over and pokes my bruised cheek.

“Ow asshole, don’t poke it.” I smack her hand away, “What do you want Tobin?”

“Are you still thinking about moving?”

“You know I am.” I sigh hoping not to argue about it again.

“I thought so.” She smiles sadly at me, “Come with me.”

She pulls me out of bed walking me into the living room where a tall guy smiling widely at me was standing.

“Chris?” I question not believing that he’s here.

“Hey scrub come here.” He holds out his arms and I run straight into them. I haven’t really talked to Chris since Kelley’s funeral a couple months ago.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” I smile into his shirt.

“Well Tobs called me and told me you were thinking about moving.” He smiles down at me, “So I’ve come to knock some sense into my little sister.”

“I’m just glad you’re here.”

“Me too Ash.” He says kissing my forehead, “Now I already instructed Tobin to call all of your friends so I need to talk to all of you.”

“About what?”

“An angel.” He smiles at me but I can’t read the expression in his eyes.

*

All of us were sitting in the living room with the same confused look on our face. Well except for Sydney who looked completely hung over and then confused. Chris sat in front of us on one of the stools from the kitchen.

“So I’m sure you guys all want to know what I’m doing here.” Chris starts.

“Because I called you?” Tobin asks.

“Yes but I’ve been expecting this call for the last two months,” He begins again, “Well actually I’ve been expecting it for a lot longer, since your engagement party actually.” He stares at me his eyes filled with light.

“I’m confused.” I tilt my head trying to understand what he means.

“Months ago at your engagement party I had a talk with Kelley.” He lets his words settle over us, “She told me that she knew you wouldn’t be able to hold yourselves together even though she was going to make you promise.”

“What are you talking about Chris?” Sydney says irritated. He stands up cowering over all of us on the couch.

“What I’m saying Sydney is that Kelley knew you guys were going to fall apart so she asked me to help put you back together.” He grabs the flask from Sydney and throws it at the wall. “Now fucking listen or I’ll find another way to sober you up got it?”

“Got it.” Sydney says seeming more sober now than she has in months.

“Anyways Kelley and I had a talk at the engagement party, but then she called me again a couple weeks before she passed and left me with instructions. Then I got a letter in the mail that I’m supposed to read to you.”

“Okay.” Heather finally says after silence falls over all of us.

“The condition to this is that all of you have to agree to have me read this or I can’t at all.” He looks at each of us.

“Read it.” Alex says resolved.

“Yeah read it.” Tobin joins.

“Please.” Kristie said intently.

“Yeah.” Sydney says distantly.

“Ashlyn?” Chris pulled my attention to him. “Do you want me to read it?”

I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this but my friends all look worn out, defeated, and looking for any sliver of hope.

“Yes.”

“She knew you wouldn’t be ready but you’d say yes.” He nods at me with a sad smile.

“Go ahead.” I swallow.

_“Guys,_

_This is not what I wanted for you. I wanted all of you to hold each other together but instead you all fell apart. You forgot how to be a family so it’s like you’re forgetting me. I made you all promise in hopes that you would keep them, but I also know you would need a push in the right direction. I want you guys to listen carefully to what Chris is going to instruct you guys to do._

_He’s going to give you directions momentarily but first I need you to all know something._

_I am still with all of you and despite the ache you feel inside I am there. I just want all of you to embrace the loss of me but then embrace life. I want all of you to comfort each other and talk about your feelings. It’s unhealthy to bottle everything inside and I know for a fact each of you needs to talk so don’t try to deny it._

_You’re going to be feeling a lot of emotions soon so I need all of you to stick together._

_Promise me._

_I love you guys,_

_Kelley.”_

 

Chris stares at all of us, giving us a moment to let Kelley’s words seep in and to let us sort out the emotions we feel.

“So before I move forward do you guys promise to hold each other together because you’re all going to need it.”

“I promise.” We all say.

“Alright follow me.” Chris says leading us to the back yard brining us to the corner of the fence. “Here is a shovel Ashlyn start digging here.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.” He instructs.

I dig for the next ten minutes until the shovel hits something hard. I scrape more of the sand away until I see the green familiar looking box.

“No way.” I say pulling it out.

“This is a joke right?” Alex’s surprised filled within her voice.

“I love it.” Tobin says smiling.

“Uh what is it?” Sydney asks confused.

“Questions in a moment.” Chris takes the box from me and walks back inside.

We all sit down again on the couches as he puts the box on the stool.

“Ashlyn tell them what this is.”

“During our second year of being together Kelley was really into geocaching. We started doing it when Tobin, Alex, Kell, and I all went to this cabin in the woods for a weekend trip. We found the geocaching box and even put stuff in it. She was obsessed after that.”

Chris turns around and opens the box pulling out a disc. He goes over to the TV, turns it on, and presses play.

I see the familiar background pop up on the screen because it’s the same one we are sitting in. There’s shuffling in the background but then appears Kelley on the screen as she sits down on the couch.

“Hey guys.” She smiles widely into the camera. “I bet you miss this hot face.” She laughs and I feel my stomach turn with nausea.

Everyone in the room gasps looking confused, sad, and taken back but I turn back to the screen as Kelley just sits there smiling at us.

“I can’t do this.”  I say standing up to leave the room.

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris sit your god damn ass down.” I hear the stern voice come from the speakers and I stop to look at the screen. “Sit down.” She commands again.

“She told you.” Sydney says as I sit back down.

“Shut up Syd.” I say distracted by the Kelley on the TV.

“Thank you.” She smiles like she’s actually here. “I know this probably seems really weird but isn’t that how our family is, weird? Well anyways I decided a long time ago that I was going to make this video because I knew you guys were going to need some help.” She sighs and smiles sadly at us.

“Lex, breathe.” She says and we all turn to Alex who lets out a long shaky breath. How does Kelley do that even when gone?

“So as I was saying I’m sorry I had to leave you all, I know there wasn’t enough time to prepare but would there ever be enough time?” She thinks to herself, “I’m sorry you’re all hurting, I’m sorry you all feel alone, and if any of you are lashing out.”

Tobin turns to me with a small smile and a black eye.

“I made you all promise me something at one point and you guys definitely haven’t been following through so I had to call in reinforcement. Thanks Chris.” Kelley smiles widely.

“You’re welcome.” Chris murmurs, catching us all off guard with responding to Kelley.

“Ashlyn” Kelley says pulling my attention still feeling shaken about all of this, “Hey babe.” She smiles with so much love filled in her eyes her voice is soft, comforting.

“Hey Kell.” I say softly towards the TV wishing it was her in real life saying it to me.

“I know you think you need to run but you don’t have to Ashlyn.” Kelley looks intently into the camera, “You’re lucky Tobin called Chris after she found out your crazy plan to leave San Fran.” I look at Tobin and everyone with complete bewilderment, “No I’m not a psychic Ashlyn I just know you. The point is you can’t leave because you have something important to do in San Francisco. Chris can you give her the envelope please.”

Chris walks over to me and hands me a small envelope. I open the envelope with shaky hands and it’s a bank statement with a check inside. The check was written out to me with Kelley’s named signed on it and in the memo it reads: For your dream café.

“Go ahead Ash tell everyone what it is.” Kelley continues.

“It’s a check for $150,000 dollars and it says for my dream café.” She looks at everyone who has smiles and tears in their eyes.

“Now I know you are probably wondering where that money is coming from. I’m also sure you haven’t spoken to anyone about my will but there it is, my present to you. I want you to open the café you use to talk about when we first met. The condition is that money has to go towards a café. Chris give her the other part now.”

Chris walks over, kisses me on the forehead and hands me a piece of paper. It’s a deed to a building.

“Ash I checked this place out and it is amazing, its small but there is so much potential there. I know you’ll love it so there is the deed.” She smiles so happily and hopeful that my heart leaps even more.

“She got you a deed Ash.” Alex laughs through tears, “She’s helping you with your dream.”

“No need to thank me,” Kelley laughs a little but pauses after, “Okay this is where you thank me.” She stares at the camera sternly but a smile still on her face.

“Thank you.” I cry out happily.

“So now that that is settle and Ash isn’t stupidly leaving,” She winks into the camera, “We can move on to further business. Chris is going to take over but I gave him very strict instructions so you guys better follow along.”

Kelley breathes in deeply before letting a breath out with a sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry I had to leave you guys but just know I’m right here and if you can’t talk to each other which I wish you could then talk to me. I’m always going to be listening.”

Kelley stands up walks to the camera and bends down in front of it her flawless face showing perfectly through the lens.

“I love you all.” She blows a kiss before the screen goes black.

We all sit there in complete silence trying to wrap our heads around everything that has happened. Chris smiles at all of us as he watches us take in Kelley’s words and the video.

“What just happened?” Kristie says her eyes distant and confused.

“What use to happen, Kelley taking us all by surprise and adding some excitement into our life.” HAO laughs happily and we all smile feeling the same warmth that she does.

“Alright guys so in this box are items for all of you. It says things on each of them but you cannot open it until you truly feel that way. I know you may want to jump the gun or think you do but you will know when to open it so respect Kelley’s wish and wait.”

“I’m confused.” Sydney states.

“Let’s give you an example then.” Chris says picking up a small package for Sydney. “This says on it open this when you want to keep your promise.”

Sydney sits there thinking quietly about what’s written on the package, “I get it.” She says it with such clarity that it makes me wonder what her promise to Kelley was.

“Perfect.” Chris smiles brightly at her, “Now let’s hand the rest out shall we.”

Chris handed out packages to Kristie, Sydney and Heather who all read what was said on their packages but didn’t open them or say anything. They all are lost in thought about what could be in each package.

Chris pulls out a bottle of wine then and he reads the messaged aloud. “I want you all to sit out by the fire like we use to and I want you guys to talk.”  Then he turns around pulling out a second bottle smiling widely at Syd, “For you Syd because bitches can’t handle us.”

Sydney is in tears but her laughter fills the entire room as Chris hands her the bottle and note.

“She’s right you guys aren’t on our level.”

“Our livers are okay with that.” Kristie jokes and the way her eyes light up I know that the smile Sydney returns to her best friend is the first smile in weeks.

“Chris why didn’t you tell me?” I ask him but he just shakes his head.

“Because then there wouldn’t be a dramatic effect like in the movies.” He laughs to himself, “That’s what Kelley said at least.

“I don’t know how to feel about any of this.”

“Feel blessed because even after shes gone she is still trying to take care of you.” He hugs me tightly, his strong arms make me feel safe, and seeing Kelley’s face brought me some sort of peace for the time being.

“It’s okay.” I hear Tobin whisper. I look over to see her arm wrapped around Alex’s who is softly crying into her shoulder.

“Lex what’s wrong?” I ask concern filling my voice. She just shakes her head, trying to smile as she wipes at her eyes.

“She thought she would get something from Kelley.” Tobin confesses reading her mind.

I’ve just been so distracted with everything that’s happening that I didn’t realize Tobin and Alex hadn’t gotten anything from Kelley.

“I’m not finished guys.” Chris says to Alex who looks embarrassed for getting upset.

Chris hands me a note with a Navigation system like the one we used so long ago. I open the note that’s there and read it aloud.

“ _To my three favorite people,_

_I miss you all more than anything else in this world._

_Let this navigation bring you back your happiness, faith, and your sense of adventure._

_I love you all._

_Love, Kelley.”_

 “You guys have to wait until tomorrow morning to do it.” Chris smile, “And I’m going to head out for the night there is someone I have to see. I’ll stop by tomorrow to say goodbye before my flight leaves.”

“You’re leaving already?” I ask surprised at how short his stay is.

“I came to do what I had to sis.” He smiles down at me, “My promise is fulfilled have a goodnight.” He kisses me on the forehead before leaving.

“Who is he seeing?” Tobin asks.

“I don’t know.” I try to think of people he knows in San Francisco but can’t think of anyone.

“Let's make dinner.” Alex kisses Tobin on the cheek before heading into the kitchen.

*

All of us had sat at the dinner table eating together for the first time in two months. It was nice sitting with all of them but everyone is still lost in their own heads.

I start a fire and everyone gathers around to sit down while Syd pours everyone a glass of wine except for HAO who has water instead.

“I miss her.” Alex doesn’t hesitate to tell us how she feels. “I miss her so much.”

“We all miss her.” HAO says sympathetically, “Sometimes I don’t even feel like she left.”

“I know what you mean.” Sydney contemplates her next words, “I think that any second that she’s going to text me or if I want to tell her something then I’ll go to text her and then realize she isn’t going to text me back.” Sydney’s eyes glisten as her words tighten in her throat. “It’s so hard.”

Kristie reaches over intertwining Sydney’s hand with her own and I see Sydney slowly begin to calm.

“I dream about her all the time.” Tobin smiles to herself, her eyes are far away, “They aren’t crazy dreams we actually have conversations that are relevant. They seem so real that when I wake up I think my dream is the reality and this is just a nightmare.”

“Do you think the heaviness will ever leave our chests?” Kristie murmurs to us.

“No.” I surprise myself when I answer out loud. “No I don’t think it will ever go away. It may feel like it becomes lighter but really it’s just because we grow use to it.”

“How are you doing Ashlyn?” HAO looks at me with so much passion it’s hard to keep eye contact.

“Picture having half of you ripped away, constantly missing that other part of you, the better part of you, its suffocating.”

“I know we have all been distant lately but I’m here for you.” Kristie proclaims.

“We’re all here for you.” Sydney adds on.

“It is true Ash.” Tobin stands up and sits down on my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulder. “All of us, we are a family and maybe the five of us can be that missing part of you.”

Tobin’s words struck a chord inside of me. I’m surrounded by people who love me and even though Kelley isn’t here and my hearts been ripped apart, I still have this family. I just don’t know if it will ever be enough.

“I miss her so fucking much.” I burst out surprising everyone. Tobin rubs my back as I lean forward into my hands. I feel someone else kiss my head and I know its Alex who whispers in my ear that she loves me.

“I got you Ash.” Tobin comforts me, “You aren’t alone.”

“I need her and she isn’t here.” My chest feels heavy as short breaths come from the sobs that are pouring out of me. Everyone sat around the fire comforting each other.

“I love you.” Tobin says into my hair. “I love you Ash and I’m not going to leave you.”

“None of us will.” Kristie agrees.

“We’re all in this together.” HAO’s voice is strong, “We won’t fall apart and abandon each other again.”

“I need you guys.” I feel myself slowly starting to regain composure so I can be strong for my friends. They all look so helpless which is the only thing keeping me from continuing to break down.

“We’re here.” Sydney’s voice is confident sounding more put together than she has in a long time.

“I love you guys.” I look at all of my friends who are here surrounding me with their love and support.  Despite the heartache I feel, my friends make me feel less alone, and right now I don’t want to be lonely anymore. We spent the rest of our night comforting each other and recovering the bond that we thought was broken.

 

*

After saying goodbye to Chris in the morning Alex, Tobin, and I all set off on finding Kelley’s geocache. Tobin navigated me as I drove through San Francisco. After a half hour of driving we got to this little Marina. We parked the car, starting to walk on foot, towards the water.

“Tobs are you sure this is it?” Alex questions her wondering why we were heading for the ocean.

“Yeah I’m positive this is where it’s sending us.”

“We’re going straight for the ocean.” I argue.

“Just keep going guys.” She says as she steps onto one of the docks and continues down. “No way.” Tobin lets out a surprised sigh.

“What is it?”

“She bought us a boat.” Tobin exhales lightly and we all turn to where Tobin is staring. On the side of the boat it says Live the Life You Imagine and underneath it all three of our names are on it.

“How the hell did she do this?” I ask incredulously.

“Kelley saved all her money.” Alex said, “Kelley use to work so much during high school, she got scholarships for college so she never really spent her money, and she had a good job where she saved and invested a lot. She was actually really good with money so this doesn’t surprise me.”

I step into the boat and make my way to the bottom to find a little room with a bed, table with built in chairs, and a tiny little counter top. Sitting on the bed was a geocache box, I grab it and step upstairs.

“Let’s do this.” Tobin exhales rolling her shoulders back like she’s getting ready to go into a game.

I open the geocache box to see a bunch of packages in them all labeled with our names. We just stare at the box until Alex reaches in pulling out a note.

_“My three favorite people,_

_I hope that yesterday has helped begin your healing process. I know that there is nothing I can do to bring you happiness but I hope this helps ease your pain. Now remember do not open these packages until you truly know you need to and not just on a sudden whim._

_The first thing I want you to do is something spontaneous with each other!_ _I love you all so much._

_Please remember to live the life you imagine._

_Are you ready?_

_Kelley.”_

“Well guys? What spontaneous thing do you want to do?”

“I know.” I smile at my friends, “Tattoos.”

“Seriously?” Tobin laughs.

“Live the life we imagine right?”Alex’s face lights up and it’s refreshing to see her smile.

“I’m in.” Tobin kisses Alex’s cheek turning to step out of the boat.

“I’m in.”

“I'm in.” I smile as I grab the box that holds our hope in it and head to the car.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a small segment of Sydney's point of view.

“Sydney get up we have to get ready.” Kristie pushes me lightly but I’m slow to move.

“Stop Kris my head is pounding.” I groan from the prominent ache in my head. I should’ve never taken those shots of tequila last night.

“Aspirin and water on your stand.” Kristie orders me, “Now get up or were going to be late for breakfast.”

“Fine.” I grumble turning over to grab the aspirin and water, “You’re paying for me.”

“I do anyways.” Kristie retorts back at me throwing a towel at my face, “Shower you smell like old beer.”

“You had fun last night don’t even deny it.” I yell hurting my own head in the process.

“I did have fun last night but I also don’t get shit faced wasted every time.” Kristie eyes me when she walks out of my closet and looking in the mirror.

“I wasn’t shit face wasted.” I know I was but arguing with Kristie always entertains me.

“‘I can do a cartwheel watch’” Kristie mimics me as she makes a crashing sound to replicate the sound I made when I slammed into a table last night. “‘Ow my leg.’” She continues to mimic.

“Why do I even keep you around?” I say taking my clothes off from the night before and wrapping the towel around me to go to the bathroom to shower.

“Because you wouldn’t survive otherwise.” Kristie laughs pulling one of my shirts off to try on the next one. I stare at Kristie’s shoulder blades extend outward due to her movements her muscles ripple in places and I picture tracing them with my fingers. Kristie did have a nice body that I found myself staring at whenever the moment arose.

“That isn’t true.”

“Care to test the theory?” She says pulling the shirt on over her head and turning in different directions to see if the shirt will work for her today.

“Nope.” I say smiling widely at her, “Wear the blue one it makes your boobs look great.”

I watch Kristie through the mirror, as her eyes light up with a small smile, as her cheeks turn red. I laugh to myself at how embarrassed she gets when I make comments to her. I shower quickly and throw an outfit together.

When I walk out to the living room Kristie is standing there waiting for me wearing the blue shirt.

“I was right about your boobs they look great.” I smile at her as she shakes her head smiling at me.

“Come on lets go.” She turns around walking out of the door. “Do you have your gym stuff?”

“Oh shit I’ll be right back.” I turn around to go back inside to grab my gym stuff.

“And you’d survive without me.” She scoffs to herself.

*

It’s a short drive from our apartment to Ashlyn’s new café. It’s amazing how quickly she got it up and running. She put all of her energy into this café, a nice distraction for all of us. We all would sit around and help her find decorations, shop for appliances, help her make the big business decisions. We were there through the entire process all wanting to help her achieve her dream.

The café was gorgeous with dark mahogany wooden floors, chic tables, a nice counter top for people to sit at, the walls were covered in chalkboards where costumer’s can write their favorite quotes of inspiration, all of the appliances were stainless steel, and the feel to her café was safe, warm, and welcoming.

I walk over to all of our friends sitting at the counter in our designated place.

“Good morning ladies.” I smile at everyone asAshlyn hands me my usual order.

“Welcome to the Uplifted.” Ashlyn smiles as she hands me my cappuccino.

“Why are you so good at this?” I say after gulping down my drink. Ashlyn was amazing at making caffeinated drinks. She had taken classes throughout the years and was always obsessed with learning ways to make coffee and all about coffee beans. “This was worth getting up this morning.”

“That’s not what she was saying a half hour ago.” Kristie says amusing everyone, “She was complaining the whole time.”

“Yeah well now I have my cappuccino so I’m happy.” I counter back, “Hey you can I get some of those organic pancakes?”

“I know you aren’t asking me like that.” The dark haired woman stares at me.

“Okay okay can I please get some pancakes?”

“I don’t know can you?”

“Hope give the girl her pancakes.” Ashlyn laughs as she makes Tobin another coffee.

Hope is the cook for Ashlyn, she is some culinary genius who Ashlyn hired a month ago and makes all organic food. Her food is amazing but her attitude is sour, probably why she fits in perfectly with this crowd.

“Fine but I’m not putting blueberries in them.” Hope smirks at me as I pout.

“Hope don’t ruin the poor girls day she looks forward to this on Sundays.” Alex laughs at how pathetic I look trying to win my blueberries.

“And can I get the garden omelet but with that cheese from last time.” Tobin chimes in licking her lips as she looks at the chalkboard on the wall with the menu on it.

“Tobin you just had a muffin,” Alex stares at Tobin, “Can I get the garden breakfast wrap?”

“So I want both.” Tobin smiles at Alex with a cheesy grin making her look like a child.

“If I knew these people came along with this job I would’ve asked for more money.” Hope complains to Ashlyn before disappearing from the opening that connects the front to the kitchen.

“Hope there will never be enough money to cover these guys.”

“Tell me about it.” She scoffs from in the kitchen.

“Oh please you both love us.” HAO sticks her head up from the newspaper.

“Ash I’m so proud at how well this place is doing.” I smile looking around at the costumers enjoying their Sunday breakfasts.  “You got it up in five months it’s only been a month but people really like it here.”

“Thanks Syd.” She looks up from making a customer some sort of coffee concoction to smile at me. “Don’t forget dinner tonight.”

“How could I?” Ashlyn did always make the best dinners. “Hope you coming tonight?”

“Uh no I see you guys enough as it is.” She glares at all of us as she puts Tobin and Alex’s plates in the window.

“Who is covering tonight?” Alex smiles as Ashlyn hands her, her plate.

“Lauren.”

“I like her.” Tobin mumbles through a mouthful of food receiving a jealous glare from Alex. “Not like that babe.”

“Manners dude.” Ashlyn shakes her head laughing. “But yeah she is great, hard worker.”

“What’s for dinner tonight?” HAO looks up from her newspaper to steal a bite of Tobin's omelet.

“I don’t know what do you guys want?” Ashlyn is busy dusting off the pictures of all of us behind the counter.

“I think Chicken Parm sounds good.” Kristie says but Ashlyn doesn’t turn around or acknowledge her. She stares at the picture of her and Kelley in Montana lightly wiping it with a cloth.

“Ash?”

“Huh?” She turns around her eyes are far away, dazed like she is in another world. “I’m sorry what did you say?” She asks Kristie as she plays with the wedding ring on her finger.

“I think Chicken Parm sounds good for dinner.”

“Oh yeah totally.” It always takes Ashlyn a little while to snap out of the dazes she gets in sometimes. She loses herself in the thoughts of Kelley but we have grown accustomed to letting her snap out of it herself. She deserves moments to remember Kelley and get distracted by the memories.

“Kristie and I will go food shopping for the stuff and bring it over at five.” I offer, Ashlyn smiles in approval.

“Sounds good to me.”

“Alright well were going to head to the gym we are meeting our clients there so we will catch you guys later.” I say goodbye to everyone. “Hope the pancakes were mediocre but thanks I guess.”

“You’re maturity level never ceases to amaze me.”

“I know.” I wink at Hope who just rolls her eyes and continues to work, “Kristie let’s move it.”

*

“Do you want to get up and go grocery shopping now it’s almost four?” Kristie pops her head into my room.

“I’m watching Scandal reruns.” I respond like it’s a valid answer.

“Sydney get up.” Kristie orders but still lies down on my bed feeling just as lazy as I do.

“I’m exhausted Kris,” I whine, “Can you go grocery shopping and I’ll stay here forever?”

“You didn’t do anything today except train a couple at the gym.” She throws a pillow at me, “Get up loser were going shopping.”

“Personal training is tiring.” I argue but start to get out of bed to put shoes on and grab my wallet, “Don’t reference Mean Girls to me.”

“Alright let’s go.” Kristie laughs tossing me the keys.

Were driving in the car when a song comes on the radio and Kristie starts singing loudly to it. Kristie never gives up an opportunity to show everyone her horrible singing skills. Kelley and Kristie use to always sing together in the car, and by singing I mean screaming as loud as possible to songs. It was always funny to hear them play off of each other, dancing in the car, singing together, and they were always so dramatic. I turn my gaze quickly to Kristie who looks so happy and free reminding me so much of Kelley.  She gets into the song belting out the chorus when it starts to become too much.

“Kris...Kris…Kristie!” I say grabbing her hand to get her attention, “My baby ears can’t take your wailing.”

“Wailing?” She laughs at me, “I wouldn’t have gone that extreme but thank you.”

“You know I like when you express yourself through song but all the deaf people in this world can probably hear you.” I tease as she shakes her head giving me her typical ‘you’re so dramatic look.’

“Fine I’ll lower the volume.” She begins to sing softly to the new song playing on the radio and it’s not until a couple songs later that I realize our hands our still laced together. She’s tracing her finger on my hand in some sort of rhythm matching the beat of the song.

“Kris?”

“I’m barely singing!” She groans resting her head back on the headrest staring out the window.

“Kris?”

“What Sydney?” She chuckles giving me her attention.

“Can I have my hand back?” I look at her quickly before bringing my eyes back to the road.

“Of course.” She lets go and clears her throat awkwardly.

“Just need it to drive.” I smile not wanting to hurt her feelings or anything.

“By the way stop eating my gushers.”

“What I’m not!”

“Your hand is sticky.” She looks at me suspiciously her eyes light with humor causing me to laugh along with her.

“I’ll buy another box.”

“Value pack or I walk.” She negotiates.

“Fine.” I chuckle to myself at how easy it is for Kristie to make me laugh.

I don’t know how I ever pushed myself away from Kristie so long ago. I couldn’t even look at her without feeling anger or sadness. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions when Kelley died so I pushed her away and found relief in partying. I partied to forget the pain that my friends and I held on to, I partied to get away from Kristie’s sad eyes, and I partied to get away from the fact that one of my best friends was no longer here to be with me. If it weren’t for Kelley’s video I don’t think I would’ve ever been able to stay there with Kristie. I still try to fill the hollow feeling I feel sometimes and I do that with alcohol but it helps ease the feelings that start to overwhelm me.

*

“Alright guys the foods ready so let’s go.” Ashlyn calls out from the kitchen, the living room filling with the amazing fragrance of the ingredients.

“Thank god for this food.” HAO says dramatically, “Kellen keeps me up all night it’s awful. I can’t remember the last time I made an actual meal.”

“How is the little guy?” Kristie asks, “I just realized he wasn’t at breakfast.”

“He was having a guy day with Dave.” She says stuffing her face again, “Mommy needed a break.” It’s only been a couple of weeks but hearing HAO call herself mommy still catches me off guard.

“Aren’t you excited of this for the next 18 years?”

“I’ll just be happy when he can get his own food, go to the bathroom by himself, and can use words instead of various screeching noises.” She exasperates causing us all to laugh.

“I could eat here every day.” The taste of Ashlyn’s cooking is too die for.

“I wish you did because it would save me on food bills.” Kristie jokes and everyone laughs along.

“You’re welcome here anytime Syd.” Alex smiles warmly.

“Well speaking of that Alex I think it’s a good time now to tell everyone that you don’t get a say in what happens in this household because Tobin and Alex just bought a house.” Ashlyn announces it like she’s never been more proud.

“No way.” I shake my head not really believing Ashlyn. Alex and Tobin have lived with Ashlyn for so long that I never even thought of them getting their own place. “Where?”

“Literally down the road.” Tobin laughs at how close their house is, “Ashlyn is kicking us out.”

“It’s time you guys go back to being able to be an actual couple and not staying at your friend’s house anymore.”

“Aw you guys are all grown up.” Kristie jokes but my focus is on Ashlyn. “When do you move out?”

“In a week.” Tobin looks nervous.

Ashlyn looks sad, I can see the apprehension in her eyes despite the smile playing across her face. Ashlyn has been really strong the last couple of months but Alex and Tobin tell me they still hear Ashlyn crying at night sometimes or that they have to force her to get up in the morning. It worries me that they won’t be there all the time for her anymore.

“So what does the place look like?” HAO asks excitedly.

“We will have to go see it.” Kristie joins in with HAO’s excitement. The rest of dinner is spent talking about their ideas for decorations and furniture.

*

“Big move for them huh?” I ask Ashlyn as she busies herself with the dishes.

“Yeah it’s exciting for them.” She looks up to give me a quick smile but her eyes still betraying her.

“How are you doing with it?”

“I’m good.”

“Okay Ashlyn how are you really doing with it?”

“I’m happy for Alex and Tobin. They deserve to start their lives again, they need to stop postponing their actual wedding, and they need to act like a married couple.”

“Okay but how do you feel?” I press again knowing she will break if I’m persistent.

“I’ll be sad to leave this place but I’m fine really.” She shrugs.

“Whoa whoa whoa what do you mean sad to leave?”

“I’m selling the house and I’m going to live above the café.” My heart drops into my stomach hearing Ashlyn planning on moving out.

“No you’re not.”

“What?” Ashlyn looks at me curiously.

“You can’t sell this house Ashlyn this is…”I try to think of how to make sense of what I’m trying to say. “Your house.” Is the best thing I come up with.

“It’s just a house Syd.”

“You know that isn’t true. This is your home Ashlyn.”

“I lost my home almost 9 months ago.” She places the sponge down slowly, and grips the counter top with her wet hands, “Anywhere I go is a house but it won’t be my home, plus this place is too big for me to live on my own, and I can’t have them keep putting everything on hold for me.”

“Ashlyn.”

“Sydney it’s okay.” She kisses my forehead, “I’ll be fine don’t worry.” She dries off her hands and starts to walk out of the kitchen. “Come on lets go have some wine.”

I follow her into the living room but the nagging feeling that has been creeping up on me for months now is back but this time I can’t shake it.

*

I couldn’t fall asleep once we finally got home from dinner. My mind wouldn’t let me forget how sad Ashlyn's eyes were. I sat on the couch flipping through the channels absentmindedly when I see a small light come from under Kristie's door. A moment later Kristie was opening her door, rubbing her eyes, and looking absolutely exhausted.

“What are you doing Syd?” Kristie yawns looking confused coming to the couch and immediately laying down, resting her head on my lap.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“So you’re watching info commercials?”

“Nothing else is on, why are you up?”

“My room is too hot so I was going to come steal your bed and AC.”

“You have an AC Kris.”

“Yeah but it makes funny noises and spits ice at me sometimes.”

“Want to go to my room and watch more reruns of Scandal then?”

“I can’t say no to that.”

We sluggishly walk into my room lying down on the bed to watch our old seasons of Scandal. Kristie makes herself comfortable. I play the episode we left off on earlier but my mind is too distracted to watch.

We go through two more episodes before Kristie speaks again.

“We have two appointments tomorrow at 8am and 2pm.”

“Oh yeah I forgot.” I say looking towards the clock to see that its 3:47am.

“We’re so responsible.” Kristie laughs, “We should go to bed before we’re too exhausted to train.”

“Lets just cancel them.”

“We can’t do that Syd we need the money we have to live here for another year.”

“This place is so expensive.” I grumble at how much our rent is.

“Well it will be too late to look for a new place now, we have to re-sign the lease on Wednesday.”

“Don’t remind me. Set the alarm on your phone so at least one of us gets up. You know I’m trigger friendly when it comes to the snooze button.” I yawn as the exhaustion finally starts to sink in. “Goodnight Kristie.”

“Night Syd.”

I try to get rest but my mind won’t shut off.

*

“Let’s take another shot.” I yell over the music at the bar were at.

“No Sydney we’ve had enough to drink tonight.” Kristie argues with me but I ignore her as I order two more shots. “Are you seriously going to drink more?” She looks at me angrily.

Ever since the other day this feeling that I still can’t describe has been eating at me to the point where I got fed up and decided to go out. Kristie just doesn’t understand what I’m going through and is being unreasonable.

“I’m fine Kristie stop being so uptight.” I slur my words as I take my shot and hand her the other one which she doesn’t take so I drink it instead.

“Congratulations you can now hold eleven shots now let’s go home.”

“If you want to go home then fine see ya later.” I turn to the bartender and order more drinks.

“Cut her off.” Kristie starts talking to the bartender who looks at me evaluating me if I should be cut off. “She can barely stand.”

“She seems fine.”

“Is that a fucking joke?” Kristie argues back but the bartender just shrugs and hands me a drink.

“Wanna dance?” A guy with too much cologne wearing just a wife beater and jeans asks me.

“Sure.” I say following him to the dance floor wanting to get away from Kristie.

I spend the next hour on the dance floor with this guy, glancing every so often to see Kristie sitting at the bar staring at me. A guy walks up to Kristie who she seems to know because she immediately starts to smile and hugs him. He buys her a drink a couple minutes later and they talk animatedly to each other.

Who does she think she is to tell me I can’t drink and have fun but then she’s flirting with some guy at the bar. I always have to be on my best behavior for her and I’m sick of it.

“Buy me a drink.” I tell Steve with too much cologne on.

“I’ve already bought you three.” He laughs and continues to dance.

“Fine I’ll go find someone who will.” I push away from him but he grabs my wrist.

“Okay okay let’s get you a drink.” Steve is too easily manipulated but I don’t mind as long as I can get my point across as we walk up to the bar.

“Can I get her another drink?” Steve asks the bartender who goes to work making my drink.

“Seriously?” Kristie mutters to herself but loud enough for me to hear.

“Steve I’m glad you aren’t uptight and like to have fun.” I can barely understand myself at this point but I continue anyways, “It’s refreshing compared to always feeling suffocated.”

“Fuck you Sydney.” Kristie whips around to face me, “This guy just wants to fuck you he only buys you drinks so it’s easier to get you to go home with him.”

“So maybe I want that without the drinks.” I immediately see the hurt flash in her eyes but at this point I don’t care. “It’s better than going home with you whenever you want me to.”

“Alright Sydney.” Kristie turns around the guy talking to her who gives her a sympathetic look.

“Hey maybe you can take her home with you.” I glare at the guy she’s talking to, “Maybe then she won’t be such a bitch.” My drunken mind telling me I’m jealous for some reason.

“I think it’s time for you to stop drinking.” He challenges me.

“Fuck off.”

“Bars almost closing wanna get outta here.” Steve whispers into my ear, his hot breath making me feel gross, but I agree anyway and walk outside.

I get half way to his car before I hear Kristie yelling out my name.

“Sydney stop.” She yells when she finally gets to me.

“Go away Kristie.”

“You’re drunk but I know you don’t want to do this.” She stares at me with so much concern in her eyes but that feeling I have inside of me is still gnawing at me and if alcohol doesn’t fix it then maybe Steve will. My mind is cloudy and I don’t have incoherent thoughts anymore. “You know you will regret this.”

“The only thing I regret right now is bringing you with me.” I yell back at her but still walk away in the direction of our apartment.

I hear her following me but I don’t slow my pace for her, the alcohol in my system just fuels my anger.

The farther I walk the more unsteady I feel, my mind becoming heavy making my entire body feels heavy as well. I stop and sit down on the sidewalk not being able to hold myself up anymore.

“Sydney what are you doing?” Kristie asks clearly annoyed at me.

“Go home Kristie.” My words slurred together.

“Not until you get up and come with me.”

“No I’m tired.” I feel myself lay down trying to stop the dizziness. Kristie walks away from me but I can hear her talking to someone but at this point I just don’t care.

“Sydney it’s time to get up.” Kristie says as I feel her hands on me but I push them away.

“Don’t touch me Kristie.”

“Is she usually like this?” I hear someone say but my eye sight is too blurry to register who it is.

“Sometimes.” Kristie responds.

“Just go home with your guy friend Kristie I can get home by myself.”

“Sydney I got up at four in the morning for you so if you don’t get the hell up I’ll drag you by your hair.”

“Hope?” I smile knowing that familiar voice now. “Hey girl, want to go get some drinks?”

I fill a tight grip on my arm and I know by the firmness of it that it’ll leave a bruise. I’m picked up and put into the backseat of a car. I can hear Hope and Kristie talking but can’t make out their words.

The car finally stops and I feel the same firm grip again.

“Ow you’re hurting my arm Hope.”

“I don’t care.” She rejects my pleas of pain.

“Kristie make her stop.” When I look at Kristie her eyes are red rimmed and glossy. “Kris, why are you crying?”

“Because her best friend is a drunken asshole.” Hope sneers at me bringing me to my room.

“Thank you Hope I’m sorry I called you so late but I knew if I called anyone else they would freak out.” Kristie voice is rough making me want to comfort her.

“No worries feel better.” Hopes voice is gentle, something I never thought I would say when describing her. “You can call me anytime you need Kris.”

“Thanks goodnight.” Kristie and Hope leave my room for a little but Kristie comes back.

“Kristie, will you sleep with me?” I ask her not wanting to be alone but she doesn’t answer she just starts pulling my dress over my head replacing it with a shirt and shorts.

Then she leaves the room, the aching feeling inside of me still there welcoming the guilt I now feel.

*

“Damnit Sydney clean your room.” I wake up to Kristie yelling after hearing a huge thud on the floor. “Your room is ridiculous.”

“My head.” I groan, “Its 11am Kristie.” I say when I look at my clock.

“Whatever go back to sleep then.” She argues still angry for tripping over my stuff.

“What happened last night?” I ask rubbing my eyes trying to get rid of the pressure behind them.

“I’m not surprised you don’t remember.” Kristie’s voice is clipped telling me that she is beyond pissed off.

“Tell me what I did.” I say sighing knowing it’s something.

She turns to look at me but I see something in her eyes that I haven’t seen before. It scares me the look she’s giving me but she doesn’t say anything she just shakes her head and turns to walk out.

“Fine I’ll clean.” I say not really sure what is happening.

“I know you will.” Kristie looks at me frustrated but leaves to go clean her own room.

I lay in bed trying to piece together my night when I finally realize what I had done. I can’t remember being that mean to Kristie except months ago when Kelley first died. I hate myself for hurting Kristie like that and I don’t know how to fix it.

I spend the next hour picking up clothes, throwing away garbage, and organizing my room. I open my side drawer knowing there are tons of magazines in there to clean out. When I pull out the final magazine I stop when I see the familiar package that I received months ago from Kelley.

I hold the box in my hand feeling the theoretical weight of it, I turn it in my hands until I read the note on it ‘open this when you want to keep your promise.’ I can feel a resolution sink over me and she was right that I would know exactly when you need to watch it.

I stand up and pop the DVD into my player and watch as the TV comes to life with Ashlyn and Kelley’s living room on the screen.

Kelley walks into view holding a glass of wine in her hand smiling at the camera.

“Hey Syd I figure if I’m making this video for you than it is only right that I drink wine with it right?” She chuckles to herself as she holds her glass up and takes a sip, “So I hope you’re watching this video because you were ready and not because you’re impulsive.” She smiles as she takes another sip of wine.

“I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“It's okay Sydney if you’re scared because I know it’s been hard for you. I know you’ve probably turned to partying more or pushed people away. I know my first video was a wakeup call but not enough of one to give you the clarity that you deserve.”

“I’ve been doing well.” I think to myself.

“I’m sure you’ve pulled it together but you still feel like something’s missing and you can’t fill it but look hard Sydney, its right at your fingertips.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Kelley.” I argue to her frustrated with what she wants me to do.

“It is right there Sydney.”

“What is Kelley?”

“The answer you need to fill the void that my promise has left you.” She shakes her head finally giving up, “You know I’m trying to be mysteriously wise right now and you aren’t helping.” She laughs, “I made you promise to protect our family but when I left you didn’t feel like there was a family anymore so you had broken your promise. The thing is you haven’t Sydney you can still protect our family whether it’s the entire clan or just one person.”

I don’t know how Kelley does this and I’m taken back just like I was the first time. Seeing Kelley on the screen, talking like she’s here, like we’re actually having a conversation is beyond strange to me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to protect anyone.

“You know Syd you’ve always been so full of energy, so upbeat, always positive and I always found it to be such personable qualities. Ashlyn always loved that about you.” She sighs and I catch a glimpse of sadness in her eyes, “I hope she’s doing okay and that you’re keeping her on her toes because you’re the only one besides me of course who can. I mean with Tobin and Alex back to being there boring coupley selves right?” Her eyes are knowing like she knows exactly what is going on with everyone and it’s honestly weird.

“How do you do that?” I whisper.

“I know you’re probably thinking I’m a weirdo but I know all of you so well it shouldn’t be a surprise to you honestly.” She smiles lovingly at me, “I hope you’re okay and that you still have your spark if not then you better search for it until you find it.”

“I will.”

“No more crazy bar nights either unless you’re with people who will take care of you.” She points at me sternly and I can’t help smile despite messing up last night because she does know me so well.

“Okay.”

“Good! I hope that the void you feel subsides when you figure out what you have to do.”

“I think I know.”

“I miss you Sydney.” Her gaze is loving, her lips tightly rolled with a small downward smile.

“I miss you.” My voice chokes as I realize this video is coming to an end.

“I have to get going we’re supposed to meet to go shopping actually! Don’t be sad everything will be okay, now go get Kristie and let her know the news.” She winks at me like she already knows. “I love you Sydney Leroux.”

Kelley stands and dances towards the camera before bending down, blowing the camera a kiss and then turning it off.

“I love you Kelley.” I rub under my eyes trying not to spread my mascara as I sit there and think about everything Kelley just said.

*

“Sydney want to go grab something to eat?” Kristie barges into my room but stops short when she sees me. “Have you been crying?”

I nod my head, sniffing in deeply.

“What’s wrong?” Her voice is filled with concern as she sits at the edge of my bed. Of course Kristie isn’t mad at me anymore even though I was a huge brat last night. Kristie has always been the really forgiving type and she never stays mad for long.

“I’m so sorry for last night.” I wipe at my nose, “I don’t know why I got like that I just wanted to stop feeling this way.”

“What way?” Despite everything that has happened Kristie is still there for me.

“Feeling like something is missing.” I sniff before continuing, “I just wanted something to fill it and I thought drinking would do it.”

“It’s unhealthy how you cope with things.”

“I know and I’m sorry Kristie.” I grab her hand before continuing, “I think maybe we should go out for a while.”

“Yeah probably not.” She laughs.

“Can I make it up to you?”

“You’re going to be paying for breakfast for a month.” She negotiates.

“Deal.” I chuckle.

“You’re way too forgiving.”

“Yeah well I love ya.” She wraps her arm around me pulling me closer to her.

“I watched Kelley’s video.” Kristie’s eyebrows burrowed as she processes what I just said to her. It’s been almost seven months since we first saw the video so it seems surreal to say I’ve watched another one.

“And what did she say?”

“She pushed me to fulfill my promise to her.”

“What was your promise?” Kristie asks me curiously, she sits there staring at me fidgeting with her hands.

“I didn’t know it was a promise at first but now I realize it was. She told me to find my spark again, to be strong, and keep everyone on their toes.”

“And you think now you are just fulfilling that?” Kristie laughs knowing I’m still super loud and spontaneous.

“No because there is something we have to do in order for it to be complete.”

“And what would that be?” Kristie asks nervously as the mischievous smile grows on my face. “Where are you going?” She yells after me as I start making phone calls.

*

I knock repeatedly on the door, my impatience getting the best of me.

“Sydney what are you doing here?” Tobin smiles warmly at me but I just push past her.

I step into the house looking for Ashlyn but she isn’t anywhere to be found. “Where is Ashlyn?”

“She’s at the café doing some ordering and stuff.” Tobin grabs my arm. “What’s up dude?”

“I need your help so call some backups.” I say excitedly.

“Uh is Alex okay cause all my back ups are here?” Tobin laughs pulling out her phone.

*

I hear the door turn and my anxiety raises more than it had over the last couple of hours.

I see Ashlyn who looks exhausted step into the living room, placing her bag down before noticing any of us sitting there.

“Hey guys what’s going on?” Ashlyn looks at us with an amused smile.

“Sit down Ashlyn we have to discuss some things.” Kristie says happily.

“What’s up?” she sits down slowly, “I do not like the look on your guys’ faces.”

“Ash, Alex and I officially moved all of our stuff out today when you were working.” Tobin smiles and squeezes Alex’s shoulder.

“We figured we would move it all in one shot.” Alex continues.

“That’s great guys.” Ashlyn says rubbing her face looking more exhausted now, “We will have to celebrate this weekend.”

“Ashlyn.” I say her name when I finally get the courage to. She looks up at me with tired eyes and I know my decision is the right one.

“I opened Kelley’s package today.” Her eyes widened a little and her mouth formed a tight line as she nodded for me to continue. “Before Kelley passed away she told me that I was strong and needed to protect this family.” I smile thinking back to the happy Kelley I saw a couple hours ago. “I didn’t realize it was a promise until I thought about it today.”

“Okay?” Ashlyn presses me to continue.

“So I’ve been living with this hole inside of me, it makes me feel empty and weak, I hide behind alcohol and partying trying to ignite this dull feeling inside of me. Today Kelley made me realize why I was feeling this way because I wasn’t holding up to her expectations,” I look in Ashlyn's eyes and I feel like I can see Kelley there which gives me the courage to push forward. “She was one of the only people I wanted to impress and be the best person I could be. My point is that I haven’t been that person in a long time but I’m ready to be who she expects me to be and there is only one way to keep her promise.” I say through tearful eyes.

“And what’s that?”

“Kristie and I are moving in.”

“What?” Her wide eyes tell us enough that, that isn’t what she was expecting.

“You don’t want to be in this house alone because the memories it has are too overwhelming and we all know when you’re alone you get lost in your thoughts of her. We know you get lonely and the thought of Tobin and Alex not filling up space in this house scares you. You’re being selfless to tell Alex and Tobin to move on with their lives but if you leave this place you aren’t moving on with yours, you’re running.”

“Sydney.”

“No let me finish. You have been so strong and you take care of everyone and now you take care of a café. Let it be our turn to take care of you because you’re not leaving this house, there are too many memories to leave behind.”

“I’m not leaving memories I still have them whether I’m in this house or a small apartment.”

“Do you really want to leave this place Ashlyn?” I ask sternly knowing she’s just being stubborn. “The memories are built into this house, Kelley is here, all around us in this house.”

“I love this house.” Ashlyn’s eyes are glazed over like she’s proclaiming it to someone else besides me.

“Then Kristie and I are going to be here for you and help you out.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.” Her voice is heavy but I can hear the pleading in it.

“You’re not asking because we have already decided.” I smile widely at everyone, “Our stuff is already moved in.” I say standing up. “We’re going to make this a home damnit.”

Ashlyn stands up and grabs me into a bear hug, squeezing me tightly, her laughter filling the room.

“I don’t know if I can handle living with you two.” She smiles brightly at us as she opens her arms up to Kristie.

“I think it’ll be refreshing to live with us instead.” Kristie hugs Ashlyn back.

“Yeah plus if we get annoying we will spend time down the street and make Alex and Tobin take our place for a couple of days.”

“We will be here all the time anyways.” Alex shrugs happily. “The home down the street is just a place to sleep.”

“Yeah we all still live here.” Tobin pats Ashlyn on the shoulder.

“Yeah plus Kelley told me that Alex and Tobin are a boring couple and that we need to freshen your life up so this will work.” I wink at Alex and Tobin who protest loudly but happiness in their voices.

“She did not say that.” Alex slaps me lightly.

“Actually she did but she meant it with love I’m sure.”

“Thank you.” Ashlyn smiles warmly at us. She looks around the room taking in everything that’s happening.

“You’re welcome.” I feel the dull feeling inside of me transform, filling me up with a happiness I haven’t felt in a long time. Kelley was here with us and I send her a quiet thank you for helping me.

 “Welcome home.” Ashlyn laughs freely as I see the worry of being alone rolls off of her shoulders.


	9. Chapter 9

“Hope when is that zucchini bread going to be ready?” I look at her wide eyed wondering why all the bread is taking so long to bake today.

“When it’s ready.” She is so simple and short with responses it pisses me off.

“What about the multigrain?” I continue to pressure for these simple answers.

“When that’s ready you will know.”

“Hope we don’t have all day for these breads to cook. We got here at 3:30am for a reason to make sure all the baked stuff is ready to go.” I look at her sternly feeling my anxiety rise.

“Get back here.” Hope commands without looking up from cooking. “Bring a Coffee.”

“Why should I have to bring you a coffee?”

I walk into the kitchen staring at her for a minute before she’s done cooking two omelets. She picks them up, puts them under the window, turns to me and pulls out a flask.

“Take a shot.”

“What the hell? No I’m working and why do you have a flask at work?” I’m beyond fuming at this point.

“Because I have to deal with your friends on a daily basis.” Hope pushes the flask towards me with a look that tells me not to object. “Take the damn flask and then leave me alone.”

I grab the flask and quickly throw it back feeling the burning liquid slide down my throat. It’s a strong whiskey but the taste is better than most whiskeys I’ve tried before. The alcohol is doing its job by calming me down more than I was a minute ago.

“That is good stuff.” I say feeling the liquid fill my stomach and ease my nerves.

Hope takes the flask from me and pours the rest of the flask into my coffee.

“I don’t want to take all of your stuff.” I watch as she empties the flask.

“No worries I have another one in my purse.” She winks at me and smirks knowing I want to object but as I take a sip of the coffee I feel nothing but gratitude.

“Better? Now leave me alone, go make coffees, and talk with the customers.” She doesn’t bother to turn around to see the smile on my face because Hope is a rare type of human. Hope is blunt, strong with fearless attributes that make her intimidating, she isn’t straight forward loving like the rest of us but she does a good job being our friends in a weird way. Our partnership and friendship work well together.

I go into the front in time to see a guy probably in his late twenties staring at with a smile that shows me I’m going to get annoyed again.

“Well Hello.” His tone screams trouble.

“How can I help you?” I ask politely hoping this isn’t going to happen again.

“You know I’ll buy you more drinks if you wanna get out of here?”

“What can I get you?” I try to remain patient as he stares me up and down, his scanning eyes disgust me.

“How about a date?” This has always been a typical occurrence for me since I moved to San Francisco but as I got older I stopped having patience for it.

“Married.”  I lift my left hand letting that answer any question he thinks is okay to ask me.

“Nothing wrong with spicing up your love life with a little bit of me.” He winks at me like that will help his case.

“You can either order something or leave.”

“What’s wrong? You think your husband will try to kick my ass or something?”

“No but I think my wife.” Putting emphasis on ‘wife’ “Would kick your ass without any problem.” I hear a laugh come from the left side of me but I don’t stop glaring at this relentless asshole.

“Well I wouldn’t object to a threesome.”

“Good for you go find one.” I say looking over his shoulder, “Can I help you ma’am?”

“Uh can I have a-”

“One minute lady.” He cuts her off, “Listen go on a date with me bring your girl and I’ll treat her real nice and-” He doesn’t get to finish as I slam a muffin into his face, while hitting his nose as hard as possible instantly seeing blood.

“Here’s a muffin now leave.” I lean close whispering into his ear. “Come back and I’ll break it.”

“Ashlyn!” Hope sternly calls from the kitchen. I know by her voice that she thinks what I just did was wrong but I don’t care he was going to disrespect Kelley and I wouldn’t stand for it. He leaves holding his nose and cursing the entire way out.

“I’m sorry ma’am.” I clear my throat, “What can I get for you?”

“Uh just a coffee with cream and skim milk.”

“Coming right up.” I busy myself making her drink, trying not to let that asshole ruin my entire day. I hand her the drink and tell her it’s on the house as an apology for that display hoping she will return and not think I’m a psycho.

I go back to handing out orders and making drinks but my mind doesn’t shut off. I don’t care about the guy anymore but I stare at the ring that’s placed on my finger.

‘I miss you babe.’ I think to myself as I clean out one of the coffee filters. ‘He had it coming and I know you would’ve done the same like that one time with that guy at the beach.’ I laugh a little to myself at the memory. ‘You kicked that ball so hard at his face that he thought he had a concussion. God I miss you.’

“Excuse me?” Someone breaks through my thoughts to Kelley.

“What?” I say more aggressively then I had meant to. “I’m sorry what can I get you.” I say turning around.

“Not a muffin.” I turn around to see the kindest eyes looking back, brown eyes with kindness in them that it distracts me for a moment. There is so much depth to her eyes like they almost look sad that there’s a story behind them that no one knows. Despite her eye, her hands rose in the air but her smiles is bright and welcoming. Her smile is big causing her nose to crinkle up which is endearing to look at.

What are you doing? My mind yells at me.

“Oh uh sorry.” I shake my head trying to get out of my daze, embarrassed that I was staring. “What can I get for you?”

“Just a refill.” She laughs lightly.

“I’ll get on it.” I say grabbing her cup to pour her more coffee even though I don’t remember giving her coffee in the first place.

“Thank you.” She says taking the cup in her hands and blowing on the drink. “You have the best coffee here.”

“Glad you think so.” I try not to stare at her not wanting to seem like a creep but for some reason she looks familiar to me and I don’t know why.

“I was pretty impressed with the muffin bit.” She says after taking a sip of her coffee, “He deserved it.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.” I reply with a small smile.

“Maybe not but I’m sure it felt good.” She smiled brightly.

“Yeah it did.” I laugh lightly with her feeling better already.

“Well I should probably go do my job or something like that.” She says throwing money onto the counter. “Have a good day thanks for the coffee and free show.”

“Yeah you too.” I give her a small happy nod before she walks out the door and I question myself with what just happened.

*

“Dude get up.” I hear Tobin but I don’t open my eyes. “Get up Ashlyn!”

“Go away Tobin I just got done working twelve hours.” I groan wishing I locked my doors. “Leave me alone.”

“I want to go longboarding.”

“Then go.”  I feel my bed start to dip and then Tobin is lying on top of me.”Ugh get off.” I breathe out from the weight of her body compressing me into the bed. Tobin just lightly continues to tap on my forehead knowing it’s going to drive me crazy.

“Open those pretty little eyes of yours.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “You can do it.”

“I know I can do it Tobin but I don’t want to.” I try to roll over but she holds her ground and I’m just too tired to try to move so I open my eyes to see her staring right into mine.

“Come longboarding with me please.” Her eyes have the light to them and I know she isn’t going to leave me alone.

“Fine let me get ready.” I sigh trying to show my annoyance.

She smiles widely at me, bending down to kiss my nose, and hopping off my bed. “Easier than I thought.”

“Go grab my longboard it’s in-”

“Garage I know dude.” She laughs as she leaves the room.

Why can’t I ever just have a few seconds of alone time? I think to myself as I pull on my shoes.

*

I forgot how much I loved to longboard. Feeling the wind blow against me as I push down the road, swerving back and forth, coasting along enjoying the scenery San Francisco has to offer. Tobin and I grew up on skateboarding or longboarding but in more recent years I’ve enjoyed longboarding a lot more.

We would spend hours trying to learn tricks on the boards and just goof off with our longboards. Now we just enjoy the cruising together because it’s peaceful and as long as you avoid getting hit my cars it fun.

We longboard for a couple hours to a small beach we found a couple years back that not many people come to. We always longboard here to take a swim and cool off from the exercise we just put in.

“How’s everything going?” Tobin asks once were in the water.

“It’s good I guess.” I answer honestly, “What about you dude any luck with Lex?”

“Nope she still won’t start planning the wedding again.” Tobin blows out her breath, “I don’t think we will ever have a wedding.”

“She will come around.”

“How do you know?” She asks uncertainly.

“Because Kelley will make her have one and we both know it.” I say confidently knowing Kell has something up her sleeve.

“That is very true.” Tobin smiles up at the sky, floating in the water. “I miss her.”

“Every day.”

“Have you opened any of the stuff she gave you yet?”

“No not yet just hasn’t been the right time I guess.” We’re both quiet for a moment getting lost in our own thoughts.

“How is living with Kristie and Sydney?”

“Like living in a huge bubble of sexual tension.” I admit truthfully because since they moved in there has been a weird energy to them. They’re still themselves but there is that dynamic them where you know there is something there.

“Who do you think will cave first?”

“I don’t know honestly probably neither because they are both to stubborn or stupid to act on it. Kristie tried so I guess it would be in Sydney’s court but one of them will be married before the other decides to make a move.”

“Intervention?” Tobin suggest playfully.

“Nah I think it’s more entertaining to watch them pretend that they are just best friends.”

“That’s true.” Tobin laughs lightly before clearing her throat, “So Ash, are you doing okay?”

I take a moment to think about her question letting it weigh on me but I already know what my answer is. I just don’t know how to explain it to her.

“Sometimes I feel okay like the ache of missing Kelley dulls but I always feel alone. It’s been worse lately and I don’t know why. I have the café so I’m constantly surrounded by people and I have you guys which I’m so lucky for but I can’t help this loneliness I feel.”

“You never told me you felt lonely.”

“I just don’t know how to explain it because I don’t think anyone knows exactly how I feel.”

“I know but we are here to try and help you Ash.” She says looking at me with such determination, “I’m here for you, you’re never truly alone.”

“I know dude.” I know I wasn’t alone but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel lonely. I just don’t know how to fix it because I don’t think there is any way to fix the loneliness I feel. “I gotta head back I’m supposed to help them with the dinner rush.”

“Lex and I are going to come by later and grab some late dinner.”

“Alright sounds good let’s head back.”

*

The café always picked up on Friday nights so I always try to stop by and help Lauren and Hope when I can. We got through the dinner rush with ease before the night calmed down and we were left with a few tables of customers.

“That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” I turn to look at Lauren who looks exhausted.

“Speak for yourself Ash.” Lauren says her face lay back down on the table.

“Oh stop being dramatic.” I hit her with a dish towel as she pathetically tries to swat it away. “Go ahead and head out Lauren.”

“Really?”

“Yes really you look dead anyways.”

“Thank god! I owe you.” Lauren says standing up. “I have to meet Jrue to help move more stuff in anyways.”

“Well take a coffee for both of you.” I say handing her two cups of freshly brewed coffee. “You’re going to need it.”

“Thanks Ashlyn. Want me to open for you tomorrow so you can get some rest?”

“You would be okay with doing that?”

“Yeah I’ll come in at 5am and you can come in whenever you want.” Lauren shrugs smiling at me.

“That would be awesome dude thanks.” I smile at her thankful that I can finally sleep in for a day. Lauren was caring like that always willing to help out and it’s why we got along so well.

“Hey guys what is up?” Tobin says smiling at us with Alex in tow. “Chen dog hows it hanging?”

“It's good just heading out now actually.”

“What? Before you have to wait on my every need?” Tobin jokes and I see Alex tighten.

“I can’t be here all night.” Lauren jokes at how needy Tobin is when she is here.

“You still up for tennis later this week?” Tobin cocks her eyebrow in challenge.

“Ready to kick your ass whenever just text me the details.” Lauren grabs her purse heading out. “See ya Ash. Hope I’ll be here tomorrow.”

“See ya Cheney.” Tobin smiles putting her knuckle up for Lauren to pound it.

“Later Tobs.” She smiles at her before turning to Alex who is looking at her with an icy glare. “Bye Alex.”

“What the hell was that?” Alex turns to Tobin as soon as Lauren walks out of the café.

“What do you mean?” Tobin as always is confused by Alex’s jealously. Tobin and Alex have an amazing relationship despite that they both get extremely jealous at times.

“Why are you texting Lauren?”

“Because were friends?” Tobin shrugs which I know will just make Alex more pissed off.

“Since when did you get her number Tobin?” Alex presses angrily, “And why didn’t I know about it?”

“I stopped here for lunch one day, we got to talking, and I asked her if she wanted to play tennis so she gave me her number to text her.”

“Why do you need to play tennis with her and not me?”

“Because I can play tennis with more people than just you.” Tobin states her defense starting to rise. “You aren’t the only person I’m going to hang out with.”

“Obviously Tobin but I don’t go sneaking behind your back to do it.” Alex retorts back accusingly.

“Behind your back? Is that a joke?”

“Guys can you not cause a scene in my café right now.” I cut them off from their fighting. “Go sit down in the booth and I’ll bring your food over.”

They both walk over to the booth and immediately go into a heated battle with each other. They are like a high school couple sometimes it’s ridiculous.

“Hope can I get two orders of the spicy yogurt chicken.” I catch Hope’s attention as she sits in the back reading a book.

“Are you going to tell Alex that Lauren is straight and engaged?” Hope asks without looking up from her book.

“No I’m going to let them work it out on their own.” I laugh a little, “Plus it’s entertaining.”

“That’s cruel but I can’t say I don’t like it.” Hope gets busy making their dinners and I go back to helping the customers who come in for a late night coffee or dessert fix.

“Here.” Hope says as she hands me the plates. I walk over to Tobin and Alex who still look like they are angry with each other.

“Spicy yogurt chicken for the children.” I tease but neither of them making eye contact with me.

“How can you think that I’m cheating on you?”  Tobin says exasperated. Well this escalated quickly. “You know I love you.”

“I didn’t say you cheated I said it’s weird that you wouldn’t tell me about it.”

“Alex, Lauren is straight and engaged to a guy name Jrue.” I finally admit to them not wanting this conversation to go any further. “If you think Tobin would ever cheat on you then something is wrong in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Did you know this?” Alex turns to Tobin looking beet red with embarrassment.

“Doesn’t everyone?” Tobin looks at me like it was an obvious thing.

“Why did you say she was engaged to a guy?”

“I didn’t think I had to.” Tobin shrugs looking a little relieved, “Not everyone we hang out with has to be gay.” Tobin laughs at how embarrassed Alex looks.

“I feel like such an asshole.” Alex groans reaching to grab Tobin’s hand, “I’m sorry Tobin I know you wouldn’t cheat on me.”

“It’s okay babe now we can just go home and have make up sex.” Tobin winks knowing it’s going to cause a groan of disgust from me.

I walk back over to the counter to talk to Hope while Tobin and Alex spend the next half hour being a gross couple but she’s engulfed in her phone. The smile on Hopes face is one I have never seen before, her features are soft, her smile bigger then I usually see.

“Hope what are you looking at?” I ask her confused by the way she’s staring lovingly at her phone.

“Kristie just said-” She cuts off as soon as she realizes what she just confessed.

“When did you start texting Kristie?” I asked my eyebrows rose in complete surprise.

“Uh she called me randomly one night to help get Syd-”

“Wait why did she call you?” I cut her off surprised that Kristie would call one of us to help her with Sydney.

“Do you want me to tell you or not because I’m happy with not talking about it.”

“No no go ahead.”

“She called me one night because Sydney was super drunk and she needed help but she didn’t want to worry any of you. She texted me the next day and we have been talking since then.” Hope shrugged nonchalantly but it was more than that.

“What exactly do you talk about?”

“Things.”

“What kind of things?”

“Stuff.” Hope arches her eyebrow giving me a glare that tells me to stop prying.

I turn back around as I hear a customer come in and order a drink. I set to work making an espresso for the guy who came in. Hope and Kristie is all I think about while I make is drink and how strange it is that they’re texting. I hand him is drink and absentmindedly take his money. I hear the door chime again and in skips Sydney with Kristie of course following in tow.

I turn in time to see Hope coming to the window to begin preparing whatever it is Sydney and Kristie want.

“What’s up guys?” I smile at my new roommates who I honestly barely see since we’re all so busy.

“We’re starving we just got back from training.” Sydney says stretching before sitting down on the stools. “Ew, why are Alex and Tobin making out over there?”

“They had a fight.”

“Please send them home.”

“Oh they’re fine for now.” I turn to Kristie who is smiling goofily towards the window and of course when I look back, Hope is standing in the window smiling back. “Hey Kristie.”  I laugh as she jumps a little from breaking her moment with Hope.

“Hey Ash.” Kristie says looking embarrassed.

“How’s it going?” I smile playfully at her loving every second of this.

“Uh it’s good you?”

“Oh I’m awesome I’ve just been chatting with my pal Hope over there.” I give her a knowing look even though I don’t really know anything. The look on Kristie’s face is priceless. “Anyways what do you guys want?”

“Can I have the asparagus and smoked salmon salad?” Sydney decides after looking over the menu on the chalkboard.

“Make that two.” Kristie agrees.

I turn around to look at Hope who is glaring at me more than usual but I just smile at her mouthing that I wanted details.

We all spend the next hour talking about our days and just goofing around with each other. Alex and Tobin had long left after Sydney told them they needed to take it outside. The café died down so it was really just us in the café.

“So I think tomorrow we should all make dinner even though it isn’t Sunday.”

“I have to come in tomorrow to stock and take care of some stuff so I can’t.”

“Fine Kristie and I will have our own rendezvous at the house without you.” Sydney puts her arm around Kristie as she sticks her tongue at me.

“Actually I have plans.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Kristie sound so shy and hesitant.

“What are we doing?” Sydney asks clearly confused.

“Um Syd…” Kristie can’t formulate the words she wants to say and my amusement grows with each awkward second. “I kind of have, well you see I, I can’t hang out because, well because-”

“Because I asked her out on a date for tomorrow night.” A voice cuts through Kristie’s awkward ranting and the look on Sydney’s face has me bursting out laughing.

“What?”

“I asked Kristie out on a date and she said yes so what she is gracefully trying to say is she can’t hang out tomorrow.”

“You’re going on a date?” Sydney turns to Kristie looking completely lost, “With Hope?”

“Yeah.” Kristie smiles nervously.

“So Hope is taking you on a date?”

“Yeah Syd.” Kristie starts to gain more composure.

“Am I being pranked?” Sydney looks around the room dumbfounded.

“No.”

“You don’t like girls?” Sydney says it like a question which causes us all to laugh now.

“You are clueless.” I shake my head laughing, “How could you not know that?”

“Because she’s dated guys before.”

“So that doesn’t automatically mean she doesn’t like girls.” I counter.

“You didn’t tell me about Hope.”

“I wonder why.” I shake my head laughing at Sydney’s reaction.

“I’m standing right here so if this needs to be discussed maybe you can wait until you’re home.” Hope stares pointedly at Sydney who is still having difficulty wrapping her head around this.

“Come on Sydney lets go home.” Kristie smiles at me grabbing Sydney’s hand. “I’ll text you.” Kristie says to Hope who just smiles and nods.

“You guys text?!” I hear Sydney shout as they walk to their car.

“A date?” I turn my attention to Hope.

“I like her.” Hope shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“Where are you having it?”

“Here tomorrow and you’re going to cook for us.”

“I am?” I look at her with the biggest smirk on my face as her eyes tell me she isn’t going to ask for permission. “Fine but you aren’t getting paid for the hours I work for you.”

“Deal.”

“You’re going on a date with Kristie.” I shake my head laugh as she throws a piece of tomato at me.

“Shut up.”

*

Despite Lauren working for me early I still didn’t get to sleep in like I had planned.  I woke up from a dream, unconsciously reaching for the empty space next to me for comfort but not receiving any. The space next to me is signifying the loneliness that is creeping its way back.

‘You always knew how to make me feel safe babe, always made me feel wanted like I was never alone. I’m trying to feel like you’re here but you’re not and I’m alone. I’m so alone.’

I run my hand against her side of the bed, it is cold from being unused. I try my hardest to focus on the memory of her warmth next to me, feeling her arms wrapped around me, her hand stroking my arm unconsciously in the night, feeling her breathing against me as she slept peacefully, feeling her lips right before sleep took over or in the morning as the sun rose, but I cant. All I feel is the cold empty space where she should be.

‘God where are you Kelley.’ I whisper in the empty room. ‘You’re not here.’

I let my tears spill from my eyes as the loneliness engulfs me in the early morning.

‘Is this how it’s going to be from now on?’

*

The entire day my mind is in another place, I let myself go on autopilot because I can’t handle the feeling that won’t leave me. I talk to people all day, I smile along, and joke when they want but my body aches with missing Kelley. I miss that companionship that I desperately crave. I miss caring for someone on a level that no one else knows. I most importantly miss caring for someone the way I cared for Kelley. I miss Kelley.

The night creeps in eventually and Hope is suddenly standing next to me. Her hands wringing a dish towel nervously.

“You okay?” I ask her wondering why she is so antsy.

“Yeah I’m fine.” She clears her throat and puts down the dish towel.

“You know tonight is going to be fine?” I pat her shoulder lightly. “Kristie is going to have fun and you’re going to be fine.”

“And how do you know that?” Hope asks curiously.

“Because who couldn’t like you.” I squeeze her shoulder as Kristie walks in the door looking absolutely beautiful. Her hair is half up as the rest flows down her back and shoulders. The dress she is wearing showing off her amazing shoulders, and long legs. Kristie was a beautiful girl and I could tell by the way Hopes breath drew in quickly that she was thinking the same exact thing as me.

“Hey guys.” Kristie smiles brightly at us.

“You look hot girl.” I say without thinking as I get an elbow to the side from Hope and a laugh from Kristie.

“Thanks Ash.”

“You look really pretty.” Hope smiles almost shyly at Kristie. “Want to go grab a booth?”

“Of course.” She smiles at Hope who seems to relax under her smile.

“Lauren will stop over to get your orders in a second.” I smile at both of them before leaving them alone for their date.

I stand in the back as the dinner rush begins and get carried away in making food for everyone else. My mind is on overdrive as I place order after order of meals into the window for Lauren to serve.  I find myself enjoying the constant movement of making dishes because it’s a welcomed distraction. Its three hours later and the dinner rush is over so I move upfront to entertain myself with Lauren who is restacking plates and cups that she brought from the dishwasher.

“They’re having an awesome time.” Lauren points her head towards Kristie and Hope who are still sitting there talking animatedly. Hope reaches over to gently place her hand on Kristie’s.

“I never thought I would see Hope Solo on a date.”

“With Kristie nonetheless.”

“Kristie would be good for Hope and I think Hope would bring an exciting twist to Kristie.” I smile at how weirdly but perfectly they would work together. Hope is blunt and straightforward where Kristie is funny and caring but is a spitfire. I think they would work really well together.

“Yeah but what about Sydney?” Lauren mentions her and it’s the first time I think about Sydney in that context.

“Sydney waited too long.” I look at her with a shrug, “Kristie has been waiting years, she even made a move, and Sydney did nothing about it. Kristie can’t wait forever for her to realize she likes her.”

“Well I feel bad for when she does because she is missing out on something amazing.”

“How was moving?”

“It went really smoothly actually we did it in record time last night.”

“If you want to get out of here and enjoy your new home I can take over.”

“Thanks Ashlyn.” Lauren smiles at me. “You sure there isn’t anything else I can help you with?”

“No you’re free to go it will be pretty slow for the rest of the night.”

“Want me to help Hope grab the stuff from the market tomorrow. You look like you could use some sleep.”

“Yeah that sounds good.” I smile at her offer.

Lauren says goodnight and heads out of the door as I busy myself with stocking some of the shipment that came in like flour, sugar, and all the baked stuff. Hope and I take turns getting all the fresh ingredients which we will both do tomorrow morning.

I’m working on the tips that we made for the night as I figure out everyone’s share when I hear the ding of the door. I don’t look up until I finish counting not wanting to mess up.

I finally finish counting and look up to see the customer smiling back at me. Her eyes shine even in the dimly lit café, that crinkle in her nose would bring happiness to any looking at her, and I find myself staring at her again.

“Well hello again.” Her voice is beautiful, velvety, and smooth.

“Hi. What can I get you tonight?” I smile back at her feeling shy.

“I am in dire need of a coffee so I’ll start with that.”

“Same thing as last time?” She nods happily and I turn to busy myself in making her coffee. There is something so familiar about her but I cannot put my finger on it.

“This coffee is the best coffee in town I swear.” She says after taking a long sip of her drink.

“Well thank you I try really hard to get the best kind.”

“Where do you get it?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Ah of course it is.” She laughs lightly, why is her laugh so contagious?

“Did you want anything else?”

“I’m actually starving.” She says as she scans the board for a while, “What do you suggest?”

“Right now I like the Sweet Potato Quiche.” I say telling her my favorite dish at the moment.

“What is in it?” She looks back at me and asks.

“Stuff.” I shrug jokingly. Her laugh stirs a feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in a long time, a feeling that I can’t exactly recall.

“You sold me.” I go back into the kitchen and cut her a piece of the sweet potato quiche from the warming oven and bring it out to her.

She takes a bite, chewing very slowly before taking another bite, and I feel myself nervously waiting to see if she likes it. She takes another bite into the quiche and finally makes a sound of contentment.

“This is amazing.” She says after swallowing. “I like the bacon in it and maple syrup is it?”

“Yeah we wanted something sweet in it to match the savoryness of the cheese we use.”

“Well it’s delicious.” She puts another spoonful in her mouth, “This is exactly what I needed after the day I just had.”

“Rough day?”

“Something like that.” She says thoughtfully.

“You know you look really familiar.” I blurt out after a few moments of silence.

“And why do you think that is?” She asked me looking a little hesitant.

“I’m not sure but you just do.” I tilt my head staring at her trying to piece it together.

“Well I played for the United States Women’s National Soccer Team for a couple of years.” She says trying to help me figure it out and then I realize that, that could be why. “We won a gold medal in the 2008 Olympics.”

“Really? That is most definitely why I recognize you.” I say excitedly loving women’s soccer and how far it’s come. “I use to play at UNC but never moved up from there but that’s sick. Wow a gold medalist in my café, I’m honored. Do you still play because you guys did win another gold in 2012?”

“No I stopped playing after the 2008 Olympics.”

“Why is that?”

“Personal reasons but now I work for a small PR firm.” She shrugs it all off like it’s no big deal but I can see something in her eyes that tells me to let it go.

“Well I’m sure that is just as thrilling.” I say grabbing her empty plate from her, “You want any dessert?”

“You can never say no to dessert.” She smiles at me looking relieved for the subject change. I hand her a piece of chocolate cake that Hope had made and busy myself with the small things I had to get done.

When I look up I see Hope and Kristie standing up and heading my way.

“Here.” Hope tries to hand me cash but I reject it.

“You don’t have to pay.” I smile at them, “What are you guys up to now?”

“We’re heading to my place to hang out for a bit more.” Hope says nonchalantly but I see the shyness in Kristie again.

“Well have fun I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Lauren is helping you tomorrow so she will meet you at the market.”

“Sounds good.” Hope says as she leads Kristie out of the store, her hand never leaving Kristie’s back.

“First date?” I hear the girl ask me after they walk out.

“Yeah is it that obvious?”

“Yeah the younger girl shows it.” She smiles at me and I know I would never be able to get use to that smile. “Well I better head home and get some sleep thanks for the food.” She hangs the sentence in the air waiting for me to tell her my name.

“Ashlyn O'Hara.”

“Well thank you Ashlyn O'Hara.” She stands to leave after putting money on the counter.

“And your name?” I ask her as she starts to turn around.

“Alexandra Krieger but you can call me Ali.” That nose crinkle.

“It’s nice to see you again Ali.” I smile not being able to contain myself and as I watch her walk away I can’t help but feel guilt.

*

Another sleepless night feeling guilty about the way I looked at Ali, Ali she felt like a mystery to me one that I shouldn’t want to know about. I twist the ring on my ring finger that I refuse to take off.

My thoughts wander to Kelley like always wishing she was here to talk to like I use to do when I couldn’t sleep, but now I stare at the empty space next to me the loneliness taking over once again.

I stand up, going to our closet, pulling out Kelley’s old Stanford hoodie wanting to be closer to her. The hoodie still smells like her, and I breathe it in wanting nothing more than to have her here with me.

I walk over to her dresser, running my hand along her belongings that I can’t get rid of. I pick up her perfume missing the smell of it when I use to hold her close.

‘God I need you here.’

I see the box in the corner of our room feeling desperate for some sort of comfort and relief. When I open the box I scan the labels on them looking for anything to save me from this feeling.

_When you feel alone._

I open the box slowly and pull the note inside of it out.

_My love,_

_There is no greater companionship than a companionship with your dog. He will be true to you, he will stand by you, and he will love you unconditionally. He will never let you feel alone, he will never betray you, he will stay up with you when you can't sleep, he will protect you, and he will always need you in return._

_Rescue a dog from a shelter and hopefully in return he will rescue you._

_Plus you promised._

_I love you,_

_Kelley._

I reread the letter, letting my mind drift off to the memory of Kelley and I.

*

“We’re going in here Ashlyn.” She says stubbornly pulling me along into the store.

“Why do you do this every time we find a pet store?”

“Because I love them.” She immediately goes straight to the dogs to torture herself like always. “Oh my god Ashlyn this dog is so cute look at him.”

I look at the tiny puppy who is hopping around with its front paws playing with the blanket in its cage. He is adorable but I already know the outcome that this is going to bring.

“Yeah he is very cute Kell.”

“We have to get him.” She looks at me pleadingly.

“You know that we can’t Kelley.” I sigh knowing that I’m about to have a very angry Kelley on my hands. “We just bought a house, we need to get settled in first, and we don’t have time for a puppy.”

“I can make time.” She says pouting, “Please babe I really want a puppy.”

“No Kelley we can’t take care of a puppy right now.”

“Yes we can you won’t even give me a chance.” She grabs my hand bringing it to her lips to tempt me, “Please babe.”

“No.”

She steps closer to me kissing me lightly, looking up to see if I changed my mind and when I didn’t she kissed me again but deeper. She usually got her way when she did this but I was keeping my answer.

“Kelley no.” I say softly knowing how angry she is going to be and she was. She looked at me like a kid who just got their favorite toy taken away. She pushed past me and out the door to sit in the car. She pouted the entire way home and when we got home shutting our bedroom door loudly.

Kelley never usually gets mad but when she does I know to give her space. I walk into our bedroom after a half an hour of waiting. When I open the door Kelley is laying on her stomach facing away from me.

“Kelley.” I say softly as I lay next to her propping myself on my elbow, “Don’t be mad at me babe.” I say rubbing my hand on her back.

“I want a puppy.” She says sadly sounding like such a kid.

“I know but we both know we can’t handle one right now. We just bought this house and it’s barely livable with our stuff everywhere in boxes.” Kelley turns on her back so she's facing me.

“I just really wanted a puppy. You know I have wanted one since I moved out here.” She sighs sadly at me and I almost start to take back my decision.

“One day.” I say placing my hand on her stomach, “One day I’ll get you a dog but right now we just can’t do it.”

“Can I name him?” She looks up with me with sad eyes but I know she isn’t mad at me anymore.

“Of course you can.” I smile at her, “Any name you want and we will bring him everywhere with us.”

“Do you promise we can get a dog?” She stares intently at me holding her pinky in the air for me to wrap my own around.

“I promise.” I say sealing it with a kiss.

*

I put the note down, picking up the small collar that’s in the box, its blue with a name tag on it. The name scripted into it is K.O. I can’t help but laugh because of course she named the dog after herself.

‘KO’ I smile to myself as I get up to get ready and shower.

After I get ready I drive to the rescue center to look at the dogs. A lady at the center who told me to call her Mitts showed me around all the dogs telling me their stories.

“This one right here is an Australian Cattle dog we found him behind an old warehouse. He had brothers and sisters but most of them had died when we found them. He was all alone, sick, and starving but he was a fighter. He’s only about a month or two.”

This dog was light grey with black spots all over his fur, brown paws that were spotted with white, one patch of fur around his eye was grey and spotted while the other was completely black, and had completely black ears. He was adorable and I instantly fell in love.

“Kelley would love this dog.” I admit out loud.

“Who is that?”

“My wife.” I turn to her my eyes filling with emotion, “She passed away almost nine months ago and always wanted a dog. I promised her I would get her one but I never had a chance. I just want to keep that promise.”

“I think she would be very happy with your decision then.” She smiled warmly at me, “Would you like to hold him?”

“Yes.” I smiled as she went into the cage and brought him to me. I held him in my arms, as he happily sniffed me, and started licking my hand as I tried to pet him. “You’re adorable.”

“He is very cuddly and loving.”

“I can tell.” I laugh as he continues his licking assault on me. I realize in this moment that he is exactly what I need. I want the companionship this dog is going to bring me and the safety I already feel with him, “I want him. What do I have to do to get him?”

“Follow me and we will fill out the paperwork.” Mitts smiled at me knowingly.

*

A couple hours later after grabbing all the necessary things I needed for KO I drive to the café. I look into the café door and see all of my friends sitting there in their usual spots talking animatedly with each other. The café is slow so I have no problem opening the door, standing there, grinning wider than I have in months.

“Guys.” I pronounce to the group and they all look at me surprise spreading through each of their features.

“No you didn’t.”

“Oh my god he is adorable.”

“When did you get him?”

Alex and Tobin stand up first walking over to me to pet KO. Alex looks at me smiling and I know she knows exactly why I got him.

“Dude he is chill.” Tobin smiles petting his face, “Welcome to the fam little man.”

“Did she tell you to get him?” Alex asks softly still staring at me.

“Yeah she did.” I smile widely, “Always taking care of me.”

“I think he fits you perfectly.” Alex squeezes my arm. “What is his name?”

“She named him KO.” I smile widely at them as their loving eyes stare into mine and they know then that she named the dog after herself. That Kelley O’Hara is a part of this dog, that she is still with us, and that I’m not alone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's perspective

“What are you doing out here?” I ask Alex as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. Alex is rarely ever in bed when I wake up anymore, always up sitting outside reading a journal she has kept since high school.

“Just reading couldn’t really sleep.” Alex smiles sadly up at me.

“What are you reading?” I ask her wondering what part of her life she is reliving in her head.

“Kelley and I had just had our senior prom such a nightmare.” Alex laughs to herself. “Our dates were beyond charming.”

“So awful?”

“Oh the worst.” Her laugh is raspy, cute, and full of energy thinking about her past with Kelley.

“I love when you laugh.” I smile at Alex leaning in to kiss her. “Will you come to bed?”

“I’m not tired.” Alex eyes tell otherwise but I know she is missing Kelley more today because she only comes out here to read when she’s overwhelmed with the loss of Kelley.

“I know you aren’t but come lay with me anyways?” I grab her hand pulling her up before she can say no, bringing her lips to meet mine. “Please.”’

“Okay but we’re cuddling.”

“Is that before or after we have sex?” I ask teasingly, pulling her closer to me.

“Who said we were having sex?”

“Oh I just figured it implied so I was just seeing if we were before or after.” I smile at Alex who stares at me with a playfully scolding look.

She kisses me on the cheek before walking to the door, turning to me with an impish smile.

“Mmm both.”

*

“Hello hello.” I call out to Lauren and Ashlyn who were busy making drinks and taking orders from customers during the busy rush of people taking their lunch breaks.

“Whats up dude?”Ashlyn smiles quickly before pouring another cup of coffee.

“Not much just longboarding around.” I shrug waiting for Ashlyn to finish her order. It’s towards the end of the lunch rush so she will be done soon.

“Don’t you have a job or something?” Lauren turns to me.

“Yeah but I don’t have practice until tonight thank you very much.” I stick my tongue out at her but she just laughs.

I am the director of a recreation center which is actually a sweet deal because I get to coach club soccer for little girls. I have lenient hours that allow me to chill when I want but I love my job so I don’t mind spending time there.

The lunch rush finally dies down and Ashlyn brings me over a sandwich that Hope had made and sat down on the stool opposite of me.

“How’s it going man?” She asks taking a drink of her water.

“It’s going, I had to have a board meeting earlier all figures and boring stuff. I swear if I could just go back to playing soccer all day I would.”

“I know what you mean.” She yawns. “How’s Lex?”

“Good.” I shrug.

“What you don’t know?” Ashlyn laughs dubiously.

“She still isn’t sleeping, still won’t remarry me, but she is still her stubbornly adorable self.”

“Well once you get that house up and running we will all get together, we need a family event.”

“Truth.”

I take a bite of my sandwich when I hear the clinging of the door open, I look up but don’t know who it is so I go back to eating.

“Hey Ashlyn.” The girl’s voice rings through my ears, her voice is light, which seems strange to me.

“Hey what can I get you?” I hear something in Ashlyn’s voice that I haven’t heard in almost a year. I look up to see her broaden smile, her dimple showing, and her eyes with life in them again.

“Just a coffee and bagel today.” Who is this girl?

“You know if you keep coming here I minus well just hire you to work, you’re here more than my employees.” Ashlyn teases the girl.

“What can I say I’m obsessed with the food.”

“Is that all your obsessed with?” I hear Hope through the kitchen window smirking at the girl.

“Hello to you too Hope and you’re right I’m also obsessed with the coffee.”

“Not the great service?” Hope arches an eyebrow. Maybe this girl is one of Hope’s friends.

“No the service is mediocre.”

“That hurt.” Ashlyn laughs handing her the coffee she had just brewed.

“Just trying to help you guys out.” She shrugs, blowing on her coffee to cool it off. I catch Ashlyn staring at her with intrigue and happiness.

“Well thanks I will keep that in mind. How did your event go?” Ashlyn asks as she starts to make her a coffee.

“It had some minor hiccups but nothing big.”

“That’s good to hear.” Ashlyn smiles again at the girl with that same dopey smile on her face. “See you worried for nothing.”

“Hello.” I hear my voice break in between them, startling both of them out of their stares. Ashlyn jumps a little forgetting that I had been sitting there but she recovers quickly, looking at me guiltily.

“Ali this is my best friend Tobin.” Ashlyn introduces us, the girl smiles warmly, her eyes brown with a sparkle to them that makes me feel safe. Is that how Ashlyn feels?

“It’s nice to meet you.” Ali extends her hand to me, I take it continuing to stare at her in disbelief.

“Tobin wanna stop staring?” Ashlyn tries to break me out of my concentration but the look they were giving each other was one I have seen a million times but from another girl, a girl who isn’t here anymore.

“Excuse me I’m sorry.” I shake my head trying not to make this awkward but I can already tell the girl feels uncomfortable under my stare.

“It’s okay anyways I better get back to work.” She smiles but her nose doesn’t crinkle with it this time. “It was nice to meet you Tobin, Ashlyn.” She nods her head before walking out. “Bye Hope.”

“Who the hell was that?”

“She’s a customer.” Ashlyn shrugs taking her seat again.

“Then why were you looking at her like that?”

“Looking at her how?”

“Like how you use to look at-” I stop myself as I see the look in Ashlyn’s eyes darken, “Like you’re friends.”

“She comes in a lot it’s not a big deal.” Ashlyn stands abruptly. “I have to get back to work.”

“Alright I’ll see ya.” I stand up to leave with a feeling of complete disbelief and confusion.

*

“Wake up Tobin.” I feel Alex’s weight on me before she even speaks.

“Why can’t you be a normal human and sleep.” I groan into my pillow as Alex pushes on my back.

“We have been sleeping for the past four hours and its twelve so get up and let’s unpack more.”

“Why did we buy a house? There is just too much stuff.” I do not feel like unpacking on my day off. “It’s my day off.”

“Stop acting like coaching soccer and sitting at a desk talking to people is so hard.” She has a point I mean the club team I created for young girls is super successful but it’s not a hard job either is the director’s position because the rest of the staff handle most of it. I actually love it.

“Fine lets unpack but I need coffee and pancakes or I’m not opening a single box.” I negotiate my requirements.

“That’s fine just get up and make some.” She slaps my butt leaving the room.

I get up slowly making a bowl of cereal and coffee which is mediocre now that I’ve tried Ashlyn’s coffee at her café.

I set to work open box after box of all of our stuff we had in storage when we were living with Ashlyn. I get through putting away the rest of the kitchen stuff when Ashlyn and Sydney barge into the house.

“Will someone please tell me why Kristie didn’t come home last night?” Sydney storms into the kitchen staring at me angrily.

“Uh because she stayed somewhere else?” I don’t really know what to say but I know if I didn’t answer Sydney would be madder.

“What’s going on?” Alex asks confused coming from the spare bedroom.

“Kristie is on a downward spiral.” Sydney has her hands on her hips, looking like an extreme diva.

“How?”

“Oh Sydney is mad because Kristie didn’t come home last night.” Ashlyn says holding a container of four coffees.

“Is that coffee?” I ask staring at the cups. I’m addicted and I’m not ashamed.

“Here Tobs.” Ashlyn laughs handing me my coffee which I happily take. Ashlyn isn’t mad at me for yesterday and I’m grateful for how easy she can be.

“Lex you want yours?”

“Yes please. Our coffee is shit compared to this.” Alex smiles at Ashlyn.

“Hello? Does no one care that Kristie spent the night at Hopes lastnight.” Sydney shouts to all of us looking frustrated.

“No Sydney.” Ashlyn responds, “She can do whatever she wants.”

“Hopes safe it’s not like she is in danger, she’s an adult.” Alex agrees.

“I think Hope is so chill.”

“This is not okay and she didn’t even tell me she wasn’t coming home.” Sydney continues to fume.

“Why do you care so much Sydney?” Alex questions her suspiciously.

“Because she’s my best friend.”

“Are you sure that’s why?” I ask.

“Why else would I be mad?”

“Why would you be mad in the first place?” Ashlyn continues our interrogation.

“Like I said she didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming home.”

“Does she have to tell you she is coming home?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to know.”

“For what reasons?”

“Do I need any?”

“I don’t know do you?”

“Are you guys trying to tell me something?”

“I don’t know are you trying to tell us something?”

I can’t help but laugh at how our conversation is going because the more we push Sydney into telling us she likes Kristie the more frustrated she gets.

“If we’re going to do this then can we at least finish opening these last few boxes please?” I ask and everyone grudgingly obliges.

Ashlyn was going through a box when she finally sat back holding the framed photos in her hand. They were various pictures of all of us together, the one she is holding is of her and Kelley on their wedding day. We had all taken a picture together after our maid of honor speeches.

I watch as Ashlyn slowly traces her finger on the picture, her face is soft, sad eyes but a small smile on her face. She is lost in the photo and I get lost staring at her, looking so longingly at the picture of Kelley. I shouldn’t of questioned Ashlyn’s look yesterday, I guess the look in her eyes seemed like the look in her eyes now and it freaked me out to think about Ashlyn ever with someone who wasn’t our freckled best friend.

I get up and sit next to Ashlyn who still continues to stare at the picture.

“She’s beautiful.” I say coaxing Ashlyn back into our reality.

“I never got use to how beautiful she was.” Ashlyn laughs a little, “She could be in grungy clothes, her hair up in a bun, with no makeup and she would still be the prettiest girl in the room.”

“So every day?” I tease at how Kelley was always in sports clothes ready for any adventure she had in store for us.

“What I would give up to see that face again.” I don’t think Ashlyn meant to say it out loud. My chest tightens at her confession because Ashlyn rarely talks about how she misses Kell. She tries to be strong for us.

“I knowAshlyn, me too.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder as she sinks into it continuing to stare at the picture.

It’s unfair that Kelley was taken from us.

*

Ashlyn stays for a couple of hours but she is distant lost in her own thoughts and ends up leaving to go hang out with KO and Sydney had to meet Kristie at the gym for an appointment.

“Two more boxes.” Alex says the exhaustion evident in her voice.

I take the box from her and start unloading the rest of my clothes that I packed up from Ashlyn's house. I pull them out putting them into my designated dresser as Alex does her own.

When I pull out a second stack of clothes I look down to see the bible I’ve had since I was in high school. The worn leather, tattered and faded in areas, I know it’s filled with all of my thoughts throughout each page.

This bible use to bring me comfort, safety, peace, and happiness but when I look at it all I see is a bible filled with the man who stole Kelley from us.

I throw the bible in the trash not wanting to look at it because all I feel is rage.

“Tobin what are you doing?” Alex says grabbing the bible from the garbage.

“Throw it away Alex I don’t want that in our house.”

“You can’t throw this away Tobin it’s your bible.” Alex tries to hand me the bible but I step back not wanting to touch it or look at it.

“Throw it away Alex now.” My voice is stern, scary even but Alex doesn’t budge.

“No you can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what Alex? Trying to move on?”

“No being angry with God.”

“I am angry with God.” I say stepping towards her feeling the anger rising inside of me that I have been trying so hard to suppress, “God took Kelley away from us. I hate him and I hate that I was so naïve hiding behind that fucking bible.”

“You believed in this before and you believed that God did things for a reason, you can’t hate him because something bad happened Tobin.”

“Something bad?” I laugh maliciously at how simple she just made Kelley’s death seem, “Our fucking best friend died, she was in pain and weak then just died, we watched every single one of us fall apart so it wasn’t just a ‘bad thing’ it ruined our fucking lives.” I scream at her.

“I know that Tobin but she wouldn’t want you to give up your faith for it.” Alex’s eyes are filled with tears, her voice radiating her disappointment.

“Stop acting like you have to save me.” I yell not wanting to see the disappointment rolling off of Alex or the sadness.

“Kelley would’ve-”

“We couldn’t save her.” I yell in Alex’s face, she flinches away from me like I was going to physically hurt her too, “We couldn’t fucking save Kelley, God couldn’t save Kelley, so I don’t want to be saved!” I grab the bible from her hand and throw it in the garbage.

She doesn’t hide the tears or the way her shoulders shake as she holds her mouth trying to stop the sobs. It’s too much to bear so I leave.

I grab my phone from my pocket telling Ashlyn that she needs to come to the house for Alex. I don’t want her alone but I can’t be here.

Then I drive and I don’t stop driving until the suffocating feeling starts to leave my chest.

*

I end up at the lookout point Kelley took me to months ago when she wanted to help me forgive God.

I sit there for hours staring out at the open space below me, there are tons of lives down there, living their lives peacefully, some with heartache and some with none.

Kelley told me that this place gave her perspective that I made her realize that as long as you believe in something then things won’t seem so bad, but they are bad.

“Kelley.” I say her name and let it hang in the air. “God.” I let his name hang in the air but there is no response from either because they aren’t here.

“Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I shake my head wiping the tears from my eyes, “I guess this didn’t apply to Kelley?”

How do I accept that God took her away? I don’t know how to forgive you God and I don’t think I want to. Everyone may be your children but Kelley was ours and you took her from us. You stole a part of my happiness that I’ll never get back. I had undying faith in your but I can’t now.

I drive to the café not knowing where to go but knowing no one will be there besides Lauren and Hope. When I get there Lauren is reading a book and Hope is in the back getting things ready for tomorrow.

“Hey Tobin how’s it going?”

“I’ve had better. Do you think I can get a coffee?”

“Coffee heals the soul.” Lauren says when she comes back with a mug and a muffin.

“Well then consider it my new best friend.” I say taking a sip of the warm liquid.

“So wanna tell me about your rough day?” Lauren and I have gotten pretty close over the past couple of months. Lauren and I have a lot of qualities that go together. She is easy to talk to and I know I’ll be getting scolded by Ashlyn when I get back so I tell Lauren what happened earlier knowing she won’t be hard on me.

“Alex and I got in a pretty bad fight because I threw my bible away today.”

“Ah right.” Lauren nods in understanding, “Well no one can force you to love God again but is your life better without him in it?”

“I don’t know.” I don’t know the answer to her question because no matter what if God is in my life or not, Kelley isn’t.

“Well I guess that is something you will have to figure out.” Lauren takes a piece of my muffin and pops it into her mouth.

“I really hurt Alex.” I sigh hating myself for earlier.

“She loves you and she knows you’re hurting. I think she just worries about you but everyone does.”

“Everyone expects me to be okay with God but I just cant.”

“This isn’t something you can do just because they want you to.” Lauren doesn’t tell me what she expects from me and it eases me to talk to her about it.

“I’m so angry with him.”

“Why?”

“Because he took Kelley.” I surprise myself when I open up that much to Lauren but Lauren is caring and easy to talk to and I need to talk about it.

“One thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that blaming people for awful things is never going to make them better. Forgiveness brings peace not hate.”

“What if the thing they do is unforgivable?”

“At one point you trusted and believed God did amazing things so think to yourself. Would God really purposefully do anything to hurt you?”

Laurens words stick with me but I’m too tired to think about it, too drained from everything.

“I better head home.” I say goodbye and head home to the two people who I know are waiting for me.

*

I open the door quietly in case anyone is asleep but Ashlyn is sitting on the stool at the island when I walk past the kitchen. Her face is sullen and I can already tell she’s pissed which I knew she would be but not this angry.

She looks up but doesn’t say anything just stares at me with this look in her eyes that I’ve never seen.

I stand across from her on the other side of the island, feeling like a kid who is about to be scolded.

“Alex isn’t here.”

“Where is she?”

“Sydney and Kristie came to get her to take her to dinner so she wasn’t stuck in this house worrying about her wife.” Ashlyn’s voice is even but her face shows the anger she’s feeling.

“You don’t understand.”

“No clearly I don’t because I don’t understand how you could walk out on Alex like that.”

“You didn’t see the way she was looking at me.” I can feel myself shaking, “You didn’t see the look in her eyes or hear the disappointment in her voice. I can’t be the person she wants me to be.”

“Yes you can but you’re too filled with hate to see it.” Ashlyn’s glare remains on me as I fight with myself not to lash out.

“You guys keep trying to force this on me and I don’t want it.” I huff out in frustration.

“Kelley would’ve never wanted this for you.”

“Yeah well Kelley isn’t here Ashlyn.” I didn’t mean to say it but the words flow out becoming irreversible.

Ashlyn walks around the island my mind immediately flashing back to the last time we fought.

I close my eyes because for some reason I feel like it will lessen the blow, but it never comes. I feel both of Ashlyn’s hands on the side of my face. When I open my eyes, my vision is blurred by fresh tears.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t save her.” Ashlyn’s voice is filled with conviction. “There was nothing we could do but be there for her and love her, we did that Tobin.”

“I’m so mad Ashlyn.” My sobs come out staggered as I ball up fists of Ashlyn’s t-shirt.

“I know.” Ashlyn kisses my forehead before wrapping her arms around me, holding me there, grounding me from the overwhelming feelings. “She wouldn’t want this for you, she wouldn’t want you to feel so much anger.”

“I can’t help it.” I inhale slowly trying to calm my breathing, “I didn’t mean to lash out at Alex.”

“We know but Alex is hurting too she is just coping with it in a different way.”

“I just look around at all of us and everyone is still so broken. He isn’t with any of us.”

“You know I thank God everyday that I have such an amazing group of friends and family because without you guys I don’t know where I would be. You need to get some perspective kid.” Ashlyn nudges my jaw line with her knuckles.

“How do you live without her?”

“I live for her.” Ashlyn shrugs, “I was blessed enough to have found her even if it was only for a short time. Kelley changed my life, she changed me, and I can only be grateful for that.”

I saw the clarity in Ashlyn’s eyes, there was pain present in them but clarity about Kelley. She loved Kelley more than anyone can love a person and she had that taken from her, but here she is standing in front of me telling me to not be bitter.

“Who are you and where is my immature Ashlyn?” I smile at her for being here for me.

“Oh I’m still immature just not as much as you.” She wraps her arm tightly around me. “Now let’s go get your girl.”

“Thank you Ashlyn.”

“You’re welcome Tobs I love ya man.”

“You know Kelley was lucky to have you for the last four years.”

“She was lucky to have all of us.”

*

We don’t have to get Alex because she walks in the door as Ashlyn and I were coming out of the kitchen. She doesn’t meet my gaze, Ashlyn looks at me giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze, going up to Alex kissing her cheek before saying goodnight and leaving.

“Alex.” I say her name trying to get her to look at me but when she does her eyes are filled with tears and anger. I immediately feel deflated and ashamed of how I’ve been acting. “Alex I’m sorry babe.”

She shakes her head at me, walking past me and outside. I deserve that, I deserve the anger she feels towards me because I’ve been throwing all of mine on her. I give her time to cool off before making my way outside again. I grab a chair, moving it in front of her so I can face her properly.

“Alex.” I grab her hand, surprised that she doesn’t pull it away but she doesn’t look at me. She still has tears on her cheeks, I move my other hand to wipe them away.

“I feel like I don’t know you anymore.” Her words hit me hard. “You’re not you anymore.”

“I know I haven’t been myself, I know you deserve more then what I’ve been giving you, and I’m sorry for yelling at you today.”

“Sometimes when I look into your eyes I see a different person.” Her words are choked, her voice threatening another round of tears. “I didn’t know I was going to lose both of you.”

I sit back feeling stunned by the impact of her words. She looks at me now, her eyes expressing so much hurt and confusion. I’ve been so blind.

“You haven’t lost me.” I kneel in front of her chair, grabbing both hands now. “I’m so sorry I’ve been so angry lately but I promise you I’m not going to bottle it up and explode at you anymore. I love you Alex and I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“I am afraid of you.” She sniffs, “You scare me when you get angry like that, and I’m not use to that Tobin yet.”

“You don’t have to get use to that side okay? I’m going to be better for you, I’m going to try.”

“I miss you Tobin.”

“I know Lex.” I say bringing up her from her chair to hug me. “It will be better.”

“I can’t lose you both.” I squeeze her tighter, “I need you.”

“I’m here.” I kiss her wanting to prove to her that I want to be okay.

‘Kelley help me be okay.’

*

I walk into the café to grab a late lunch, Ashlyn and Hope are sitting at the counter looking for inventory.

“What’s up my dudes?” I take the stool in front of them.

“Going over inventory to see what we need to order today.” Ashlyn’s eyebrow is furrowed being deep in thought.

“Boring.” I complain to them as Hope hands me a coffee to shut me up. “Ashlyn I was thinking we could take the boat out this weekend it’s supposed to be super nice want to Sunday?”

“Yeah we can do that after I go to Jrue’s sermon.” I didn’t know Jrue was having a sermon.

“I didn’t know Jrue did that.” I never heard about it at least.

“Yeah it’s his first one at their church this Sunday.” She shrugs continuing to figure out her figures.

It’s been a couple of weeks since Alex and I fought and I’ve been doing really well. I haven’t felt angry and no one has pushed me towards God but I figured Lauren would’ve told me about Jrue preaching at their church.

“Hey guys.” Kristie is walking up to us, she must’ve just gotten done training.

“What’s up Mewis?”

“Not much just got done a session with a client.” She leans over the counter, kissing Hope. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Hope smiles warmly at her. I don’t think I will ever get use to those two dating but they both look so happy together. “Do you want to hang out tonight after work?”

“Yeah your place?”

“Yeah that’ll work.” They always hang out at Hopes because I think they know how weirded out Sydney is about them hanging out.

“Where is KO?” Ashlyn asks Kristie.

“At home still.” She looks at her phone that’s buzzing, “Sydney says she let him out and put him back in his kennel.”

“I feel bad for the little guy always being in there.” Ashlyn sighs, she works so much and she can’t leave him out.

“I’ll go get him, take him long boarding with me, maybe we will hit up the beach.” I offer Ashlyn wanting to help her out the way she always has for me.

“That would be great dude.” Ashlyn smiles, “His leash is on the hook by the door.”

“Alright later dudes.”

I long board to Ashlyn’s house to get KO, who is sound asleep in his crate. He really is the cutest dog I’ve seen and for some reason all of his spots remind me of Kelley’s freckles.

“Hey little guy.” I coo as I open the crate door picking him up, “Did you have a nice nap?”

He yawns and his puppy breath fills my nostrils, he starts licking me where ever he can, he has so much energy and love to give.

“Alright alright let’s go.” I laugh bringing him outside with me.

I long board with him for a little while before his puppy legs become too tired and I have to carry him the rest of the way. We get to the beach, and he plays in the sand chewing on sticks as we play catch. I take him to the edge of the water but whenever a wave comes too close he runs in the opposite direction barking. I spend the next hour trying to acclimate him to the water and not be afraid. He becomes a little water dog in no time.

I pick up my long board, bringing him to my house not wanting to part with him just yet. His energy and innocence reminds me of the good in the world. I change out of my wet clothes, giving him a bath to clean off all the sand, he bites at the water running out of the faucet. I laugh because he is such a goofy little guy, he reminds me so much of Kelley in this moment.

I dry him off, holding him on the couch, and it only takes him a moment to fall asleep in my arms. I can feel myself drifting off into sleep as well.

*

“Tobin.” Alex shakes me lightly as I feel a small puppy tongue licking my face.

“KO stop that.” I laugh picking him up and moving him to my stomach so he stops his attack on my face.

“Did you have a fun day with your friend?” Alex laughs as she moves my legs to sit down, placing my legs back on her lap.

“Yeah it was chill, we went to the beach and he became an appropriate beach dog.” I smile at her, scratching behind KO’s ears.

“I’m glad you had fun.” Alex smiles as KO makes his way to her, wanting new attention. “You’re such a cutie.”

“Maybe we should get a dog so KO isn’t lonely.” I suggest loving the way Alex looks so content with having KO in her arms.

“No dogs yet Tobin.” Alex smiles at me, “I think you’ll tire him out enough.”

“He reminds me of her.” I sit up to grab Alex’s hand.

Alex looks at me, her eyes gleaming to match her smile that’s spreading across her face. Alex is so beautiful in every way imaginable. Her skin is smooth, her hair a brown that can be replicated, her smile is devastatingly stunning, and her eyes bring me light on the darkest days.

“I love you.” I proclaim to her feeling overpowered with my emotions.

“I love you Tobin.” She leans forward and kisses me. KO barks to get our attention which seems like such a typical Kelley thing. And it occurs to me that KO brings me a piece of Kelley that I’ve missed.

Maybe Kelley is still here in ways that I haven’t seen before.

*

“Tobin I’m heading out.” Alex calls from the bedroom. She comes out dressed in a beautiful salmon colored dress. “You sure you don’t want to come babe?”

“I’m sure. Please tell Jrue good luck for me.” I smile up from the paper I’m reading. “I’ll see you guys at breakfast.”

Alex kisses me, placing a familiar book on the counter, staring at me intently.

“Alex.” I begin to protest but crushes her lips against mine cutting off any protest that I may have had.

“This may have perspective for you that you haven’t had before.” She whispers into my ear kissing beneath it and turning to leave.

I stare at my old bible, the one that has brought me happiness, anger, sadness, hope, and complete defeat. I don’t understand why Alex kept it but her words replay in my ear.

I run my hand over the weathered binding, feeling the tethered leather, weakened in places, but I can’t help but feel some strength in it. I breathe in deep scanning the pages, running my hand over the letters, hoping for some sort of clarity, but none comes.

I breathe out feeling lost when I turn the page and find an envelope.

The envelope reads ‘To Alex when the right words seem impossible to find.’

 I open the ripped envelope to find a familiar ripped piece of paper.

I unfold it reading my own familiar handwriting and I can’t help but let out a surprised gasp as I read the message. “How did you get this?”

_I hope this guides you bringing you faith when needed. - T.H._

I unfold the other page that reads from my favorite passage. I use to carry this everywhere with me but that day we went to the cabins I had decided it was time that someone else could use it.

Kelley knew that I would need it again, because despite Kelley being gone, she is still watching over us.

“Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” I read allowed the passage I always saved before reading the note Kelley left for me.

_Tobin,_

_Read this passage and know that it has helped me through all the troubles I have had, read this and know I am safe, happy, and home. Please let your own words guide you when you feel you need your faith again. Know that I thank God everyday for meeting someone as extraordinary as you._

_I love you,_

_Kelley_

“Thank you Kelley.” I hold the piece of paper close to my heart.

*

I open the doors, taking in a deep breath, searching the eyes for my friends, and I spot them all sitting together in a pew. I walk towards them, standing there, and they all slowly look my way, smiles spread on all of their faces. I sit in between Alex and Ashlyn who both grab my hands, squeezing them for encouragement.

“I love you guys.”

“I love you.” Alex smiles warmly at me.

“I love you Tobs.”

“Kelley’s with us.” I say firmly knowing that she and God have to be protecting us.

“She always has been.” Ashlyn turns to me letting the vulnerable tears become present.

We all turn our attention to Jrue as he starts his sermon and the more I sit here with my friends the more I feel the anger inside of me subsiding. The more I think about Kelley watching over me the more I feel safe. The more I listen to Jrue’s words the more I feel God present again and I pray for the first time in months. I pray to Kelley thanking her for guiding me again and I pray to him thanking him for what he has given me and how lucky he is to have Kelley.


	11. Chapter 11

“Kell you’re crazy for wanting to do this.” I laugh as we make our way up the mountain.

“I think it will be fun to watch the sunset and then stargaze on top of a mountain so suck it up and let’s move it.” She smiles back at me before continuing up the mountain. “Plus we’re almost there.”

“Yeah well you’re not the one carrying all of the shit.” I huff out as I lug the giant backpack she packed earlier.

She ignored me, practically sprinting up the mountain, until we finally make it up to the top. She is standing there looking out at the view. The sun is beginning to set, the colors of the sky swirling together in mixtures of orange, pink, purple, yellow, and blue. It outlines her body perfectly, as a small shadow captures her outline.

“This is beautiful.” She breathes out happily, holding her hand out to me.

“It really is.” I take in our surroundings. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I breathe in the fresh air, and look out at all the trees and mountains in the distance. “It’s so beautiful.”

“Like me?” She teases wrapping her arms around mine that have taken place on her waist.

“No you’re ten times prettier than any view I have ever seen.” I kiss her exposed, freckled dusted shoulder.

“Good answer babe.” She turns her head slightly pressing it to the side of mine that’s resting on her shoulder. “How long did it take you to come up with that one?”

“Half way up the mountain.” I joke back. “I’ve been saving it ever since.”

“Well it worked.” She laughs. Her laugh is my favorite sound.

“I’m glad we did this hike despite the treacherous way back down we have to do.” I smile still taking in the scenery that’s presented in front of us.

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” She kisses me and we watch the sun set beyond its horizon.

I get a fire going as soon as it becomes dark out, luckily we packed head lamps so it was easy to find wood to make a fire. I have the fire blazing away, as Kelley looks around for more wood. She plops the pile down next to the fire, and starts rummaging through the hiking back pack we brought. She pulls out a small pan, utensils, and a fold out medal grill thing. She places the wire grill over the fire, places the pan on top and pours in the beans.

“You really came prepared.” I laugh as she pulls out some bowls.

“Oh I did. I have waters in here, some protein bars, toilet paper, and all the essentials.” She smiles brightly as she stirs the beans.

“We couldn’t be more creative then bringing baked beans?” I tease her.

“This is the traditional food to bring Ash come on now.” She shakes her head disapprovingly.

We eat quickly, hungry from the hike we just had, I’m eating a protein bar when I see Kelley rustle out a sleeping bag, and a blanket. She places them on the ground, lying down to test it out, the smile on her face letting me know she approves of the spot she picked.

“Come stargaze with me.” She opens the sleeping bag up inviting me. I lay down next to her, cuddling up with each other and stare up into the sky.

The night sky is beautiful up here on the mountain, away from all of the city lights that take over the sky. The sky is dark, stars shining brighter then I have ever seen, it’s a little chilly from the fall air but it’s gorgeous.

“When I was younger my dad would always take us camping and we would all lie outside at night and stargaze for hours. He would even tell us stories about the constellations, I never knew if they were real but I didn’t care. I was too engulfed in the stories.”

“In high school we use to take our boat out so we could stargaze it was one of my favorite things to do to help clear my head.” I respond to her with my own memory.

“These stars are the brightest ones I have ever seen.” She snuggles a little closer to me, “They make me feel invincible, like there is so much out there, think about everyone who has looked at these stars, told stories under them, their experiences, these stars are like an audience looking down on us like were a show. It makes me feel almost insignificant.”

“It makes me realize how incredibly captivating life is.” A shooting star flies by in the sky, I wouldn’t have seen it if I blinked. “Did you see that shooting star?”

“Keep watching.” She whispers to me. I stare up as I see shooting star after shooting star makes its way through the sky. “It’s a meteor shower.”

“Did you know this was going to happen?” I ask her amazed by how riveting the meteor shower is.

“Yes.” She kisses my cheek. “You told me you’ve never seen one before so I wanted you to see how amazing this is.”

“It’s incredible.” I smile up at the sky, feeling the rush of excitement run through me. We lie here a while longer watching the meteor shower until an idea comes to my mind. “Kell lets make our own constellation.”

“What?” She asks amused by my idea.

“Let’s make our own story, throw it into the sky; we can let it stay there forever.”

“Our own constellation.” She laughs lightly, enthused by the idea, “Let’s make our own.” She squeezes me closer as she tries to decide a name for it. We spend the night figuring out the shape, picking out the perfect pattern of stars, and the story. We lie together, creating our own story, letting it light our features and hearts, and I knew I would remember it forever.

*

The memory makes its way to the forefront of my mind as I lay on the boat staring up at the stars. I look at my watch, reading 2:57 on it, groaning inwardly knowing how long my day is going to be tomorrow. I haven’t been able to sleep, Kelley has been on my mind more than usual, and coming out here has been the best way to clear my head.

My thoughts get abandoned for a moment when I hear whimpering, I look down to see KO staring up at me expectantly.

“Come here little guy.” I say picking him up letting him snuggle on top of me. I sigh heavily wanting the feeling I have inside of me to release with my breath, but it doesn’t.

I look up to the sky, it’s a clear night, the stars shining brightly, and I find our constellation.

‘I miss you Kell.’ I think bitterly looking up in the expansive darkness.

“So much for our story.”

*

“You look like shit.” Hope looks up from the counter to comment on my appearance.

“Thanks Hope good morning to you too.” I sit next to her on the chair, rubbing my eyes. I hear the door cling open and I groan inwardly knowing were not open yet.

“Hey Ash.” I hear Kristie’s familiar voice making me feel better that it wasn’t a random customer.

“What’s up Kristie?” I yawn.

“Not much.” She shrugs sitting next to me.

“Hope we need coffee.”

“Then get it.” Hope rejects us.

“Hope I’m exhausted please.” I groan. “I couldn’t fall asleep last night.”

“Yeah well me either.” Hope calls back putting freshly made muffins into the display case.

“And why would that be?” I challenge her just wanting my coffee. Hope turns around smirking at me before her eyes turn to Kristie whose face is beet red.

“Kristie.” I coo lightly, “Did you keep my employee up all night?” I laugh inwardly at how uncomfortable Kristie gets when it comes to Hope.

“She’s the one who wanted to go again.” Kristie shrugs, I burst out laughing at how Hopes mouth drops open. I high five Kristie, I turn to Hope to see if she has a glare but she just chuckles lightly to herself.

“Hope why don’t you come to family dinner tonight? Stop hiding our girl from us.” I suggest when I think about how close Hope and Kristie are. They spend almost every second they have to spare. Hope works everyday so it’s hard for them to hang out a lot but Kristie is always staying over there. They are practically dating they just aren’t putting a label on it is what Hope says.

“Uh that’s okay.” Hope pauses putting a tray of cookies away, “I have to shampoo things.”

“Completely reasonable excuse right Kris?” I tease.

“I think she is being a complete baby about it but her loss.” Kristie challenges Hope. Kristie has that spark of fire in her that always catches us off guard because she is such a sweetheart.

“You’re the one who always wants to stay at my place.” Hope counters back at Kristie, wanting to win.

“Only because I want to be respectful of my roommates.” They argue back and forth each wanting their point to be heard.

“Are we sure it is not because Sydney death glares me every time she comes in?”

“It has nothing to do with Sydney.” Kristie shifts a little uncomfortably and I think Hope just took the lead.

“I always invite you to dinner and to hang out with us, you always use work as an excuse.”

“It isn’t my fault your best friend is jealous.”

“Jealous of what?” Kristie questions.

“I swear this girl is oblivious.” Hope mutters shaking her head, “Fine I’ll come but I’m not having a sleepover with you guys.” Kristie smiles brightly in victory.

“Come on Hope you don’t want to braid hair and tell secrets?” I feign a super girly voice.

“I’d rather shave my head.” She fakes valley girl voice, Kristie and I both burst out in laughter.

“Alright I’m going to work.” Kristie stands up, walking towards the entry way behind the counter waiting for Hope.

Hope wraps her arms around Kristie giving her a quick kiss. “Have fun working.”

“Gotta get buff.” Kristie jokes, flexing one of her arms to expose the toned muscle. Hope laughs lightly at Kristie and I still can’t get use to how easily Kristie makes Hope smile or laugh.

“Yeah well you have fun doing that.” Hope kisses her one more time before reluctantly letting go.

“Do I get a goodbye?” I ask pretending to be hurt.

“Later bitch.” Kristie smiles at me before walking out.

Hope and I go back into the kitchen to get the rest of the baked goods that Hope had been cooking earlier this morning. I turn on the iHome we have in the kitchen, turning on a random Pandora station, getting busy setting up for opening the store. When I walk back into the kitchen Hope is taking a swig of her flask that she keeps back there for needed occasions.

“It’s not even six yet and you’re already drinking?” I shake my head laughing, “What’s up with you man?”

“You invited me to that stupid dinner.” Hope glares angrily at me.

“So what it is just dinner and you know all of us.”

“Yeah but it’s a different setting and-” Hope fights with her words but gives up going back to prepping stuff for the day.

“And what?”

“Good morning ladies.” Lauren walks through the kitchen, smiling brightly at both of us. “Why is Hope drinking? What happened?”

“Hope is mad because I asked her to come to dinner.”

“Oh so she is nervous about hanging out with you guys because now her and Kristie are a thing and she secretly wants everyone’s approval?” I look at Hope who is staring at Lauren looking dumbfounded.

“Is that what it is?” I ask Hope who swallows hard trying to come up with a snarky comment but she just sighs.

“You guys are all close so I know everyone’s opinions matter to her.” Hope shrugs regaining her composure but I can see the vulnerability in her eyes.

“Everyone loves you.” I tell her truthfully, “I think you guys are good for each other and I know everyone else feels the same way.”

“And Sydney?”

“Well she will take some getting used to but it will be fine. Come by early, you and I will cook.”

“I will be here and so will that intern chef, Amy, so we will handle it, plus its Tuesday and we know its dead on Tuesdays.”

“I’m going to regret this.” Hope shakes her head.

*

Kristie and Sydney walk into the house as were cutting up all of the vegetables for our dinner. They are both dying of laughter when they walk into the kitchen.

“You can’t do that anymore Syd.” Kristie shakes her head, laughing loudly, and holding on to Sydney’s arm.

“What I got his number for her? I think if a woman is newly divorced and wants to get back out there then she should.”

“You aren’t a matchmaker, you’re a trainer, don’t play cupid anymore.” Kristie’s smile is wide, her eyes bright, and I catch Hope shift uncomfortably next to me.

“Hey guys.” I smile trying to break the tension I feel from Hope. Hope always tenses up when Sydney is around Kristie, not because she dislikes her, but Sydney and Kristie’s relationship is unique. We all use to joke about them getting together but now Hope is in the picture and she reads into it. She is extremely intuitive.

“Hey Ash.” Sydney smiles brightly at me. “Hey Hope.”

“Hey Sydney.” She smiles quickly before turning around to go back to cutting up food.

“It smells amazing in here.” Sydney compliments both of us. “What are you making?”

“We’re having apple cider chicken, dressing, roasted vegetables, and cobbler for dessert.” Hope lists off like she’s working at the café and not cooking with friends.

“That sounds delicious well I’m going to go shower, I’ll see you guys in a bit.” Sydney excuses herself.

“Hey.” Kristie says rubbing Hopes back who looks up quickly to smile and goes back to cutting an eggplant.

“How was work?” Hope asks distantly.

“It was good how was your day?”

“It was good.” I can see how tense Hope is and I wonder if its nerves or jealousy.

“Are you going to kiss me hello?” Kristie asks trying to ease the tension she must feel as well. Hope tries to kiss her quickly but Kristie pulls Hope in for another lingering kiss, trying to ease any worries Hope may have.

“I’m going to shower in Ashlyn’s room.” She gives her one more peck, “I’ll be right back.”

“You doing okay?” I ask Hope when Kristie is out of ear shot.

“Yeah I’m fine.” I knew Hope wouldn’t open up about her feelings about Kristie and Sydney’s relationship so I offer her wine instead which she gladly accepts.

*

Everyone is sitting outside at the picnic table because our picnic table is a lot bigger than the table that is inside of the house.

“This food is amazing.” Tobin compliments as she reaches for seconds.

“Yeah Ashlyn and Hope you guys did an amazing job.” HAO smiles

“Thanks guys.”

“It really is amazing.” Kristie smiles at Hope, I can see her arm sliding under the table, resting it on Hope’s leg.

“I’m glad you like it.” Hope smiles warmly at Kristie.

“So Hope you finally stopped being a chicken and came to our family dinner.” Alex announces to all of us. “Was it as bad as you thought?”

“Worse actually.” Hope deadpans but we all laugh knowing she’s joking. “I wasn’t being a chicken about it.”

“You were.” Kristie shrugs eating another helping of food.

“So Hope what do you like about Kristie?” Sydney abruptly asks. The entire table goes quiet, Sydney’s question didn’t come off as mean but her eyes are protective.

“She’s caring, she lets everyone in even someone like me-” Hope pauses to make eye contact with Kristie who is already smiling ear to ear. They exchange something silent between them, their eyes speaking everything they would want to say out loud, “She isn’t like anyone I have ever met, she challenges me to be different and open, and I don’t think I could really verbalize every amazing thing about her. It’s hard to put into words but if anyone spent a minute with her then they would know exactly what I meant.”

The table all stared quietly at Hope, taking in what she said and trying to figure out who this Hope was. Hope had never expressed that much emotion to anyone but Kristie herself. Sydney sat there nodding silently in agreement, but the hurt in her eyes was evident and for the first time I realized that she has finally figured it out. She loves Kristie but it may be too late.

“Well I’m happy for the both of you.” Sydney approves even though we all catch the strain in her voice but Hope smiles at her, the relief evident in her features.

“Well why don’t we all start cleaning up and we can get the dessert coming?” I gesture by standing up to pick up my plate.

“Wait I want to talk to you guys about something.” HAO stops me, grabbing my arm to stay.

“What’s up HAO?” Tobin says stretching her arm and hitting Alex playfully.

“Child.” Alex mutters under her breath but let’s Tobin do it anyway.

“Go head dude.” I encourage HAO to continue.

“Dave was offered a job in Fresno about a month ago, he was going to start next year, but things got shifted and he leaves this month. I was going to stay here until I could find a teaching job but I applied to a school there and they are offering me the job in the fall.” Heather exclaims excitedly. “They are also looking for a soccer coach so I could coach soccer there as well. I haven’t been working so not moving with Dave would be silly, he needs to have Kellen and me there.”

“You’re moving to Fresno?”

“Yeah at the end of the month.”

“So in two weeks?”

“Yeah.”

“How far away is Fresno again?”

“Almost three hours.”

“So you’re leaving us?”

“We will always come and visit but yeah this is the opportunity that Dave has been waiting for and he has to take it.”

Everyone looked around the table trying to gage each other’s reactions. Tobin was the first to stand up with a cheer and hug HAO.

“Congratulations.” Tobin laughs happily.

Everyone else follows in her steps, hugging Heather and congratulating her. I hug her but I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sadness.

“Congratulations to you and Dave.” I hug her tightly but my smile falters. “I’m going to get us some dessert and we can celebrate.

We all sat around, eating dessert, talking about Heathers future plans, when she would be up to visit, when we would all be down to visit, but I’m distracted. I can’t imagine a life without Heather around all the time, she was our rock, and she kept it together when none of us could.

“Alright guys I think Lex and I are going to head out.” Tobin said going around the room and hugging everyone. She stopped at Hope, sitting down on her lap, and squeezed her tight. “Welcome to the fam Hope.”

“Tobin get off of me.” Hope laughs pushing her off. “You’re like a child.”

“Come on Tobin I think it might be your bed time.” Alex smiles after hugging everyone, pulling Tobin out of the door.

“I better get going to.” Hope stands up, pulling Kristie up from the couch, “I have to wake up early.”

“Let me just grab my stuff.” Kristie gives her a quick peck before getting a bag from her room.

“Congratulations Heather.” Hope smiles before saying goodnight to me and then looking at Sydney, “Goodnight Syd.”

“Thanks for coming Hope.”

“Alright ready to go?” Kristie hugs all of us, ending with Sydney who she kisses on the head, “See you tomorrow at 9.”

“I’ll be in my room.” Sydney gets up sullen, “Goodnight guys love you both. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Syd.”

“Ash I want you to know that this decision wasn’t an easy one.” Heather smiles sadly at me, “Dave and I discussed it for several weeks and at one point I told myself I was going to stay here. I was going to stay and Dave was going to go because I didn’t think I could leave you guys. It was…well Kelley made me realize I had to go.”

“And what did she say?” I was caught off guard by that. I shouldn’t be by now but I don’t think hearing that Kelley helped someone will ever not take me by surprise.

“She told me that there was going to be a time where I would have to start choosing my family over my other family and to not be afraid because you would all be there for me. She also told me not to worry about everyone’s well-being because she hopefully would have it taken care of.”

“She is right we will be okay but I don’t want you to go. You were one of the solid foundations to this family, the logic, the adult that none of us are. I’m so happy for you and Dave but I’m going to miss you. I don’t know what I’ll do without your guidance.”

“You call me any time you need me, it’s a short three hour drive so I will be here whenever you need me.”

“I know you will.”

“We will miss all of you.”

“Well we will have to celebrate one more time before you leave, and give you guys a proper send off.”  

“Sounds good.” Heather hugs me tightly, “Goodnight Ash.”

‘Kell what are we supposed to do without her?’

*

I couldn’t sleep, my mind is too scattered lately, and memories of Kelley are coming in rapid waves, so I get up and go for a walk instead. I wake up KO in the process accidentally but he follows me all around the room while I get dressed so I bring him with me.

We walk up the boardwalk near the house, KO pulling me towards the beach wanting to play in the water. Thanks to Tobin, he loves the water now.

“Go get it boy.” I throw a stick for him to chase. He is such a ball of energy even when it’s five in the morning.  “Good boy.” I rub his head when he brings it back and I continue to throw the stick for him.

“You’re such a handsome boy, yes you are, and you are almost cuter than your mom.” I praise KO as he rolls around on his back.

“You know you’re going to make him as cocky as his owner if you keep telling him that.” I hear the familiar voice, turning my head quickly I see those same brown eyes, and crinkled nose.

“Yeah well gotta give him a confidence booster every once and a while.”

“He is adorable.” She bends down, KO immediately going up to Ali to get attention. “You are cute but I think way more than your mom.”

“Oh funny.”

“You guys just having fun at five thirty in the morning?” Ali asks turning her attention back to me.

“Well having some trouble sleeping so decided to burn out some energy here. What about you?”

“Morning run.”

“Well if you want to join us on our walk along the beach you’re more than welcome to.”

“I’d love to.” Ali smiles, her voice is soothing and the anxious feelings I have inside of me start to dissipate.

We walk along the beach, while KO chases the birds, and its comforting having someone to walk with. We spend the entire time talking about random stuff and joking around with each other. By the time we get back to our original spot the sun is high in the air and it’s around seven.

“So I was thinking about getting breakfast do you want to grab something to eat or do you work?” Ali asks me, squinting in the sunlight.

“Yeah that sounds good.” I smile at her offer, “I can just bring him home and meet you or you can come with us.”

“Just bring him we can eat outside.”

Ali directs us to a small food truck that is parked down the road from the boardwalk we go to.

“This place has the best breakfast.”

“I take offense to that.” I scoff pretending to be hurt.

Ali orders us breakfast, bringing it to the table where KO and I sit. She hands me a burrito and hands KO a little thing of eggs.

“You bought KO food?” I laugh lightly as he inhales his food. “Thank you.”

“Well I figured after all that running around that he was probably hungry as well.”

“Well he clearly appreciates it.” We both watch as he scarfs down his food and lies contentedly on the ground.

“He really is adorable. KO is a unique name, what made you name him that?”

“Well my wife’s name is Kelley and her nickname used to be KO. He reminded me so much of her that I named him after her. She pushed me into getting him anyways but I’m glad I did.” My mind wonders to Kelley and how much he reminds me of her.

“I’m sorry for your loss Ashlyn.” I look at Ali, her eyes are apologetic, sad, and gentle. I haven’t really spoken about Kelley to anyone but my friends so it’s strange for me to feel comfortable telling her.

“Me too.”  I can feel myself beginning to feel overwhelmed but I have such an urge to talk about Kelley. “We did everything together, she was an extraordinary person, really energetic about everything, so adventurous, so likable, you would’ve liked her.”

Ali nods sadly at me breaking eye contact looking away. I scold myself for pouring my feelings out but I just felt like Ali needed to know about Kelley.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t.” Ali shakes her head apologetically, “Your description of her reminds me of my best friend, Carm. She passed away a couple of years ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Alex.” Ali knows how I feel and I understand now for how she reacted to talking about Kelley.

She looks at me now there is kindness in her eyes, fire, and a sadness that matches my own. She looks away though, looking distracted like she is stuck inside a memory.

“Alex?” She questions me after a few moments.

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to call you that, Ali.”

“No no I actually prefer it but I’m so use to people calling me Ali that I just tell them to call me that. My family calls me Alex.”

“Alright Alex.” I emphasis her name, “Do you want to tell me about Carm?”

“We met each other in college, we instantly connected, she was the funniest, kindest, and strangest person I had ever met. We did everything together, even on the soccer team, it was us and our friend Erin.”

“What happened to her?” I press wanting to know more.

“Cancer.” Ali looks away again, her eyes are distant.

“I’m sorry to hear that, that’s how Kelley passed as well.”

“Let’s not talk about it okay?” Her smile is sad but I don’t press her because I know talking about it is hard. I had no clue that she has a similar experience and it draws me to her even more.

“Well thank you for breakfast it actually was delicious.” I smile at her as we stand up to throw our trash away. “KO thanks you too.”

“You’re both welcomed.” She bends down petting KO who is panting happily up at her, leaning into her hand from her touch.  “Anyways I better get going but maybe we can do this again sometime, bring KO for a run if you can keep up with us.”

“I think I can handle it.” I laugh, “Here let me give you my number.” I hold my hand out for her phone and type in my name and number quickly.

“Sounds good I’ll see you guys later.” She waves goodbye walking in the opposite direction as we head back to the house.

Right before I get to the house my phone buzzes and I look down to see a text from an unknown number.

**Ali 8:02am: This morning was fun:) Same time tomorrow?**

I enjoyed spending time with Ali today, she always has a way of calming me down, and making me feel grounded. Talking to her today about Kelley came out so easily and she can even relate with how I feel. I know my friends can but Ali doesn’t know Kelley, she isn’t broken by her absence, I guess I’ve needed someone to talk to about her but I haven’t felt like I could with anyone who knew her. I know I could rely on Hope and Lauren but it never felt right talking about Kelley with them but with Ali it does. I’m happy to be friends with her.

I text back telling her I’d meet her in the same place as today.

*

“Sydney.” I lay down on her bed next to her, she has been moping for a couple of days now, and hasn’t left her room since dinner.  “What’s up man?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on you’ve been in here for days now, listening to depressing music, you can tell me what’s wrong.”  Sydney turns around and there were old and fresh tears present on her face. “Come here.” I open up my arms and Sydney rolls onto her side, pressing into me, placing her head onto my shoulder, hugging my waist tightly.

“I never knew.” She finally says after sitting there in silence for a couple of minutes. “How could I not know?”

“People are always blind when it comes to themselves.” I rub her arm trying to comfort her.

“But it was so obvious now that I look back. I almost feel stupid for not noticing sooner.”

“Sometimes it takes people awhile to realize things like this but you should be relieved to finally realize why you’re feeling this way.”

“I don’t feel relieved because all I can do is sit here and watch.” Her breathing picks up as fresh tears start in her eyes.

“Sometimes that’s all you can do.” I sigh knowing that isn’t what she wants to hear.

“But I love her.” Sydney turns her head into my chest, crying, and I can feel her pain not being able to be with the person you love.

*

“What’s on your mind?” Ali breathes out knowing something is going on with me.

“My friend, Heather, is moving away tomorrow, were having a going away party tonight for her.” I admit the burning in my lungs is the only thing keeping me from feeling the anxiety I have about Heather leaving.

“It’s tough having people leave, where is she going?”

“Three hours away to Fresno.”

“At least it’s kind of close.”

“I need her here though.” I admit pushing myself to run faster wanting the burning sensation to take over completely, it’s the only thing I want to focus on, “I can’t lose her and the stability she brings to my friends.”

“Well from what you’ve told me it seems like you guys are all a key component for each other. I know it must be scary feeling like one part is going to be missing.” Ali and I have been meeting every day to go for a run, during the last week and a half we spend an hour talking to each other about our friends and lives, it’s been really nice.

“One part already is.” I confess thinking about Kelley and how destroyed we all became when she left. I can’t imagine having another one of us leave.

“Heather isn’t going to have an effect on you in the same way. She will still be around, she is still going to be in your guys’ life, and it just won’t be in the same town.”

“It just worries me.” I will my legs to move faster.

“Ashlyn.” Ali slows her pace down, “Keine Angst vor dem Unbekannten, umarmt es.” I stop completely.

“What language was that?” I ask studying her.

“What?” She asks confused.

“You just spoke a different language.” I smile confusingly at her.

“I’m so sorry sometimes if it just happens.” She smiles widely at me looking embarrassed.

“Since when did you know German? Is that why you have a tiny accent? I thought it was because you were from Virginia or something.”

“I spent four years in Germany playing for Frankfurt. I learned to speak fluent German.” She shrugs.

“That’s pretty awesome.” I laugh shaking my head. What can this girl not do? “I may need a translation though.”

“I said don’t fear the unknown, embrace it.” She starts to walk down the beach, “I know you probably feel like if Heather leaves then everyone is going to fall apart again. That won’t happen, you still have each other, and you have me.”

Her words hit deep inside of me and for the first time since Heather told us she was moving, I’ve felt like it will be okay. We have all come so far from losing Kelley and I think we can handle having Heather three hours away. I was so afraid if Heather left then we would all unravel but I know that isn’t the case, we’re all stronger now.

“You’re right.” I look over to her, and she is here. She is with me, helping me out, and I haven’t felt this safe in a long time. “Thank you.” I squeeze her hand trying to show her how thankful I am for her.

“You’re welcome.” She looks away, and I swear I could see her face becoming redder than it was before.

“Why don’t you come to the café tonight?” I ask her before I give it any thought, “We’re all getting together there for her going away party.”

“Are you sure?” I can tell she is hesitant about intruding but I want her there.

“Yeah I want you to meet my friends.” I smile trying to assure her it is okay. “It will be fun. There will be a ton of people there.”

“Alright sounds good.” Her smile is something I will never get used to.

*

“To Heather and Dave, I wish you both the best of luck in this new journey. We will all miss you so much. Congratulations to both of you.” I raise my glass in the air as everyone cheers.

“What a beautifully long and inspirational speech.” Tobin jokes as she walks up to me.

“What can I say speeches are my gift.”

“No they aren’t.” Hope deadpans. Kristie nudges her side, getting a scowl from Hope in return.

“I’m going to get another drink does anyone want one?” Sydney asks.

“Two coronas.”

“Make it three.”

“Four.”

“I’ll help you.” Hope offers Sydney. Hope has been trying to get closer with Sydney and Sydney is nice about it but I know she’s hurting inside.

“Thanks.” Sydney says pulling them through the crowd.

“Hey.” I hear her voice from behind me, and I can’t help the grin I feel on my face.

“Hey thanks for coming.” I smile and before I realize it I’m hugging her. The alcohol encouraged me but feeling her arms around me feels so right. Being in her embrace soothes a pain inside of me that I didn’t know I still had.

“You’re welcome.” She laughs, pulling away first.

When I turn around all of my friends are staring at me with confused looks on their faces. Tobin’s face is emotionless and she’s watching Alex more than us. Alex’s face is calm but her eyes are ice cold, territorial.

“Hey Ali.” I hear Hope’s voice cut through our group. “How’s it going?”

“Hey Hope. I’m surprised Ashlyn let you have a day off.”

“Yeah me too.” Hope makes a face at me.

“Oh shut up.” I nudge both of them.

“Hey Ali.” Kristie smiles at her and everyone turns to Kristie even more confused that they know who Ali is. I don’t know why they are making such a big deal of this.

“Hey Kristie.”

“Guys this is Ali Krieger.” I announce to the group who is either gaping or glaring at us.

“Ali these are my weird and apparently rude friends Alex, HAO, Sydney, and you met Tobin.” I glare Tobin down, “Obviously Tobin’s social skills are still not intact.”

“Shut up Ash.” Tobin says noticing my glare, “Hey Ali it’s nice to see you again.” Tobin smiles at her this time and it’s her normal smile.

“Hey Ali it’s nice to meet you.” HAO embraces Ali in a hug and I’m starting to feel relieved that they aren’t all acting socially inept. “Glad you could come.”

“I’m Sydney.” Sydney smiles going in for a hug as well, “Sorry for acting awkward we just didn’t know Ashlyn actually knew how to make friends on her own. Between you and me she’s kind of a loser.”

“I know I realized that so I took pity on her and befriended her.” Ali jokes back with her. “Call it my charity work for the year.” This gets a laugh from the entire group but Alex.

“Yeah yeah yeah alright Alex let’s get you a drink.” I say trying to usher her away from my friends to be able to breathe.

“I have a drink?” Alex asks confused.

“I’m talking to my Alex.” I direct Ali to the back of the café to get her a drink. “So we have Corona, Bud light, or I can make you a mixed drink.”

“Bud Light is fine.” She smiles as I hand her the bottle. “Your friends seem nice.”

“I’m sorry about their initial reaction they don’t usually act like that.”

“It’s okay I know they’re probably just protective.”

“I’m glad you came though.” I look into her eyes, those brown eyes that excite me, fascinate me, and make me feel comfortable all at the same time.

“I am too so why don’t we go back out there and I can get to know these infamous friends.”

Ali fit right into our group. She was talkative with everyone, had everyone laughing, and easily kept up with our constant banter. The night went by too quickly and soon we were all saying goodbye to Heather.

There was an array of hugs being given, and wishes to Heather and Dave.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” I squeeze Heather tightly. “Be safe.”

“I’m going to miss you but I’ll be back.” Heathers eyes glistened, “You guys are still my family.”

“Always.”

“Don’t get into too much trouble.”

“I’ll try not to.”

“I’m sure someone will keep you in line.” Heather says her eyes catching Ali talking animatedly with Dave about something. “I like her.”

“Yeah she’s awesome.”

We all continue to say our goodbyes and try to capture all of them in pictures that we can have for memories. When everyone finally leaves, it’s just me, Ali, Alex, Tobin, and Sydney left at the café.

“Alright well my ride is here I better get going it was nice meeting all of you.” Everyone said their goodbyes to Ali.

“Thanks for coming again.” I walk Ali to the door, opening it for her.

“No problem I had a lot of fun.”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Definitely.” She gave me one of her infamous smiles before heading out the door. I turn around Sydney has a smug look on her face, Tobin looks uncomfortable, and Alex looks like she wants to punch me.

“You guys ready to go?” I ask cautiously.

“What the hell was that tonight?” Alex bursts out.

“What was what?”

“Who is that girl Ashlyn?” Alex continues to berate me, “Why haven’t we heard about her?”

“She is a friend and why do you need to hear about her? I just introduced you and you were completely rude the entire night.”

“Rude? I’m being rude because you’re selfish.”

“How am I selfish?” I begin to raise my voice.

“‘My Alex’” She mimics what I said earlier “When did that happen?”

“What are you talking about Alex.” I finally yell, “I don’t get why you’re so upset. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Guys let’s all relax.” Tobin butts in.

“No Tobin.” Alex turns on her, “I want to know when Ashlyn decided to move on.”

“Oh shit.” I hear Sydney mumble under her breath.

“Move on?” I ask so confused. I don’t understand why Alex is being like this. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Moving on from Kelley.” Alex yells, “Because from the looks of it tonight you did it pretty easily.”

Her words were like a blow to the chest, a repeated blow that left me winded. I didn’t know how to react to her words, they didn’t make sense to me, and all I know is the hollow feeling inside of me came back. Suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room and I had to get away.

“Ashlyn, where are you going?” Tobin called after me as I walked out of the café.

“Ash come back.” I heard Sydney’s voice but I had to leave.

*

I spend the entire night up thinking about what Alex had said. Alex’s accusations were far from the truth, I would never ever try to replace Kelley. I jumped off the boat into the water and I’ve been floating in the lake thinking about the past couple of months. I now understood why everyone was giving me looks, why Tobin had made those comments at the café that day, and why Alex blew up at me. I haven’t met anyone since Kelley so seeing me with even just a friend made them think something that isn’t even there. I love hanging out with Ali but I could never do anything to betray Kelley, I wouldn’t.

‘Kelley I promise you I would never do that, I wouldn’t move on from you. I love you.’

I had already texted Ali earlier telling her I couldn’t make it today because I didn’t feel well. I just needed time to absorb what had happened last night. I know Alex is just being protective of Kelley but she could’ve come to me about it instead of attacking me.

I get out of the water after feeling the heaviness of exhaustion sweep over me. I dry myself off, putting my clothes back on. I grab my wedding ring, bringing over to the bed; I plop down and hold it in my hand.

I wear it every day no matter what, unless I’m doing something where I could somehow lose it. This is the only physical thing that links me to Kelley; I cherish it more than anything I own. When I go to put it on the light behind me that’s hooked to the wall next to the bed catches something I have never seen before. I bring the wedding band closer to me and inside the wedding band is a small inscription.

‘Carry me.’ is carved into the wedding band. How have I never seen this before?

“Kelley.”

My memory flashes scenes, moments captured, conversations held of all the times Kelley asked me to carry her. Finally landing on the last time, I can feel her hand against my chest, like it’s happening right now.

“Kelley.” I repeat feeling myself enclose, my heart clenches like its fighting to continue to pump blood through my veins, like its fighting so hard to be strong. I’m breaking again.

*

Tobin opens the door looking blurry eyed and confused.

“Ashlyn what the-” Her eyes finally focus, “Whoa Ash what’s wrong?”

“Where’s Alex?”

“She’s uh in the room.” Tobin grabs my arm, “Wait dude what is wrong?” I shrug her off and walk into the room where Alex is finishing getting ready.

“I love her.” I yell at Alex startling her.

“Ashlyn.” Alex begins but I cut her off.

“No I love Kelley more then I will ever love anyone.” I wipe the tears from my eyes, “I love her.”

“Ashlyn.”

“I love her damnit.” I scream, “I just wanted the pain to stop.” Alex stands up coming over to hug me. “I love her and it hurts, it always hurts.”

“I know Ashlyn.” Alex rubs circles on my back trying to comfort me, “I’m sorry for last night.”

“I haven’t moved on. I could never move on from her, she was my life.” I step out of Alex’s embrace, my mind is in overdrive, “She isn’t here and all I have are memories. Memories that force their way into my head, they make me remember how happy I was, and how whole I use to feel. I don’t have that anymore. No one loved Kelley the way I love Kelley, no one shared moments with Kelley like I did, you were her best friend but I was hers, I was hers to keep. Do you get it? I gave my heart away almost five years ago and I’ll never get it back.”

“Ash-Ashlyn I’m sorry.” I’m not telling her this to feel bad. I’m telling her because I’ve been bottling it up, these feelings crash against me like a heavy current against the cliffs. I need relief.

“Who are you when your other half dies?” I shrug feeling hopeless; Tobin and Alex are looking at me with lost expressions. “Who am I now that Kelley is gone? How do I go back to just being Ashlyn? I don’t even remember not having Kelley a part of me. Who am I?”

“You’re one of the best people I know.” Tobin steps forward holding Alex with her, “You’re our family, you are the strongest person I have ever met.”

“You’re our best friend.” Alex puts her hand out, “You’re Ashlyn, you’re our best friend, and Kelley’s wife. Kelley is still around because you remind me every day of her, she is still a part of you even if she isn’t here anymore. She’s in your eyes, your laugh, your kindness, strength, hope, especially your heart. She is with you.”

“Sometimes when I think about her I almost feel like she’s with me.”

“That’s because she is.” Tobin hugs me tightly. I feel Alex wrap her arms around me and we all stand there hugging.

“I just needed a reminder that I wasn’t alone.” I feel calmer now, I haven’t felt like I could open up like that with them but I can. Alex and Tobin are my family and I can go to them for anything.

“I’m sorry for overreacting.” Alex mumbles into my shirt still worried that I’m mad at her.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not though.”

“You were being protective I know that.”

“I still wish I could take it back.”

 “There is a way you can make it up to me.” I came here for a reason and despite my meltdown I still need to have them come with me.

“And what would that be?”

*

“I can’t believe you’re getting another one.” Tobin groans sitting next to Alex beside me.

“Yeah well some of us aren’t babies like you.” I tease Tobin remembering back to when we all got tattoos.

“It was my first one okay.” Tobin argues back.

“I remember we get there and you freaked out about the needle.” Alex laughed, “You had to hold both of our hands the entire time.”

“Well at least I did it.”

“You had to or Kelley would’ve been pissed.”

The day Alex, Tobin, and I got our box Kelley told us to do something spontaneous so we all went to get tattoos. Tobin had a mini meltdown about getting a tattoo it was her first time but Alex has one already and I have a sleeve full. Tobin was usually there for all of my tattoos along with Alex and Kelley for some. Tobin swore she would never get one but she wanted to do it for Kelley. We all got ‘Live the Life You Imagined.’ That was always one of Kelley’s sayings and it became a mantra for us towards the end of her life.

Today I’m getting another one and as I feel the sting of the needle against my skin I turn my thoughts to Kelley. I think about her laugh, her freckles, the moments we shared together, the love I will always feel for her, and the one thing that has kept me going this whole time.

“All done.”  The tattoo artist says as he finishes wiping the tattoo.

“How does it look?” I ask Tobin and Alex who are smiling at me, love evident in both of their eyes.

“I love it.”

“It’s great.”

I look into the mirror, admiring the newest tattoo on my body. Every tattoo represents a part of me but this one is my favorite.

On my chest where my heart lies underneath is Kelley’s handwriting from a note she left me once, her hand writing reads:

Carry Me.


	12. Chapter 12

Sundays are my favorite days because it’s okay to lie in bed all morning without feeling guilty. It’s raining outside, each drop creating its own part to the descant. I love listening to the rain, its calming especially on Sunday mornings.

I look over to my left and Kelley is sound asleep, I watch her for several moments as she inhales and exhales peacefully. She has so many freckles all along her shoulders and down her back on the flawless skin of the girl who took my heart. I could spend days tracing my fingers over them, counting them, getting lost in the beauty of her skin.

I kiss her shoulder blade wanting her to wake up and she hums in acknowledgement.

“Wake up babe.” I kiss her on the shoulder and she turns her head towards me.

“Why are you up right now it’s Sunday.” She mumbles still half asleep. We had a late night last night and Kelley always needs her sleep.

“I want to enjoy it with you.” I run my hand along her spine giving her goosebumps.

“Then sleep with me.” She scoots closer to me trying to cuddle into me so I’m forced to stay there like she is my anchor. I’d let her hold me down forever. She wraps her leg around my own cuddling closer, her finger tracing small hearts on my chest. “I love you.” I close my eyes letting her touch and the sound of the rain take over my senses.

“I love you.” I reply happily.

“Always?” It is corny but I smile anyways because it’s the first time she has mentioned a possibility of an always. The rain is beating down, engulfing everything it touches with its presence like the way Kelley has been doing to me. Kelley is my rain. She has embedded herself into my life in any way that she could.

I kiss her head catching a whiff of her shampoo which I love.

“Never.” I smile into her hair knowing it wasn’t the answer she expected. She laughs quietly pulling me closer.

“You’ll say it one day.”

“And how do you know that’s true?”

“Because a love like ours could never end, something so beautiful and rare will never die.” She is right because I know that in every single ounce of my body Kelley’s love fills it. Our love isn’t something that will ever fade with time it will only become more prominent. I feel her breathing even out as she pulled into a sound sleep and I soak in the moment wanting nothing more than to keep it this way forever.

*

“Ashlyn?” I snap out of my memory at the sound of her voice.

“Hey Alex.” I smile but by the look in her eyes I can tell she sees past it.

“What are you up to?” She asks trying to catch her breath. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve met Ali at the beach for a morning run. I’ve just been trying to pull myself together.

“I’m sorry I’ve been uh well I’ve been really busy with stuff but I thought maybe we could run together again?” I stumble through my words and when I look up she is smiling at me.

“Of course why wouldn’t we be able to?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug letting myself relax. I wasn’t sure if Ali was going to be mad at me for not being around lately. We begin running and I let the burn in my body distract me from the floodgate of memories that attack my thoughts.

“Someone is a little rusty.” Ali teases me as we slow our pace down to cool off. We had run for several miles and with each step we fell right back into our old routine.

“Oh please.” I say trying to catch my breath not really helping my case, “So how have you been?”

“Uh I’m good just working a lot you?”

“Just getting stuff sorted.”

“Well I’m happy to hear that I’ve missed you.” I can’t stop the expression from forming on my face hearing her say she missed me. It catches me by surprise and I’m not really sure why. We’re we at a point in our friendship where we would miss each other? I didn’t think she liked me enough to miss me being around but I don’t mind.  “Uh well I mean I missed KO you know he’s the only good thing about you.” She jokes thinking she is easing any tension I may feel.

“I missed you too.” She snaps her head up looking at me with nervous eyes before smiling back at me.

“Anyways what are you up to this weekend?” She continues the conversation making sure it stays light.

“I’m not sure I may take the boat out or go hiking, ever since we hired Amy the intern cook all of our hours have been cut a little so it’s nice.”

“That’s good because you guys were running yourselves thin working so much.”

“Yeah it’s definitely been a lot easier now. Anyways what about you? What are Alexandra Krieger’s big plans this weekend?”

“My friends are hosting their launch party for their new clothing line.” Ali sighs, “They’re extremely excited about it.”

“Why do I sense a hint of hesitation in your voice?”

“They told me I wasn’t allowed to come unless I brought a date.” She looks away from me like she’s embarrassed and I don’t think my sudden laughing fit really helps. “Stop laughing it isn’t funny.” She smacks me lightly on the arm.

“I’m laughing because you act like that is the worst thing in the world.”

“It is because I know they’re serious. You don’t know my friends they’re…horribly obnoxious.”

“They would really not let you come if you didn’t bring a date?” I ask still finding it humorous.

“No they wouldn’t but it’s fine they will regret it when I don’t go.” She looks away towards the growing sun wiping away the sweat from her face.

“Well I’ll go with you if you want.” She turns her head towards me looking uncertain. I think it would be awesome to go to a clothing launch party and I wouldn’t want her missing it because she doesn’t have a date.

“Really?”

“I’ve never been to a launch party and I think it would be good to meet your friends.” I shrug smiling once I see her beautiful smile appear on her face.

“Thanks Ashlyn.” I would do anything to see that smile.

*

“Sydney we don’t have time to argue about this anymore lets go to our training session.” I walk into the room and Kristie is yelling at Sydney who is just sitting on the couch still in her pajamas.

“Just reschedule.” Sydney shrugs off barely paying attention.

“Sydney we will talk after but we have to go it’s our job remember? We kind of need that thing called money.”

“I don’t care about fucking money Kristie what I care about is that you’re never here anymore.” Sydney snaps before turning her attention back to the floor.

“I always ask you to do things with me and-”

“Hope.” Sydney says her name and it should explain everything but Kristie doesn’t understand.

“Sydney we have to go.”

“Kristie wanna give me a second with Sydney?” I say cutting into the conversation, “She will meet you in the car.”

Kristie nods her head and walks out of the house.

“Sydney go get dressed.” I order her but she doesn’t budge.

“I don’t want to Ashlyn.”

“You are stronger then how weak you are being right now. Do not let how you feel effect your work or your friendship with her.”

“How do you know I’m stronger than that?”

“Because Kelley believed you were one of the strongest people she’s ever known.” I squat down to reach her eye level. “Think about what Kelley would say if she were here.”

“Show her what she is missing.” Sydney finally says with a sad smile on her face.

“Exactly now go show Kristie that you’re still her best friend no matter what. Okay?”

“Okay.” Sydney says before getting up to go change into workout clothes.

“We can talk tonight alright?” I look up from petting KO when she comes out a second later.

“Sounds good.” Sydney moves to leave but I see how heartbroken she is.

“Sydney.”

“Yeah?” She turns around.

“She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.” Sydney smiles at me looking a little less hurt before leaving.

*

I decided after spending some time with KO to make a stop at the café. It’s always busy during this time and I’m sure that they could use some help.

“What’s up guys?” I say walking behind the counter where Lauren is swamped with people.

“It’s busy but good.” Lauren says handing a woman her bag of food and coffee. She seems a little stressed out so I tell her to take a little break once it slows down. I get busy helping her with her orders and the morning breakfast rush starts to slow down.

“Sit down Lauren take a breather.” I smile at her before looking through the kitchen window where Hope is instructing Amy on how to make her Avocado breakfast sandwich.

“A-Rod how’s it going?” I ask her making sure Hope isn’t intimidating her.

“It’s a lot to learn but I love every second of it.” Amy smiles up at me before going back to cooking her food.

“Is Hope being a good teacher?” I tease making a face at Hope.

“Yeah she is amazing.” Amy looks at Hope then at me, “I think this was the best place to work for honestly. I love the atmosphere and the people.”

“And me.” Lauren chimes in through the window. Amy and Lauren have become quick friends but with Amy’s outgoing personality it doesn’t surprise me that she fits in so well with us.

“Listen Hope do you think I could speak with you for a quick second?” I turn my attention to Hope because she is the main reason why I’m here.

“Yeah sure thing.” She nods finishing the order she was working on before bringing it to the window for Lauren to serve.

We walk into the front of the café and I have her take a seat at one of the booths. I feel like a middle school kid doing this but it has to be done if I want to keep everyone happy.

“So what is going on?” Hope asks curious as to why I’m having her sit with me.

“It’s about Kristie and Sydney.” I try to gage her reaction but she stays emotionless, “I am so happy for you and Kristie but I need a favor.”

“Please tell me you aren’t asking me what I think you are because the answer is no.” Hopes jaw clenches and her eyes narrow. I’m confused about her sudden change in composure.

“I haven’t even asked you the favor?”

“I’m not breaking up with Kristie.” Hope says it in a growl that catches me even more by surprise.

“What?” I let out a small laugh, “I’m not asking you to. I would never do that actually.”

“Then what are you asking me?” Her defense is still up.

“I was going to ask you if you wanted to hang out tomorrow so Kristie and Sydney can. They’ve been really off lately and Sydney wasn’t even going to go to work with Kristie today.”

“Sydney loves her.” Hope says it simply.

“Yeah she does.” I don’t deny it because we all know she always has.

“Alright that’s fine we can do that but I won’t always do this. Kristie and Sydney need to figure out their own stuff without us interfering. Kristie needs to make time for Sydney and Sydney needs to learn how to deal.”

“I know.” I nod in agreement. “Thank you.”

“So what are we doing then?”

“I need your help to go shopping.” I figure Hope would be easier to take with me than anyone else.

“Shopping? Don’t you deem yourself a fashion guru or something like that? Why do you need my help and Lauren would be better at this then I would.”

“I mean I don’t really need your help but a second opinion never hurt.”

“Girls day yay.” Hope says plainly and I can’t help but laugh.

*

“So what exactly are we shopping for?” Hope asks the next day as we enter the first shop. Hope told Kristie she was spending the day with me and hinted at asking Sydney to hang out. They were going to get manicure and pedicures and hopefully fix their issues.

“I offered to be Ali’s date to her friend’s event this weekend.”

“So you’re going as her date?” I can hear the suggestive nature in Hope’s voice.

“Just as friends.” I make it clear right away, “Her friends told her she had to bring a date in order to go so I offered to so she wouldn’t be stressed.”

“I like Ali she is a great girl.” Hope points out, “You don’t have to justify anything to me. I won’t explode on you like Alex.”

“I’m not justifying anything,” It’s a lie but whatever, “We’re friends.”

“If you were just friends you two wouldn’t look at each other the way you do.”

“And how’s that?”

“Like the only purpose in the world is to make each other smile.”

“I think you’re mistaking you and Kristie for us.” I direct the conversation to them and Hope knows it but she doesn’t push. “How are things going?”

“She’s stubborn but things are easy for us. We get along really well and it’s always fun with her even when we fight.”

“You guys fight? About what?”

“Dumb stuff.”

“Example?” I press.

“Like last night I clearly beat her in tennis on the wii and she told me I cheated because I wouldn’t teach her how to serve the ball hard. She was being completely unreasonable.”

“Seriously?” I laugh loudly picturing the argument in my head, “Best kind of fights are the competitive ones.”

“She keeps me on my toes.” Hope shrugs as we walk into the next store. Alex and Tobin are in the store looking at jeans. “Oh great.”

“Oh stop it.” I smile at them and make my way over to where they are standing. “Hey what are you doing here?”

“Alex thinks she needs more clothes.” Tobin grunts.

“I do need more clothes Tobin. I haven’t gone shopping in months stop being a brat just because you can’t go surfing.”

“Tobs we can go tomorrow if ya want.” I offer.

“Fine. At least that way I’ll have someone to keep up with me.” She sticks her tongue out at Alex.

“You’re such a brat.” Alex glares, “Anyways what are you guys up to?”

“Operation fix Sydney and Kristie’s friendship.” I say amused at Hopes expression.

“Girls day?” Tobin says in a valley girl voice. “Out of all the things you chose to take Hope shopping?”

“I needed new clothes for-” I stopped myself not really sure if I should tell Alex and Tobin. They instantly knew I was hiding something by the look Alex gave me and Tobin’s smirk.

“For what Ash?” Tobin asks knowing I didn’t want to say.

“Hold on.” Hope says standing in front of me outstretching her arms in a protective stance, “Alright go ahead tell them.”

“What are you doing?” Tobin asked amused but confused.

“I’m protecting Ashlyn from Alex.” Hope tries to hide her smirk, “Just in case she decides to be a psycho again.”

“Hope you’re an asshole.” I mutter to her trying to suppress my own laughter. “I’m going to Ali’s roommates clothing launch event.”

“As her date.” Hope chimed in again loving every second of this.

“Oh that’s fun.” Alex says trying to be supportive but her eyes and posture tell me there is tension. I know Alex is being protective and that’s how she is but this isn’t something she needs to be protective of. She doesn’t understand that we are just friends.

“I’m doing her a favor it isn’t anything big.”

“Ashlyn you don’t have to justify yourself you can go on a date with anyone you choose don’t listen to Alex.”

“It’s not a date.” I emphasize for the millionth time.

“I’m not saying anything.” Alex blurts out in defense.

“You don’t have to your glare and posture told us everything you want to say.” Hope counters back.

“Alright alright let’s all just relax. I’m sure Alex isn’t meaning to make Ashlyn feel bad right babe?”

“No I’m not.” Alex’s voice is sad and I feel guilty for Hope ganging up on her.

“It’s okay Lex I know you’re not.” I smile encouragingly at her but she doesn’t return her smile back fully. “We’re going to head out. We will see you guys later.”

We left the store and walked down a couple of stores before I turn and slap Hope on the arm. I was angry that she called Alex out like that but I was angrier that Alex acted like she was mad.

“That was unnecessary.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Ashlyn you deserve to be happy and it’s unfair that Alex is letting her own issues make you feel bad for it.”  I knew Hope was right. There is something going on with Alex when it comes to me and Ali but I thought we were past it. I’m allowed to be friends with other people and Alex has to accept that.

“It isn’t a date.”

“Oh I know now let’s go find you an outfit.” Hope smiles at me giving me the courage to not let Alex get to me.

*

“Ashlyn you look fine stop worrying so much.” I hear Sydney from my doorway.

“I’m not worrying Syd.” I fix the scarf that I have on and throw my hair up in a bun. “Alright how do I look?”

“Gorgeous.”  I feel relieved once I get Sydney’s approval. It’s a simple outfit; skinny jeans, a nice top, a scarf, and boots I found yesterday but I’m still nervous. I don’t know why I’m nervous but I am.

“Alright good what time is it?” I breathe out trying to settle the nerves.

“Almost eight.”

“Alright I’m all set then.” Stop being nervous.

“I hope you have fun on your first date.” Sydney says it and I expect it to be teasingly but when I look at her she is actually being sincere.

“It is not a date.”

“Honey it’s a date.” Sydney smiles at me while slapping my butt before heading to her bedroom. “Knock em dead.”

I hear the doorbell ring so I glance at myself one more time and head to the door. When I open it Ali is standing there and she looks absolutely breath taking. I step out of the door quickly shutting it behind me because suddenly I’m not ready to let her into my home.

“Hey Ash.” She laughs lightly at my awkwardness. “You look nice.”

“You uh you look, you look beautiful Alex.” I clear my throat feeling stupid for my stutter but she is beautiful. Her dress, her hair, her smile, the gleam in her eyes is all captivating.

“Shall we?” She smiles brightly at me and all my nerves seem to crumble.

“We shall.” I joke back as we walk to her car.

*

I’ve never been to a launch party before but this is absolutely amazing. They rented out a huge warehouse and it is decorated in millions of lights. There is a stage playing with a band, huge screens with commercials on them, their clothing logo, and their clothes.

“This is insane.”

“Yeah I did a good job if I say so myself.” Ali smiles crinkling her nose.

“You did all of this?”

“I helped plan most of it I mean it is what I do for a living.” She laughs pulling me towards the stage. As we walk several different people come up to hug Ali and tell her she did an amazing job.

“Popular I see.” I tease her as the last person leaves.

“Welcome Everyone.” I hear a voice come from the stage once the music dies down, “We want to thank everyone for coming out tonight to help us release our first clothing line. A Sheep in Wolfs clothing symbolizes who we are as individuals. We will not be helpless, we will be empowered, and we let our clothing show that we are the true wolves.”  The girl has a short, messy, bleach blonde hair. People cheer to her words and I can’t say I don’t like the idea they have behind it.

“Like Megan has said our clothing speaks for us, we want everyone to feel powerful in their own skin and that’s what A Sheep in Wolfs clothing is all about. Thank you all for supporting us and making this happen. We love you.” Another girl speaks and she also has short blonde hair but it’s tamed compared to the taller girl.

“Now let’s party.”  The taller girl yells into the mike and immediately the music starts playing as everyone starts to jump around.

“So those two are your roommates?” I ask curiously.

“Yes they are eccentric but they’re amazing.” Ali smiles for the millionth time tonight, “Let’s introduce you?” She grabs my arm and pulls me through the crowd to an outside area that is a lot quieter then the loud music inside. It’s equally decorated but has tables that people can sit at. There are tables and tables of food, ice sculptures of wolves and sheep, and a bar outside.

“Megan and Lori.” Ali calls out as we make our way to the two girls. “This is amazing guys.”

“We couldn’t have done it without you Ali.” The shorter one smiles and hugs her.

“It’s true.” The taller one takes her turn to hug Ali.

“Guys this is my date let’s put emphasis on that so I’m not thrown out, Ashlyn.” She smiles a little brighter when she says my name.

“Ah so you’re the girl who has Ali all wound up. I’m Megan the beauty and the brains.” She extends her hand and I shake it happily.

“I know the feeling.” I joke back with her finding it easy to be around her.

“Another one like me? It’s about time I’m not outnumbered by these two mundane people.” She glares at Ali and Lori.

“Shut up Megan. I’m Lori it’s nice to finally meet you Ashlyn, we have heard a lot about you.” I really would like to know what Ali has said about me.

“Hopefully it’s all good.”

“Oh it is Ali is always-” Megan gets cut off by a little elbow to the side from Lori, “Always saying nice things of course.” She changes her answer.

“Well I’ve heard only good things about you guys as well.” I say trying to change the discussion to them so Ali doesn’t look like she’s ready to crawl into a hole.

“Of course she would we’re the only good things about her.” Lori pretends to whisper.

“Alright I’m going to go get us drinks.” Ali glares at them before turning to me, “What would you like?”

“A beer is fine.” I smile at her.

“Behave.” She glares at the other two who just smile innocently at her. She walks away and I can’t help but watch, the dress shows her bare back and it’s hard not to stare.

“So Ash we here you own a café?”

“Yeah I’ve had it up and running for a couple of months now.”

“That’s pretty impressive we know how difficult it is to start a business.” Lori adds in nodding her head in understanding.

“Well I don’t think it is as hard as starting a clothing line but your guys clothes are incredible. I saw the samples on the TV’s in there and it really is incredible, congratulations.”

“Thank you. You’re welcome to choose any of the clothes you like for free, it’s the least we can do for pretending to be Ali’s date tonight.” Megan offers.

“Pretending?”

“We know she would never have the guts to actually ask you so we figured she complained about it and you offered. We never would actually not let her in but we made her think it so she would get the courage or you would be kind enough to say you’d come.” Megan turns to Lori, “You owe me five bucks.”

“I thought she would ask you on a real one but I guess she is a chicken.”

“I didn’t come with her out of pity.” I look at the two, “I came because I wanted to be her date tonight.”

“See Ali if you had just asked her she would’ve said yes.” Megan smirks looking past me. I turn my head to see Ali standing there looking completely embarrassed.

“You guys are immature.” Ali shakes her head but she smiles still, “Go mingle.” Ali shoos them away before turning to me, “Thank you I wouldn’t have heard the end of it.”

“I’m not lying when I say I wanted to come with you tonight.” I look into her eyes, those soft brown eyes full of light and kindness.

“Thank you.” She says quietly.

“So how about you introduce me to some more people.”

*

I had been introduced to countless people in the last couple of hours. We even spent time in the warehouse dancing to music and socializing with everyone there. I watched Ali gracefully hold conversations with people she barely knew. Being friendly with every single person that came up to her and they all seemed to fall in love with her.

We came outside to take a breather and eat some food. The whole night has been so much fun and Lori and Megan are absolutely hilarious. We’ve been sitting at this table for a half an hour now telling stories and joking around. They remind me of my friends which makes it so easy to enjoy being around them.

“So Ash how did you guys meet again?” Lori asks me.

“I met her at the café she saw me shove a muffin into some guys face.” I think back to the first time we talked. “How long have you guys been living together?”

“For a couple years now actually, we all played soccer together when we were younger and got back together when she retired from soccer.” Megan tells me.

“Why did she end her career so abruptly?” I ask wanting to know this question ever since she told me she played for the national team. She was an upcoming star but after the Olympics she stopped playing.

“Personal reasons.” Is the only response I get from Lori and Megan.

“Here we go.” Megan breathes out and I follow her gaze to where Ali is at the bar. She’s standing there talking to some guy who is very close and very touchy.

“Who is that?”

“He is some douchebag from her work who has asked her out a handful of times but he doesn’t comprehend the word no.”

“Oh one of those guys.” I feel something twist in the pit of my stomach as I watch his hand slide down her arm.

“She tries to be polite and decline but she is too polite to tell him to fuck off and always hands up in his crosshairs.” Lori grunts. I watch as she turns to walk back but he grabs her wrist and that is enough for me.

I get up before I register what I’m doing and walk towards them. I wrap my arm around Ali’s waist and she jumps a little in surprise as I lean into her so he gets the idea.

“You okay?” I whisper into her ear but I know it looks like I’m kissing her head. She nods slightly turning her head towards me to meet my eyes.

“Ashlyn.” I extend my hand out to the guy who looks completely dumbfounded. He squeezes my hand tightly and I know he’s an asshole the instant he squeezes harder than necessary.

“Jason.” He says curtly, “We were in the middle of discussing something if you don’t mind giving us a moment.”

“I think I’m okay right here.” I pull Ali a little closer to me but he doesn’t seem to get the hint.

“I’m vice president of the-”

“That’s really fascinating.” I cut him off not caring what he does or who he is. All I know is I don’t like the way he touches her. “If you would excuse us I’d like to take my date back to our table.” I turn my gaze to her, “Only if you want to of course.”

“Jason it was lovely seeing you.” She smiles politely not wanting to start trouble, “Excuse us.”

We walk back to the table where Megan and Lori are clapping and cheering. Ali laughs lightly and I realize we walked this way the entire way with my arm around her waist. When Ali pulls away to sit down I can’t help but feel a tightness in my chest as her warmth disappears.

“That’s was brilliant.”

“I thought for sure he was going to hit you or something.”

“Thank you Ash.” Ali clears her throat looking a little taken back.

“You’re welcome.” I say smiling at her trying to gage how she feels, “I hope that was okay. I saw him grab your arm and I, well it made me, um I was-”

“Jealous?” Lori smirks.

“Hopelessly jealous.” Megan corrects her.

“Guys will you shut up-”

“I was.” I look at Ali confessing that what I had been feeling was jealous. She looks at me shyly as the other two my “ooh”. “Do you wanna dance?”

“Yes.” She answers and we stand up moving to the make shift dance floor outside with Lori and Megan cheering the entire time.

The music starts to play and I wrap my arm around her waist holding my other hand up for her to grab. We start to slowly dance to the music and I don’t feel like anyone else is around us.

“My friends can be a little overbearing sometimes.” Ali says apologetically.

“I think they’re great. They remind me of my friends honestly.” I laugh lightly.

“I hope you don’t mind how upfront they are.” I know she is worried that they make me uncomfortable with what they say but for some reason it doesn’t.

“Alex stop apologizing and just dance with me.” She nods lightly and we continue to dance. The music is a nice melody and I find myself getting carried away with each note.

We spend the rest of the night by each other’s side, enjoying each other’s company. I can’t remember the last time I felt that carefree. I loved every second that we spent with her friends, the atmosphere, and just hanging out with her.

“I had a really nice time tonight.” I tell Ali as she walks me to my door. She insisted it was the polite thing to do on the end of a date.

“Thank you for coming and dealing with my friends all night. It was really nice of you.”

“If you ever need a date again just ask.” I smile widely at her at seeing her nose crinkle.

“I’m sorry about my friends today and everything they were saying I know it was a bit forward.” She looks away before looking up to meet my eyes.

“I don’t mind Alex really.” I unconsciously step a little closer to her.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“Like what?” I ask not being able to control the good mood I’m in whenever I’m with her.

“That goofy smile you get that shows your dimple.” She pokes the spot where my dimple is and I feel electricity course through my cheek.

“They made me feel like you think I’m worth something.” I shrug telling her the truth.

“You are.” The next few seconds happen so fast it almost doesn’t seem real. Ali closes the gap between us her lips are pressed hesitantly against my own but after only a moment she moves hers, testing it. My mind is moving faster than it ever has to the point where I feel dizzy but her lips are soft and before I can stop myself I’m moving mine to match hers. She lifts her hands up pressing firmly on both sides of my face and it’s the only thing keeping me grounded. There’s a spark in our kiss that could light an entire row of fireworks. Nothing matters to me but her lips pressed to mine, all the times I saw her smile I never thought about her lips but now they’re the only thing my entire mind can register. My chest swells with the feeling of her lips against my own that leave me feeling completely breathless.

And then it’s over and the cold air fills the space where she just was. The coldness I feel is unwelcomed and I just want the warmth again.

 “I’m sorry.” She breathes out quickly, I look up and her eyes are terrified and she’s fidgeting with her necklace nervously. “I don’t know why I did that.” I go to comfort her but that’s when I see it. It’s a necklace that has an angel wing and I would recognize it anywhere. It’s the necklace I got for our one year anniversary.

“Where did you get this?” I whisper as I grab it in my hand, I turn it over to see the AH initialed on the back of it.

“I went on vacation with my brother and some friends we had gone geocaching because his friends are really into that. I found this in the back the box when I exchanged something of my own. I brought it back with this with a little note and I’ve worn it ever since.” She says it confused by my sudden question and what just happened between us.

I feel the weight of the necklace in my hand that feels just as heavy as the weight that I feel on my heart. Everything seems to slow down giving me enough time to let the weight of the situation come crashing down around me.

“I gave this necklace to Kelley for our one year anniversary.” I meet her eyes now and they match my own, guilt. “The initial on the back our mine, we vacationed at a cabin almost three years ago and went geocaching. That is what she put in it.” My limbs begin to feel heavy and I can’t seem to focus. My vision becomes blurry but there are no tears in my eyes.

“Ashlyn I’m so-”

“Oh my god.” What have I done? My mind screams at me.

“Ashlyn.” She begins again desperately.

“Please go.” I feel my legs threatening to buckle. I don’t look up to see her walk away but I can feel her presence disappearing.

“Kelley.” I whisper out but I’ve never felt as far away from her as I do now.


	13. Chapter 13

Ali 12:22am: I’m so sorry Ashlyn.

Hope 5:16am: Yeah I have no problem helping out at the café. I’ll make sure to talk to Lauren and Amy about coming in if necessary. I don’t really understand but if you need to talk or whatever let me know.

Sydney 6:48am: I just got your note where the hell are you?

Sydney 6:59am: Ashlyn O’Hara you better answer me.

Sydney 7:15am: How did you mess up Ash? You’re freaking me out. At least let me know you’re okay.

Sydney: 8:43am: If you don’t tell me I’m going to call Tobin and Alex and we both know you don’t want that.

Sydney 8:46am: That’s it I did it.

Sydney 9:10am: I love you Ashlyn please get ahold of me.

Tobin 9:17am: Dude where are you? Why am I getting calls about you being MIA?

Missed call from Ali

Missed call from Sydney

Missed call from Sydney

Missed call from Tobin

Missed call from Alex

Missed call from Alex

Voicemail from Alex.

 

“Ashlyn O’Hara if you don’t call me back in five minutes I swear to god I will call the cops and when they find you I will kill you. I love you please call us.”

I don’t look at my phone until I feel the warm humid air against my face. I breathe it in wanting the heat to overwhelm me instead of the thoughts that are making ruins in my head. I couldn’t stay at my house, I couldn’t sleep in a bed that I shared with Kelley for so many nights when I can still feel Ali’s lips.

“Hello.” I sigh out as I make my way through the streets.

“Where the fuck are you Ashlyn?” Alex practically yells into the phone.

“I’m fine Alex I just need to clear my head.” It’s vague but I can’t handle talking to anyone about what happened.

“Tell us where you are and we will come get you.”

“I just have to make it right.” I feel my eyes begin to sting but I swallow it back trying to hold myself together. It wasn’t supposed to be directed at Alex. It was directed for Kelley.

Her name seeps its way into the cracks that were created months ago.

“Ashlyn talk to me.” I could feel the plea in her voice but the only thing I could focus on is getting the courage to knock on the door.

I knock quickly matching the beating of my heart.

“Ashlyn?”

“Listen Lex I’m okay alright? I’ll call you in a little bit I promise.” I hang up preparing myself.

The door opens and I feel my breath disappear.

“Ashlyn?” She gapes at me in surprise as she realizes who is standing on her door step. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey Karen.” I stare into Kelley’s mom’s eyes trying to find the courage to tell her that I betrayed her daughter. “Surprise.”

*

Flying to Georgia was a rash decision but I had to get away from San Francisco and I have to tell her parents. It was my luck that Erin was here visiting her parents as well. Kelley and Erin were inseparable and beside Alex, Erin was the first person that Kelley went to about everything.

“Ash it’s so good to see you.” Erin comes up smiling pulling me into a hug, “What an awesome surprise.”

“It’s nice to see you too Erin.”

“We were just about to have a late breakfast early lunch so why don’t you go get settled in Kell’s room and we will get lunch ready.” Karen smiles happily at me.

I walk up to Kelley’s room where she lived for most of her life. Her room was decorated in posters from high school and college, all of the stuff she didn’t think she needed left behind in her room. I laugh bitterly because now I get to be one of those things left behind in her bedroom.

I touch the surfaces of Kelley’s room trying to soak in memories that I never got to learn. On her dresser there are pictures of her in high school with all of her friends and pictures of her and Alex on all of their crazy adventures. Then there is a picture of me and Kelley from when we visited her parents for Christmas the second year we dated. It was a Christmas sweater party and Kelley made me wear matching Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus sweaters that were hideous. She’s sitting on my lap laughing hysterically. I can tell because her eyes are squinted and her entire mouth is open and she’s bent over a little. I’m staring at her with these eyes and I can even remember thinking to myself how I was going to be a part of this family one day.

“Ashlyn.” I hear Erin’s voice and I look up from the picture, “Lunch is ready and I’m sure you’re starving.”

“Sounds good I am starving.” I smile warmly at her. Erin and I always got along and I think it was because she reminded me so much of Kelley.

“Yeah I bet so what brings you to Georgia.” Erin asks right away which reminds me so much of Kelley. Kelley always wanted to get right to the point.

“I missed you guys and thought an impromptu visit was in order.” It isn’t a lie but I know that isn’t really what she was looking for. I can tell by the look she gives me that she knows there is something else.

“So how are the girls in San Fran doing? Alex still refusing to get married?”

“Yeah but Tobin has been pretty persistent. How did you know?”

“Alex and I talk a lot.” She gives me a look telling me that I should’ve been doing the same, “She keeps me updated on everyone since somebody I know fails to stay in touch.” I know she is teasing me but I can’t help but feel guilty.

“I know I’ve been shitty at keeping in touch I don’t mean to be.”

“I’m only kidding with you Ashlyn, you’re a bore to talk to anyways.” She winks at me, “Well we can discuss more later but for now let’s eat.”

“Yeah I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Sounds good.” She smiles and it reminds me of Kelley. Kelley. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to stay focused.

I pull out my phone sending a text to Tobin telling her I’m in Georgia and that I’ll explain later on. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone because I don’t think I could handle the disappointment. I walk downstairs to join Kelley’s family in lunch, they’re all really happy to have me there which makes me feel a lot better.

“So Ashlyn, how have you been sweetheart? How is the café doing? We are so proud of you for opening it.”

“It’s going really well the business has really picked up for us. I’m really enjoying it.”

“And how is everyone else?” Dan, Kelley’s father asks me.

“Everyone is great, HAO is settling really nicely in Fresno, and I’m living with Kristie and Sydney now so that has been a real treat.”

“I can only imagine.” Erin laughs and I almost feel like it is Kelley sitting next to me. But no one is sitting next to me because the place next to me would be where Kelley sat. I remember all of the times Kelley and I sat in these exact chairs, the first time I met her family, our first Christmas together, first Easter, when we told them we we’re going to move in together, sitting with her siblings up all night telling stories, and the last time is when I stayed up late telling her parents I wanted to marry their daughter.

But now the seat next to me is empty. Empty with all the broken promises we made each other.

“How is everything here?” I ask sounding more serious because an occasional text, email, or phone call hasn’t allotted us enough time to see how we are really doing. “How are you guys?”

“We’re hanging in there some days are better than others.” Karen grabs Dan’s hand squeezing it, “We try to be strong for her because we know it’s what she wanted.”

“I just want you guys to know that she always talked about how you guys were the greatest parents in the world.” I take a moment to make sure I can hold my composure, “It meant the world to her when you guys came to visit. I think it made her stronger. And Erin you know you’re the best sister she could’ve ever asked for. She always said if she could be an ounce like you then she would be happy.” I look around to see her father wiping his eyes with a napkin, her mother and sister are both holding back tears. And I can’t hold it in, “She loved you and if I could’ve done anything to keep her here I would’ve. I would’ve done anything for her and you guys.”

“We know Ashlyn.” Her mother nods her head reassuringly at me, “We know.”

*

Lunch was a bit rocky so I spent some alone time in my room. I didn’t know how to face them and tell them that I’ve kissed someone else and now I question my feelings for her.

I hear a knock on my door and I find Erin standing in the doorway.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course you can.” I smile as she walks in and sits on the chair next to the bed. I’m holding the picture of us on Christmas in my hand.

“How are you enjoying the humidity that Georgia has to offer?” She teases lightly.

“My hair loves it.” I point to my hair that is reacting negatively to this humidity.

“I have conditioner that will help tame it down.” She laughs, “So Ash how have you been?”

“I’m hanging in there.” I don’t want to overwhelm Erin with my feelings especially since I haven’t seen her in a while. I stare back down at the picture wanting to remember happier times.

“You know she called me after you guys had been seeing each other for a couple weeks and told me she thought she found the one.” Erin smiles shaking her head at the memory, “I told her she was crazy but she said the only way she would be crazy is if she didn’t feel that way about you. She always knew that you were going to be the one.”

“We did fall for each other fast.” I stare at the picture not able to meet Erin’s eyes, “I’m sorry I haven’t been very good with keeping touch.”

“It’s okay Ashlyn we all know how hard this is on you. I think losing the love of your life is one of the hardest things to face in life. I just hate that it happened to you so soon.” Erin sniffles and I know she’s trying not to cry.

“I haven’t lost her she’s with me everywhere I go.” I look up wanting to comfort Erin. “I knew on our first date that she was going to be someone special to me. We went to the zoo and she was so excited even though she had already gone like four times. Then she took us to this café where she spilt her entire water on me. Instead of being embarrassed she laughed and I knew then she was exactly the person I wanted in my life.”

“She was a klutz.” Erin laughs, “I remember when we were younger she wanted to be a squirrel so she would practice climbing trees. Well she went to stand up to grab onto another branch but she slipped and fell right out of the tree. She had to get four stitches. She was always doing dumb stuff.”

“She loved life too much to play it safe.”

“I’m really glad you’re here Ashlyn because I feel like you bring a Kelley with you that was more than just the Kelley we knew.” Erin comes to sit on the bed next to me and for the next couple of hours we told each other stories that neither of us ever got to know from Kelley. We spent all of dinner and that evening telling stories of the girl we all loved. The more stories I heard the more I felt compelled to tell her of my mistake but I didn’t want to taint the memories she told me. So I held onto them close instead not wanting to miss a single detail.

*

“Why are you being so weird Ash?” Kelley stares at me as we walk down the boardwalk eating our ice cream.

“I’m not acting weird.” I shrug looking away. My nerves are taking over any thought in my head not giving me much room for conversation.

We continue to walk down the boardwalk in silence and I know Kelley is stewing because I won’t open up to her about what’s been bothering me lately. The problem is what’s been bothering me has to do with her and I don’t know how to tell her.

I reach my free hand over to her to hold her hand but she pulls it away. It’s such a typical Kelley thing to do to show me that she’s mad. So I try to hold her hand again but she continues to pull it away so I settle for wrapping my arm around her to get her close enough so I can kiss her cheek.

She ignores it and continues licking her ice cream so I let her fume while I try to get the words I’m looking for.

 “Shit.” I realize that my ice cream is melting all down my cone and hand. I walk over to the garbage throwing it away mad because I was the one who actually wanted ice cream.

“Here.” Kelley says handing me over her cup of ice cream.

“It’s okay babe I don’t need this.” I do actually want it but I don’t want to take her ice cream.

“I got a large knowing you would so just take it.”

“What do you mean you knew?”

“You always get a cone but you eat it so slow that it always melts so I got a large knowing it would happen. I knew you would pout because you wanted ice cream.” Kelley hands me the ice cream and continues walking down the boardwalk still mad at me.

Kelley has always been observant even when she’s being pulled in a million directions she always notices the small details. She uses this characteristic to take care of other people’s benefits. Watching her walk ahead upset with me about acting weird but still buying ice cream for me gives me the courage to finally tell her.

“I love you.” They leave my mouth as the weight of the past week leaves my shoulders.

Kelley immediately stops walking and turns to me looking with an expression I can’t read which is what scares me.

“I love you Kelley. No matter what has happened in my past or who I have met no one has ever compared to you. You shine brighter than anyone I have ever known because they all pale compared to you. I feel overwhelmed by how much I want to make you be a part of every single aspect of my life. It scares me that in this short amount of time you’ve moved me chemically more than anyone I have ever met in my life. I don’t know how to not love you.”

“That’s why you’ve been acting weird?” She asked me looking amused, “You were scared to tell me you loved me?

“Terrified.” I smile shyly.

“I love you.” It’s the first time those words have come from Kelley’s lips and it’s easily my favorite sentence she’s ever said. I realize the moment her lips meet mine that she does love me and that I am the luckiest girl to be able to call Kelley mine.

When you love someone the way I love Kelley you don’t let them go.

*

The memory of the first time I told Kelley I loved her has been playing over and over in my head like an old movie at a worn down theatre. I eat breakfast with Kelley’s family but tell them there is someplace I have to go. And they understand because they go there all the time to. I pull up and I can feel the weight of that day four years ago settle down on my shoulders. I touch the Iron Gate lightly that’s keeping me from the only thing my soul is truly compelled to. I walk slowly feeling my own pain magnify with each step and each name. The names are what haunt me until I fall upon the only name that has ever made me heart feel whole. I slowly reach out and touch the marble noticing my shaky hands as I go over the engraved name. I sit down in front of the stone overwhelmed by the hole that’s replaced my heart.

“Hey Kell.” I whisper hoping she can hear me. “This is my first time here but they have you under a huge tree which I know you would’ve loved.”

“You know I used to go to you for everything and now I’m finding it hard to talk to you. I just don’t know when it got this way Kell. I don’t wake up to the smell of your hair, the heat from your body, I don’t fight with you to share the covers, I don’t remember what it feels like to kiss you, or the way your skin felt, I can’t remember the way your laugh filled an entire room, I don’t remember what it was like to be yours. I don’t know when I began to feel like I lost you.”

“The memories that’s all I have and I know you said you didn’t want to be a memory but it’s so hard to remember. I’m so lonely it’s overwhelming I feel like I’m suffocating in loneliness. The only time I don’t feel that way is when…God how can I talk to you about this? How do I tell you that I’m in love with you but I feel so lonely and the only time I don’t is when I’m with her.”

I take in a deep breath trying to keep this courage to continue to tell Kelley how I feel.

“I know I have our friends at home but it’s not the same as when I had you there too. I love them all and they have helped so much but this loneliness never goes away. And then I met Ali and things changed, I didn’t notice it until now, but when I’m around her I don’t feel lonely and I don’t know what that means. ”

I cringe like Kelley is actually going to yell at me but it’s just silence and that’s why I continue.

“I know you know what happened…I’m sorry, I am so sorry for kissing her. I don’t know what I was thinking I just…you aren’t here. I love you Kelley but you’re not here and I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I love you I’m sorry.” I kiss my hand placing it firmly on her tombstone wishing she could feel how true my words are.

*

“Tobs.” I can already feel myself breaking down so I call Tobin.

“Ashlyn.” I hear Tobin actually sigh in relief. Tobin knows I’m safe so she has been giving me space but I have to tell someone and Tobin is my best friend she deserves to know too. “Ash what happened?”

“I, uh, I don’t, Tobin it just happened but I didn’t, damnit I can’t, god.” I sit there not being able to hold back the tears that I’ve been wanting to shed for so long.

“Did something happen with Ali?” Tobin doesn’t have to guess because she knows me and knows I wouldn’t fly out here for no reason.

“Yeah.” It comes out in a whisper. It keeps replaying over and over again in my head. The feel of Ali’s lips pressed against mine and the rush of feelings that came with it.

“What did she do?” Tobin whispers probably not wanting Alex to hear.

“She kissed me.”

 “Wow that’s huge.” Tobin didn’t say anything else she just sat there waiting for me to continue.

“And I kissed her back Tobin.” I hold my breath waiting for Tobin to freak out or yell and tell me how I messed up but she doesn’t. “We had such a good night and then she walked me to the door and kissed me. I didn’t realize what was going on until I pulled back and looked down and saw Kelley’s necklace.” I explain to Tobin how Ali had gotten the necklace from the geocache box and how I immediately came here after.

“Do you have feelings for her Ash?” The question catches me off guard even though it shouldn’t but I haven’t ever thought about it. Ali and I have always been just friends to me, I think she is beautiful and an amazing person but I never thought about my feelings for her. I didn’t know there even were feelings like that involved until she kissed me.

“I didn’t but now well I never gave it any thought honestly but she kissed me and, and well, god Tobin I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore I’m…I’m lost.”

“It’s okay Ashlyn.”

“It isn’t okay Tobin.” I wipe the tear that falls from my eyes.

“You can’t help how you feel and it seems to me that fate gave her that necklace.”

 “I just need to make it right. Let everyone know I’m fine and please don’t tell anyone.” I can’t listen to Tobin make up excuses for my mistakes anymore.

“I won’t dude I promise. I love you man and I hope you find what you’re looking for there and when you get home I will have ice cream waiting for you and we’re going to have a long talk.”

“Love you.” I wish I felt more relieved but she was one of many that I would have to tell and it’s hard to even think about leaving tomorrow to face everyone back home. For now I have to worry about facing her family here.

*

 

After I gathered my thoughts and composure I went back to the house and spent the day exploring the place where Kelley grew up with her mom and sister. We all ate a nice dinner together and we’ve been catching up ever since dinner. Karen, Erin, and I all sat in their living room drinking wine.

“We’re sad that you have to leave tomorrow.” Karen says after out laughter dies down. “It’s been so nice having you here.”

“I know but I can’t leave the café unattended for too long who knows what has gone wrong.”

“I just want you to know that you’re welcome to come here whenever you want. Even though Kelley is gone doesn’t mean you aren’t still a part of this family.” I know my time is rapidly approaching and I know I have to tell them.

“I just want you guys to know how much I love your daughter.” I try to steady my breathing. “She is the best thing that has happened to me, I’ll always be grateful for everything she brought into my life, and I will always love her more than anything.”

“We know that sweetie.” Karen smiles warmly at me.

“I didn’t just come here to surprise you guys I came here because there is something I have to tell you.”

“What is it Ash?” Erin asks me concern present in those eyes that remind me so much of the girl I love.

I stumble through everything that happened in the past couple of months not leaving out any detail. I tell them about the videos, the letters, and I tell them about everyone’s struggles and how Kelley has helped us. I told them about my feelings and by the time I’m done I feel out of breath, overwhelmed, but relieved to finally have everything of my chest. I tell them about Ali and everything that has happened since I met her up until the kiss and coming here. We sat there in quiet silence for longer then I would’ve liked. I can’t look up at them too ashamed to even make eye contact with either of them.

“Ashlyn.” I hear Karen’s voice but it isn’t angry it’s just sad, “It is okay.”

“No it isn’t.”

“You know when you and Kelley had been dating for a couple of months she called me to tell me about you. She told me she had met a girl who had the kindest heart. She told me how this girl was so loving and overwhelming that she didn’t think anyone could amount to her. I told her she’s young and to be careful but she told me that I had nothing to worry about because you would never hurt her. I had my hesitations because she told me how adventurous you were but then I met you and I knew why she loved you. You two matched each other in every single way and I never saw a love like it before. You made Kelley so happy.”

“I love your daughter and I’m so sorry if you think that I don’t because of my actions.”

“Ashlyn you’re allowed to move on.” Erin finally speaks, “Kelley is gone and you have to move on eventually. It isn’t fair for you to beat yourself up for having feelings for someone else.”

“I don’t want to move on from Kelley.” I shake my head letting the tears fall.

“We don’t expect you to move on from Kelley dear. A love like yours could never fade or disappear. What Erin is saying and what I want you to realize is that you are twenty six years old. You have so much more of your life to live and you shouldn’t have to live it alone. It is okay to meet people and even fall in love again. It doesn’t take away from what you had with Kelley or the love you have for her.”

“No one expects you to be alone for the rest of your life.” Erin adds in. “Kelley’s death is a tragedy for all of us but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to live in tragedy.”

“I’m scared that Kelley will think I’m leaving her behind, I already feel distant from her lately, and I don’t want her to think I don’t love her or that I’ll love someone more. I don’t think I could ever love anyone the way I love her. I don’t even know how to love someone else. I feel so guilty.”

Karen stands up to leave the room and I feel like I said something wrong but then she comes back with a DVD case in her hand with a letter with it. She walks over to me with tears in her own eyes.

“Ashlyn after Kelley passed we got a package in the mail. Kelley left me this letter and I think that it will explain everything to you. Kelley loved you and she would never want you to be unhappy or blame you for continuing your life.”

“You got these too?” I ask astonished.

“We all got some. Kelley thought she would have to take care of us after she passed and she really has been. It didn’t surprise me when you told me about your letters or videos because we have been getting them too. I knew you would be coming to us eventually about feeling guilty or having mixed feelings. Kelley knew you would be coming because she knows you better than anyone else.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Well we know you have to catch your flight early tomorrow so why don’t we all get some sleep?”

“Thank you guys for being so supportive. I was so scared that you guys would be angry with me because I know Kelley is your family.”

“Ash so are you. You’re an O’Hara and whether Kelley was here or not you are still a part of our family.”

“I love you guys.” I hugged them both feeling a little better but I can feel the significant weight that this letter and video hold. I go to bed saving the letter for tomorrow when I visit Kelley one more time before I leave.

*

I say my goodbyes early in the morning to Kelley’s family, well our family and it was bittersweet. I was so happy that they were supportive of me but leaving them was hard to do. I miss the O’Hara family but they agreed to come out to California as soon as they had a chance.

I drive the rental car to the graveyard where Kelley is buried. Sitting down in front of her tombstone like I had previously. This time feeling even more nervous than the first time.

“Hey Kell I’m sorry for the other day I never meant to leave like that. I talked to your mom and sister last night and got everything off of my chest. Your mom gave me a letter but it didn’t feel right reading it unless I was here with you.” I pull out the letter unfolding it to read the contents that have my stomach in knots.

_Mom,_

_I know this isn’t the first letter you’ve opened from me but it’s an equally important one. There is going to come a time when Ashlyn will come to Georgia to visit whether it’s planned or a surprise, but knowing her it will be a surprise. It may take her a while to tell you why she is there but she will eventually tell you. I love Ashlyn more than anything and this is so hard because I know when she comes to see you that she is going to be hurting. Her heart is going to be filled with guilt and I know she is going to be lost. I can’t be there for her to steer her in the right direction so I need you to. Eventually someone is going to capture Ashlyn’s heart and I do not want her to feel guilty about it. I know she is going to think that she is moving on without me but I need you to reassure her that she isn’t because I believe in the love she feels for me. I know she isn’t going to forget me or leave me behind because she and I both know our love could never disappear. It’s crazy to me to be writing this because I could never picture me without her but we know the time will come where she will be alone again. I love her and if I could I would have had her mine forever and she will be but she can’t be alone because of her stubborn loyalty. She deserves to meet new people whether it grows into a friendship or something more. I will not hold her back and you can’t let her feel like she has to. Release her from the torture she is putting herself through and please support her like you’ve supported me my entire life. Ashlyn was meant to shine, and I know people will be drawn to her brightness, and will want to know her. Let her know it’s okay to shine again and it’s okay to open herself up because people deserve to know her. She deserves happiness._

_She is too young to be a widow._

_Please give her this DVD and tell her to open it only when she is truly ready._

_I love you Mom. Tell everyone I love them, miss them, and to be strong._

_Love always,_

_Kelley._

I hold the letter close to me wishing nothing more than to have Kelley here with me now. Kelley is the epitome of a beautiful soul, she is selfless, loving, and she’s mine. It took me coming here and reading this letter to realize that Kelley will forever be mine and no matter what I will always truly be hers. These confusing feelings I have for Ali will never take away from the love I feel for Kelley.

“Thank you Kelley.” I stroke the tombstone hoping she can somehow feel the comforting touch, “You’ve always been my compass. I don’t want to be sad or lost anymore I just want to be able to be myself. I’m sorry for losing my way but I always find my way back to you. You will always be my past, present, and most importantly my future.”

I stand up to knowing my flight will be leaving soon.

“I have to go back to San Francisco and face reality again.” I reach into my pocket and pull out the small vile I brought from San Francisco. “Here is some sand from our beach; I wanted you to have a piece of it here with you for the mornings that you want to watch the sun rise. This way I’ll be here too.”

‘I love you Kelley.’


	14. Chapter 14

“Alex you need to calm down and stop fidgeting so much.” I know Tobin it’s only trying to help but every time she tells me to calm down the madder I get.

“Tobin she can’t keep avoiding everyone and holing herself up in her house.” I scoff loudly, “We are her best friends and she can’t even tell us what is wrong? She flew all the way to Georgia without telling anyone of us why. She’s been home for a couple of days and we haven’t even seen her except at the café which she acts like she is too busy to talk.”

“That’s because she is too busy at work, you know how well her business is doing, and if she wants to come to use she will.”

“That isn’t good enough for me Tobin.”

“Listen I have to head to work and so do you so just relax and tonight we will go see her for dinner alright?” Tobin kisses my forehead and I only feel a quick release before getting consumed with my thoughts.

I can’t help but worry about Ashlyn’s wellbeing.  She fluctuates between being good and seeming happy to looking completely miserable and shutting down. I want to help her but I just don’t know how and Tobin acts like it isn’t a big deal. I just want to know that she is okay but I don’t know how to get her to open up. Ashlyn was never one to share her feelings but Kelley changed that about her, she opened up with Kelley but now that she is gone I feel like Ashlyn is losing herself.

Tonight we are getting answers because we’re a family and if Kelley was here she wouldn’t let Ashlyn be like this.

*

During my lunch break I head over to the café to see if I can catch Ashlyn. I took the later lunch break in hopes that the café wouldn’t be so busy. To my luck the lunch rush has died down and Ashlyn is sitting there staring into space while Lauren takes the few customers that are here.

“Hey Ash.” I sit in front of her startling her out of her thoughts.

“Hey Lex what are you doing here?” Ashlyn frowns a little but she recovers quickly with a small smile. “The office doesn’t have your crunching numbers?”

“They do that’s why I’m late with lunch.”

“Well then what can we get you? The usual coffee and sandwich?” Ashlyn asks but barely waits for my answer as she yells to Hope through the window.

“Tell her to make it herself.” I hear Hope yell back which gets a smile from Ashlyn.

“Where is Tobin?” Ashlyn asks looking a little unhinged.

“She had some meetings today for her monthly budget and then I’m sure she is goofing around with a soccer ball somewhere.” Ashlyn hands me my coffee which helps to ease the tension I feel. “Listen Ash you’ve been home a couple of days now and I feel like I haven’t seen you at all. Why don’t we have a family dinner tonight at our place? We will even cook.”

“I don’t know-”

“Ashlyn please.” I cut her off because I know all she is going to tell me is an excuse. If I want to help her then I have to play my cards right. “Did I do something wrong to make you not want to hang out?”

“No of course not Lex I’ve just been busy.” She looks so fragile and I know she needs this more than anything.

“It’s just dinner with your friends alright?”

“Alright alright I’ll be there.” She finally gives in and I know we are that much closer to helping Ashlyn.

The door opens and Kristie walks in talking on her phone and by the look on her face I already know she is talking to Sydney. There has been a lot of tension lately between them and that look on her face is now solely reserved for Sydney.

“Don’t bother.” I hear Ashlyn say as we watch Kristie yell into the phone about something Sydney did wrong.

“I wasn’t-”

“Yes you were. I see the look in your eyes and I know that mind is spinning in there trying to figure out a way for them to make up. I know you Lex and I know when you plotting something.” Ashlyn gives me a knowing look and I know she knows what dinner is for. She doesn’t look relieved though she looks more worried.

“We’re a family I can’t help but worry when someone is upset.”

“And that’s why we love you.”

“One of many reasons.” I wink at her which gets a smile and a towel thrown at me. It’s nice to see Ashlyn smiling a little. I don’t know why she has been so distant lately but I think we are making baby steps to figure out why.

We make small talk for the rest of my break and Ashlyn finally seems to loosen up a little. I send Tobin a text to tell her to make her chili when she gets home and I go back to work feeling more at ease.

*

“Remember Lex lets not push her to talk or anything. When she is ready to talk to us she will so let’s just enjoy dinner tonight.” Tobin looks at me sternly.

“Sure yeah that sounds good.” I wave her off as I set out the bowls on the table.

“Alex I’m serious.” Tobin gives me a rare look that tells me to let it go. “Don’t pressure her.”

“Tobin I won’t.” I kiss Tobin so she will stop nagging me but I know she is hesitant about dinner. I just don’t really know why.

Ashlyn and KO come in right as Tobin is finishing her chili. KO comes prancing in, wiggling all over the place, so excited to see Tobin and I.

“Hey KO come here.” KO comes bouncing over almost toppling me to the floor. I sit down petting him behind his ears as he sniffs my shirt. “Has he eaten yet?”

“Not yet we went on a walk before we came here. I figured we would get some energy out.”

“Well I have some food you can have.” I kiss his snout before going to our pantry and scooping him some dog food into a bowl.

“Why do you have dog food?” Ashlyn asks extremely amused.

“Tobin picked it up she thought if she put food in the house then I would say it was okay to get a dog.” I give Tobin a look and she just shrugs smiling wide at both of us.

“I figured it KO ever came over and got hungry then he would be okay. Plus we stole him from Sydney and Kristie when you were away. We don’t want our boy in a hostile environment do we?” Tobin picks KO up and holds him like he is a child that’s hugging her.

“Tobin I didn’t think you were that strong.” Ashlyn jokes as KO destroys Tobin’s face with kisses.  Tobin walks into the living room and sits down with KO talking to him about how he is such a good boy and so handsome.

“I swear she loves that dog more than she loves us.” I laugh watching Tobin interact with KO.

“Are you starting to cave in? KO could definitely use a cousin.” Ashlyn teases but I just shoot her a playful glare. “Why don’t we all eat?”

We all sit down to eat and it actually goes really well. Ashlyn and Tobin are up to their usual antics and Tobin has Ashlyn crying over some story she told her about us. It feels like old times and I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness to not have my best friend to laugh like this with.

We finish dinner and were all in the kitchen drinking wine and cleaning up.  Tobin mentions how Sydney texted her today telling her to get our couch ready for her.

“I don’t know how they went from being best friends to always arguing it’s ridiculous the stuff they argue about.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Yeah well Sydney is fighting with her feelings for Kristie and Kristie is fighting with not wanting to acknowledge them.”

“Is it always that simple to feel such strong feelings for someone and despite complications be with them?” She turns her towards me.

“No it’s not but they have such strong feelings for each other and that should mean something.” I shrug.

“Yeah but what about Hope? Kristie and Sydney had feelings for a long time but Kristie met someone else who makes her happy. I know they had strong feelings but that doesn’t mean you can’t meet someone new.” There is a look in Ashlyn's eye that makes me feel like we aren’t talking about Kristie and Sydney anymore.

“You’re right but if you have a strong connection like they do than anyone else won’t compare. Hope and Kristie won’t last because Sydney will always be Kristie’s choice deep down.”

“Alright guys how about we watch a movie or something?” Tobin chimes in but I can’t let the feeling I have go.

“Ash, why did you go to Georgia?” I can see the look of disapproval on Tobin’s face and the terrified look on Ashlyn’s.

“I, I, well-” Ashlyn starts stammering off.

“Lex let it go.” Tobin warns me which just fuels the curiosity.

“Tobin I don’t know how you can just let it go but Ashlyn is clearly hurting.” I turn to Ashlyn to see the look in her eyes before turning back to Tobin, “There is something going on and we all need to talk about it.”

“No we don’t Alex this isn’t-”

“I kissed Ali.” I hear the words ringing in my ears but I can’t process them.

“What?” I turn to Ashlyn and the look in her eyes has changed. She doesn’t look hurt, she looks sad and confused. I see her jaw set and I know what she is telling me is true but I just can’t wrap my head around it. “What did you say?”

“I went to that event with Ali and at the end of the night she kissed me and I…and I kissed her back. I went to Georgia because I felt so guilty about it and I felt like I had to tell her family.”

“Wait this whole thing is because you kissed another girl? You feel guilty because of it.” I try to wrap my head around all of it not knowing whether I should be mad that she kissed another girl or because she didn’t tell me. “Kelley is my best friend-”

“We know Alex.” Tobin stands next to both of us but then I realize something.

“You knew? You knew this entire time that she kissed Ali and has these feelings and you didn’t tell me.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you Alex.” Tobin says her eyes pleading for me to understand. “It was something Ashlyn would have to tell you.”

“Does everyone know?” And the look on their faces tells me enough. “Does no one care about what Kelley would think or how she would feel? Is everyone ready to betray her?”

“Alex it’s not like that and you know-”

“You’ve been lying to me and hiding this so don’t tell me this isn’t what I’m making it out to be. If it was so right then you wouldn’t have kept it from me. This whole time you let me worry all day and night about Ashlyn when all along it’s because she’s found someone else. We promised we would always be open with each other.”

“Don’t be mad at Tobin, Alex. I asked her not to tell anyone.” Ashlyn tries to interject but it only makes me angrier.

“No you mean you asked her not to tell me.” I shake my head looking at both of them thinking I knew them better than anyone else, “I’m supposed to be your guy’s family. We we’re once a family, the four of us, we told each other everything we did everything together. Now what are we? Three people who keep things from each other? You kissed another girl that wasn’t Kelley. Kelley who was the most trustworthy loving person and you kissed someone else. You have feelings for someone else and then kept it from me.”

“Alex I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how.” Ashlyn grabs my arm so I can’t leave, “I love Kelley I just, I started to develop these feelings for Ali…I don’t know what happened and its eating me up inside. Can’t you understand that I just wanted to sort this out before I told you?”

I walk away from them feeling KO at my legs crying for my attention but I can’t stop for him. I have to get away.

“We were in this together but I guess we aren’t all in anymore are we?” I turn around one last time to look into the face of the two people I thought I could trust.

*

I don’t know how I found myself at this doorstep or how I even knew she lived here but I didn’t know where else to go. I knock on her door hesitant about how she will say but at this point I’m desperate.

“Alex?” She looks completely surprised and I try to push past the embarrassment.

“Hey Hope uh this is a little weird but do you think I could crash here tonight?”

“Sure.” Hope shrugs opening the door to let me in.

“Thank you I got into an argument with Ashlyn and Tobin so I don’t really have a place to go at the moment.” I shift uneasily but Hope doesn’t miss a beat.

“It’s about time they told you.” Hope leads me into her spare bedroom. “You can sleep here. There are towels in the hallway closet. Bathroom is down the hall and kitchen is that way. Are you hungry?”

“No I ate already.” I shake my head politely, “So you know about Ashlyn and Ali?”

“I expected it for a long time and I saw how nervous she was about going on that date with her. I only figured it was a matter of time before something happened.”

“I guess it isn’t a big deal to you since you didn’t know-”

“What? Know Kelley?” Hope sighs, “Why don’t I pour us some wine and we can talk about it?”

When it comes to Hope it’s kind of hard to say no to her, she has this demeanor where you just have to let her lead. Hope goes into the kitchen to grab some glasses and wine. She sits down next to me on her couch and hands me my glass.

“So you either figured it out on your own or they finally told you.” Hope begins as she pours a large amount of wine into my glass, “The question is why are you here and not there?”

“They lied to me.” Usually I wouldn’t open up especially to Hope but I feel like I need to talk to someone, “I spent the last like week worrying about Ashlyn and freaking out about it to everyone but this whole time everyone already knew what it was about. She kept this from me and we’re supposed to be open and honest about everything.”

“You know Ashlyn has been really beating herself up about kissing Ali. She felt like she betrayed her wife and that everyone would be against how she feels towards this girl who kind of just came in out of nowhere.”

“She should’ve told me.”

“Alex there is more to this than just having them keep it from you.” It’s like Hope can see right through me.

“I miss Kelley.” I feel all of my emotions come to the surface, “Kelley and I have been best friends since we were little and we went through everything together. She was a sister to me and now she is gone and I feel like I’m the only one who is still trying to hold on to her. We were this family and it was the four of us who did everything together. We never kept secrets, we told each other everything, almost too much actually. Now Kelley is gone and this piece of me is missing and our family isn’t a family anymore. Ashlyn is moving on to someone else I don’t even know and I can’t stand to see someone take Kelley’s place.”

“I think we both know that everyone still misses Kelley and wants to hold on to her but is it fair for Ashlyn to be alone the rest of her life because she lost her soul mate too soon? She can’t keep hurting the way she is.”

“I know but-” I wanted to argue but I was cut off by Hope’s front door opening.

“Hey babe I had to-” Kristie walks in suddenly but stops as soon as she sees me, “Alex? What are you doing here?”

“She found out.” Hope says nonchalantly getting up and kissing Kristie.

“Are you okay?” Kristie asks hesitantly. Why does everyone thing I am going to freak out?

“I don’t know has your entire family been keeping a secret from you?” I give her a pointed look so she knows I’m not pleased with anyone keeping this from me.

“Lex you know we love you but Ashlyn had to tell you herself.”

“So I’ve heard.” I take a large gulp of my wine wanting to just relax for a second.

“You know Ashlyn has been off lately and upset because she feels so guilty about what happened and we were a little shocked ourselves when we found out but I want what’s best for Ashlyn.”

“And you think that’s Ali?” I counter back.

“I’m not sure yet but if she makes Ashlyn happy then yes.”

“If Ali is what makes her so happy then why isn’t she with her? I haven’t even seen Ali around.”

“Well that’s because Ashlyn and her kind of left off on a bad note and Ash has been dealing with the repercussions of it.” Hope interjects for Kristie. Hope seems to know more about Ashlyn then any of us except for Tobin who wouldn’t tell me anyways.

“I think I’m going to head to bed and let this all sink in before I talk to anyone about it.” I stand up wanting to be alone, “Thank you Hope for letting me stay.”

“No problem.”

“Lex if you need anything I’ll be here okay?” Kristie offers.

“Thanks Kris goodnight guys.” I go into my bedroom but I don’t find comfort in this bed because all I want to be doing is sleeping with Tobin. I just can’t get over the fact that she kept this from me.

I check my phone then to see a couple missed calls from both of them and some text messages.

Tobin 8:32pm: Alex come back and we can talk about this.

Tobin 8:37pm: I’m sorry babe please call me so I know you’re safe.

Tobin 9:42pm: We just saw your car at Hope’s but please come home I can’t even remember the last time we spent a night apart. I love you.

Ashlyn 9:08pm: We need to talk about this Lex.

I set my alarm for tomorrow so I won’t be late for work but I know I won’t be going to be anytime soon. All I can think about is Kelley.

*

I spend the morning lost in my thoughts and can barely listen to any of the meetings I’m in today. I can’t handle being in this building anymore so I take my work with me but I don’t go home. I change into regular clothes that I keep at my office and decide to walk around.

There is a festival going on the boardwalk in my office so I decide to check it out. There are tables with an array of items for sale, balloons; there is a band playing, and a bunch of other activities. I walk along the boardwalk letting the life of people surrounding me distract me from my own life.

That was until I saw her.

She was standing a couple feet from me, her dark hair falling down her shoulders, her smile radiating the atmosphere with ease, and her eyes looking so kind staring at the little girl she was talking with. Her presence reminds me of Kelley and I think that made me walk up to her.

“Ali.”  I say her name and she immediately looks over to me caught off guard.

“Alex? Hi how are you?” She smiles lightly at me.

“Good. What are you doing here?”

“I helped organize this event to help raise money for various cancers. Five of us organized it and we each pick a cancer to raise money for. All profits go to appropriate organizations.”

“Is it part of your job for your firm?” I don’t know why I am interested but I can’t help it.

“No I volunteer at a cancer support group after work and some of the members suggested we do this so I helped put it together.” Ali is an actual sweetheart but it just makes me angry. I look at the table she is at and the sign hanging on it says learn about ovarian cancer.

“Your…your cancer of choice is ovarian cancer.” I feel stunned at the coincidence.

“My best friend passed away from ovarian cancer a couple of years ago.” Ali clears her throat feeling uncomfortable but all I can think about is how similar our situations are.

“Why did you kiss Ashlyn?” I see her shift uncomfortably under my gaze but she doesn’t back away or try to make excuses.

“Because I wanted to.” She shrugs looking apologetic, “I know it was probably too soon and I know she didn’t react to it how I would’ve liked but I couldn’t keep holding in my feelings.”

“I don’t think you realize what kind of pain you caused Ashlyn by doing that. She has been hurting and feeling guilty ever since. How could you? If you are as close as she says you are then you would know Kelley meant everything to her and you can’t just come in and take that away.”

“Believe me when I say this Alex that I feel more than enough guilt about the kiss. I know how much Kelley means to Ashlyn and I know she is still completely in love with her. I’m not trying to take that away and if I could I wouldn’t have feelings for Ashlyn, but I can’t help that. It also doesn’t mean I’m trying to replace Kelley because I wouldn’t even try to. Ashlyn talks about her with this light in her eye and I would never want that to disappear because of me.”

“Yeah well it already has. Your actions are ruining her so stop hurting her more than you already have. Ashlyn doesn’t deserve anymore pain.” I don’t want to listen to anything she has to say anymore. I walk away and can’t help feel the pang of guilt creep in at what I had just said. I know Ali wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt Ashlyn but she is and I won’t stand for it.

I get to the house to luckily find it empty because I’m not ready to deal with Tobin’s lecture or apology.  I sit on the couch and decide to call the only person I feel like I can’t turn to at this point.

“Hey Lex how’s it going?” The familiar voice already puts me at ease.

“Hey Erin it isn’t going so good.”

“Tell me what’s up Alex.” I hear the concern in her voice and it triggers something inside of me to finally let my feelings completely out.

“I’m so angry with everyone. No one told me that Ashlyn kissed another girl and I am just so angry. I’m angry that they are trying to leave Kelley behind like Ashlyn isn’t married or acting like Kelley wasn’t the love of Ashlyn’s life. We are supposed to be a family out here and no one is acting like it. Ashlyn is seeing some girl, Kristie and Sydney are fighting, and I can’t even bring myself to remarry Tobin. Everything is so broken but everyone is acting like its all better. It’s not better Erin because I don’t have my best friend anymore…I don’t have my best friend to go to, I just don’t have her, why isn’t she here with me?” By the time I finish I can barely understand anything I’m saying.

“Breathe Alex just breathe.” Erin continues to try to calm me down before she continues to speak, “Losing Kelley will never be fixed for anyone but people have to move on in life. You shouldn’t be stuck in the grief because Kell would never have wanted that. She would’ve given you a pint of ice cream, told you to finish it, and then get over it. Kelley doesn’t want you mourning forever Lex.”

“I just miss her so much.”

“We all do and don’t think that your friends don’t miss Kelley just because they are moving on. Kelley wants all of you to be happy and we need to do that for her no matter how hard it may seem.”

“I just don’t know how to accept Ashlyn having feelings for someone else.”

“You know Ashlyn was really confused and lost when she came here but I think you need to hear her out with this. I know it is hard to think about accepting that your best friend’s wife is starting to like someone else but Ashlyn deserves this. If Ali is how Ashlyn described her then she deserves someone like her.”

“Ali can’t make Ashlyn happy like Kelley did.”

“Maybe not but that isn’t for us to decide. This isn’t a competition between the two and I know you’re just being a protective best friend but you have to remember Ashlyn in this situation. Ashlyn lost the girl she loved and luckily for her she has found someone who helps lessen the pain so whether they develop into something more or stays the way it is, Ashlyn needs this.”

“I just feel like Kelley would be heartbroken if she was here.”

“But Kell isn’t here anymore Alex and Ashlyn can’t always be a widow it isn’t fair.”

“I ran into Ali today at this fair thing and I kind of told her that she hurt Ashlyn and to not do it again.” I tell Erin because I don’t know why I feel the guilt from it still.

“I wouldn’t expect anything else from you Lex.” Erin laughs softly, “You are an amazing friend and I know Kelley would be proud. I have to go I have a meeting in a couple of minutes but I want you to talk to Ashlyn okay?”

“Okay I will. I love you I’ll call you later.” I hang up the phone feeling confused by how Erin responded on the phone and how supportive she was of Ashlyn. I try not to think about it and take a nap instead to try and clear my head.

*

“Alex wake up.” I feel Tobin press her lips lightly against my temple as she wraps her arm around me. “Come on babe I know you’re awake.”

“I know but if I open my eyes I’ll still be mad at you so I’d rather stay like this while I can.”

“We can stay like this all day then.” She whispers and we lay like that for a while. Tobin has always helped to calm me down even when she is kind of the reason I feel the way I do.

“You know I miss her every day.” I hear Tobin whisper. “I miss her all the time actually.”

“I just don’t want her to be forgotten.” I say feeling the fresh tears beginning to well in my eyes.

“Hey look at me.” Tobin says and I turn around to face her on the bed, “No one could ever forget Kelley and we all agreed that we would live our lives to the best and fullest that we could remember?”

“Yes I do but I never thought we would all still be broken at this point.”

“We will have issues and obstacles to get passed but we all get through them because of Kelley and the strength that she gave us. Kelley is with all of us every day.”

“I just need my best friend right now.” I say honestly, “My journal reminds me of so many stories where we were always there for each other no matter what. We got through everything together but now I have to get through everything by myself.”

“That isn’t true Lex.” Tobin kisses my forehead before getting off the bed and going into our closet. A moment later she hands me an envelope, “She is always here for you.” Tobin kisses me lightly before leaving the room.

 _Read this when you can’t stop being a protective best friend._ I read the writing on the envelope and open the letter to find Kelley’s handwriting once again.

_Lex,_

_I want you to know how truly blessed I am to have you as my best friend for what has seemed like a lifetime. I want you to know I miss you every day. I know how hard it must be since I left because I know it would be hard for me if you had left me. Just know I have not left you, I will be here for as long as you need me even if it isn’t in person. I know that you are struggling right now with accepting some choices that Ashlyn may be making now. There is going to be a time when Ashlyn finally meets someone who will make her happy again.  Ashlyn has always been a good judge of character so I know this person is going to be kind-hearted, caring, giving, and open to accept Ashlyn and all of her emotions. I know how hard it is going to be for her to accept someone into her life the way she had accepted me. I know she will struggle with guilt but I need you to help push her. I need you to be open to accept this new person into her life and yours as well. I know it will be hard because you’re my best friend and your instincts will fight against my wishes but you have to let her in. I want to give Ashlyn all of my blessing to be with someone, I want her to completely engulf herself in someone new. I want her to let someone in who will fall in love with Ashlyn’s smile, her amazing personality, and her heart._

_Ashlyn deserves to be loved and to love again. I will forever love Ashlyn and I know she will love me continuously but she can’t be alone forever. I will not let her let her life pass on by without experiencing love again. It will never be like the love we feel for each other but it will be an epic love and I want that for her. So please let your protective barrier for me down and open your arms to the girl Ashlyn chooses because I know she must be pretty damn special for Ashlyn to be with her._

_Don’t let her be afraid, be her strength in this. Ashlyn is going to need two best friends to deal with this so I need you and Tobin to take care of her._

_You will always be my best friend and I will forever be yours Alexandra Morgan._

_I am ready to experience these new adventures in Ashlyn’s life and I need you to be too._

_I’m in._

_I love you,_

_Kelley._

   
“Oh Kelley.” I shake my head lightly as I stand up to do what I should’ve known to do all along. I walk into the kitchen grabbing my keys.

“Where are you going Alex?” Tobin asks looking concerned but all I can do is rush over to her and kiss her.

“You’re an amazing best friend Tobin.” I kiss Tobin again, “Ashlyn is lucky to have you.”

“She is lucky to have both of us. Do you want me to come with you?”

“No I have to talk to her on my own.” I kiss her one more time before walking away to leave. “I love you Tobin.”

“I love you Alex.”

*

I go over to the café to see if Ashlyn is there but she isn’t so I head to her house but it is empty. I walk into the back to see her sitting in her usual spot on the beach. Ashlyn always went there with Kelley or to be alone and think. I make my way down to the beach and sit next to her.

“Hey Ash.” I smile at her.

“Hey Lex.” She smiles sadly at me, “You okay?”

“No.” I shake my head lightly, “Because I’ve been so busy being Kelley’s best friend that I haven’t even had a chance to be yours.”

 “I’m not letting her go Alex.” Ashlyn sighs lightly turning back to look at the sun which is beginning to set on the oceans horizon. “Everything reminds me of her. The ocean, the sand, our house, KO, the rain, my wedding ring, the café, Sunday mornings, the stars, and especially you…everything reminds me of her. She isn’t here but I always think of her. I miss her so badly that it physical hurts, I always hurt. I need her here like, like it’s like a need you can never satisfy. It’s like trying to find a missing part of you that will always be lost. I don’t know how to be without Kelley it’s like I’m in the middle of an ocean trying to find my way back to shore but I can’t swim. Without Kelley I’m drowning but Ali… when I’m with her she helps me breathe again. I feel like I can come up for air when I’m with her. She doesn’t make me feel so alone. I love Kelley and I’ll always be hers but I can’t drown forever.”

I can hear the pain in Ashlyn’s voice when she finally accepts what Kelley has been telling us both. Ashlyn doesn’t have Kelley physically here anymore and we have to accept that. Kelley isn’t going to come back one day and our lives will just magically go back to the way they were. We have to move forward as painful as that is.

“You deserve to meet someone again so that you can make their life as amazing as you made Kelley’s. You have so much love in your heart that it’s enough to give to two people.”

“I’ll always love Kelley more than anything or anyone.” Ashlyn says earnestly wanting to make sure I know her true feelings but I do.

“If I’m sure of anything it’s of how much you love Kell. But I have a feeling that Ali is going to be a huge part of your life.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because when I look at her for some reason it is like I see a piece of Kelley in her. There is something about Ali that is welcoming and I think she is exactly what you need.”

“Thank you Lex for being here for me even though I know how hard it must be for you.” Ashlyn places her head on my shoulder wrapping her arm around mine and intertwining our hands.

“I’ll always be here for you that is what friends are for.”

“You really are one of my best friends Lex.”

“Ashlyn I may have done something that you may be mad at.” I say remembering what I had said to Ali just earlier today.

“It can wait until tomorrow. Did I ever tell you about the time Kelley thought it would be smart to have a sandcastle competition against these little kids?” Ashlyn asks me lightly, letting the memory of Kelley lift her spirits.

“No but I’d love to know it.” I smile looking out at the sunset as Ashlyn goes into an animated tale about Kelley. I can’t help but feel like Kelley is with us as I hear Ashlyn laugh loudly as her story continues and feel my own laughter fill inside of me. I let Ashlyn tell me stories of Kelley because we both need to feel Kelley with us and for the first time I feel like my best friend is with me again.


	15. Chapter 15

“I don’t want to ever be without you.” She says it with so much conviction that I don’t think I could ever believe anything else.

“You never will be.” I reply happily.

“I love you.” She replies to me her smile widening with each syllable.

“I love you so much.” I lean in to kiss her. “You’re everything to me Alexandra Krieger.”

*

I feel my skin crawl as I bolt upright from my bed, breathing heavily as the panic swirls inside of me. It’s been several weeks since our kiss after the clothing event we had gone to and for some reason I fell back itno the guilt of it all. I thought I was going to be fine and I thought I knew what I wanted but then these dreams started happening and something shifted. I walk out to the kitchen wanting to escape the thoughts that the dreams leave in my head. I make some tea and I sit in the dark just wanting to escape these nightmares that I have. They seem so real it leaves my stomach in knots.

I hear the front door open and the lights slowly turn on making the pathway to the kitchen.

“Well hello.” I say in the darkness causing Sydney to scream.

“What the hell are you doing Ashlyn?” She says and I notice her slurred words.

“The better question is what the hell are you doing?” I cock my eyebrow at her messy hair and skin tight dress.

“I went out for some drinks with some friends from the gym.” She shrugs looking in the fridge for something to eat.

“Did Kristie go with you?” I ask curious as how their relationship is.

“I asked her if she wanted to but it ended the same way it always does when we talk now. Arguing, bickering, and being assholes to each other.”

“You know Sydney if you love her you’re supposed to be wooing her not making her mad at you.”

“I’d rather woo tequila.”

“Yeah well don’t go back down that road Syd.”

“I’m not Ashlyn. I just didn’t want to stay in tonight so I went out and had a couple of drinks.” She pulls out leftovers and starts heating them up in the microwave. “Why are you up so late?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

“I keep having nightmares that seem all too real.” I rub my eyes trying to get rid of the image of her lips on mine.

“Are they about Kelley?” She asks hesitantly.

“No and that’s the problem.” I sigh heavily into my mug of tea.

“Oh I see.” Sydney shakes her head in understanding despite the fact that she is drunk. “Well maybe if you actually talk to the person you keep having nightmares about then it will go away.

“In the dreams it feels so real.” I barely listen to Sydney’s response because all I can think about is the loving look Ali was giving me and how content I was with just her. The problem with the nightmare is it’s not a nightmare at all, it’s like a dream.

“And when you wake up do you feel the same way?”

“I like her as a person I think she is amazing.” I shrug not being able to differentiate from reality and dreams right now.

“I think you feel guilty for avoiding Ali because Alex made you feel guilty about moving on from Kelley. I think you aren’t dreaming of Kelley because you’re afraid of what Alex said even though we all know it’s not true. I think your dreams are just the guilt you feel.”

“You’re drunk?” I laugh lightly as I realize what Sydney is saying is probably exactly what is going on. I feel guilty for not talking to Ali because she didn’t do anything wrong and I feel guilty because of what Alex said. “Maybe you should always be drunk I think you’re right Sydney.”

“Well duh.” Sydney says dramatically, “I’m going to bed wanna come cuddle?”

“Sure.” I laugh following her into her room, hoping I can sleep in peace.

*

I haven’t found solace at night even after the realization that the dreams probably stem from still feeling guilty. I continue to have these dreams and they haunt me. These dreams leave me frustrated and feeling hopeless with my thoughts and emotions.

“Easy there.” Tobin breaks me out of my concentration as I hit the punching bag one last time. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.” I punch the bag again.

“You’re punching this like you’re punching someone. You can talk to me if you want.” Tobin shrugs but I don’t want to talk.

“I’m fine.”  

“Sydney said you haven’t been able to sleep lately.” Tobin comments trying to get me to talk about what’s been bothering me, but I can’t.

“Yeah it happens.”

“Hey take a break and talk to me.” She continues to press.

“I don’t have anything to talk about Tobin can you drop it? I didn’t come here to be interrogated. I came here so I could work out.”

“Alright dude but I’m here if you need to talk.”

“I know.” I continue to punch the bag just wanting to let out my frustrations.

“So have you talked to Ali since you’ve been back?” Tobin asks like she doesn’t already know the answer.

“No.”

“Do you plan on it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ashlyn none of us are judging you for developing feelings for someone else. I thought this is what you wanted?”

“Yeah well I’m judging me.” I stop to take a breather wiping the sweat off of my forehead. “I don’t know what I want. I feel like its okay one second and it’s not the next.”

“Alright well its worth a shot isn’t it? I mean if you still feel this way after talking to her then you’ll know it is not meant to be.”

“We aren’t even anything and I’m already having this conversation.” I scoff at how ridiculous I’ve been acting. “I don’t know if she even likes me for me to be freaking out over a simple kiss. This is all so stupid.”

“Okay just try not to worry about it. Maybe we should call it a day and head to work.” Tobin suggests and I don’t bother to argue just wanting to get through this day.

*

It’s the breakfast rush and it seems busier than it’s ever been. We’ve been advertising the café and have gotten so many new customers over the past couple of weeks. We have all been busting our asses this morning.

“Ash you okay today?” Lauren asks in between orders “You seem a little distracted.”

“No I’m good don’t worry.” I give her a smile but it’s forced and she knows it.

“She’s right Ash.” Hope says through the window as she brings up an order for me. “Either snap out of it or go home dude. Go get some sleep you look wrecked.”

“Well thanks for that Hope.”

“Ignore her Ash she is just upset because I made better omelets than her earlier.” ARod chimes in happily.

The door dings open then and as I look I feel my throat tighten as Ali walks in with Megan and Lori with some other girl I don’t know. They’re laughing together as the girl puts her hand on Ali’s arm. I feel a pang of something inside of me that isn’t welcomed.

“Hey Lauren.” Ali smiled at Lauren, her nose crinkling and I forget how much I missed that.

“Hey Ali.” Lauren smiles back, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I know just been busy I guess.” She looks almost sad, I want to comfort her but I know I can’t. “Anyways this is Lori, Megan, my roommates, and Christen, we work together and they have been dying to try this place so we decided to come before work.”

“Well take a seat and we will get you something to eat.” They sit at the bar and that’s when Ali notices me. Her face falls quickly before she regains her composure with a smile.

“Hey Ashlyn.” Her smile doesn’t crinkle her nose but her eyes shine brightly at me. “How have you been?”

“I’m good.” I can’t stop dreaming about you and its ruining everything is what I want to say, “How are you?”

“I’m okay you remember Lori and Megan.” I direct my attention smiling at her roommate because looking in her eyes all I picture is kissing her.

“How could she forget us.” Lori says shaking my hand again. “We figured we would be seeing you around more what’s the deal?”

“Yeah I’ve just been you know, uh…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence I was getting to worked up.

“Cats got your tongue?” Megan teases and I swear I hear under Lori’s breath her say that Ali has my tongue. And I know I’m right when Ali sends a swift slap to Lori’s arm and with a glare that could kill.

“No I’ve just been really busy, I went out of town for a couple days.”

“Yeah? Where did you go?” Megan asks sounding genuinely curious.

“I went to Georgia.” I shrug answering her.

“Georgia? Doesn’t seem like much of a vacation place.”

“I went to visit my wife’s family.” I see the expressions on everyone’s face which makes me quickly want to elaborate. “I haven’t seen them since her funeral so I thought it would be time for a visit.”

“We’re sorry to hear about your loss, truly.” Megan says seriously and I can see the sympathy on her face.

 “Thank you um so is there anything I can get for you?” I direct the conversation in a different direction and with some help they all finally order what they want then I move onto Ali.

“Your usual?” I ask her and her smile brightens. She is so gorgeous and I can’t help but to continue to stare at her.

“Of course thank you Ash.” I find the muscles in my mouth to smile for the first time in a while because of her smile.

“What do you think I should get.” I hear the girl I almost forgot about speak up as she places her hand on Ali’s arm. My blood boils seeing her make contact with Ali and the way she’s looking at her.

“Oh um their garden omelet is really good.” Ali suggests lightly not seeming to care about their closeness as they look at the menu.

“Alright I’ll have that.” Christen looks up at me smiling.

“I’ll put it in right now.” I feel deflated now thinking about Ali with someone else. I try not to think about it so I go back to helping other customers. Occasionally I glance their way to see Lori and Megan with a playful smirk and Ali looking completely embarrassed.

“This isn’t what I ordered?” A lady comes up to me, her mug is completely empty, but she continues to complain that her order was wrong.

“What did you order ma’am?” I ask her and she repeats back to me her order. “Alright I will make you a new one.”

I make her a new drink with what she wanted and hand it to her. She takes a sip of it and says that it’s not what she ordered. My patience is running thin so I have her watch me make it again so she can see that I’m making it exactly how she wants it. She takes the new drink, takes another sip, and then another, and after she drinks almost the entirety of the mug says she hates it and she doesn’t want it.

I tell her that it’s what she ordered and I apologize that she doesn’t like her drink but then she starts to throw a fit.

“What do you want ma’am?”

“My money back.” She spits out at me.

“Fine.” I give her, her money back but she tells me she paid more than what I’m giving her.

“Ma’am you ordered a medium which is three dollars so here are your three dollars. I have to get back to work I apologize that you didn’t like the way we make our coffee.” I turn to leave but then she starts yelling that she ordered food that she didn’t like as well and wanted her money back.

“If I don’t get my money back I will call the cops.” This lady is probably in her late forties and cheap and I have run out of patience.

“Call them then.” I shrug ignoring her to take more orders.  She continues to yell at me, and yell through the café telling her I’m a crook and no one should eat here.

“Hope did she order anything?” I yell loud enough for her to hear.

“No she didn’t.” Hope says sternly.

“Ma’am you didn’t even order food we have your slip right here. Now I need you to remove yourself from my café, and take the scene you’re causing to somewhere else.”

She looks at me like she’s about to say something but instead goes over to the chalk board wall and starts wiping off quotes that people have written over the past couple of months and that’s when I snap.

I walk up to her, grabbing her wrist hard I shove her lightly away from the wall. “If you don’t get out of my café I’ll call the cops myself on you. You’re no longer welcomed here. Now get out.”

“Assault.” She yells loudly as everyone quiets. “I’m going to have you arrested for assault.”

“I don’t care now get out.” I yell and I can feel my face become hot and the veins in my neck protruding out. I step towards her challenging her.

“Ashlyn.” I hear Hope’s stern voice but I don’t back down.

“I’ll have this place shut down by tomorrow.” The lady shouts loudly.

“Then so be it.” I clench my fists trying to control the rage. All I can see is red and the lady standing before me.

“You need to leave.” I hear her voice next to me as a hand wraps around my fist. “I already called the cops and they are coming to remove you from the property.” I feel her fingers interlace through mine. I can feel my heart start to slow and the redness start to die down.

“You’ll be hearing from me.” The woman spits out.

“Don’t bother coming back here we will just call the cops again.”  Ali says warningly and the lady turns around abruptly and storms out the door.

As the rage starts to slowly disappear my surroundings become clearer. There are customers staring at me, some look away, but others look on with curious expressions on their face. So much for advertising because I think I just scared my client base away.

“That lady was crazy.” Megan says out loud and I see a few nods in agreement. “Cheers to not letting anyone get us down.”

“Cheers to being uplifted.” Lori shouts loudly and to my surprise people actually cheer with her holding up there drink. I turn to her nodding my thank you.

“Can I help whose next?” Lauren says trying to distract the customers.

“You okay?” I hear Ali whisper next to me. I look at her and she has so much concern for me in her eyes. I forget were holding hands until I feel her give me a light squeeze and it becomes too much.

“I need a breather.” I let go of her hand and walk out of the café. I walk out of the café into the fresh air right as I feel like I’m running out of air.

“Ashlyn.” I hear her voice and all I want to do is scream so I keep walking. “Ashlyn wait up.”

“What is it Alex? What do you want?” I feel my voice rising.

“I want to make sure you’re okay.” I know I hurt her feelings by raising my voice but I can’t help it.

“No I’m not okay so please just leave me alone.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone if you’re not okay.” She presses on ignoring my pleas. “What is bothering you because the girl I just saw in there wasn’t the Ashlyn I know.”

“I love Kelley.” I don’t know why I say it but I feel like I have to tell her. I have to tell her I love Kelley and that these dreams are lies.

“I know you love Kelley, Ashlyn.” She says to me sadly.

“Ever since she died I’ve been on this rollercoaster where I’m happy and fine one minute and then the next I’m completely lost. I was doing okay I really was and then you kissed me. You kissed me and I kissed you back and now I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know how to cope with losing Kelley and my feelings.”

“When Carm died I felt the same way and I still do honestly but I found ways to try to help me cope.”

“Like what?”

“I went to a support group for cancer survivors, cancer patients, and people who are dealing or have lost loved ones to cancer.”

“That isn’t something I’m interested in.” I reject her suggestion because a support group won’t help me. Seeing other people suffering won’t help anything.

“I didn’t think so either but I met some incredible people then.” Her eyes look distant and sad, “I met some who changed my life and made me want to continue life despite the loss of my best friend. She gave me a second chance.” Ali looks away then not meeting me gaze.

“Who gave you a second chance?”

“Someone incredible who helped give me a chance to make up for my regrets…she’s gone now.” 

“I’m sorry Alex to hear that.”

“It’s okay it just showed me that there is always more than being the person who lost someone.”

“I don’t think I can be anyone else.” I shrug not wanting to listen anymore.

“I’m sorry to hear that but if you ever change your mind here is where they hold them.” Ali passes me a card with information on it but I just put it into my pocket.

“Thanks, you better get in there before Hope gets mad if you let her food get cold.” I turn around to leave but Alex grabs my arm stopping me.

“I want to be sorry for kissing you, I really do, but I’m not.” She searches my eyes and I know she sees something in them because she grabs the necklace from around her neck and yanks it off, and hands it to me.

“This isn’t mine to keep.”

*

 I didn’t want to go home so I decided to come to the beach with KO to swim and relax. As I push my feet into the sand trying to push away my thoughts I realize that this isn’t helping. I can’t get rid of my thoughts and thinking of Ali.

“You know Ash some people are going to start thinking you’re a loser always sitting out here by yourself.” I look over to see Alex sitting next to me, she must’ve been running on the beach because she’s a sweaty mess.

“Are you joking? I invited all of these people to the beach.” I gesture to all of the strangers. “You’re the loser here because you weren’t even invited.” Alex gives me her signature smirk before sitting down next to me.

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Alex always knows how to get right to the point.

“I was at work today and this lady was being a real bitch and started wiping off the quotes on the wall so I grabbed her and shoved her. I don’t know why I got so angry, I mean I’ve dealt with assholes before but I wanted to hit her.”

“But you didn’t hit her.” Alex points out trying to make me feel better.

“Yeah because Ali, well because Ali intercepted before it got out of control.” I don’t bother to meet Alex’s gaze.

“So she helped calm you down? Sounds like someone else we know.” Alex lightly nudges my arm. “You know it is okay Ashlyn, to give Ali a chance. We both know Kelley would want it and honestly I bet Ali and Kelley would’ve gotten along really well. Kelley would approve of Ali and I know that sounds messed up but she would.”

“I know she would.” I press the palms of my hands into my eyes. “I’m not good for Ali though. She has been so amazing and I’m just a mess. I’m too up and down to be with plus there is the whole I’m in love with my wife for you to even compete against. How can I give myself to another person when I’m still in love with Kelley?”

“I think Ali is someone who is worth trying for. And I think she understands how you feel about Kelley.”

“Doesn’t matter.” I sigh heavily, “My emotions are too out of control to even try and be anything.”

“You know Ali’s friend passed away from ovarian cancer too so I think if there was anyone who understood how you were feeling she would be one of them.”

“How do you know Carm died from ovarian cancer?”

“Well she goes to the café almost every night and I may have gotten some things out of Lauren, Hope, and Kristie.”

“What are you doing recon or something?” I ask Alex and I know the sly smile she gives me means that’s exactly what she’s been up to.

“Perhaps.” She shrugs standing up, holding her hands out to me, “The point is she can help you but you just have to stop being afraid.”

“I’ll stop being afraid when you actually marry Tobin.” I give her a pointed look that is returned with her best glare.

“We are married Ash.” She pushes me lightly, “Let’s go grab something to eat I’m starving.”

*

Talking to Alex made me feel better but laying here in my bed alone brought back the negative thoughts in my head. Ali had so easily calmed me down today, she was so concerned, and willing to help. I miss talking to her but that doesn’t take away the fact that whenever I think of her I get a knot in my stomach because of Kelley.

“Help me out Kell.” I breathe out into the empty spaces in our bedroom. “I miss you and I need you to help me.”

I close my eyes and turn on my side to the empty space that’s beside me praying that when I open my eyes, she will be there.

I open my eyes to see the unmade side of the bed, the untouched pillow, and the night stand that isn’t full of half empty water bottles anymore.

“I just needed you.” I close my eyes tightly wanting to fight away the burning in my eyes.

I get up feeling an urge to try and be as close as possible to Kelley. I open our closet door which still stores all of Kelley’s clothes with mine. I run my hand along all of the fabric trying to remember what she felt like in them. I stop at her favorite Stanford sweatshirt; she always teased me telling me I could never wear it because I was the enemy since I went to UNC. I lift it up pulling it over my head wanting for a moment to get lost in the faint smell of Kelley.

‘I don’t know if I will be able to do this all over again with someone else.’

I look to the box that was given to us by Kelley, the box that seems to hold all of our answers. I walk over to it staring down at the potential context that this box holds. I lift it up feeling the weight of the words heavily against my arms as I sit down on the bed.

I open the box slowly like if I do it to fast all of the words will escape and I’ll forever feel lost. There are still letters to be read, and DVDs to be watched. I skim through the letters and DVD’s seeing the written words on each one but none hitting home like it should.

_If you ever need help_

I open the letter with shaky hands.

_Ashlyn,_

_There is going to come a time when you need help but I know you’ll be too stubborn to ask. You’ll be confused, lonely, sad, angry, or even feel guilty. I know you babe and if you feel anything guilty about my passing or you moving on with your life please don’t. If you need someone to guide you then it can’t be me. I will always be here for you and you can turn to me even though I am not around. But it is time for you to seek help within yourself or within another. I wish I could give you all of the answers but I can’t. You have such an amazing support system so open up to the people who you’re surrounded with. Let new people enter your life and help you when you need someone._

_Let them help you be more._

_Let them in._

_There isn’t a day that I don’t think about you, or miss you. Let these letters hold the weight of my love in your hand. Let it bring you comfort that I physically can’t anymore._

_I love you,_

_Always._

_Kelley._

As I read the letters hand written on this page I begin to feel the same clarity I do every time I hold one of these letters in my hand. I look at the clock to see the time and I know if I leave now I can make it on time.

*

I took me five minutes to get to the place but fifteen minutes to actually get the courage to walk inside. I knew it had already started because I could hear the clapping and the voices. I stood there frozen thinking that it was a bad idea to come but the words written in my mind were what gave me enough courage to finally go inside.

The room is small, cozy, and there is probably fifteen to twenty people occupying the seats. I find a seat in the back so no one notices my late arrival. There was a woman speaking right now but my mind couldn’t catch up to actually listen to her speak.

A couple other people went up after her but I couldn’t seem to focus on their words. The only thing that caught my attention was their eyes. Their eyes held a pain that I think only comes with death. They had smiles on their faces, and laughter escaping their mouths, but that pain never left and I begin to wonder if mine hold the same. That’s when I begin to listen to their stories, to see how the pain stayed in their eyes.

I heard stories of friendships, family, loved ones and the emotional struggle each person dealt with. It was inspiring and I began to feel less alone with each story I heard. There was one woman who hadn’t spoken to her son because they had a falling out. It wasn’t until he was extremely sick that they rekindled. She spoke about the guilt she felt and how she wishes she had put aside their differences and was a better mom. Most of all of them spoke about guilt though, spoke about the guilt of not saying everything they needed, doing everything they could, but mostly moving forward without their loved ones.

“It’s a relief isn’t it?” I hear her voice next to mine.

“Hmm?”

“Relief knowing you aren’t the only one who has these feelings.”

“It’s sad to see so many people carrying this burden.”

“You’re right it is.”

“Does it ever go away?”

“I’m still waiting to find out.” Ali’s voice is small and I when I finally turn my head to look at her I see the same pain reflected in her kind, brown eyes. There is something in her eyes besides the pain, there is an uncertainty but mostly I feel like there is guilt.

I turn my head away from her as the next speaker begins.

I feel her hand over to mine as she lightly squeezes it. That small gesture is enough to fill the ache inside of me; there is warmth under her touch that helps to ignite something inside of me. It thaws a piece of me that’s been hardened since Kelley’s death.

As I intertwine my hand with hers, I feel the same peace when I’m with her. It’s a calming sensation like walking through the woods on a brisk fall morning. Or driving in a car with your favorite music playing in the summer with the windows down and the sun is starting to set. I may be confused about everything and my emotions may be out of control but right now all I can think about is her touch and how calm she makes me feel, and for now that’s all that matters.

I turn to her as I stare lightly at her profile as she watches the speaker in front of us and I finally say what I’ve wanted to since that night after the party.

“I’m not sorry that you kissed me either.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been a long couple months but I finally finished this chapter. It was difficult to write for some reason but I hope you enjoy it!

I hear my phone go off but I refuse to acknowledge it because no one should be calling someone at 5:30am. I ignore the annoying buzzing against the night stand until it finally stops. I begin to fall back asleep when the buzzing starts again and I internally groan wishing I had just turned it off last night.

“Babe this is the first time in a month that I haven’t had to go in to work at the crack of dawn, answer the phone or its going out the window.” Hope grumbles pushing her face deeper into the pillow.

“I’m sorry, sorry.” I grab my phone and leave the room not wanting to keep Hope up any more. “Why the hell are you calling me so early?” I huff out into the phone.

“Well hello to you too.” She grumbles.

“What is it?”

“I was just asking if you needed a ride to today’s session since I know your cars still at the house.” I hear the sadness in her voice and for a moment I let myself feel bad.

“Oh shit I completely forgot…um yeah can you pick me up?” I ask waiting for the snotty remark back.

“Yeah I’ll be there in twenty.” She hangs up the phone and I feel surprised about how semi decent the phone call was.

I walk into the bedroom quietly to get some of my stuff for the session we have with two clients. I try to move as slowly and quietly as possible so I don’t wake up Hope. I putting on my shoes and attempting to make my hair look somewhat decent when I jump forward and scream.

“Oh my god you scared the shit out of me.” I breathe out as I realize Hope is standing behind me holding my waist. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” Her voice is a tired mumble against my shoulder “Come back to bed.”

“I can’t I have a training session today that I forgot about.”

“Skip it.” She kisses my shoulder, “come lay with me for a while.”

“Rain check okay? I can’t skip out on Sydney again.” I turn around wrapping my arms around her neck.

“Fair enough.” She starts to lean in for a kiss when my phone starts to buzz on the counter. “Doesn’t she have impeccable timing.”

“I’ll see you later alright?” I kiss her quickly before walking out the door.

I feel myself getting anxious as I walk down the steps to Sydney’s car. The past couple of months have been nothing but arguments with Sydney. It’s come to the point where we can’t even be around each other and I honestly just don’t know why. I look up to see Sydney smiling at me through the window and I wave at her like as a white flag.

“Hey thanks for picking me up.” I say opening the door.

“Yeah no problem.” Sydney doesn’t say anything else and the tightness in my chest presents itself again whenever I’m with her or think about her. Things are so different.

“So how’s everything been?” I know I should say more than this, so much more needs to be said but I can’t find the words to even try.

“It’s been good.”

“Well what have you been up to?”

“Nothing really just working a lot.” Sydney says reminding me of all of the clients I’ve been missing.

“Yeah sorry I haven’t been to a lot of the set ups lately.”

“It’s okay.” She says it politely but for some reason it strikes me the wrong way.

“There isn’t any need for attitude Sydney.” I shake my head annoyed, “I was apologizing.”

“I wasn’t giving you attitude Kristie.” She says but I’m already in a bad mood.

“I don’t know what your problem is all the time.” I sneer.

“You’d know if you ever bothered to be around.” Shots fired and the white flag is immediately taken away.

“Why would I want to be when all you do is make rude comments the moment we start talking.” I scoff angrily, “Why would I even bother?”

“You’re right sorry.” Sydney never ends a fight so I’m immediately taken back when she doesn’t throw another jab at me.

“Listen I’m sorry alright? I know we haven’t spent any time together and honestly it’s because all we do is fight. You’ve been so different since I started dating Hope and-”

“You have too.” Sydney cuts in. I don’t know what to say and I feel like I’m rendered speechless. I don’t think I’ve changed at all. I think Sydney is jealous that I’m not always around and catering to whatever she wants.

“Just because I have a girlfriend now doesn’t mean that I’ve changed.”

“Its not about-.” Sydney says turning to me, she changes her mind then and doesn’t say what she was going to, “Let’s just go.”

“Let’s get this over with.” I mumble walking ahead of her into the gym.

*

We went through the training session smoothly without any comments or issues. Sydney even pretended like she wanted to be around me which was refreshing for a change.

“That went really well.” I smile at her trying to forget the argument in the car and letting the endorphins take over.

“Yeah and they are paying us more than we usually charge so a couple more months of this or maybe even permanent and we will be doing good.” Sydney sounds in a better mood too which gets my hopes up. “I’m going to grab a coffee thru the drive thru do you want anything?”

“Well why don’t we just go back to the house, shower quick, and we can grab lunch?” I offer as a peace offering, I do miss Sydney I just have been busy and not getting along hasn’t helped.

“Yeah that sounds good.”

We get to the house and shower quickly, I use our bathroom and Sydney showered in Ashlyn’s. I look in my room for clean clothes but most of my stuff is either dirty or at Hopes. When I get out of the shower I walk into Sydney’s room hoping to borrow some clothes.

Sydney is standing there in underwear looking in her drawers and I feel my face flush as she turns around and see me standing there.

“Whats up?” She asks with an amused look on her face?”

“Uh all my clothes are dirty can I borrow some?”

“Yeah go for it.” She laughs, “You’ll look fashionable for once.” She teases.

“For the love of God Syd, I am fashionable.” I glare at her because despite my efforts she never thinks I have a good fashion sense.

“Kristie most of your stuff was bought when I was with you that’s the only reasons why.” She banters as she hooks her bra. I watch her for a moment taking in how smooth her back looks and the huge tattoo covering it. I always loved Sydney’s tattoos and how they always meant so much to her.

“You going to grab some clothes or keep staring at me?” Sydney remarks without even turning around and I instantly blush again.

“I, I wasn’t staring I was just…” She pulls her shirt over her head and finally turns around.

“It’s okay Kristie.” She looks me up and down, “I used to stare too.” And with that she walks out of the room leaving me confused as to what just happened.

*

“Whoa am I seeing this correctly? Kristie is that you? Here in the flesh?” Ashlyn immediately teases me as soon as we walk through the door.

“Hello to you too.” Sydney glares taking her seat in her usual spot. “Coffee please.”

“Kristie, you want some coffee too?” Ashlyn asks as she pours Sydney a cup.

“Yes please, we had a set up at six this morning so I’m dead.” I smile accepting the warm mug from her.

“I’m surprised you guys even made it this morning because I know its Hope’s day off so I figured you guys did something last night and Syd over here.” Ashlyn smiles suggestively, “You were out late last night so I’m guessing your night went well?”

“It was decent.” Syd looks down at her coffee but I see the faint smile on her face.

“What are you talking about?” I begin to ask but get cut off by Sydney.

“Nothing.”

“Oh please Syd, you were so nervous last night.” Ashlyn teases and I can see Syd getting embarrassed. “Sydney had a hot date last night.”

“I didn’t know you were going on a date last night.” I hear the accusation in my voice and I know everyone else does.

“Uh I’m sorry?” Sydney looks at me confused.

“Its…” I want to say its fine but I know that it isn’t, “It’s fine I just, well you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to know that kind of stuff you’re never-” Sydney catches herself and takes a sip of her coffee to stop from the sentence I hear from everyone. All of my friends make comments that I am never around anymore which isn’t true, but it still gets annoying.

We go back to eating in silence as Ashlyn and Sydney had a conversation with their eyes. They act like I don’t notice but I notice everything. Just as I was about to say something to them the door clings and I can see Ashlyn visible tense. When I turn around Ali is standing there.

“Hey Ali.” Lauren welcomes her first, smiling at her as she hands her a menu.

“Hey Lauren just grabbing a coffee.” She smiles warmly back at Lauren, “Hey Ashlyn.”

“He-,” Ashlyn nervously drops the silverware she was holding, “Uh sorry.” She bends down to pick it all up, “How, how you doing? I mean how are you doing? How are you, doing good? You good?” I can see Sydney covering her face trying not to laugh which amuses me even more.

“Um yeah I’m good,” I see the amused smile on Ali’s face because of how frantic Ashlyn seems from talking to her. “How are you Ash?”

“I’m great.” Ashlyn’s smile is bigger than I have seen in a while and I know it’s because of Ali.

“I’ll hand her, her coffee Ash.” Lauren jokes around as she passes Ali’s coffee to go, “Wouldn’t want you to spill it.”

“Shut up Lauren.” Ashlyn glares back. “Anyways have, have a good day.” Ashlyn focuses her attention back on Ali.

“Yeah, you too Ash.” Ali looks down hesitantly like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. “Alright bye guys.” We all say our goodbyes and watch as she leaves. I know as soon as the door shuts Ashlyn is going to get hell.

“What the hell was that?” Sydney bursts out laughing. “I have never seen you like that before.”

“Guys don’t make fun of her.” ARod scolds from the opening in the window.

“What was that?” I ask Ashlyn who is beat red.

“Nothing.” Ashlyn turns around to continue putting the dishes and silverware away.

“They made up or progressed because Ashlyn went to the support group and admitted that she wasn’t sorry for kissing Ali but she’s too much of a chicken to ask her out on a date.”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are Ashlyn, you keep waiting for her to make the first move, but hello! She already did remember and then you freaked out, which is fine, but come on now.” Sydney scoffs.

“That isn’t true.”

“Then prove it.” Everyone turns to look at me, “Go ask her out right now.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Yes it is Ashlyn, if you like someone then you tell them. If you want to go on a date with her then be brave and ask her. Don’t live in the fear of someone rejecting you.”

Ashlyn gives me a look like she wants to argue it but then she runs out of the café. We all turn to look at each other and then sit there in anticipation. Ashlyn walks in almost ten minutes later, face flushed, and a little out of breath. We all look at her expectantly but she keeps quiet.

“Well did you do it?” Sydney finally asks impatient.

“I asked her if she wanted to get dinner and she said yes.”

“That’s awesome Ash!”

“See told you!”

“What’s wrong though?” Lauren notices the guilty look on Ashlyn’s face.

“Well I was about to just ask her to dinner but then I asked her if she wanted to go with me and Kristie…and Sydney.”

“You did what?” Sydney turns quickly. “Why did you say us?”

“I don’t know I panicked, please guys don’t leave me hanging on this alright?”

“Ashlyn, can I speak to you for a second?” Sydney says through gritted teeth. Sydney and Ashlyn go into the back room and immediately you can hear harsh whispers.

My curiousity gets the best of me so I get up and go around to stand near the door. I ignore the stern glare from Lauren.

“Why would you put me in-”

“I’m sorry okay? I panicked Sydney but this isn’t a bad thing.” Ashlyn tries to explain.

“How is it not a bad thing? I’m chaperoning your date with my best friend who has a girlfriend.” Sydney huffs out.

“Sydney you’ve told me how much you miss her so this is the perfect time to be able to hang out.”

“You don’t get it Ashlyn.”

“I get it Sydney okay? I know that you think she doesn’t want to be around you but that isn’t true okay? We know that isn’t true.” I didn’t know Sydney felt this way and I can’t help but feel the pang of guilty.

“Could’ve fooled me.” She whispers exasperately.

 “If you want to hear the conversation then you should join it.” Lauren smirks as she pushes me through the kitchen door. Sydney and Ashlyn abruptly turn around as I stumble through the door.

“Uh hey guys.” I say straightening myself, “I was just seeing what you were up to…and I was just going to say that I’m in for dinner.”

“Seriously?” They both ask surprised. I don’t want Sydney to feel like I don’t want to be around her because that isn’t it. I don’t know why we are the way we are but I don’t like it either.

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be its just dinner right?”

“Right.” They respond together again which is starting to get weird. They both are looking at me like something is going on that I’m not allowed in on. I stare at them trying to figure out why they are acting so weird when Sydney finally responds.

 “Alright great but I think we should probably head out. I know its Hope’s day off.” Sydney smiles forcefully as she places money on the counter. “See ya guys and Ash I’ll see you at home.” Sydney gets up walking out of the store.

“I’ll see you guys later okay?” I go to turn away when Ashlyn steps a little in front of me.

“You know you should follow your own advice once in a while.” Ashlyn looks at me with an endearing stare but I don’t understand what she’s trying to say. “You know about being brave.”

“Okay.” I’m confused by what she is trying to imply.

“See you tonight.” She smiles before heading back to behind the counter.

I get to the car and Sydney looks like she is furiously texting. I open the door and she shoots up throwing her phone in the process.

“Shit.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” I say grabbing her phone from the floor and passing it to her. I notice that she’s texting Alex and I’m sure it’s about the double date.

“It’s okay.” Sydney says clearly distracted. She pulls out and the ride is fairly quick luckily because the silence is overwhelming. We pull up to Hope’s apartment and I’m not sure what to do now.

“Thank you for the ride and hanging out, it was fun.” I say awkwardly.

“Yeah no problem Kristie,” Sydney smiles, “Alright what is it? I can see the look on your face something is on your mind.”

“No there-”

“Kristie, spill.” Sydney glares expectantly.

“I just realize that we really haven’t spent any time together in a long time and I don’t even know what is going on with you.” I shrug trying to play it off like it isn’t a big deal. “I’m glad we’re going with them tonight because I really want to spend time with you.”

“Me too Kris.” Sydney responds genuinely happy and I really do feel excited about hanging out tonight. “See you at seven.”

“See you then Syd.” I smile before getting out and heading up to the apartment. When I get inside, Hope isn’t there but she left a note saying she was running some errands. I decide now would be the best time to get in a nap so I’m not exhausted tonight.

I lay down feeling excited for the first time in awhile.

*

I feel a kiss on my forehead followed by a familiar arm placing down against my back.

“Hi.” I mumble out lightly trying to wake myself up from my nap.

“Hey you.” Hope hums out in a voice that is reserved only for me. “How long have you been asleep?”

“About an hour or two.” I stretch rolling over so I’m on my back. “Where have you been?”

“I had to run some errands so I was getting them done while you were working. You were still gone when I woke up so I figured I would get them done while you were out.” She kisses me so softly in a way that still surprises me.

“I don’t know how someone who looks so fierce and scary can be so gentle.” I hum out closing my eyes.

“What do you mean?” Hope asks quirking an eyebrow.

“Well you come off as so tough and I don’t know intimidating to so many people, but with me you’re so caring, soft I guess.”

“Well you’re different.” She kisses me again.

“I’m glad I am.” I smile feeling so content being with Hope. Hope has helped me in ways I didn’t know she could. She brings out a different side of me that I’ve learned to love. She makes me feel wanted and needed. She lets me in and lets me help her and I haven’t felt that in a long time. I haven’t felt that way in almost ten months.

“Hey pretty girl, you listening?” Hopes voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

“I’m sorry what?”

“I asked if you wanted to make dinner tonight, stay in, watch a movie?” Hope asks smiling at me amusingly. Hope always says my mind wanders and it intrigues her for some reason.

“Shit babe, I promised Ashlyn and Sydney that I would go to dinner with them tonight. Ashlyn was afraid to ask Ali on a date so we kind of dared her into it but she dragged us in on it so now we are all going to get dinner.” I finish my sentence just as Hope pulls away.

“Wait, you’re going on a double date with Ashlyn, Ali, and Sydney?” Hope’s eyes change like they do when she is upset and I inwardly brace myself for this conversation.

“It’s not a double date Hope, we’re just going to help her out.”

“It sounds like a double date to me Kristie. I mean you’re going with Ashlyn and Ali who clearly like each other and with Sydney who you used to have feelings for and who has feelings for you.”

“No she doesn’t.” I say quickly trying to diffuse the situation. “and she even went on a date last night so pretty sure it’s not a double date. She is my best friend and we are just helping her out okay?”

“Alright.”

“Hope, come on.” I say sitting up a little wanting to make her feel better but not really knowing how.

“Listen, I’m going to help Ashlyn out and honestly I haven’t seen Syd in a long time. I’m always here-”

“I tell you-” Hope cuts me off but I already know what she’s going to say. It’s the same conversation we have had so many times already. Since Hope and I started dating a couple months ago we have spent pretty much every single day together. Hope constantly tells me to go to the house and hang out with my friends. She constantly tries to push me to spend more time with them because she doesn’t want me to feel like I have to be with her, but I like to. I am safe and content being here and she doesn’t get it.

“Stop right there.” I hold my hand up over her mouth, “I know you tell me to see them and I know that I don’t. I’m going to hang out with them now and it means nothing else okay? I wish you and Sydney could just get along.”

“I tried.” Hope looks away dejected.

“Hey I know alright?” I say calmer, “I’m going to go to dinner with them and then we can watch a movie after.”

“Alright.” She nods but I know she isn’t happy. “I’m going to go take a bath, are you coming?”

“Yes.” I let her lead me to the bathroom and I let the water wash away all of her worries.

*

I knock on my own house door twice before realizing how stupid I am. I walk in to Ashlyn pushing Sydney towards the door and Sydney whispering to her.

“What are you guys doing?” I chuckle.

“Ashlyn wouldn’t answer the door because she thought it was Ali so she’s trying to make me.” Sydney pushes Ashlyn away a little, “Wait why did you knock on the door?”

“Now you look dumb.” Ashlyn laughs and Sydney joins in.

“Shut up guys.” I glare playfully at both of them.

“Kristie you’re dressed quite nicely for the occasion.” I hear Tobin’s voice as she makes her way into the room.

“Are you guys coming too?” I ask seeing Alex follow closely behind her.

“Yeah we refuse to not be invited on a double date.” Tobin explains, “Plus we want to get to know Ali too.”

“All together again.” Alex smiles excitedly, “I’m excited.” I feel my anxiety spike as I think about being with all of them and I just don’t understand why.

Right then there is a knock at the door and we all turn to Ashlyn expectantly. Ashlyn just stands there look at the door but I can tell her mind is elsewhere. She’s playing with her ring on her finger and I think she’s starting to regret asking Ali out.

“Ash you going to answer the door?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn shakes her head as she walks to the door. She opens the door and we all wait for her to let Ali in.

“Hey Alex.” Ashlyn’s voice immediately turning warm, “You look amazing.”

“Thank you, you look beautiful.” Ali replies and I can almost see Ashlyn blushing.

“Come in please.” Ashlyn moves out of the way.

“Hey guys.” Ali smiles brightly at all of us. Her smile is warm, her eyes unbelievably kind, and her smile is contagious. I can see why Ashlyn got caught on her.

“You look smokin’ girl.” Sydney compliments Ali who laughs.

“Do we want to get going?” Ashlyn breathes shakily, visibly seeing the effect she has on her.

“Let’s do it.” Alex smiles encouraging Ashlyn. We all head out to the cars and go to our first destination.

*

“No Ashlyn thought she was so smooth in college she goes up to this girl and literally pretends to be French. She’s saying all of this stuff in French, and she didn’t know what she was saying at all.” Everyone laughs at Tobin’s story of Ashlyn’s futile attempts at picking up girls. We had gotten into sharing stories about college. Tobin and Ashlyn always had such hilarious stories from college.

“What a stud.” Sydney laughs.

“Hold on guys.” Alex grumbles waiting for Tobin to finish.

“Well the girl thought it was so cute that it actually ended up working.” Tobin shakes her head, “The girl ended up giving Ash her number.”

“Unbelievable.” I shake myself fighting through the nerves I feel and wanting to make the best of this conversation.

Ali is looking at her with an amused look and Ashlyn looks completely embarrassed but enjoying herself.  She has been silently listening to all of us converse. I know it is a lot to take in being around all of us.

“You guys are ridiculous.” Alex scoffs looking disgusted at hearing stories of Tobin and Ashlyn’s past.

“Oh stop acting like you and Kell didn’t have your own stories. We all know the story of you trying to convince people you were famous.” Tobin laughs through a mouthful of food. “How did that go for you?”

“Yeah well it’s not as bad as the time you and Ashlyn that you would show off on your longboards and ended up colliding with each other in front of those girls.”

“Yeah but they ended up buying us ice cream.” Tobin fires back cockily loving the reaction she gets out of Alex. “I’m sorry Ash and I had more game then you and Kelley.”

“More game? Is that what you’re calling it? Should we remind you have the time-” Alex tries to argue back but Ash cuts her off before she can finish.

“Alright alright I used to be somewhat of a player but I have toned it down dramatically, let’s talk about something else.” Ashlyn darts her eyes towards Ali’s direction.

“Thank god.” Alex smirks, not noticing Ashlyn’s request to stop talking about her past, “I couldn’t handle you two if you still did that shit.”

“Aw babe you would’ve loved us either way.”

“I’m surprised you even fell for her to begin with after the first time you met them.” Syd laughs and I realize how much I’ve missed that sound, “Seriously awful.”

“I know but they redeemed themselves very quickly.” Alex smiles kissing Tobin.

“That is true we did ask you guys out in the cutest way.” Tobin agrees.

“How did you guys ask them out?” Ali asks and we all go quiet at the look Ashlyn is giving us. No one realized that when we were talking we were talking about Kelley as well. It just seemed so natural to talk about them in pairs. I realize now how awkward it must be for Ashlyn and Ali for us to be talking about Kelley and Ashlyn together.

“We can change the subject.” Ashlyn whispers to Ali trying to diffuse the situation. Ali looks towards Ashlyn with this look in her eye of complete understanding. Ali has been listening to all of us tell stories and joke around the entire dinner. She has been observing us and learning a lot about us and has been a good sport about it.

 “Are you okay?” Ali says softly trying to make it unnoticeable.

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Ashlyn looks at her sadly. I can tell how hard it is talking about Kelley in general because of everything that has happened. I know she feels even worse because she is supposed to be on a date with Ali, but talking about her wife. I can still see how scared Ashlyn is to be doing this.

“It’s okay, I want to hear these stories, as long as you want me to.” Ali smiles reassuringly placing her hand on Ashlyn’s giving it a squeeze. Ashlyn visibly calms and nods her head. “Now tell me how did you two manage to redeem yourselves?” Ali turns to Tobin.

“Well Ash and I both decided that we wanted Alex and Kell to be our girlfriends. We had taken them on like ten dates and we were really feeling them.” Tobin winks at Alex who just rolls her eyes, “Anyways Ash came into my bedroom freaking out because she realized she wanted to be exclusive with Kelley.”

“I didn’t freak out.”

“Yes you did.” Sydney and I say at the same time and I cant help but follow Sydney’s smile with my own.

“No I didn’t I just got a little nervous it’s not a big deal.”

“Please you were full out pacing Ash.”

“Alright so Ashlyn was freaking out and then what?” Ali presses on happily.

“I calmed her down and told her I felt the same way about Lex so we decided since we’ve done mostly everything together we would ask them out together. So Kris and Syd were over already so we got them in on our plan. We bought a ton of little candles, like so many it was insane. So we asked the girls out to dinner and while we were at dinner we had Kris and Syd go to the beach where we met them the first time at a party. And we had them write out in candles be ours? And then they spelled out yes and no with boxes next to them all with candles, like we would do when we were kids. It was sick, looked just like a scene from a movie. So we get there and Syd and Kris left two like tiki torches. We get to the beach and of course they think we’re so cheesy but they loved it.”

“We did.” Alex kisses Tobin’s cheek.

“So they read it and Ashlyn gets a lighter she had and lights the torches and we both ask them to be our girlfriends. We gave them each a torch to stick in the box they wanted to choose and of course they put them in the yes box, and that’s how we redeemed ourselves.”

Everyone is smiling remembering the story and I almost want to cry at how badly I miss those times. How free and happy we all were. I realize then how absent I have been and how much I miss them.

I feel Sydney grab my hand underneath the table right on cue like she knew tears were threatening to escape and her touch helps me hold them back. I look up to see the same look in her eyes and I see my best friend again. I nod thanking her and I hold her hand tighter.

Ali smiles at everyone, landing on Ashlyn last giving her this look that I once saw in Kelley’s eyes. It’s like a light sparks inside of them as she realizes something profound.

 “It was nothing.” Ashlyn shrugs not sure how Ali feels about hearing about Kelley.

“It is everything.”  Ali says and it’s only for Ashlyn to hear. Ashlyn whispers something in Ali’s ear that causes her smile to widen even more.

“Thank you.” Ali smiles and Ashlyn places her hand on top of Ali’s pulling it off the table and into her lap.  My heart swells for both of them.

For the rest of dinner everything continues to tell stories but Ashlyn and Ali seem to be stuck in their own world and we really get to see how happy Ashlyn seems with her.

*

After dinner we all decided to come back to the house and start a fire. We bring out the wine and Ashlyn had some cookies from the café ready for all of us.

It’s a brisk night so we grab blankets as well and wrap up in them.

“So Ali we’ve talked so much about ourselves I think it’s time we learn about you.” Alex starts the conversation right away wanting to know more about Ali. I know it was hard for Alex to find out and I know she needs this.

“Uh well unfortunately I’m a little boring.”

“Don’t let her fool you guys. Ali played for the Women’s National Soccer Team.” Ashlyn interrupts proudly.

“No way that’s sick.” Tobin smiles widely, “We all played soccer in college but never went on to anything like that.”

“It was short lived.”

“She was on the team for the Olympics in 2008, gold medalist.” Ashlyn continues.

“Wow that’s amazing. Why did you stop playing?” Alex presses.

“Personal reasons.” She clears her throat clearly uncomfortable. “I work for that PR firm and I live with two of my friends. We own a place together and I think some of you met them already. I like being outdoors and traveling, my biggest dream would to go to Germany. I went there for a couple years to play soccer for Frankfurt so I’d love to go back at some point. I have a brother named Kyle, he is amazing. I really am quite boring.” She laughs freely.

“That’s awesome.” Tobin encourages her not wanting her to feel uncomfortable.  “You should definitely come hiking with us or camping.”

“That would be fun.” Ali replies after looking at Ashlyn to see her reaction and make sure she agrees.

“Yeah we should.” She smiles warmly at her.

We discuss more about Ali’s hobbies and our own. We get into telling more stories and it feels so nice to be able to relax with everyone and not feel worried or uptight about anything.

By the end of the night Sydney is sitting on my lap telling everyone how she was the revolution of my fashion and how lucky I should be to have her. Ashlyn and Ali are in their own world laughing and responding when needed but so engulfed in each other.

“Well guys I think Lex and I are going to head out.” Tobin stands up making her rounds with all of the hugs. She hugs Ali and then hugs Ashlyn last whispering something to her.

“It was nice getting to know you tonight Ali, maybe we could get together just us two and hang out.” Alex hugs her.

“Yeah I would love that.” Ali smiles sincerely.

I think it’s safe to say tonight we all began to form a friendship with Ali and she fits nicely into our group. Alex and Tobin leave and we all walk Ali to the door to say goodnight.

“So nice seeing you.”

“Come hang out anytime.”

“Thank you. I had a lot of fun.” She hugs both of us. “Goodnight.”

“I’m going to uh walk her out, okay?” Ashlyn looks at both of us awkwardly before walking outside with her.”

“Don’t do it.” I say to Sydney before she even moves from her spot. She smiles mischeviously before moving to the window where we can watch Ali and Ashlyn. She slowly opens the window so we can try to hear them

“This is so wrong.” I whisper to Sydney but we spy on them anyways.

Ashlyn and Ali are talking but it’s muffled because were too far away. Ashlyn looks visibly nervous and Ali seemed to enjoy it. Ashlyn keeps running her hand against the back of her neck and that’s how I can tell she is uncomfortable.

“This is horrible, Ashlyn is never going to get some if she can’t get her shit together.” Sydney whispers, “And I can’t hear anything!”

“She’s just nervous Syd give her a break.”

Ashlyn and Ali continue to talk, but after a little while Ali grabs Ashlyn’s arm that has been continually moving since they started talking. Ali pulls her hand towards her and places a kiss inside of her palm.

“Oh shit did you see that?” Sydney’s excitement sky rocketing. “What did she just say to her?”

“I don’t know you keep talking.” I laugh.

Ashlyn has moved closer with her hand still in Ali’s and I see something spark in Ashlyn. Ashlyn takes a step closer, slowly tracing Ali’s face. She says something we can’t hear but I don’t think I’ve seen Ali ever smile so big before. Ashlyn slowly brings her hands to the sides of Ali’s neck, her thumb slowly tracing Ali’s bottom lip. She leans in slowly like if she moves to quickly she will scare her off. Ashlyn makes contact with Ali’s lip and I finally come to my senses and pull Sydney away.

“What are you doing?” Sydney looks at me frustrated.

“It’s not our moment to share Syd.” I look at her sternly with a playful tone to my voice, “We will have plenty of time to spy in the future.”

“Fine let’s go lie in my bed and wait for her.” Syd and I go to her bedroom lying down.

“I forgot how comfortable your bed is.” I lay into it relaxing after a long day. “I had a lot of fun today with you Sydney. I forgot how much fun we use to have.”

“I know today was fun.”

“I miss you Syd.” I finally admit it out loud.

“I don’t like fighting with you Kris and I know I haven’t been the nicest, but I miss you and I want to hang out more. It’s so hard not having you around, we aren’t a home anymore.” Syd’s words strike a chord inside of me that I’ve been desperately trying to avoid for months.

“I know.” I turn to her seeing a sadness in her eyes I haven’t seen in a long time. Or maybe it’s always been there but I’ve been too selfish to see. “We will fix it okay?”

Sydney nods in agreement but doesn’t say anything else. We sit there in silence holding in broken sentences and fragments of thoughts that we can’t muster the courage to say.

“Room for one more?” Ashlyn stands at the door shyly with KO right at her legs.

“Of course.”

*

I wake up the next morning feeling more rested then I have in a long time and happy. I walk out into the kitchen to smell fresh coffee and bacon.

“Please tell me there are waffles or pancakes involved.” I breathe in happily as I hop up on the counter.

“Waffles.” Ashlyn laughs lightly as she hands me a cup of coffee.

“Thank god I can’t remember the last time I woke up to breakfast.” I take a bite of the waffle Ashlyn hands me.

“What Hope doesn’t cook you breakfast?” Ashlyn teases.

“Actually no usually she’s long gone before I’m even up so I’ve been eating cereal like a champ.”

“I’m glad you stayed last night and I’m sure Syd is too.” Ashlyn smiles at me. “I hope that Hope isn’t too upset about it.”

“I don’t know I sent her a text saying I was staying the night but she was probably already asleep and she’s working now so I don’t know. It should be fine, I can’t stay there every night.”

“But you have been.”

“Does it bother you Ash?” Ashlyn looks at me confused, “Does it bother you that I don’t stay here?”

“It doesn’t bother me, Kris. I mean you’re a grown adult if you want to stay with your girlfriend then you should. I wish we saw you more but I’m not mad or anything.”

“How has Sydney been?” I barely get the words out as my anxiety feels like it’s choking me.

“She has her days, she was struggling for a while I guess she still is but she tries to hide it. You know put on a smile for me. She watches the video Kelley made her a lot I guess to try and remember her and what she told her. To find strength”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around its just-”

“Too hard.” Ashlyn doesn’t say it in a question but like she actually knows.

“I wasn’t going to say that.”

“No, maybe not, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

“I guess I don’t know I haven’t given it much thought.” I don’t really know what Ashlyn is trying to say but it doesn’t settle well with me. I change the subject not wanting the feeling inside of me dwell. “Was last night hard for you?”

“It was hard honestly.” Ashlyn clears her throat, “I’m in a constant tug of war but it’s going to be that way. I go from being okay to sad to lonely to happy to guilty in seconds sometimes. It is so hard but I know it’s going to be okay.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because Kelley said so and I put all of my trust in her.” Ashlyn smiles but I know it isn’t towards me, “She still takes care of me and helps me when I need her.”

“Kristie we have a set up in a half hour we have to get going.” Sydney says running into the kitchen slipping on the wood floor and crashing to the ground.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Ashlyn laughs walking over to Sydney.

“Ugh yes.” Sydney grunts, “Sorry but we have to go they just texted asking if we could meet them and they will pay us extra for the last minute appointment.”

“Alright let’s get going.” I shake my head smiling at how ridiculously klutzy Syd is. Sydney runs into her bedroom to get dressed.

“Wait are those waffles?” Sydney pops her head back into the kitchen, “Save me one.” And then she darts back to her bedroom.

“Jesus.” I shake my head laughing as Ashlyn hands me a plate with Syd’s waffle to take with me. “See you later Ash.”

“Kristie?” Ashlyn calls and I turn around to see what she needs, “Kelley is still taking care of you, you just have to let her.”

*

I wake up to hearing the door slamming shut and rustling around outside of the bedroom. I don’t get up knowing that I’m going to walk into an argument. She doesn’t come in either and after about a half an hour of just lying there I decide I minus well just get it over with.

I walk out and Hope is sitting on the couch reading, the familiar scowl on her face.

“Hey babe.” I say timidly walking towards her.

“Hey.” She responds but doesn’t look up from her book. I go into the kitchen and grab us glasses of wine hoping it will ease her anger a little.

“How was your day?” I ask sitting next to her.

“Busy, yours?”

“It was good, had some appointments and then relaxed.” I take an encouraging sip of wine wanting to give me an extra push to just talk to her about it. “Hope I’m-”

“I don’t care if you want to spend the night at your house alright? It would be nice to get more than a simple text though. You couldn’t call or let me know three hours prior so I didn’t just sit there waiting for my girlfriend to come home?”

“I’m sorry I figured you would be sleeping.”

“I should’ve been sleeping but you said you wanted to watch a movie and hang out so I stayed up thinking you would be coming home. I stayed up knowing I worked early the next day to spend time with you and you couldn’t even have the decency to call.”

“I know and I’m sorry I just got caught up in seeing my friends.” I start fidgeting with my fingers wanting to avoid her stern glaze. “I’m sorry babe.”

“You say you want to move in together then act like it.” I didn’t expect that to be her response.

“So just because I spent the night at my house once means I don’t want to move in?” I look up feeling a spark of anger.

“I’m just saying Kris don’t get defensive.”

“I’m not getting defensive, that was an uncalled for comment.”

“Was it?”

“Are you being serious?” I stand up getting angrier, “You’re being dramatic. I went out with friends and simply spent the night at my house it’s not like I was out partying.”

“That isn’t the point Kris.” Hope puts her book down looking up at me, “It has been weeks since we decided this and you have yet to tell them or move your stuff out.”

“What is the point in moving my stuff out when I’m already here? Why do I need to move my stuff when I can barely fit half of my clothes here? I don’t have to move completely out of the house. I consider myself already living here so what is the big deal?”

“The big deal is that you don’t really want to move in.”

“Stop acting like you know how I feel, Hope.” I raise my voice, “It just makes sense to keep some of my stuff there.”

“That isn’t it.” Hope shakes her head.

“Then what is it? Tell me Hope because you have all of the answers.”

“You’re scared.”

“Scared? I’m not scared.”

“Yes you are.” Hope says softly but my angers already boiling over.

“You don’t know anything.” I shake my head not knowing what to say but being angry enough to know I don’t want to be here right now. I grab a jacket and keys and start heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” Hope asks in disbelief.

“Out.” I yell followed by the slamming of the door.

*

I’m sitting at the bar for at least and on to my sixth beer. All my emotions are muddled by the alcohol and I welcome it. I don’t know why Hope is acting this way and saying things that aren’t even true. I’m not scared, I just don’t think I need to move all of my stuff out.

“Hey killer.” I hear her voice which instantly puts a smile on my face.

“Well hey best friend, care to join me?”

“Can I get a beer please?” Sydney asks the bartender. “Kris why are you here being a loner?”

“I could ask you the same.” I counter back.

“Well I got a Hope from your worried girlfriend.” I make a grunting sound and finish off my beer. “She said you got into a fight and just stormed out. That isn’t like you Kris.”

“Yeah well I’m not me remember? I’m so different.” I exaggerate the so, remembering Sydney’s comment earlier from yesterday.

“You are different Kristie.” The bartender hands Sydney her drink but she doesn’t touch it, “You aren’t the loving and caring Kristie that’s been my best friend the past eight years.”

“I know.” I think about it for a moment, “Bartender Kevin, can I have another beer? This is Kevin he has been so kind tonight.”

“That’s his job.” Sydney responds, “Kris why don’t we get you home?”

“Which one?” I scoff, “or maybe this should be my home.” I look around letting the alcohol speak for me. “There are no tears, anger, or problems. I’m not constantly reminded that I failed you.”

“What? Failed me?” Sydney asks confused.

“I couldn’t help you, remember?” I tap the side of her head with my finger, “I couldn’t help you when you fell apart, I couldn’t save you from your feelings, I didn’t know how to be there for you when everything fell apart, and I couldn’t make you feel at home anymore.” I sigh and shrug my shoulders, “Don’t you remember?”

“Kris I, you-”

“I couldn’t fix you.” I shrug feeling sad all of a sudden.

“Kristie.” I hear the sympathy in Sydney’s voice and I can’t handle it.

“I am still failing you.” I sob out letting myself really cry for the first time in months. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Sydney hugs me trying to quietly calm me down but the more she comforts me the more my guilt overruns it.

“Let’s go okay?” I nod letting her walk me out. I fall asleep in the car but wake up to her voice.

“Yeah she is okay…yeah she’s sleeping…yeah she has had a bit too much to drink…I was going to just bring her back to the house but if you want her there then…okay I’ll bring her…”

“No I don’t want to go there.” I sit up quickly out not wanting to leave Sydney, “Please bring me with you.”

“Hope uh she wants to come back to the house so I will have her call you tomorrow okay?” Sydney hangs up the phone and we continue driving to the house which seems to take forever. We finally stop and Sydney gets out of the car and opens my door.

“Alright come on Kris we gotta get inside.” Sydney unbuckles my seatbelt and helps me out of the car. I stumble the first couple steps and Sydney has to help readjust me. “Alright Kristie just let me open the door.”

Sydney opens the door but my weight becomes too heavy and we both fall into the doorway. We hit the hardwood floor with a loud smack followed by groans from both of us.

“What are you guys doing?” Ashlyn comes in around the corner.

“Kristie is drunk.” Sydney lifts herself up, “Help me up.” Ashlyn helps her up and then bends down looking at me clearly amused.

“So Kris have a good night?” Ashlyn smirk. I don’t know why but I feel the lump inside of my chest and then the tears immediately start. “Whoa uh Kris what’s wrong?” Ashlyn looks at me and then back to Sydney frantically.

“I- I…I miss her.” Ashlyn faces changes to understanding then.

“I miss her too.” Ashlyn sits down and wraps me in her arms.

“I miss her, and our family, and Sydney.” I cry harder.

“We’re all here Kristie.”

“Ashlyn.” We hear a voice and my drunk mind almost lets me think it’s coming from the person I haven’t heard in almost a year. This just makes me cry harder when I realize its Ali standing in the doorway.

“Syd do you want to take Kristie to her bedroom and I’ll be there in a minute?” Sydney brings me to my room and somehow manages to get me settled in.

“Well look who it is, my favorite drunk.” Ashlyn smiles standing in the doorway a couple minutes later.

“Sorry.” I mumble out, “If I interrupted something or scared her off.”

“Oh no don’t worry Kris.” Ashlyn hands me a glass of water sitting next to me on the bed, “Syd wanna give us a couple minutes?”

“Yeah I’m going to go make Kris a sandwich to eat.” Syd gets up walking out of the room and I feel an ache inside of me again,

“So you want to tell me why you’ve been drinking I’m guessing alone.” I tell Ashlyn how I ended up at the bar because of Hope, all about the moving in and how I haven’t moved my stuff, and finally ending in more tears about how much I miss everyone but can’t find myself to want to be around the people who have been my family for so long.

“It’s okay Kristie.” Ashlyn comforts me and I know I don’t deserve it.

“It isn’t okay. How is it okay that I can’t find myself wanting to be around? Yeah I go to the café and I come around for a little but I can’t stay. I can barely hang out with Sydney without wanting to crawl out of my skin. And you, I see you the most but seeing you it, it…god I don’t know.”

“I think that you should sleep on this and we can discuss all of it tomorrow okay?” Ashlyn says after several moments of her stuck in her own head. I immediately feel guilty for saying any of it.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Stop right there okay?” She smiles but it’s a small, sad one. “I’m not upset with you I just think this is something we should discuss when your head is clear.”

“My head is never clear.”

“It will be tomorrow I promise.” Ashlyn turns her head towards the door. “Sydney you wanna take over?” I sit up a little to realize Sydney is sitting on the floor pressed against the door frame. She has tears in her eyes that she quickly wipes away.

Ashlyn kisses my forehead and Sydney slides into bed with me. She doesn’t say anything and I don’t either because my minds too heavy to even try to figure out what to say at this point. I close my eyes and let the sleep take over.

*

I wake up with the worst headache and the gross after taste of beer and regret in my mouth. I grab the water I find next to the night stand, chugging it down. I get up and walk out of my room and follow the smell to the kitchen.

“Good morning.” Ashlyn and Sydney smile at me as I walk in to the kitchen. I grunt in response sitting down heavily on the stool at the island.

“No hang over pancakes?” I pout looking at them.

“Nope I found a new recipe and now it’s in the forms of French toast and smoothie.” Sydney laughs passing me my food and drink. I take a sip of the smoothie and have to fight not to throw it up all over Ashlyn’s French toast.

“What is in this?”

“If I told you then you wouldn’t drink it so it’s a secret sorry.” Sydney smirks taking a sip of her coffee, “Drink it, it will help.”

I gulp it down trying to ignore the awful texture and taste. We all eat in silence and by the end of my second French toast I am feeling so much better.

“So Kris I think we should talk about last night.” Ashlyn says after we all finish breakfast.

“I was mad at Hope so I got drunk it isn’t a big deal.”

“You sobbed and said some stuff-”

“Syd everyone says stuff they don’t mean when they are drunk.” I stand up not wanting to have this conversation.

“I know you meant it Kristie, you think you failed me and you need to know that you didn’t.” Sydney reaches for me but I step back.

“I’m not doing this right now, I have to get home anyways Hope is probably worried about me.” I move to leave but Ashlyn blocks my way.

“Then you don’t miss Kelley.” Ashlyn looks at me coldly.

“What that isn’t-”

“If nothing you said was true last night then you didn’t mean it when you said you missed Kelley.” Ashlyn cuts me off stepping closer to me. “Are you really that distant from us that you can’t even admit to missing your family?”

“I’m not distant.”

“You are distant and you know it or you wouldn’t have cried about it last night.” Ashlyn sighs a little, “You told me you couldn’t stand being around us and I get why. I get why you hide out at Hope’s all the time.”

“I don’t hide out at Hopes.” I scoff, “She’s my girlfriend. You know what I have to go okay? I don’t have time for this right now.” I push passed Ashlyn willing to walk the distance to Hopes place.

“Wait.” Ashlyn yells running up to me. She pushes a something into my hand and I look at it immediately recognizing the handwriting on the disc. “Come home.” Ashlyn says turning around walking back into the house.

I hold the disc tightly at my side knowing I need the walk to get the courage for what I have to do next.

*

Hope isn’t there when I come back and I’m not surprised, I know she is going to be furious with me but that doesn’t seem as important as the weight I’ve been holding in my hand. The sentenced written on disc has constantly replayed in my head since the day I got it.

_When you need to find your way back._

I put the disc into the dvd player wishing more than anything that Sydney was here with me. I push play with a shaky hand and sit back down on the couch.

My breath catches in my throat as the happy, freckled filled girl pops up on the screen.

“Hey Kris it’s about time you came and found me.” She laughs lightly like there isn’t a care in the world. “How are you?” She asks staring at the camera and I feel like she is really staring straight into my eyes.

“Lost.” I whisper out feeling stupid for responding to a tv screen.

“You know I remember one time we all were going to go out and you told me you were worried because at this bar someone always ended up in confrontation with someone there.” Kelley shakes her head with a smile on her face, “Of course we all told you we wanted to go anyways so we did and what happened? Sydney got in an argument with someone at the bar and she got a drink thrown on her. She cried the whole way home and all I remember is how guilty you felt. You tried to warn us but we still went, we went because it was our choice to, but you still felt the blame of her getting upset.”

“Kelley.” I hear my voice break.

“You are too caring you know that? You have such a beautiful and compassionate heart. You care so much and that’s what makes you so incredibly amazing.” She smiles proudly at the screen. “Our family is broken and I know how hard this must be for you. I don’t know if it’s been a month, sixth months, a year, or more but you guys are still working to piece things back together. I do know since you’re watching this that you’ve lost track of things.”

“Yeah.” I laugh a little at how much she truly knows us.

“You feel helpless because you didn’t know how to help the people you love the most. You don’t know how to help piece them back together. I know most of our friends fell apart and I know they took it hard because it is hard, but it is not your fault that you couldn’t fix them. This isn’t something that you alone can fix and it is not your responsibility. Everyone has to go through their own journey to come out of this. All you can do is be there for them and I know sometimes it may feel like it isn’t enough.”

Kelley looks distant lost in her speech but looks back into the camera with sad eyes now.

“Kristie my biggest fear was that you would feel so helpless and overwhelmed with how everyone else feels that you shut down. You close off from everyone because seeing them in pain is unbearable. Please do not lose who you are because you feel like you aren’t good enough. You are such an important part of this family. You hold us together even if sometimes you feel like you don’t. Find yourself again and open up to us. Find your way back.”

Kelley’s words hit a spot inside of me that I have been holding back for so long. Seeing all of my friends struggle so much with this has been excrutiating for me. Not only have I been trying to deal with my own pain and loss but with everyone elses. Instead of confiding in them and being there for each other, I closed off and ran away. I have been in denial for months now and the feeling in my chest that I tried so hard to surpress is bursting through me.

“What do I do?” I cry out to Kelley who sits there staring at me with such concerned eyes. “Tell me what to do.”

“You know what you have to do.” Kelley says her own voice breaking. I don’t know how Kelley does it, how she knows us so well that even after she is gone she is still here for us.

“I do.”

“There’s my girl.” Kelley smiles into the screen again and it starts a new wave of tears.

“I miss you.”

“Remember Kris, I am always here whenever you need me and so are the people you love. Now I have to go but just know I love you and I think about you every day.”

“I love you.” Kelley hops off of the chair and walks over to the camera.

“Oh also Kris, remember be fearless.” She winks at me with the biggest grin on her face.

 The television goes black and even though I feel an ache where Kelley used to be, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in months. I stand up reaching for my cell phone and call the one person I need to talk to.

“Hello?” She says worried and for the first time I know exactly what I want.

“I want to come home.”


	17. Chapter 17

“This one seems pretty decent.” Alex says after a sip of her wine, “She is nineteen and experienced with working in restaurants.”

“I have one here, she is twenty two and majored in marketing. She doesn’t have experience with working at a café but she can help bring in new customers.” Ali chimes in scanning the application in her hand and holding the wine in the other.

“Isn’t that why Ashlyn has to hire more people?” Tobin laughs. “Because she has a ton of customers.”

The café has been getting so much business and we are just swamped now. We are too busy for just Lauren and me to handle the front of the café. We need to have someone else so Ali helped me make up a flyer to post around colleges and bulletin boards. We have gotten a lot of applications which is what we have been doing for the past couple hours.

Tobin and Alex are sitting in chairs while Ali and I occupy the couch. Her legs are sprawled out across my lap and I feel calm with this simple physical contact. Ali came over with a case of beer and a bottle of wine because she knows the way to my friend’s hearts. It also feels normal here with the three of them like we have been doing this for years.

“I need another glass of wine if we are going to keep doing this.” Alex smiles, “Ali do you want another glass?”

“Yeah I’ll help you.” Ali smiles getting up to help Alex in the kitchen. “Ash you want another beer?”

“Yes please.” I smile.

“Hello hello.” We hear Sydney at the door and soon enough Sydney and Kristie are standing at the entry of the living room. “What are we doing?”

“We are looking at applications for people to work at the café.” I take a drink of my beer as Sydney’s face turns from happy to moody.

“You didn’t invite me to help?”

“I didn’t think you would want to.” I chuckle amused.

“Um hello there is wine.” She waves her hands at the table where there is an empty bottle of wine.

“Just sit down Syd I’ll bring you guys a glass.” Alex yells from the kitchen.

Sydney and Kristie take space on the couch sitting too close to not notice. Ever since Kristie moved home they have been inseparable.

Alex and Ali walk in, Ali holding a glass of wine and a beer and Alex holding a glass of wine and a bottle. Alex hands Sydney the entire bottle and goes back in the kitchen to get Kristie a glass.  Alex sits back down and Ali walks over to me surprising me when she sits on my lap.

“So I still think the first applicant I looked at should be hired.” Ali says without a care, taking her sip of wine.

“I think she may be right.” Alex chimes in with a smile on her face. Alex has been so good lately and she has found a friend in Ali, one that she has needed since Kelley.

“I don’t know.” I shake my head in slight disagreement. “None of them feel right. I want someone who stands out and just automatically fits in. I don’t want to choose someone based on a piece of paper.”

“Well then I guess our application process is done.” Tobin notes.

“Thank god.” Sydney drones out like she’s been here for hours instead of ten minutes.

We all laugh which drowns out the fact that my house phone is ringing. We all quiet as the third ring sounds out through the air.

“Wait is that a house phone?” Ali asks with an entertained grin on her face.

“Yes.” I breathe out, “Kelley said we needed a house phone because it was so domestic to have one like when we were younger.” I remember how adamant she was when we were shopping for appliances. I remember the gleam in her eye when we found out the number and the first and only time it rang.

The phone beeps and then there is a voice I feel so happy to hear.

“Ashlyn where the hell are you and why am I resorting to calling this house phone? Anyways I’m calling to remind you that I will be there next week for our annual badminton tournament! And tell Tobin and Alex I’m staying with them because Dave can’t make it so he will be having a guy’s weekend with Kellen. Anyways call me back and hopefully you actually check this thing. Love you bye.” HAO’s voice wafts through the room as the machine continues to make noise.

“My phone died and its charging.” I shrug forgetting about it. Everyone I talk to is pretty much sitting in this room with me so I didn’t bother to grab it. I think its funny she left a voicemail on the hosue phone but that’s just how he is.

“Badmitton tournament?” Ali laughs to herself.

Voicemail from June 19th, 2013 the answer machine rings out and I don’t ever remember anymore voicemails being on this. Of course I never check.

“Hey Babe.” I hear her voice come through the machine like she’s sitting right next to me. The whole room shifts like their bodies are magnets to the machine drawn to the next syllable or word.

I feel Ali’s weight like I feel the weight of Kelley’s words. Ali’s body is stiff, frozen and for a second I think she isn’t even breathing.

“It’s about time you check this thing.” She laughs and I feel the tears begin to threaten from inside. “You know this house phone comes in handy because it allowed me to leave this for you. I know you have all of my voicemails on your cell phone but cell phones get replaced and hopefully you can keep this voicemail for our house. I’m sitting at the beach in our place and I just got back from lunch with a friend. We talked all about you and I just want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that I’m thinking about you and you’re still in my heart every single day. I’ll see you soon babe.”

The voicemail stops right as Ali is standing up and I feel the absence of both of them.

*

“Dude it’s not a big deal.” Tobin takes a bite of her sandwich trying to comfort me from last night. I shake my head ignoring her letting my head run through all of the possible reasons why Ali bolted from the house the second the voicemail ended.

“Ashlyn, Tobin is right.” Alex looks at me sympathetically, “I’m sure she wasn’t scared off she probably just wanted to give you space after the voicemail.”

Alex has a point but I still can’t help but remember her face and how all I could see in it was guilt and how she retracted from me like I was damaged and too fragile for her to be around.

“She isn’t going to just decide she doesn’t want to see you.” Alex speaks up again wanting me to listen to reasoning.

“I called her twice and sent her a text and no response.” I busy myself putting aware cups and plates. “Obviously she’s freaked out and doesn’t want to talk right now.”

“Dude she will come around you need to stop worrying.” Tobin wipes the mustard that’s spilled from her sandwich onto her.

“They are right.” Lauren chimes in and I groan at how they won’t let me just wallow in my own horrible outcomes.

“Not you too.” I sigh finally looking at all three of them.

“She is crazy about you and even if she did get scared or felt guilty that won’t change how she feels about you so for once just relax.”

Sydney and Kristie walk in then laughing hysterically about something. I don’t know what it is about them but they make me feel lighter somehow. Their relationship is so carefree and I wonder when I will have that again.

“Hey guys.” Kristie smiles brightly at all of us.

“Coffee please before I self-combust.” Sydney drones jokingly sitting down next to Alex resting her head on her shoulder.

“You’re so dramatic.” Kristie laughs, “But I’ll take a coffee too.”

“Hey Kris.” We turn our heads at the sound of Hope’s voice.

“Hey Babe.” Kristie stands up walking over to her girlfriend, well if that’s what you want to call her. Hope and Kristie have been slowly on a downfall since Kristie moved out of Hope’s. Hope has been taking it really hard but they both say they are still together.

They kiss but I don’t see the light in Hope’s eyes and all I see in Kristie’s are guilt.

“Can we talk for a second?” Hope asks softly to Kristie and she nods in agreement before they head into the kitchen.

“Not going so well?” Alex asks Sydney who just shrugs, “How has Kristie been?”

“She seems a lot better.” Sydney responds seeming happy with the progress that she and Kristie have made but I see how badly she feels how things are with Hope and Kris. Despite the feelings Sydney has for Kristie all she wants is to see her happy.

“Alright guys I’m going to head out to let out KO and take a break for a little until the dinner rush so I will see you later.” I take this opportunity to head out and get some air from the café. I have been up since four and KO needs some attention.

“Oh wait Ash, don’t forget we have that art show this weekend that we have to go to.” Alex says looking up from the papers she is looking over. “You promised you’d come early and help me set up the day before so don’t forget!”

“Yes I remember.” I grab my longboard and keys, “I already have my outfit picked out and everything. Lauren is kind enough to cover for me.”

“You’re lucky to have me.” Lauren smiles at me as she fills up the pastry trays.

“Remind me to give you a raise one day.” I joke with her walking out the door as I hear her say she will hold me to it.

*

I decided the best way to get KO out and exercised quickly would be to longboard around so he could run alongside me. KO has been an amazing dog and so easily trainable, he is such a smart and loyal dog. I do feel bad that he is cooped up all day at the house when he should be running through fields all day.

We stop at a crosswalk which gives him a little bit to catch his breath. The last time I was in this area I was shopping with Tobin for her wedding. It is sad to think about how drastic things have turned out for all of us. I know how badly Tobin wants to have a wedding with Alex.

I look around the area and I feel like I’m having déjà vu. I turn my head to look across the street I swear I see Kelley sitting at that restaurant I saw her at. My mind flashes back to that day that I saw Kelley sitting with that girl and how I thought she had been cheating on me. I rub my eyes frustrated at how my mind constantly is playing tricks on me and when I look again it isn’t Kelley sitting there, its Ali.

I double take to make sure my mind isn’t still tricking my eyes and sure enough it’s Ali sitting alone at that same exact table where Kelley once sat. I walk over to her table wanting to talk to her about everything that happened last night.

“Hey Ali.” I greet her timidly not wanting to disrupt her.

“H-hey Ash.” She looks startled and a little uncomfortable but her smile is still warm. “Hey KO.” Ali smiles wider now petting KO’s head who has grown attached to Ali.

“Listen I don’t want to interrupt I was just longboarding and saw you so I figured I would say hi.” I shift awkwardly not really sure at how to approach last night.

“Well I’m glad you did.” She continues to pet KO’s head. “Does he need some water I have a bottle in my purse.”

“Oh no its okay.” I turn around so she sees my bag, “I have water and a bowl in here for him.”

“Well look at you prepared.” She jokes lightly.

“Well well well there’s my beautiful girl.” A man’s voice interrupts us as he walks towards Ali. He’s a handsome guy who looks rugged in a polished way with a full sleeve tattoo that matches my own, as well as a beautiful forest piece on his other arm.

“Kyle.” Ali smiles so widely I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy before.  They embrace in a tight hug and I feel intrusive watching them.

“And who is this?” Kyle smiles brightly once he notices me standing there.

“Kyle, this is Ashlyn, Ashlyn this is Kyle, my brother.” Kyle extends his hand out to me and I shake it firmly, suddenly feeling like I need to prove myself through a handshake. It sounds stupid but I can’t help it.

“Hi Kyle it’s nice to meet you.”

“Ashlyn as in…” He raises his eyebrows up and down and I instantly see the color reddening on Ali’s face.

“Yes.” Ali looks down suddenly shy and I can’t help but smile at how cute the subtle change in her demeanor is.

“Well Ashlyn I’ve heard so much about you, why don’t you join us for lunch?” Kyle invites and I begin to object.

“Oh I couldn’t, I have my dog with me.” I deflect his invite but I can tell he is persistent because he pulls out the chair and takes KO’s leash from me and ties it to the chairs leg.

“There problem solved now please eat lunch with us.” I spend the next hour getting to know Ali’s brother and answering any question he had for me. It feels good getting to meet someone new and the positivity that Kyle radiates has made me feel so calm.

“So Ashlyn are there any ex relationships or fun stories to tell?” Kyle smiles unknowingly, “It’s the duty for me to ask.”

“Well I was married before I uh-” I stop feeling the same tightness I get whenever I have to talk about this. Almost a year has gone by and it’s still just as hard, “I was married before but she passed away.”

“I am so sorry to hear that.” I hear the sincerity in his voice that almost matches Ali’s, they are both such compassionate people and I can see how they are related in that aspect. “May I ask how?”

“She had ovarian cancer that just progressed too far before they could catch it.” I can’t help but look away. I can’t handle the look people give me when they think I’m broken.

“I’m so sorry to hear that. Alex and I had a close friend pass away from that as well. What was her name if you don’t mind me asking?” He places his hand on top of mine and gives it a little squeeze for encouragement.

“Her name was Kelley.” I look up at him having the courage to say her name but when I do something in his eyes change. It happens quickly but I still catch it. It’s almost like if you put a name to someone who is gone then it makes it seem more real to a stranger who may have never known them.

He looks at Ali and it’s like they’re having a conversation and they speak a thousand words silently to one another before he looks back at me.

“I’m sorry to hear about Kelley.” He smiles sympathetically, “I’m sure she was amazing.”

“Thank you, she was.” I clear my throat.

“When Carm passed away it was a hard time but you have to just find a way to get through it. Its hard to lose people you love but we have to keep going forward.” He looks at Ali and squeezes her hand. Ali’s demeanor has changed since we started talking about Kelley again and the mention of Carm.

“I’m sorry for your loss as well.” I grab Ali’s other hand and give it a squeeze wanting to be there for her like she has been for me. We make small talk for the rest of the lunch and Kyle does most of the talking. He is good at lifting the mood and by the end of our meal we are all laughing and having a good time.

“Alright well I better be off it was so nice meeting you Ashlyn.” Kyle hugs me and I feel like I have made a new friend. He hugs Ali and whispers something into her ear that makes her look a little sad.

“I love you.” He says out loud smiling at her. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“He seems really nice.” I begin the conversation as soon as Kyle leaves. “You guys are a lot alike.”

“Yeah he’s a great guy.” Ali smiles but her gaze never really meets mine. “Do you need a ride home or anything?”

“I don’t know.” I look down at KO who is peacefully asleep, “KO do you want to go for a run?” I say excitedly but all he does is open is eyes and quickly closes them. “Yeah I think we better take you up on that.

The ride home is fairly quiet. Ali looks lost in thought and her quietness unsettles me. We pull up to the house and she glances at me quickly before looking back at a passed out KO.

“You really tired him out.” She pets his head and he leans into her hand.

“Ali-”

“Let’s go to dinner tonight.” She cuts me off and I feel caught off guard by the invitation.

“Okay.” I say hesitantly, “About last night-”

“Ashlyn its okay we don’t need to talk about this.” She smiles in a way that seems foreign to me. I nod not wanting to keep pushing her. I lean in to kiss her but at the last second I change my mind to kiss her cheek.

“See you tonight.”

*

“Maybe I should call and cancel.” I say staring in the mirror in Sydney’s room.

“Ashlyn you can’t just cancel because you’re scared.” She looks up at me from her magazine, “Obviously she’s upset about something so you just have to figure out why.”

“Yeah easy for you to say.” I fix my button up and start putting up my hair.

“It is easy for me to say because I’m not a chicken.”

“Tell that to-”

“Kristie.” Sydney cuts off me off as she comes into the room, “How was it?”

Kristie shakes her head discouragingly and plops down onto Sydney’s bed mumbling into the sheets.

“Not so good?” I ask turning towards her to see what happened between her and Hope.

“She says she can’t keep waiting around for me to open up and talk to her.” Kristie turns towards me, “So I don’t know right now.” The doorbell rings so I don’t get a chance to talk to Kristie about it.

“We will talk when I get back?” I ask her and she nods in agreement.

“Everything will be fine.” Sydney encourages and I really hope she’s right.

*

We get to the restaurant and everything seems okay. She makes conversation and we even joke with each other but something still seems off with her.

“I really liked your brother.” I begin the conversation, “He seemed like a really good guy and you seem close.”

“Yeah we are, he’s my best friend.” She smiles, “He lives in California too but he’s always traveling or on some type of adventure so I don’t see him too often.”

“So what brought him here today?”

“Just checking up on me.” She shrugs, “He worries.”

“Alex can we talk about last night?” I blurt it out because I just want to know where her head is at and I want to be able to talk about this kind of stuff with her openly.

“I’m sorry for just leaving last night but I just thought you would want time to yourself with your friends. I know it seemed like I was mad but I just wanted to let you have space.” She looks at me apologetically and I know she’s being sincere.

“Well thank you for being understanding.” I breathe out feeling relieved that she was only trying to look out for me.

“You’re welcome.” The rest of the dinner goes smoothly. We talk and joke around and it finally feels like we are back to normal.

We leave the restaurant and it’s nice enough where we can walk outside and enjoy the cool night. I bring her to this little place that sells the best hard served ice cream.

“I never pegged you as a death by chocolate kind of girl.” I smirk at her ice cream that she seems to be enjoying.

“Oh yeah?” She smiles amused, “What kind of girl do you think I am?”

“Hmm I’d have to say a pistachio kind of girl, boring but people still like it.” I smirk as the words sink into her. “Ow!” I exclaim as I trip a little from her pushing me.

“You’re an asshole.” She smiles taking my joke lightly. “I’ll have you know I hate pistachio ice cream.”

“Really? I kind of like it.” I laugh at the annoyed playful look on her face. We continue to walk finished with our ice creams enjoying the cool breeze. Ali really does look stunning tonight in her summer dress.

I intertwine her hand in mine wanting to be physically connected to her. The feeling sends a warmth through my body that I still haven’t gotten used to. Ali’s hand fits mine perfectly and it’s the first time I’ve really shown affection in public with her.

“You okay?” I ask her realizing the serious look on her face. She turns to me with a smile and nods lightly giving my hand a squeeze.

“Yes just not used to this.” She looks down and I feel like she may be embarrassed.

“I’m sorry.” I go to pull my hand away but she stops me.

“No don’t let go.” She looks up and her eyes are so soft and warm my mind can’t form a single thought, “I like it.”

“So I was thinking if you wanted to maybe we could go on the boat this weekend or do something fun.” I think it’s time for us to start doing stuff besides just going to dinner or hanging out at my house. I really like her and I just want her to see the fun side of me and not the grieving widow.

“That sounds-” She stops abruptly and let’s go of my hand quickly. She doesn’t move and when I look at her face its pale and she looks terrified.

“Erin.” She breathes out and I follow her gaze to the woman who is approaching. Her hair is down with a beanie covering most of it. She’s a gorgeous girl but her face is hardened and it immediately makes me feel threatened.

“Alex Krieger.” She responds while staring at Ali with cold eyes. She looks her up and down in a way that makes my fist clench.

“How are you?” Ali stammers out.

“I’m good.” She clears her throat looking to another woman who is approaching. “Hey.”

“Hey babe I’ve been looking for you.” She grabs Erin’s hand. “Hi I’m Ella.” She extends her hand out to Ali.

“I’m Ali.”

“This is Ali Krieger.” Erin says icily.

“Hi Ali.” Ella smiles warmly but there is something knowing in her eyes. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

I place my hand on Ali’s back not knowing really what is going on but I can tell something is off between them. Erin notices me then and keeps eye contact with me.

“And you are?”

“This is…” Ali looks at me for a moment and continues, “My friend Ashlyn.”

“Nice to meet you.” I try to say pleasantly but I can’t help the sting of her words affect me. How ashamed she sounded.

“Well Ella and I better get back inside.” She begins to turn but Ali reaches out and grabs her arm.

“Erin.” She sounds desperate and the way Erin yanks her arm away makes me blood boil. “How long have you lived here?”

“Awhile.”

“Can we talk please?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, I’m sorry I just can’t.”

“Please just lets talk or get together and talk.” Her voice is small and it makes my chest tighten, “It’s been so long Erin.”

“Like that changes anything.” I see a spark of anger flare up and dim in a matter of seconds.

“Yes it does Erin.” Ali looks around embarrassed at the volume of her voice. “Carm-”

“Do not do this right now.” She steps forward and I immediately step forward a little to stand right next to Ali. Erin notices this and relaxes slightly. “Goodbye Alex.”

“You cant keep blaming me.” Ali yells as Erin and Ella begin to walk away. Erin turns around as before Ali even finishes her sentence. She marches quickly to Ali standing only inches away. Her eyes rip into Ali’s and she doesn’t break her gaze as she beings to talk.

“She’s gone and we weren’t there. I wanted to be there but you pushed and pushed for us to still go-.” Ella is next to Erin looking shaken up not knowing what to do.

“It’s what she wanted.” I hear Ali choking back the tears.

“ You want to do this right now then fine, “Erin spits out, “She needed us there and we were off being selfish and living our dreams. We lost the chance to say goodbye so we could try to win a stupid medal.” Erin shakes her head visibly upset, “I will never forgive myself. I’m sorry but I can’t look at you without thinking of how much I regret listening to you instead of my gut.”

“Erin-” Ali’s voice breaks.

“Nothing you say will fix this.” People are beginning to stare at the interaction between the two and Ella finally steps in seeing how visibly upset they both here.

“Come on.” She pulls Erin away pushing her in the opposite direction, “Have a good night guys.” She says and her eyes are sad, sympathetic for Ali.

They walk away as Ali holds a shaky hand over her mouth. I feel lost like I don’t know what to do so I grab her hand and I pull her away from all of the people. We don’t stop walking until we get to the car.

“Alex.” I begin but she just waves me off. Tears clouding her eyes and she loses it, I have never seen her cry like this before. I hug her because I don’t know what else to do but try to comfort her.

“It’s okay?” I murmur, “It will be okay.”

“It isn’t.” She shakes her head.

“Come on lets get you home okay?”

I drive her home in silence and I don’t know what to say or how to begin to process any of this. We park in front of her house but she doesn’t look at me or say anything.  I have never been here before but it’s a beautiful neighbor. The house is gorgeous and I can tell Lori and Megan aren’t home to be with her.

I get out of the car and open the door helping her out. She looks emotionally and physically exhausted and I walk her to the door.

“Is anyone home?” I ask.

“No they went to an event.”

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Her eyes shoot up to me and they look panicked.

“No.” She answers immediately. “No its okay.” I’ve never been inside of Ali’s house and its never occurred to me until now. She has never invited me inside and I don’t know why. She has been in my house every time we hang out.

“Do you want to talk about this?” I ask ignoring the questions running through my head. She shakes her head as her eyes glisten with the threat of spilling over onto her face.

I grab her hand and kiss the inside of it.

“Thank you for driving me home.” She wipes at her eyes, “Take my car home and I’ll get it tomorrow.”

“No its okay I’ll walk.” I decline her offer needing air, “I need the fresh air.”

She nods and turns to unlock her door.

“Goodnight Ashlyn.” And as I walk away from her I realize that her goodnight sounded more like a goodbye than anything.

*

“Ashlyn table two and fours orders are ready.” Hope calls through the window. We are slammed today and it’s been nonstop since we opened.

“Got it.” I grab the plates and bring them to the tables and then walk around the room to make sure everyone is happy and taken care of.

I get right back upfront to take the orders of everyone in line as Lauren helps the best she can to keep the line moving.

“I have a big take out order for coffee if that is okay?” A lady says to Lauren looking apologetic.

“Not a problem.”

Lauren gets busy making the fourteen coffees while I get more coffee brewing. Its days like these where I wish I slept longer and right now I feel the threatening tears and the overwhelming sensation to just leave. I cant stop thinking about last ngiht and was up most of the night thinking about it.

“Ash table six looks ready for the bill.” Lauren says busy finishing this lady’s orders. I don’t know how she multitasks so well but I can tell even she looks pressured.

“Okay okay.” I quickly bring them there bill and rush back to get the backup line waiting to place orders.

“Table one and eight’s orders are up.” Hope yells placing the dishes through the window. I eternally deflate even more this is too much for me to handle today.

I bring the dishes to the tables who look a little annoyed at the setting and forming crowd that’s almost out the door and I feel my whole body on overdrive.

I get back to the line at the register and start trying to help as many people as I can. I have four orders to go for lunches, seven drinks to make, and five people with baked goods. I quickly take everyone’s payments while making the drinks.

“Order up.” Hope yells out.

“Table five needs more coffee.” Lauren makes note and I look up to see a sympathetic customer holding up her coffee cup a little for us to see.

“I can’t do this.” I growl to Lauren.

“Order up I said.” Hope says through the window.

“Why don’t you come out and deliver it.” I sneer at her letting the stress overwhelm me. I grab the food and hand it to the customers to go.

I hear the door ding open which makes me internally cringe. I turn to look and my heart fills with relief when I see that it is Ali.

“Hey.” She says it cautiously and I know it is because of last night. “Can we talk?”

“Hey.” I kiss her cheek quickly, “Um can we do it when I get done? I’m swamped right now and I just can’t take a break yet.”

“It’s okay Ash.” She looks around, “I can tell you guys are crazy right now.” She smiles sadly squeezing my arm quickly. “Wait are you okay?”

“I’m just really overwhelmed.” I can hear my voice break a little, “I can’t even keep up with how busy it’s been and I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

“Ash I need you.” Lauren calls out apologetically.

“I gotta go I will call you okay? I rub my eyes quickly and run back up to the counter. I get into the zone with helping people at the counter and Lauren and I quickly get through about ten people. When I look up the line is almost outside of the door with people taking seats.

“Order up.” Hope says but we’re too crammed to grab them at this second. I have to get these coffees made before I go to any of the tables. “Come on guys.”

“Hope.” I growl out feeling fed up with how she doesn’t understand how swamped we are upfront so she has to be patient. When I turn around though the plates in the window are gone so I look around to see who took them since Lauren is still at the register.

I scan the room and finally spot her handing plates to the customers. One of the men laugh and after several minutes she leaves there table and goes over to clean off one that is now empty. She grabs the bill and the money and places it in the pocket of the black apron she’s wearing.

She cleans up two empty tables which are now being filled with people. I watch her walk up to them holding a notepad and pen in her hands taking their orders. I look at all of the customers smiling and happy by whatever their discussion is.

She walks up to the window placing the orders for Hope to see.

“What-what are you doing Alex?” I ask her incredulously.

“No time for talking.” She kisses me quickly, “I have cups to fill.” She walks up to the tables pouring anyone who wants coffee.

I have never felt so blessed to have her in my life as I do now. I can’t believe how amazing and caring she is, to just stop from enjoying her day off to join this craziness to help me.

The rest of the day stays consistently busy but once eight hits the steadiness comes to a halt and is now just a couple stragglers.

“Ali you are my hero.” Lauren says sitting down for the first time since five this morning.

“Seriously.” ARod and Hope say through the window.

Ali just shrugs with that huge smile on her face that I’ve loved since the start. She finishes putting in a man’s money and I realize that I have no idea how she knows how to do all of this.

She takes the money to the man who shakes her hand happily. I walk up behind her as she begins to clean the table. I place my hands on her hips and she jumps a little but quickly relaxes.

“Alex.” I turn her around wrapping my arms around her.

“Why don’t I finish up here and we can head out?” She smiles and I kiss her quickly not arguing. We clean up all the empty tables and I get everything ready that can be done.

“Alright guys we’re going to head out okay? You alright staying Lauren?”

“Yeah Jrue is coming to get something to eat and we close in an hour anyways so no worries.” She opens her book again, “Oh and Ali thanks again, seriously.”

“You’re welcome.” She nods happily and we walk out of the store.

We walk in silence to my house, hand in hand because I don’t know what to say to her. I feel so surprised and overwhelmed with how helpful she was today.

“Ash I’m sorry about last night…are you okay?” She asks me when we’re finally inside entrance of the house.

I don’t answer her letting my emotions take over any cohesive thought in my head. I kiss her wanting to show her how much I appreciate everything she’s done and to try and take away her pain.

“Thank you.” I get out eventually. “You didn’t deserve that.”

She doesn’t respond she just wraps her arms around my neck tightly and kisses me back with more passion then she ever has. Ali and I have kissed but it was never like this. This kiss is something more, something deeper than before. I feel myself getting lost in it and I feel herself pouring everything into this kiss.

The next thing I know is that I’m lifting her up and bringing her into the living room. I place her on the couch letting my weight press into her. Her hands hold my face so securely that I can’t remember the last time I felt this safe.

Nothing else matters then the sensation running through my body from her lips. I don’t realize I’m pushing into her until I hear a moan against my lips. It catches me by surprise making me feel almost dizzy. It ignites a feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in almost a year.

I push into her again and again wanting to feel this feeling, wanting it to stay and engulf me. My hands fumble over fabric and with a shaky hand I put my hand under her shirt

And as I slide my hand along her ribs a moan escapes the same time as she says no. She sits up quickly catching me off guard.

“I-I uh I’m sorry Alex.” I mumble out quickly.

“I’m sorry I, I can’t-I’m sorry.” She shakes her head and it looks like tears are threatening to spill.

She pushes me off of her quickly getting up to head for the door. I sit there stunned watching her leave and on impulse I get up to follow her.

“Alex wait please just wait.” I grab her arm and she recoils a little so I let her go quickly.

“I gotta go.” And she leaves, just like that, one moment everything things to be going amazing and the next she is gone and I’m left with the same guilty feeling.

 

*

“Wake up Ashlyn.” I feel Alex’s weight on me as she lays on top of me.

“Ugh Alex stop.” I breathe out.

“You’re supposed to help me set up for that art show remember?” I had completely forgotten about the art show that’s tomorrow.

“Oh shit.” I rub my eyes looking at the clock and internally groaning that its only 6:00am. “I’m sorry I completely forgot.”

“Its okay.” She smiles rolling off of me to lay next to me. “I’m just excited to spend some time with you.”

“I know I feel like I haven’t really seen you.” I roll on my side facing her, “It’s a tragedy.”

“No a tragedy is that lions mane you call hair.” She smiles happily scrunching her nose up.

“Remind me why we’re friends again?”

“Eh I came with Kelley you didn’t have a choice.” She jokes again. Alex has been doing so much better since Kelley has helped her. She has even been writing again and doesn’t spend most night sitting awake rereading her journal.

“I wouldn’t trade you for anything.” I yawn out still trying to wake up from last night.

“Why the sad eyes?” She asks concern her mood instantly changing with mine.

“I had a long night.” I shrug my shoulders not wanting to get into it.

“You wanna talk about it?” She rubs my arm and the touch is comforting

“No its okay.” I smile putting on a brave face, “Let me hop in the shower quickly and we will go get coffee real quick”.

“Alright I’ll be waiting for you.” I shower quickly and a half hour later I’m driving with Alex to the spot where the art show is being held. I don’t know how Alex got into this stuff but apparently being a Financial Analyst has something to do with this art show.

“So what is this art show even about and how did you get into it?”

“This girl is an amazing artist and this show is a fundraiser so anything that’s purchased %50 of the profit goes to a Scholarship for College. I saw it online and decided I would love to help out.”

“That’s amazing of you Alex.” I sigh out, “Kelley would be proud of you.”

“Ali is the one who inspired me.” She smiles proudly, “She does so much for raising money and awareness that it made me want to as well.”

“Speaking of Ali.” I shake my head thinking about everything that’s going on, “I’m having girl troubles.”

 “Never thought I’d hear that again.” Alex mumbles a little sadly. “What’s going on Ash?”

I explain to Alex everything that happened last night and how Ali acted.

“Well obviously Erin and her have history especially with her friend Carm.” Alex looks sadly at me and I know she’s thinking of Kelley. “We know what it’s like to lose someone we love and to feel guilt. Ali is still grieving and working through her feelings for Carm.”

“She’s helped me so much and I just wish there was something I could do.”

“I know you do.” Alex sympathizes. “We’re here but we will talk about this later okay?” I agree as we get out and walk into the rented space Alex is using for the show. It’s bare but I know by the end of the day Alex will have it looking amazing.

“Hi you must be Alexandra Morgan?” A girl’s voice comes from behind us and I stand there wide eyed at who it is. “I’m Erin McLeod the artist.”

“It’s so great to meet you and I am so excited for your show tomorrow.” Alex shakes her hand happily not realizing this is the same Erin I was just telling her about. “This is Ashlyn O’Hara she is an owner of a café called Uplifted and also one of my best friends who has volunteered her time to help out.”

“Ashlyn.” Erin nods seriously, “I met you last night it’s good to see you again.”

“Likewise.” I smile politely but wishing I was anywhere else. I see the realization in Alex’s eyes but she isn’t obvious about it.

“So why don’t we get started?” Alex smiles at both of us and all I can think about is how long this day is going to be.

*

We set up and decorate for the next six hours before Alex calls for us to take a break. We all sit down at a table and eat the lunch Tobin dropped off in silence.

“So I just wanted to say thanks again for you guys helping me out with this event, it means a lot to me.” Erin acknowledges our help and I know she’s sincere about it.

“Of course.” Alex smiles as her phone begins to buzz, “Excuse me it’s the delivery company who is dropping off the tables and chairs for the food area.” Alex walks away leaving Erin and I alone together.

“So are you coming tomorrow?” Erin asks making conversation.

“Yeah I’ll be here with some of my friends to help support Alex.”

“I was really happy when Alex got in touch with me. I fundraise for this Scholarship for college students who are playing soccer for UPenn every year, it means a lot to me.”

“You know Ali works for a PR firm and she is involved with support groups for people who have cancer, have survived cancer, and people who have lost loved ones to cancer. She would be a really great person to help you.”

“I’m happy for her that she is involved but I have all the help I need.”

“You know she didn’t deserve what you said to her last night.” I finally decide to say something about last night, “That was really inconsiderate of you. She lost her best friend and I understand you did too but putting that guilt on her was extremely unfair.”

“Please don’t sit here and try to lecture me on how I should feel.”

“I’m not lecturing you on how you should feel because I understand the guilt and sadness you feel but making someone feel the way you made her feel is one of the worst things you could do.”

“Don’t tell me you understand how I feel, what would you know about losing someone.” Erin says defensively and I realize that maybe she doesn’t know why Alex is helping her.

“If you keep letting this anger eat away at you, what will you become?” I snap at her walking away before my anger gets the better of me.

I walk out as Alex is walking in and by the look on her face I know she can tell that something happened.

“What’s wrong?” She asks concerned.

“I can’t be here with her.” I spit out, “I’m taking a walk.” And Alex knows me well enough to let me leave. I walk for what seems like forever trying to find the closest body of water.

I get to the beach and sit in the sand feeling myself relax as I dig my toes into the sand. I look out at the water and let the noise of the waves crashing sooth me.

I can’t believe the way Erin responded. I can’t believe how much anger she has bottled up towards Ali. It makes me sick to know that Ali is still blaming herself and that Erin actually openly blame her.

“Well hello there.” I hear a girl’s voice next to me and when I look up I recognize her from last night.

“Ella right?”

“Yes that’s right. You look like you want to punch someone.” She smiles and I can’t help to feel drawn to her energy.

“Well just officially met the lovely Erin McLeod.”  I look at her and her eyes are knowing.

“You’re helping with the art show?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t let her bother you; she really is a nice person.” I can tell in her voice that she really believes it. “She acts tough but she is a sweetheart.”

 “A sweetheart?” I scoff, “Are we talking about the same person?”

“Erin has a lot of issues that she has to work through I know but there is a lot you don’t know about her.” Ella tries to sympathize with Erin but I just can’t look past her attitude.

“Last night when she was talking to Ali.” I shake my head not even knowing how to talk about it, “No one should push that kind of blame on someone. It’s hard enough feeling your own guilt. Thinking about all the things you could’ve done, you should’ve said, it’s overwhelming. The guilt eats away at you and becomes a part of you that doesn’t go away. No one deserves that.”

“It sounds like you know from experience.” Ella says softly, comforting.

“My wife passed away from ovarian cancer less than a year ago.” It comes out sternly but only because I try to hold back the threatening ache of tears. “Apparently I wouldn’t know how Erin would feel though.”

“I am so sorry to hear that.” Ella pats my leg, “Erin is quick to defend herself and she can say things without thinking. I guess you two have more in common than she knows.”

“Ali has been such a big help, she made me feel like I could breathe again so I just don’t understand how she could feel that much animosity towards her.”

“It is just something that Erin and Ali will have to work out and I’m sure eventually they will.”

“I don’t even understand what really happened.” I say feeling so confused.

“Well I think it’s something that Ali will have to tell you so just be patient and wait for her to open up to you.” Ella looks at her watch, “Listen I should get back to my job searching but go back to the venue and try again with Erin. Maybe you’ll be what she needs to see things from a different perspective. I really hope that they can work it out, I hate to see two people so heartbroken.”

“I doubt it but you’re looking for a job?” I ask curious.

“Yeah Erin lives here but I’m just visiting. I am trying to move up here but finding a job is a little harder than expected.” She sighs but still looks optimistic. “See you tomorrow at the show!” She exclaims sincerely.

There is something about Ella that I just enjoy. Her presence is comforting and friendly, she makes me want to sit and talk with her.

“Ella wait up.” It was an easy decision.

*

I walk into the venue and it’s already transformed into this elegant atmosphere. There are tables set up for food and seating areas. There are display cases everywhere, beautiful drapery and lighting, and a little auction place for the silent auction they are going to do.

“I’m glad to see you back.” Alex smiles cautiously walking towards me with a clipboard that contains her check list. “I could use your help moving in the rest of the chairs.”

“Alright I can do that.” I start occupying myself with anything that Alex needs to be done. Erin continually glances at me but instead of the cold look I expect it’s filled with silent apologies that I’m not ready to accept.

A couple hours later the checklist is complete and we are all finishing up and cleaning that needs to be done.

“So I think we are all set for tonight.” Alex looks down at her list, “Erin will come by tomorrow and display all of her art work, catering will get here at four and start setting up, and we will be ready by six.”

“Sounds good.”

“Thank you again both of you for your help.” Erin looks at both of us but I look away.

“Hey guys.” Sydney and Kristie greet as they walk into the venue. “Wow this place looks great.” Sydney says giving her stamp of approval.

“What are you guys doing here?” Alex asks happy to see our friends.

“Well I’m dropping off Ashlyn’s car and then we are going to get something to eat.” Kristie responds, “You want to come and have Tobin meet us there?”

“Yeah that sounds great.” Alex smiles at the invite and texts Tobin quickly on her phone. “Erin would you and your girlfriend like to join us?”

“She can’t.” Everyone looks at me surprised that I said I was so abrupt but they don’t understand.

“It’s okay I’ll make something at home.” Erin nods dejectedly. “Thanks again for everything you guys have done.” Erin begins to walk away.

“What I meant was Ella can’t join you.” I wait for her to turn around and look at me confused, “She can’t join you because she started her first shift today.” Erin looks confused still so I clarify more for her. “She told me she needed a job and that she was waiting to move here until she found one so I offered her a job as a waitress.”

“Oh.” Erin says surprised not expecting my response.

“So I’m sorry but Ella can’t join for dinner but you’re more than welcomed to.” I smile trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

“I’d love to.” Erin smiles and it gives me the hope I need to try and help her.

*

“The things Sydney has talked herself out of.” Tobin shakes her head laughing at a story Kristie was telling.

“That isn’t true remember that time I got pulled over for speeding in a work zone?” Sydney gives an example which makes all burst into laughing.

“Yeah he ended up asking for your number and you went on a date.” Alex manages to get out.

“Okay well what about that time I lost my ticket to a concert and had to buy a new one.”

“Yeah the guy accidentally sold you a ticket in the Orchestra Pit which then you later traded a kid for a lawn seat with us and made forty bucks.” Kristie scoffs proving Sydney wrong once again.

“Yeah but I bought your drinks for the night with it Kristie so shush.” Sydney scolds Kristie.

“True that’s why I keep you around for your continual luck.” Kristie smirks teasingly while Sydney begins to pout. “I’m just kidding.” Kristie smiles kissing Sydney’s cheek.

It looks innocent but given the circumstances and the way Hope’s face drops everyone feels the tension as soon as Kristie pulls away.

Kristie looks away the guilt of everything with Hope and Sydney pouring from her. I can see Sydney’s struggle too, trying to hide her feelings that are trying to break through the cracks. I see Hope who is lost and heartbroken and trying so hard to salvage their relationship.

“You guys are lucky to have such close friendships with one another.” Ella chimes in, “Even here with Hope, Lauren, and ARod you all seem so close it’s incredible.”

“Yeah I only hang out for the food.” Sydney teases complimenting Hope’s cooking.

Hope comes around to the counter since no one is here dying down this late at night and sits next to me.

“The food really is incredible.” Sydney smiles at Hope.

“Thanks Syd I know you only like me for the food.” Hope winks trying to play along.

“That is not true I come for your sarcasm too.” Sydney winks so Hope knows it’s all in good humor.

“Yeah well Ella I’m glad to have you here but just know now you’ll have to deal with every single one of these people on a daily basis. Ashlyn doesn’t pay enough for this kind of torture.”

“Oh come on babe.” Kristie leans over for Hope to kiss her. “We aren’t that bad.”

“I think I’m going to like it here.” Ella smiles brightly, “Thank you again for this opportunity Ashlyn.”

“You’re welcome we definitely needed someone.” I smile.

“Yeah you should feel lucky.” Tobin joins the conversation, “We went through a whole stack of applications but none of them felt right to Ash.”

“I don’t hire people based on how well they make themselves look on paper. I base it on their personality and if I think they can make a change.”

“A change?” Erin asks curiously.

“In people’s lives.” I shrug my shoulders.

The door rings open and I see her eyes and I have only ever felt the way my body reacts with one other person. There is this lightness I get when I see her that makes my whole body feel alive.

I walk around the counter and I don’t remember what happened the night before until I see the distant look in her face. I stop right as I reach her not knowing if I should try to hug her.

“Hey Alex.” I smile timidly but she doesn’t return the smile.

“What’s going on?” She looks from the group of people to me.

“We’re just eating why don’t you come join us.”

“No I can’t.” She clears her throat and I can tell by her stance and voice that she isn’t happy. “I’ll talk to you later.”Ali walks out of the café and I look back quickly to see Erin looking down and Tobin waving her hand to go after her.

“Go dude.” Sydney finally says and my feet finally move.

“Alex wait up.” I yell but she just ignores me. I jog to catch up to her but she doesn’t slow her pace down. “Hey Alex stop.”

“Ashlyn not now okay?”  She keeps walking but I don’t want her to go if she’s upset. I step in front of her so she has to stop and we hit into each other stumbling a little.

When I finally get my bearing I notice that tears are rolling down her face.

“Hey hey hey.” I wipe away her tears with my thumbs, “What’s wrong Alex you can tell me.”

“You were there that night.” She bursts out, “You were there when she said all of those things and now you invited her to have dinner with you.”

“Alex I told Lex I would help her set up for this art show she was helping an artist put on to help raise money for a scholarship at Penn state.” I want her to know I’m not doing this to hurt her, “I didn’t know it was her but I hired Ella as a waitress so we all came to have dinner. I’ve been texting you but you haven’t responded.”

“You hired her girlfriend?” She asks incredulous and I don’t understand why she is being this way. “That’s great.”

“Why are you being like this?” I raise my voice a little, “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Out of anyone you should get it.” She yells back, “She truly blames me for everything and now you’ve hired her girlfriend and you’re in there eating dinner with them. Now I can have an even better continual reminder to me of how I was too selfish to be there for my dying best friend.”

“Alex.” I breathe out.

“No don’t you get it? I pushed Erin to come and we didn’t get to say goodbye. Carm told me to push her to come and I knew I shouldn’t but it was what she wanted.”

“Alex let me help you.” I reach out for her but she steps away from me.

“You can’t help me.” She yells, fresh tears coming down her face. She walks away and I let her go not knowing what I’m supposed to do to fix her pain.

*

“Ash it’s almost three don’t you think you should be sleeping by now?” Kristie comes out into the living room where I’ve been sitting the last couple of hours.

“I can’t sleep.” I look at the clock, “Why are you up?”

“Well I was lying in Syd’s bed and all I could think about was Hope.” She sighs out.

“Ouch don’t tell that to Syd it might ruin her ego.” I try to tease to lighten the mood. Kristie shoves me a little but I see how bothered she is.

“What’s going on with you guys?”

“She is just so closed off now. She acts like we broke up or that she’s waiting for me to do it but Ash I don’t want to break up with her. I just needed to come home. I needed to find myself again but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with her.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“I don’t get to see her to even try. The only time I see her is at the Café and that isn’t much of a place to have a serious discussion about your relationship. I’m working and she’s working it’s been hard to even find time.”

“Well let’s make time. I will give her tomorrow off and close up the Café so everything can come to the show.” I shrug happily thinking it’s a good idea.

“Really?” She smiles sleepily at me.

“Yeah of course I mean I think everyone deserves a day off and it’s for a good cause.”

“Ashlyn you’re amazing.” She puts her head on my shoulder wrapping her arm around mine. “Don’t worry about Ali okay? She’s just having a hard time right now.”

“Kris she just looked so defeated.” I shake my head picturing her face, “She told me I couldn’t help her and I honestly feel like I can’t. She feels so much guilt and blames herself for so much. She lost someone she loved and she blames herself for not being there when she died. No one should have to feel that kind of guilt.”

“Ashlyn you have been going through the same thing. You know how she feels and what she is going through. You can help her because you have been working through it.”

“Yes because of Kelley.” I reason with her, “Kelley is the reason any of us have been able to make it this far without her. She is the reason I am still fighting every day to keep making my life the best it possibly can be. She is the reason I’m not drowning.”

“Then maybe Kelley can help you with this just think about what Kelley would do in this situation.” Kristie’s words instantly have my mind reeling.

“I think I know what I can do.” I stand up pulling Kristie to her feet. I kiss her forehead, “Thank you Kris.”

“Everything will work out.” She smiles hopeful at me, “Kelley wouldn’t let it be any other way.”

*

I walk up to the door and begin to knock. It’s a small apartment complex but it is really nice and in a nice area. I keep knocking hoping that someone wakes up and answers the door. Finally after I hear someone at the door unlocking it and when it opens and I see a very not so pleasant face.

“Ashlyn? What the hell are you doing here?” She rubs her eyes trying to figure out why I’m at her doorstep this early in the morning.

“I need you to come with me so go get dressed.”

“This has to be a joke.” She groans.

“No I’m serious.” I give her a stern look, “Now meet me outside in five or ill just keep knocking.”

“Fine.” She huffs shutting the door to go get dressed. She comes out a couple minutes later and I don’t waste time getting to our destination.

We walk down to the dock and I motion her to get in.

“You’re not going to kill me and then dump my body right?” She asks teasingly.

“Get in.” I shake my head as I continue to untie the knots. I start the boat and luckily its light enough out that I can see.

We continue to drive and I let the wind against my body give me the encouragement that this is the right thing. We continue to make our way farther from the shore until I feel like we’re at a good spot to stop.

“How long have you owned a boat for?” Erin makes conversation and I can tell she is still confused about why I brought her here.

“My wife left it for me after she died.”

“Ashlyn listen about yesterday I’m sorry for what I said about you not understanding how I feel or what I’ve been through.”

“I know you are.” I turn to her, “I brought you out here to tell you how my wife saved me after she passed away.” I continue to tell Erin everything that happened. I tell her about our love, our life and friends, her death, the aftermath, the letters and videos that have saved me, and Ali. And by the time I finish I’m in tears and she looks like she’s on the verge of crying.

“I felt so much guilt and anger from her passing away. She was the best person I ever met and the last person on earth who deserved to die so young. She was eccentric, beautiful, full of life, and had a heart so full with love it poured out onto all of us. I feel so much guilt and I couldn’t help but blame myself. I tried to find ways of how I couldn’t stop it or what I should’ve done differently but Kelley made me realize that I did everything I could. I loved her and she knows that. It took me a long time to realize that but I know I did everything I could given my situation.”

“I can’t get passed it Ashlyn,” She wipes at her eyes, “Carm was dying and I knew that, we both did but we went to the Olympics anyways. Ali went to play with the U.S. team and I went and played for the Canadian team. We all had dreams to go together but Carm couldn’t go. Carm wanted us to go she said we had to because she had to see at least one of us win a gold medal.  She pushed us to go but I just felt like it wasn’t a good idea. Ali sat there and convinced me that we had to do this that it was too big of an opportunity to not go. We had to go and make Carm proud of us.” She wipes the steady tears from her face, “We went and the U.S. kept advancing after we lost and I stayed there for Ali and the team. I stayed to watch her win and she did, she won a gold medal for her country and our best friend died that day. She never saw her win the gold medal and we weren’t there to say goodbye.”

“It is so hard not being able to say goodbye especially not being there but Carm wanted you guys to take the opportunity of a lifetime. She wanted to see you guys excel and she wanted to know you guys would accomplish things without her. I know I didn’t know Carm but she reminds me of Kelley from what I have been told. She would have wanted you there with Ali to be there and support each other through the hard times.”

“We should’ve stayed and said goodbye.”

“The problem with goodbyes is that it’s so permanent and what I’ve come to find out is that even if someone isn’t physically with you anymore, they are still there. It seems to me like Carm knew that that a goodbye wasn’t necessary and that’s why she let you guys go.”

“I miss her.” Erin sniffs out but it’s almost like I can see some of the weight leave her body.

“I know but she’s still with you I mean look at this amazing because you are doing for her and for a college student who wants to continue their soccer career. She is in everything you do.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like she’s gone like when something happens I grab my phone to call her but then I realize I cant.”

“I still reach over in the morning in bed thinking she’s there.” I rub the back of my neck feeling the tension of Kelley’s absence, “I still get that ache in my chest when I think about her actually being gone. The feeling will never settle but finding peace is what has kept me sane. Ali is such an amazing person and I want her to find peace. I want you to find peace and stop holding on to these negative feelings.”

“I don’t hate Ali.” Erin confesses and I see the crumbling pieces of the wall she has built up slowly come down, “I talk to her brother a lot to make sure she’s okay. It’s been almost six years but I still care about her I just feel-”

“It’s easy to project negativity on someone else then deal with it but from what Ella tells me you are so much more than that. Find it in yourself to forgive yourself and Ali, stop holding on to this anger.”

“How?” Erin asks sincerely. I can see it in her eyes that she doesn’t want to keep holding on to these feelings. I can see how desperately she wants to find peace.

The sun is rising on the horizon igniting the sky with the colors that could only ever remind me of Kelley. The sunrise has become my favorite time of the day. I go out to the spot where Kelley and I would sit and its one of the only moments where I feel like I can physically feel her.

“Look at the sun and know that the colors in the sky those beautiful colors that light up our whole world is because of her. When you have those rare moments of clarity and calmness that it’s here. Look in the mirror and know the person you are is because she has helped shape you into that person. Find everything that’s beautiful and know she is there.”

“I need to get back there is something I need to do.” She says with such clarity in her eyes and it’s like all the anger visibly disappears from her body.

*

I wait outside checking my watch waiting impatiently for them to show up. I feel the nervous excitement radiating through my body. My stomach doing continual flips as I play out the nights possible outcomes.

I see the three of them walking towards me and I can’t remember the last time my heart beat this fast. She’s wearing a short black dress that flares out a little at the bottom. Her hair is down to one side and I swear time feelings like it’s stopped. She looks absolutely breath taking.

“Hi Alex.” I timidly approach her and I know she’s caught off guard. “You look absolutely beautiful.”

“What’s going on?” She turns to look at Megan and Lori who I involved in my plan.

“Well you wouldn’t answer my phone calls so I figured I would need a little help.” I reach my arm out inviting her to take it, “Will you come with me?”

“Ashlyn.” She begins to decline but Lori gives her a push towards me and she reluctantly takes my arm.

“See you in there!” Megan says happily, “We will be at the bar.”

I bring her into the venue and the atmosphere explodes around us. Beautiful lights, tapestry, furniture, and Erin’s artwork surrounds us. There is music playing lightly in the background mixing in with the buzz of the people’s conversations.

“This is amazing.” Ali looks around in awe.

“She’s a talented artist.” I acknowledge.

“She always has been.” Ali comments as she begins walking around with me looking at all of the artwork.

“There is one that is my favorite will you come look at it with me?” I ask her pulling her in the direction of it.

We get up to the painting and as she notices it she gasps. She covers her mouth staring at the artwork before her. The colors of the painting match the brightest of sunrises. The portrait of three women are painted intricately and it really is the most beautiful painting I have seen in a long time.

“Oh my god.” Ali chokes out as she sees the painting of herself, Erin, and Carm.

“Ali.” We hear her name and Erin is standing there. “I’m sorry for blaming you for so long and I can never explain to you how much I regret not being in your life the past six years. When Carm died I blamed you for not being able to say goodbye-”

“Carm asked me to convince you.” Ali says through tears, “I didn’t want to leave but she told me I had to convince you to come with me. She said if she wished for anything it was to have us go. I’m so sorry I didn’t know- I didn’t know that…” Ali can’t continue her voice too strained to continue the words she’s wanted to say for so long.

“When I lost Carm I was so devastated I turned all of my emotions into anger and threw them towards you. I lost two best friends that day and I realize now that I held onto this anger for so long because something was missing and Ashlyn made me realize that it was you. I felt like I had lost you for good and it ate me up inside. You were my family and I need you in my life.” Erin reaches her hand out for Ali who goes rushing into her arms.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Ali cries out but I can feel the relief flood from both of them. They hug and mumble to each other until they both gain composure.

“Oh wow.” Erin wipes her eyes laughing a little, “I’m sorry I’m blubbering right now.”

“It’s okay.” Ali smiles at her.

“Let’s fix you make up a little.” Erin laughs wiping under Ali’s eyes. “There much better.”

“Thank you.” Ali smiles brightly and I remember why I love that smile so much.

“You are extremely lucky to such an amazing girlfriend.” Erin looks at me. This is the first time someone has called me her girlfriend. I feel my heart in my throat and I worry about what Ali will say but she looks at me with those brown eyes and I know then.

“Yeah I am.”

The rest of the night we spend laughing with our friends and having a good time. All of my friends fell in love with Megan and Lori. We all spent most of the time laughing at their jokes. Everyone was enjoying themselves even Kristie and Hope seemed to be okay.

Erin’s artwork raised twice the money as she needed for the scholarship. Erin even gave a speech about Carm and how amazing she was and how much she has inspired her. She also mentioned how thankful she was that Ali was there tonight to be a part of this great cause.

We all said our goodbyes as the night winded down. I gave Ali a ride home because Lori and Megan decided to go out with Kristie and Sydney.

We drove home and the energy radiating off of Ali was contagious. I walked her up top her doorstep. Ali lived in a house with Lori and Megan and it was absolutely beautiful. It was in a small neighborhood but the houses were gorgeous.

“Tonight was absolutely-” She shakes her head not being able to find the words, “indiscernible. Ashlyn I don’t have the words to even begin to explain to you how, god um I just could never repay you for this.” She begins to get choked up but this time I know it’s because she is happy. “I am so lucky to have you.”

“I just wanted to help you the same way you have helped me.” I put my hands on her waist bringing her closer to me.

“You know someone once told me that I was going to meet someone who would change my life. I have met a few but you are far surpass anyone.”

“You called me your girlfriend tonight.” I comment lightly not being able to forget the way it sounded coming from her lips.

“There is a simplicity to us that doesn’t need grand gestures.” She smiles running her hand along my face, “We’re just beautifully simple.”

I kiss Ali because standing here and looking at her talk about us with the biggest smile on her face and a brightness in her eyes ignites every single nerve in my body. The moment she kisses me back I can feel the holes inside of me begin to fill. My entire body sparks with energy that I haven’t felt since Kelley was taken from me.

“Ali.” I pull away pressing my forehead against hers trying to steady myself. I breathe in the smell of her hair and perfume trying to remember how perfectly they combine together.

She lifts my face up to meet her eyes, her brown eyes so reassuring and fervent. She runs her hand along my face and kisses me one more time. The kiss is quick and sweet but holds so many unsaid words in it. She breathes in and as I stare at her stunning lips she says the one thing I hadn’t expected.

“Stay with me.”


	18. Chapter 18

The camera lenses focus in on her face. The sun shaping her jawline in a way that leaves me in awe and I hear myself inhale behind the camera wanting nothing more than to trace the shadowy outlines of her face.

“Ashlyn.” She smiles innocently while her finger waves me closer. The camera bounces in and out of focus as I walk up to her, wrapping my free arm around her.

I see myself in the camera as I join her in the shot. I kiss her cheek and look at the camera with smiling about our happy news.

“Okay babe, tell everyone what we are doing.” I smile happily as I wait for her response.

“Well my sweet, sweet girlfriend we are setting up for our first annual badminton tournament!” She jumps up and down like a little kid.

“And we’re going to crush you guys.” I turn the camera to Alex who is walking out of our house with a long box that holds the badminton set.

“In your dreams.” Tobin follows out after her with bags of groceries and supplies for today.

I laugh at how competitive my friends are and I turn the camera back to Kelley to get her response. She’s looking at Tobin trying to flex her muscles to look intimidating as Tobin just shakes her head, putting the stuff on our picnic table.

“Babe let the camera know why this badminton tournament is so important.” Her face lights up and her smile is so pure and welcoming.

“Well it is so important because it is the first time we will have this tournament in our brand new house!” She waves her hands at the house like she’s presenting a prize.

“That’s right, we finally have a house with a backyard!” I say happily.

“Alright love birds come help us set up before the rest get here okay?” Tobin yells at us but my camera stays focused on Kelley.

She mouths out a love you and I remember exactly how those words wrapped around my body leaving goose bumps everywhere.

“Say goodbye babe.” I smile and she blows the camera a kiss. The shot goes to my face and hers as I hold the camera crookedly trying to kiss her. As the camera shuts off I close my eyes trying to remember what it felt like to feel the taste of her love on my lips.

“You made her so happy Ashlyn.” I open my eyes to see Kristie standing in the entry way. “Can’t sleep?”

I wipe at my eyes trying to keep my composure feeling embarrassed that I had woken her up.

“I’m sorry did I wake you?” I ask her feeling my throat tighten a little. She waves her hand dismissively and sits down next to me.

“Syd told me you do this a lot is it true?”

“Yeah.” I lower my head feeling embarrassed.

“Hey.” She places her hand on my leg giving it a gentle squeeze, “It isn’t a bad thing Ashlyn, watching these videos all the time isn’t something to be ashamed of.”

“I still try to feel her Kris.” I shake my head, “I want to feel her physically and emotionally. I watch these videos to live in the past because she isn’t here in the present. “

“And what is so wrong with that?” Kristie questions sincerely.

“Because then there is Ali who is actually here and I really like her so I feel guilty for liking her and I also feel guilty for still wanting Kelley here.”

“I don’t know how tough that must be but Ali understands and Kelley does too.” She pats my leg again, “They both want you happy Ash.”

“I know that.”

“Then you have to stop with the guilt okay?”

“I can’t-” I stop when I see a dreary eyed Sydney come slumping in the room. She plops down across our legs and immediately falls asleep without a word.We both chuckle a little at how ridiculous she is but it is comforting having her here.

“She is ridiculous.” Kristie shakes her head running her fingernails in Sydney’s hair.

“Yes but that’s why we love her.” I smile at how Kristie is looking at her which brings up a topic I have been meaning to talk to Kristie about.

“HAO will be here tomorrow.” Kristie points out. HAO is coming up because in two days for the tournament.

“I know I’m excited to see her but…” I tell Kristie something I haven’t openly said to anyone yet, “I don’t want to have a badminton tournament this year.”

“What?” Kristie asks and I can tell she is shocked. “Ashlyn we have to.”

“It doesn’t feel right.” I shrug my shoulder and we settle into complete silence. I know Kristie and everyone will be upset but I just don’t think I can do it. I know I have made progress trying to move on but this is something I haven’t been able to overcome yet. “So Kristie have you talked to Hope at all?” I try to change the subject.

Kristie lets out a huge sigh frustrated with what I told her and I know she has been struggling with this whole Hope situation.

“I don’t really know what to say to her, we talk but I know she is hurting and I can’t fix it.” She huffs out, “We were fine at the art show and I even stayed at her house, but the next day I had to come home and we went right back to the awkwardness.”

“You know you can still live with us and have a healthy normal relationship with her.”

“I know but there is something holding me back now.” She looks at me, “There is this feeling I don’t know what it is but it’s getting in the way.

“What are you saying?”

“I let myself disappear the past couple of months with her and I used her as my safe haven. I left you guys and I didn’t deal with my issues like I should. I moved in with her so quickly and yes I liked it but it didn’t feel right. Something was missing, something is missing, and I don’t know what it is.” Kristie says getting lost in her thought as she stares at the sleeping Sydney on her lap.

“Do you want to be with Hope?”

“Hope is amazing and she makes me happy, we barely ever fought and she didn’t drive me crazy.” Kristie doesn’t sound too convinced, “I am safe with her and my heart is safe.”

“I love Hope but it sounds like you’re just scared and you’re just with her because she is safe.”

“But I like her and I like being with her I just… I don’t know.” She puffs outa frustrated sigh and Sydney responds with a grumble. Kristie shakes her head annoyed but her eyes turn soft and she seems lost in staring at Sydney.

I wonder when she is going to admit to herself that she has feelings for Syd.

“You will figure it out.” I wrap my arm around her pulling her close.

“So are we ever going to discuss the fact that you didn’t come home the night of the art show?” I hearthe little suggestive tone in her voice that makes my face feel alittle heated.

“I stayed the night at Ali’s.” I confess even though she already knew.

“And?”

“It was nice to actually wake up next to someone.” I smile remembering the feeling, “It was nice not to feel an empty space next to you.”

“But?” Kristie questions the hesitation in my voice.

“All we did was sleep and I still couldn’t help but feel so guilty when I got home.”

“I think that’s natural Ash I mean you are still trying to live a life without Kelley. You just have to realize that Kelley isn’t here anymore and-” Kristie stops knowing the direction she was going in wasn’t the best. “I’m sorry Ash.”

“It’s okay I get it.” I smile sadly at her, “It’s just still hard to swallow.”

“I know.” She sighs. We sit in silence a bit longer until her eyes start to get tired, “Alright I think it’s time we all go back to bed yeah? Hey Syd time to get up.” Kris lifts Sydney’s head to wake up.

“Fine but we’re sleeping in my bed.” Sydney grumbles as she gets up pulling Kristie to her room.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of the tournament that easy.” Kristie glares playfully before Sydney drags her out of the room.

I wait until the door is shut and they’re in bed before I replay the video.

*

“Go get it boy.” I watch as KO splashes into the water getting the stick I just threw. He loves to swim so any chance I get I bring him with me.

“It is so nice out here.” Alex breathes out looking at our surroundings.

I asked Alex and Tobin to go on an early morning hike with me. I couldn’t sleep and just needed some fresh air. We walked the trails to a small secluded pond so KO could cool off.

“I always loved coming out here with you guys.”

“Remember when we spent the night out here because Kelley wanted to camp?” Alex laughs remembering how awful it was.

“Oh my god that was a disaster.” I groan out remembering the events from that night.

“It poured but Kelley wanted to stick it out. Our tent was soaked and a raccoon got into all the food because Kelley forgot to lock up the stuff.”

“I can’t believe she still expected us to stay one more day.”

“She was so mad at us for making her leave.”

“Ashlyn you put her over your shoulder and threw her in the lake while we packed up the stuff. I would’ve been mad too.” Tobin laughs.

“She didn’t talk to me that entire day.” I smile remember the look on her face and how she used to pout. I had to bribe her with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream just to talk to me. It took five back rubs and foot massages until I was fully forgiven.

“So Ashlyn enough with the silence.” Tobin cuts in, “Why the early morning call?”

“Tobin.” Alex scorns Tobin for abruptly asking.

“Babe we both know whenever Ashlyn calls us at the crack of dawn to go hiking that it means she wants to tell us something important.” She shrugs. That’s the problem with being so close to people. They always know when something is up.

“Alright Ash what’s on your mind?” Alex looks at me supportively.

“I was thinking that maybe we shouldn’t have the tournament this year.” I know the exasperated looks are present on their faces before I even look at them. I keep my focus on KO who is currently digging a hole.

“Ashlyn we have to have this tournament.” Alex expressed her distaste for my suggestion in the tone of her voice.

“Why do we have to?”

“It’s a tradition.”

“I know but I was thinking maybe we could just skip it.” I suggest not wanting to start an argument, “I mean it isn’t a big deal to skip it right?”

“Dude.” Tobin’s voice is concerned, “Listen I know it’s tough we want to make the best of this and I think we owe it to Kelley to continue the tradition that she started.”

“I just don’t really want to continue it that’s all.” I stand up feeling like I need to open my lungs more, “I don’t want to have this tournament at all okay?”

“What are you so scared of?” Alex blurts out with a trembling voice. “This was Kelley’s favorite day and you don’t even want to celebrate it?”

“Not really.”

I can hear Alex standing up and heading back to the car. Alex is stubborn and I know she’s upset but eventually she will see it’s for the best.

“I’m not trying to make anyone upset Tobs.” I sigh out wishing things would just be easy for once.

“I know dude but think about who you’re really hurting right now.” She pats my shoulder, “Come on let’s get going.”

She starts walking ahead to catch up with Alex who I know is beyond fuming by now. I watch KO prance towards me, tongue hanging from his mouth. He rubs his head against my leg and I bend down to pet him.

“Why can’t everyone be understanding like you? You don’t care if I don’t have the tournament do you?” KO immediately starts barking at me. “What you agree with them too?”

KO barks more jumping up and putting his paws on my stomach.

“You think we should still have a tournament?” He paws at me and grumbles making me feel like he actually knows what is going on.

“Well thanks for the support buddy.” I shake my head realizing that no one is going to be on my side in this case.

*

“You know if you think too hard you’re going to get so many wrinkles.” I hear her voice and it immediately puts me at ease. She sits down behind me pulling me into her.“What’s wrong pretty girl?”

“Do you really think we should have the tournament tomorrow with everything going on?” I lean into her wanting the warmth she provides.

“Don’t be silly of course we should.” She wraps her arms around me trying to convince me to not worry so much. “It’s a family tradition and it isn’t something we are going to break.”

“I know its tradition but with everything that’s happening-”

“Ashlyn I may be sick but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop living my life because of it.”

“I know that.” I try to come up with something to convince her to not have it. I worry about her health and taking on too much. I don’t know how she can celebrate at a time like this either. She’s sick and I don’t know how to live normally, knowing this. “It’s just that-”

“It’s just nothing Ash. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days worrying about being sick. I want to enjoy life and I want you to enjoy it with me got it?”

“Got it.” I say defeated knowing there will be no convincing her otherwise.

“I don’t want anyone to stop enjoying their life because of me.” I can tell by her tone that she isn’t just talking about the badminton tournament. I know she is worried about how I’ll be when she’s gone. I know she can tell in my silence that I understood what she was saying. “Come on babe I think I know how to distract you.”

“Oh yeah?” I stand up with her hearing the slight playfulness of my voice. I watch her walk ahead of me and just pray I won’t have to be without her.

I sit with KO letting the fresh ocean air calm the frantic thoughts in my head. The stars are shining brighter than any street light and I remember how blessed I feel to live right next to a beach.

I think back to this time last year and how things were so different. Kelley was still here and we were all trying to get excited for the annual tournament. I wonder how things change so quickly and how easily people can leave your life.

How hard it is to try to move on without them.

I fight to hold on to Kelley every day and how can I succeed while trying to move on as well. How do you move on from someone who changed your entire life.

This is my problem, the fight between hanging on and letting go. I just wish Kelley was here to help me through this.

It clicks then. I head back to the house knowing that the box in my closet must have answers for me. I ignore the instant commotion that I hear when I come in going straight to my room. I grab the box that stores all of Kelley’s videos and letters. I shuffle through the labels on the letters but there is nothing.

Kelley didn’t leave me any answers and a slow feeling of loneliness sinks into my skin.

I walk out of my bedroom wanting to get some air but Sydney steps in front of me before I make it to the entry way.

“Where are you going?”

“Just going for a walk with KO.” I forced a smile and follow Sydney’s gaze to a passed out KO on the couch.

“Nice try.” She points to the living room, “Sit we need to talk.”

I follow her into the living room knowing I’m going to be chastised for not wanting to have the tournament.

“Listen guys I know what you’re going to say okay? You think it’s wrong of me to want to cancel badminton but I have my reasons.”

“Yeah and we understand that.” Kristie chimes in supportively, “But Kelley wouldn’t want us to cancel badminton and you know that.”

“Its too much for me okay?”

“Well we decided that there is only one way to solve this issue.” Sydney’s smug look shows me that they aren’t giving in so easily.

“And what would that be?” I glare at her.

“Laser tag.” I hear someone scream form behind me and I jump off the couch falling to the floor from getting scared. I look up quickly to see HAO, Alex, and Tobin all in laser tag vests and with their guns.

“What the hell.” I groan lying back on the ground.

*

“Alright Ash I’m going in for the kill. I think their flag is hidden in the kitchen so cover me.” Sydney whisper as we duck down behind the entry way wall.

“No its too risky to go out in the open like that.” Kristie whispers, “You and I will go in the living room and distract them while Ashlyn sneaks in and grabs the flag.”

The agreement was that we play a round of capture the flag with laser tag thrown in the mix. The deal is if my team won then we didn’t have to have the tournament but if Alex’s team wins then we do.

We turned off all of the lights in the house and arranged the furniture for a better course for the game. We are all competitive and are taking this extremely seriously. Everyone knows what is at stake.

I know Kristie and Sydney are trying their hardest for me to win because they want to give me a fair shot at winning. They know I don’t want the tournament so they wouldn’t sabotage me just so they can have it.

I watch them sneak into the living room and instantly start shooting towards the back hallway leading into the two guest bedrooms. I watch as red and blue lights flash from the guns. The equipment that HAO bought is pretty impressive. She bought them from old laser tag company that was going out of business.  I can tell two of them are shooting towards Sydney and Kristie and the other person must be looking for our flag. I crouch towards the kitchen trying to stay hidden in the dark.

I reach the kitchen still hearing the noises of the gun.

“Gotcha.” I hear Sydney yell triumphantly knowing she must’ve shot one of the other players. I search around in the dark trying to figure out where they hid the flag. Luckily the flags glow in the dark so we can find them. I see a red glow from the pots and pans and feel triumphant. I go to reach for it when I hear someone chuckle devilishly

I hear the shot and my vest lights up signaling I was shot. I breathe out frustrated as I hear HAO triumphantly yell out that she found our flag.

The kitchen light turns on when Sydney and Kristie walk in with Tobin.

“How is it possible that they won.” Sydney breathes out showing her frustration too.

“I gave my gun to Tobin to make it seem like there was two people shooting at you guys. We had Alex hide out on the kitchen counter knowing one of you would figure out that it was in the kitchen. While Tobin distracted you guys I snuck right by you and found the flag in the bathroom.” HAO shrugs happily.

I look at Alex who has a smirk on her face and I can feel the anger of losing taking over.

“You can’t puppy guard the hideout.” I try to find an excuse for them cheating so they can’t win.

“That was never stated in the rules that we let you come up with.” Alex shrugs, “Sorry Ash but we won fairly so get ready for Saturday okay?”

“Whatever I need a beer.” I mumble out, wishing I hadn’t agreed to this stupid game.

*

“Lauren table four needs a refill.” I ask Lauren as I continue to make someone’s coffee.

“On it.” Lauren grabs the coffee pot and heads over to refill glasses.

“Morgan wanna get those peoples orders?” I point at the people who just sat down.

“Of course.”Morgan smiles. Morgan is the new girl I ended up hiring. She is twenty one and graduated from University of Virginia and decided to move out here with some friends. Shes originally from Georgia which caught my eye. She’s really personable and great with customers. She reminds me of Kelley and that’s a big reason why I hired her.

We get through the morning rush and we have about an hour and a half before lunch.

“Hope did our order come in yesterday?” I walk into the back to make sure we have everything we need for the week.

“Yeah it came in yesterday morning.” Hope takes a seat on the stool, “How’s everything going?”

“It’s good.” I yawn tired from staying up the night before catching up with heather and the girls, “Heather is in town so it was a late night and too much beer.”

“Oh that’s fun what is she in town for?”

“We have an annual badminton tournament.” Hope raises her eyebrow, “We’ve been doing it for a couple years now and apparently we can’t break tradition so it’s this Saturday.”

“And why don’t you want to have it?” She asks me questioningly.

“It was Kelley’s idea.” I breathe through the thoughts running ramped in my mind. “She thought it was a good idea and we’ve done it ever since.”

“That’s rough.” Hope agrees, “But if I have learned anything about Kelley from you guys it’s that she would kick your ass if you cancelled.”

“You sound like everyone else.” I stand up when I hear Lauren calling for me. I walk out and Ali is sitting out the counter.

The moment we make eye contact the smile I’ve grown to adore is spread across her face. Her eyes beam at me and it calms my mind instantly.

“Hey Ash.” She leans over the counter and I return her kiss.

“Hey Alex what are you doing here?” I smile feeling the warmth her kiss has given me.

“Well I had an early meeting with a client so I figured I would stop by to say hi before I go to work. Do you have time to go for a walk?”

“Yeah of course.” Ali and I walk down to the boardwalk that’s near the shop. We sit at a little bench and soak in the sun.

She immediately grabs my hand and we sit in peaceful silence for a little while.

“What is going on in that head?” She breaks the silence.

“Nothing I’m just enjoying the view.”

“Come on Ash I know that isn’t true” I turn to her and there is something in her gaze that’s unreadable.

“Alex it’s nothing.” I try to shrug it off so I don’t have to have this conversation again with someone, “Every year we host a badminton tournament and this year I decided I didn’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“Because it was something we did with Kelley.”

“So that means you need to do it.” She insists.

“I don’t need to do anything.” I don’t know why I’m getting defensive but I can’t help it. Everyone’s pressure is becoming too much. “If I don’t want to host something that we used to do before Kelley died then I definitely don’t have to.”

“Yeah but don’t you think that Kelley would want you to continue it?” Her persistence starts to get under my skin, “She would want you to keep living your life and enjoying these kinds of events.”

“Like I don’t know that Alex.”

“I’m not trying to make you mad Ashlyn.” She puts her hand on my knee, “I just think that it’s time that you start to-”

“To what?” I stand up, “Move on?”

“I just think that Kelley would want you to start moving on.” She says it timidly but the weight of her words feel like an attack.

“How would you know what Kelley would want?” I scoff angrily, “You didn’t even know Kelley.”

Alex pauses for a second, her eyes look far away from me. I know I shouldn’t be getting mad and I know she is just trying to help, but I’m so sick of people telling me how I should feel and what I should do.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, all I’m saying is-”

“Yes you are.” I cut her off. “You’re telling me that I should move on.  You’re telling me that I can’t be upset about hosting events that my wife originally planned. It isn’t that easy.” I shift feeling uncomfortable, “Look I know everything thinks this is something we should do or that it isn’t a big deal but it’s a big deal to me.”

“I’m not saying it isn’t a big deal Ash. All I’m saying is, is that maybe it is something you should do.”

“What is the big deal about not wanting to have it?” I groan.

“What is the big deal if you do have it?” Alex pushes which I’m not used to.

“Why does it matter to you so much?” I watch her as she debates what to say. I can tell by the way she bites her inner lip that there is something she wants to say.

“I don’t know.” She looks at me nervously, “I just think it could help you to continue to help you heal that’s all.”

“I’m doing my best.”

“Are you?” Ali shoots back quickly. I hear the bitter undertone to her voice that catches me off guard.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask defensively.

“Nothing.” She tries to brush it off but I won’t let this go.

“No Alex tell me how I’m not trying my best to continue to live my life without her.”

“That isn’t what I’m saying.”

“Yes it is exactly what you just said.” I fire back quickly. “You think that I’m not trying my best and that really pisses me off. I lost my wife and the love of my life. I lost the biggest part of my life and I fight everyday to fill the missing piece that she her death left me with.”

“I didn’t mean to say you aren’t trying your best Ashlyn I just-” I can see that Ali is getting flustered but all I can focus on is that she doesn’t think I’m trying my best.

“What do you want from me Alex.” I feel the frustration in the tone of my voice. “I am trying so hard to be what everyone wants me to be. I am trying to live my life the best way I know how and it just isn’t enough for anyone or for you.”

“I’m not asking you to be anything.” She replies sternly, “I want you to be what you want to be and to do it at your own pace.”

“No you don’t.”

“How would you know what I want Ashlyn?” She stands up and I know I hit a nerve. “You don’t know what I want or how I feel.”

“Yes I do.” I inhale feeling the anger overflow my thoughts, “You don’t want me to act like a widow.”

 “Wow.” Alex eyes look straight into mine with such anger, “I can’t believe you just said that.” She shakes her head walking away from me but stops and turns back around towards me, “When are you going to stop feeling guilty for still being alive.”

“I don’t-”

“Don’t try to tell me that you’re not.” She immediately cuts me off, “I know you Ashlyn despite what you think. I see the sadness and faraway look when you think about her. I see the way your hands shake because it’s eating you up inside to be with me. I see the guilt in your eyes when we’re together…when you kiss me. I see all of it.” She steps towards me and it’s a side of Ali that I have never seen before. “All I wanted to do was be here for you, help you through the sadness, and the guilt…I was never trying to…you know what forget it.” She grabs her bag from the bench and turns to walk away again.

“You know you’re not the only one who feels the suffocating guilt in this relationship.” She says it softly but it was loud enough for me to hear.

I stand there letting the weight of our conversation sink in. I don’t really know what to make of it or how to begin to sort through all of it.

*

“Ashlyn?” I hear the doorbell jingle to the coffee shop. I went through the entire day in a daze, just replaying everything that Ali said to me.

“What are you doing?” Heather looks down at me. I’ve been lying in a booth since we closed wanting some peace and quiet that my house doesn’t offer me at the moment.

“Just thinking.”

“Uh oh.” Heather jokes. I crack a small smile which encourages Heather to sit down in the booth with me. I sit up to face her knowing that I’m about to get an infamous Heather pep talk. “What is going on Ash?”

“I don’t want to do this without her.”

“I know, none of us do, but this is something we need to do.” Heather sighs, “We all need to find ways to move on, not without Kelley, but with her in our hearts. We need to celebrate her life and the traditions she blessed us with. Ash, we get to celebrate her life tomorrow and the memories that came with it. This isn’t about moving on from her to forget her but moving on from mourning her death and celebrating her instead.”

“I don’t mean the badminton tournament.”I finally admit out loud, “I mean it is about the badminton tournament but then its also not. Its been almost a year and I still feel consumed by her death. I have healed so much but am still so broken.”

“Ashlyn her death is always going to be a weight that you carry with you.”

“I just want to feel okay about living my life.” I let out a heavy sigh with the admission of my feelings, “I own my successful café, I still have my amazing friends, a life, a girlfriend, and I can’t help but feel guilty about it.”

“Ash you cannot let the fact that you are moving on eat you away. I can’t say that it won’t be hard for all of us especially you but we have to try.”

She reaches across the table handing me a envelope. “Here I think this could help our situation.”

The envelope read _When the guilt becomes too much_

_Dear Heather,_

_I know you’re reading this letter because you have started your new family and feel like you have everything you need in life. I know you look at your beautiful baby boy and know what complete happiness feels like. I also know that there will be a time where you feel guilty for being so happy. You wont feel guilt for just me but for everyone else, especially Ashlyn. You will feel guilty for having a growing family and I need you to know that it is okay to be happy with your life. It is okay to continue to grow and live with your new beautiful family. You do not need to feel guilty about having a life because that’s all I want for all of you. I want everyone to live exactly the way we had imagined it would be if I was there. I do not want to be remembered with the feeling of guilt being associated with my name. I want to be celebrated through every new accomplishment and adventure each one of you has.  I refuse to be a missing piece in your family’s life, yours, and everyone else so remind them. Remind them that I am with them and to never feel like I am being left behind. We are a family and just because one of us may not be there does not mean that changes. Please carry this outlook through the rest of your life and share it with our loved ones when they need reminding._

_It is okay to continue to live when I have stopped._

_I love and miss you all so much._

_I will forever be in your hearts,_

_Kelley_

“I went through what you’re continually going through. I was letting the guilt eat away at me but that isn’t how Kelley would want us to live. When I read this it gave me a new outlook and I was hoping that it would do the same for you. We all have parts of her within us, so yes Kelley isn’t here physically but that doesn’t mean she is missing.”

I wipe away the tears running down my cheeks, staring down at the letter I had been waiting for.

Kelley truly is always here for us and this is exactly the push I needed from her.

“Thank you HAO for showing me this.” I manage to get out.

“You’re welcome.” She comes and sits next to me, pulling me into her side. “Now listen here, we are going to celebrate her tomorrow and we are going to do it as a family. All seven of us.”

“I didn’t plan anything out.” I admit to Heather as she pulls me to my feet.

“Oh don’t worry we did.” She gives me a devilish smirk, “Now come on. Sydneys going to drink all of our wine if we don’t hurry.” We both laugh out loud as we head home to our family.

*

“Come on KO bring it back.” I yell to KO who is tearing down the grass towards Tobin and I.

KO drops it and excitedly backs up waiting for Tobin to place the ball in the chuck it and throw it.

“Tell me why we are doing this again?” I ask Tobin as she whistles to KO to come back.

“We have to exercise KO so he isn’t crazy and constantly trying to steal the badminton from us.” Tobin explains as she throws the ball again. “I’m really happy you decided to do this.”

The girls told me that they would handle everything while Tobin and I exercised KO. We took him on a nice morning hike and then brought him to a field to run some more energy out.

“Yes me too.” I smile towards KO who completely misses the ball as it bounces behind him.

“So have you talked to her?” Tobin asks about Ali.

“No I called her twice last night and this morning.” I haven’t spoken to Ali since our argument and I really worry that she isn’t going to want to talk to me.

“Don’t worry bud I’m sure it will blow over.” KO brings the ball back and plops down at our feet.

He pants happily with the ball firmly in his mouth.

“You ready to go home buddy?” KO looks up at me and rolls on his back with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

“I’d take that as a yes.” Tobin laughs loudly, “Come on buddy I’ll race you to the car.” Tobin bolts for the car and KO right on her tail.

By the time we get to the house KO is passed out. Tobin pulls into the driveway and we get the groceries out from the car.

“I hope we got enough wine.” Tobin says seeming concerned.

“Dude we got five bottles.”

“Yeah but three of those are Sydney’s and the other two Kristie’s.” Tobin smiles jokingly.

“This is true we might have a problem.”

“Ash.” I look up and Ali is sitting on my front steps. She stands up when she says my name and I can feel the nervous jitter of my heartbeat.

“Hey Alex.”

“Can we talk?” And there they are the words of death.

“Yeah uh of course Tobin do you mind bringing these in?” I fumble with handing her the bags.

I follow Ali to the beach and we sit down in a quieter area. She stares out at the water for a long time and I don’t know if she wants me to go first or if she’s just thinking.

“Alex listen about yesterday-”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” I was surprised by her apology because I honestly don’t really feel like she did anything wrong. I know she was just trying to help me.

“For overstepping my boundaries, telling you that you should move on from your wife. It was so stupid of me to say that to you, I don’t really know what I was thinking. I guess I just thought that maybe if you didn’t feel guilty about us then I wouldn’t.”

“Why do you feel guilty?” I ask feeling my heart drop into my stomach.

“Because of Kelley.” She looks down like she’s ashamed, “I feel guilty because you’re still in love with your wife and she is such a part of you that I almost feel like I’m ruining your love. I feel guilty because I feel like you think what we are doing is wrong. I feel guilty for making you sad and feel that way. I feel guilty because she isn’t here but I am and I can’t give you what she did. And I mostly feel guilty for being jealous, for being jealous about how you feel for her.” By the end of Ali’s speech I can barely understand what she is saying. It breaks my heart that Ali is crying and that I have made her feel so much guilt.

“Alex I’m so sorry for making you feel so guilty about us. I never meant to make you feel so bad or to cry. I will always love Kelley and yes she is always going to be one of the biggest parts of me. That isn’t something that will ever change. I do feel guilty about having these feelings for you because of Kelley, but I am trying to figure this out.”

Ali starts to cry a little more and continues to look away from me. My heart feels heavy seeing her this way but I know that I had to get this out and tell her how I really feel.

“I can’t say that this is going to get easier anytime soon or that I won’t feel guilty but what I do know is that you were the first thing that truly made me happy when I never thought I would be again. You are the main reason that I feel like I can breathe again or that there is a life worth living ahead of me.” I lift her head up so she has to look me in the eyes, “I don’t have many answers or solutions for you but what I do know is that I want to continue to find them out with you.”

“You’re too good for me.” Her voice is small, “I’m not a good person, you should be with someone who-”

“Who makes me happy?” I cut her off and before she can respond I kiss her. She kisses me back but only for a few seconds before beginning to pull away. I wrap my hand behind her neck pulling her close, kissing her again. I kiss her until her body begins to relax, until the dark thoughts in her head start to disappear. I kiss her until her hands are in my hair and how breaths are rapid.

We finally pull away and she leans her forehead against mine.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” She whispers against my skin sends goosebumps down my spine.

“You won’t.” I reassure her and I realize in that moment that I truly believe that.

“How do you know?” She asks so unsure of herself.

“Because I know you.” I kiss her again letting the warmth wash over both of us. “Alex can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” She looks up at me with searching eyes. Her face is illuminated by the sun beating down on us. She is truly beautiful and it still catches me off guard.

I stand up reaching my hand out to her.

“Will you please come and be a part of our annual badminton tournament?” She smiles letting a breath of relief out. She takes me hand and we walk back to my house feeling stronger than ever.

We go straight to the backyard and I feel the tears immediately fill my eyes.

Sydney and Kristie are taking pictures with the racquets, Alex and Tobin are at the grill cooking, and Heather is smiling towards me.

“Ashlyn.” Ali says softly.

I can’t answer her because I’m shocked to see Hope, Amy, Lauren, Jrue, and Morgan who are all helping to set up the badminton court. Ali’s roommates Megan and Lori, as well as Erin and Ella are pouring drinks and handing them out.

“What is going on?” I breathe out.

“I wanted to show you that you have so many people who love you and want to be a part of your life. That I do want to honor your past but also enjoy the present with you. I called Alex after we talked yesterday and she liked my idea.”

“You planned this?” I look at her in disbelief, “For me?”

“I just wanted you to be happy and to see that there is better days ahead of you.” I hug her feeling so overwhelmed with happiness and surprise.

“Thank you so much.” I pull back enough to kiss her again, with a new fierceness.

“Hey no fraternizing with the enemy.” I hear Alex’s voice and Ali breaks out kiss.

“I’m sorry I forgot.” She smiles brightly. I look at Alex and we have a conversation that isn’t needed with words.

“What? You think I was going to let you and Tobin just win this year? I had to get back up and I think I have picked the perfect partner.” Alex looks at Ali with an unwavering approval and support.

“Alright you three let’s eat so Ash and I can get this ass whooping started.” Tobin yells from the grill. We walk towards the table with all of our friends sitting there with smiling faces.

“I love you.” I hug Alex tightly not letting her walk any further before letting her know how much I appreciate everything she has done.

“I love you.” She whispers back, “I feel Kelley here.”

She squeezes me one more time and runs towards Ali linking their arms together. As I watch my friends laughing and having a good time. I realize that Kelley is here with all of us. I feel her in my heart, I see her in the eyes of my family, and the laughter of our new friends.

As I walk towards the ones I love I feel the weight of guilt fall off of my shoulders.

I look down smiling, thinking about the love of my life.

“Hi Kelley.” I whisper feeling completely at peace.

 


	19. Chapter 19

“Alright Tobin just a little bit to the left.” We move the couch over and place it down, “There that should be good.”

“Dude I can’t move any more furniture.” She plops down on the couch, “We’ve been doing this all day.”

“We’re almost done.” I wipe the sweat from my forehead. Tobin and I have been moving into the new house since seven this morning. We didn’t want to waste money on movers helping us because we figured the six of us could do it. Sydney and Kristie ended up getting two appointments so they couldn’t make it. Alex and Kelley were supposed to go out and buy some supplies and paint so we can start painting tomorrow.

“Where the hell are the girls?” She groans, “They should be helping us.”

“I know dude but if we want to get everything done then we have to keep going.”

“I don’t even get why we are moving everything in when we’re just going to have to move it all for you guys to paint.”

“That’s why we are only moving in and unpacking the necessity stuff. Kelley wants people to be able to sit and have our bathroom somewhat accessible.”

“What about the bedroom?”

“We have the bed in so we will make do for the night.” Tobin and I spend the next hour getting all of our living room furniture organized in the living room.

The doors open as Tobin and I are finishing up. Kelley and Alex walk in laughing about something. I immediately feel the heat rising in my cheeks when I see the multiple shopping bags in their hands from several clothing stores.

“Where the hell have you been?” I ask so angrily they immediately stop laughing.

“Uh well we went to go get some tools we thought you guys may need but then we may have gotten a little sidetracked.” Alex responds apologetically.

“We have been doing this for hours and you two decided to go shopping?” I shake my head feeling unbelievably annoyed.

“Not cool dudes.” Tobin agrees with my annoyance. “We have been lugging furniture in all morning.”

“We’re sorry.” Alex puts her head down slightly looking up at Tobin for forgiveness.

“Don’t pull that with me” Tobin puts her hands up, “That won’t work this time.”

Kelley puts down the bag, pulling out a smaller one. I can already tell where it’s from and what it’s going to be.

“Babe,” She looks up at me with her signature apologetic puppy dog eyes, “I got you this.”

“Don’t bother.” I move past her ignoring the kind gesture, “I’m going for a longboard cruise.”

“See you later.” Tobin kisses Alex, grabbing her longboard to join me.

“This better be taken care of when I get back.” I look at Kelley and Alex sternly.

“Yes.” They say in unison. Tobin and I take off on our longboards looking to get a break from the house.

“Think they will?” Tobin asks smiling, knowing that Alex and Kelley know they messed up.

“Oh yeah.” I smile knowing that they will be taking care of everything the rest of the night.

*

“Alright Alex can you hurry up.” I push getting annoyed at how slow she’s going.

“Ashlyn have you ever heard of the word patience?” She remarks back as she scans her cards.

“Yes and I think I’ve been patient and I’ve also turned a year older because you’re taking so long.”

“Fine.” She places a diamond two, three, and four down. “Also this five goes with Tobin’s and my sevens goes with yours.”

“Okay discard one.” Alex glances over at Kelley and then places an ace in the discard pile. We have been playing a heated game of rummy all night. Our scores have been varying each round but this is the round where I can take it home for the win. I currently have 475 but on my turn I can get almost fifty points as long as Kelley doesn’t go out.

I currently have three fours down for fifteen and if I put these three tens down and my queen on Alex’s three then I can get out. All I have to do is wait for Kelley’s turn.

Kelley picks up the ace Alex put down and Tobin’s jack and places three jacks down and places four Aces on the table. She discards her last card with a giant smirk.

“Well ladies it looks like I’m out so it’s time to count em’.” I feel deflated when I look down at my hand and realize I have negative forty sitting there. I subtract forty from fifteen and end the round with a negative twenty five.

“I have thirty five.”

“I have fifteen.”

“Negative twenty five.” I mumble.

“And I have plus ninety.” She smiles proudly, “That leaves me with a grand total of 510, looks like I won.” She looks around, “So Tobin ended with a 485, Alex with a 460, and Ashlyn with a 455…looks like you lost babe.”

“That means you guys have to forgive us.” Alex stands up victoriously.

“Yes it does! Let’s go get ready Lex.” Kelley and Alex bound upstairs to their rooms to get ready. When we got home Alex and Kelley had rummy set up with some beer. They said that they one of them won then they were forgiven. If we won then they had to make it up to us. When Tobin and I had gotten back they finished moving the rest of the furniture and cleaned up any messes, so I didn’t feel to mad. I just wanted to win.

Once I let my pride calm down I go upstairs to get ready in Kelley’s room. Kelley and I just moved into our house and we are all going out to celebrate.

I’m in the middle of looping my tie that matches my vest when Kelley walks in from the bathroom.

She’s in a cute black dress that fits her curves perfectly, with her hair wavy and falling to one shoulder. She walks up to me and stands in front of the mirror facing me. She takes over tying my tie and I feel the calmness settle in.

“You look amazing.” She smiles at me after scanning my outfit.

“Nothing compared to you.” I return her smile. She grabs the small bag taking out the watch she had bought me earlier. “This watch is amazing.”

“I knew it was for you the moment I saw it. I’m sorry I had to beat you at rummy tonight.” She teases me but I can’t bring myself to even pretend to be mad. “I just couldn’t have you mad at me.”

“Don’t worry I don’t mind.” I smile nonchalantly, “You’ll just be sleeping outside tonight.”

Kelley slaps me on the butt leaving the room to go greet Sydney and Kristie downstairs. I finish getting ready and head out with everyone knowing tonight is going to be a good night.

*

“Tonight was awful.” I groan as I hold the cold water bottle to my eye.

“Ashlyn I am so sorry I really thought you saw me.” Kelley slurs out apologetically.

“What makes you think that I was going to spontaneously do the dirty dancing move with you in the middle of the club?”  My response gets Tobin tearing up with laughter. Alex is laughing right along with her.

“I don’t know I just really felt it in the moment.”

“You mean-” Tobin tries to speak but can’t contain her laughter, “You’re telling me that…that in a crowded club with everyone dancing all up on each other while listening to house music made you really feel that the dirty dancing move was perfect for that moment?”

“And that Ashlyn would be able to read your mind and know that you wanted her to lift you above her head?” Sydney pipes in drunk in the back of the car.

Everyone’s laughter make the migraine I have ten times worse.

“Okay obviously it wasn’t the best idea.” Kelley slurs out. I can tell she’s drunk because her eyes are barely open and she has that aggravating smile on her face.

“Not the best idea?” Alex scoffs out, “You smacked her in the head with your beer bottle.”

“Ash how did you not see her running towards you.” Kristie pops up from laying in the back on Sydney’s lap.

“I was trying to figure out what Tobin was trying to say.” I wince at the pain above my eye, “I didn’t think I was going to be surprise attacked by my own girlfriend.”

“I’ll buy you a new eye okay?”

“Oh wow thanks.” I scoff.

“Don’t be mad at me.” She kisses my cheek but I turn away.

I’m annoyed that I’m in pain and want Kelley to have to swear this out. She grabs my hand and I let her hold it for a couple seconds before pulling it away.

She can sweat it out a little bit until we get home.

We get dropped off at home and I head into the bathroom to wash up and get for bed. I’m mad at Kelley for hitting me in the eye and being a careless drunk. I get into bed and lay there waiting for Kelley to come in with her puppy dog eyes and her pout that gets her out of anything. I toss and turn for about a half an hour before finally giving in to go find Kelley.

I look all through the house and can’t find her anywhere. I start to panic and head into the kitchen, tripping right over her shoe. I catch myself, slamming my elbow into the floor with my knee following behind.

I look up and see her other shoe right by the door. I walk into the back yard that leads to the beach and follow the pathway to find my drunk girlfriend sitting on the beach. She’s sitting on top of a sleeping bag and has our living room pillows with her. There is a tent next to her and by the looks of the tent and Kelley I can tell they had a struggle.

“Kelley.” I look down at her trying not to smile. “What are you doing?”

“Well my dear girlfriend, you told me to sleep outside tonight so that is exactly what I’m doing.”

“Seriously?”

“Oh very serious.” I realize then that she isn’t going to budge so I head back inside to make her a peanut butter sandwich and coffee. I sit down behind her wrapping my arms around her and we sit there in silence.

“Babe do you think we moved too fast? Buying our own house?” Kelley final breaks the silence.

“Are you worried that we did?” I ask concerned.

“No of course not.” She leans into me, “I’m so excited, I just wanted to make sure you were sure.”

“Says the girl who has said no to marrying me twice already.” I scoff teasingly, but I know she hears the underlining seriousness.

“We are going to have our whole lives together.” She kisses my arm, “There is no rush.”

“And how do you know you won’t find some hot babe?” I joke.

“Because you’re my soulmate.” She shrugs so certain that I am, “I’ve never felt so much towards anyone ever before. I’m going to be with you forever, we’re going to have so many adventures together, we are going to watch each other grow old, and we’re going to be amazing parents someday.”

“Sounds like I’m stuck with you.”

“You love me.” She sighs contentedly, “Always.”

“Never.” I tease knowing that she knows I’m not going anywhere.

We spend the rest of the night talking about our future, what we want to do with our lives, and all the adventures we want to go on. We talked so long that the sun started to come up before we realized what time it was.

“Look how beautiful the sun is.” I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Not as beautiful as you.”

“That’s so cheesy.” She laughs.

“I know.” I smile knowing I made her laugh, “I had fun with you tonight. I guess it wasn’t such a bad night after all, but why don’t we head inside and get a few hours of sleep? We have a lot of unpacking to do.”

“I’m so tired will you carry me?” Kelley pouts. I huff out pretending like it’s a nuisance. Over the last couple years we have formed a habit. Kelley will ask me to carry her and no matter where we are or what we are doing, I carry her.

“Of course.”

*

I sit in the same spot where we used to watch the sun rise and set so many times before. The sun is rising and it was around this time last year that Kelley took her final breath. It was the last time I felt her lips against mine and her body pressed against me.

I sit in peaceful silence waiting to open the letter I have in my hand with my closest friends. I know today Kelley will have a celebratory type of plan. She would never want us to be sad and today I don’t want to be sad. I want to spend the day remembering Kelley and embracing the life we shared.

I head inside knowing everyone is already waiting for me.

As soon as I open the back door I smell coffee, bacon, and something cinnamon. When I look into the kitchen all of my friends are busy setting the table and making breakfast.

“Hey good morning.” Alex comes over kissing me on the cheek.

“Hey bud.” Tobin gives me a firm squeeze and as I continue to hug each friend the more and more comforted I feel.

“Alright guy’s breakfast is ready.” Kristie smiles grabbing the last French toast off of the pan and into the pan with the rest.

Tobin grabs the coffee, cream, and sugar while Alex grabs the fruit and Sydney grabs the syrup. We all sit down as a happy family and enjoy Kelley’s favorite breakfast.

“Heather called while you were gone.” Sydney says with a mouthful, “She wishes she could be here with us and said that whatever we do today to know she is right here with us.”

“You know Kelley would through half of the French toast by now.” Alex chuckles, “She loved her breakfast foods. I remember one time she wanted to surprise me with breakfast. This was when we were living together still and she almost caught the entire kitchen on fire. I’ve never seen someone burn something so badly before.” Alex laughs at the memory.

“Yeah and then you guys came to our house, woke us up just to make you two breakfast.” Tobin adds on to the memory.

I remember that day we were just getting to know them but Kelley didn’t care, she came barging over anyways. I remember she came into my room without even knocking first before telling me to get up and make her breakfast. That was around the time I knew she was going to be someone important in my life.

We continue to tell happy stories about Kelley and her antics. We could barely make it through the entire breakfast without someone choking or spitting something up.

We all clean up the kitchen and get ready to sit in the living room. We all squeeze onto the same couch all fitting except for Sydney who sits on Kristie’s lap.

I press play on the dvd.

It shows our bed empty as Kelley fusses with the focus on the camera. She prances to the bed jumping on it like a little kid. She smiles into the camera and I have to remember to breathe. The light is coming in through the window and shining against her face. The light accentuates her eyes and makes her freckles even more prominent than usual. She has a breathtaking elegance to her that I will never be able to put into words.

“Hi friends.” She sighs out happily. “You guys are currently outside arguing about something silly so I decided to come in and make this video quickly. We all know what this video is for by now…and well I guess it’s been a year since we have been together.” She smiles sadly, “It has been a long journey this past year and I just want to say how proud I am of all of you.” She looks out the window for a moment and closes her eyes.

She breathes in deep like she breathing in the sun, like the warmth will give her the strength that she needs to make this video.

“I’m not sure what day it is today…” She pauses and I realize she doesn’t know that date. My stomach thinks realizing how scary that is. “I know that you all have had your challenges with this and I hope that my videos and letters have helped. Today I hope you can all be at the point where we can celebrate today and not mourn.”

She reaches for a piece of paper on the bed and holds it up triumphantly.

“So in order to ensure that you guys are celebrating today I want you to open the note I left for you and complete the first item on my bucket list.”

I pull out the folded piece of paper that has Kelley’s writing on it. The note is labeled Kelley’s Bucket List and has a long list of things she wanted to do in her life.

A pang of sadness releases through me but I push it away quickly. I look at her number one on my bucket list and can’t help but let out a chuckle.

I can remember the day she begged me to do it. We drove for a couple of hours trying to find this place and we ended up getting so lost we had to stay the night at a hotel.  We never ended up doing what she wanted but we did have an amazing weekend together.

“Tell us what we are doing.” Tobin is eager to figure out what adventure Kelley has for us.

“Skydiving.” I say it and get some mixed emotions and like it was on cue Kelley starts to laugh.

“Kris and Syd it isn’t a big deal, you will be fine I promise!” Kelley smiles encouragingly, “So you all now know what I want you to do today to celebrate. You should be there by at least 10:00am so you better get going now.” She claps happily, “Now if I could have a moment alone with my wife.” She nods looking from one side of the screen to the other.”

 

“Alright guys let’s get going.” Tobin stands up to lead the group out of the room.

“Before you guys leave I just want you to all know how much I love and miss you guys.”

“I love you’s” were said throughout the group before they went into the other room to get their stuff ready.

Kelley smiles patiently at the screen and I can feel her warmth surround me. She takes in a deep breath, blowing it out before she starts. I feel the anticipation soaking in.

“Hey beautiful.” She breathes out, “I just want you to know that I am so proud of you. I can’t put in to words how proud I am that you have stayed so strong. I know that it must seem unbearable at times but I know you have pushed past it. I know you have built a successful and beautiful café. I know you have a gorgeous dog that you have fallen in love with.” She winks, “I told you that we needed a dog! They make everything better. I just want you to know that I know you are making steps to moving on and I am so happy for you that you are.You better get going before Sydney starts to back out. Celebrate today for me beautiful because I’ll constantly be by your side. I love you Ashlyn.” Kelley blows me a kiss. “Oh and Ashlyn… carry me.”

The camera shuts off and I let the sound of her voice soak into my skin.

“Ready to go bud?” Tobin asks walking in with my back pack.

“Of course.” I smile letting the video uplift and carry me through today.

*

It’s about a two hour drive to where we are going. It’s a beautiful day out so we all piled into my jeep and are on our way.

“I can’t believe we have to skydive can’t we do anything else?”Kristie moans

“We are doing something else, we are having a bonfire tonight and we are going to donate money to a charity.” Tobin smiles excitingly.

“She has so much on this list.” Alex smiles staring at the paper.

“Well we have forever to get it done.” I smile feeling motivated by Kelley’s video to skydive.

“What charity are we doing?” Sydney asks and it’s been something I have been thinking about.

“Well Ali is involved with a charity and that group for individuals or families dealing with cancer. I think we should split it and donate to both. It would really help out.”  I suggest.

“That sounds perfect.” Syd says excitedly, “win you some bonus points with Ali too.” This gets some noise from the car.

“Have you talked to her today?” Alex asks.

“I think she is giving me some space to have today to be with you guys, but she did text me telling me she was thinking of me.” I feel my face flush thinking about how understanding Ali has been leading up to today. We have been so open and able to discuss my feelings. She has helped me in ways I don’t think anyone else would have been able to.

“You guys have been spending a lot of time together Ash.” Kris notes smiling. I know they all love Ali and I think she would be the only girl that they would approve of. “Things getting serious?”

“I think so.” I smile thinking about how close we have gotten.

“Well we are happy for you.” Alex turns to me and I can tell she genuinely means it.

We sit listening to music letting the noise and surroundings put our mind at ease. Sydney starts to sing obnoxiously and we end up all joining her in her twisted version of a Katy Perry song. Tobin ends up laughing so hard she starts to choke and Kristie has to shove her hand against Sydney’s mouth to get her to stop.

“Sydney you’re killing Tobin.” Alex jokingly yells.

“Hold on guys.” Kristie yells, “Ash can you turn the music down. Hope is calling me.”

Hope and Kristie are still together but it’s been a little rocky. Ever since Kristie moved back to our place, Hope and her have been walking on eggshells. Kristie is constantly in paranoia that Hope isn’t happy, mostly because Hope isn’t happy. I see it in Hope’s eyes at work or whenever Kristie leaves. I think Hope knows it isn’t working but she continues to hold on.

“Hello.” Kristie laughs at Sydney who won’t stop tickling Tobin causing Tobin to squirm all over the back seat. “No no sorry I’m here, Sydney is just-” Kristie pauses for a second listening to Hope, “No Hope I told you-”

I look in my rearview mirror and I can tell Hope and Kristie are fighting. Kristie has her eyes closed and Sydney is staring at her sympathetically.

“Hope...no let me just say some-” Kristie tries to cut Hope off, but it isn’t successful, “Don’t pull that shit with me! I told you I wouldn’t be around today because of-“I can’t hear what Hope is saying but I can tell by the look on Kristie, Sydney, and Tobin’s faces that it definitely isn’t good.

“Stop right there…will you just listen-.” Kristie raises her voice into the phone, “I told you today I would be with my friends. It’s Kelley’s one year, you know that…Hope I did tell you…I told you when we hung out the other day…I’m…you’re right I’m sorry I really thought I told you…Hope you know I care…I probably won’t be back at all tonight…I know you wanted me to meet your friends…I forgot…I’m sorry Hope…bye.”

The car goes silent and I can see Sydney grab Kristie’s hand for comfort. Kristie has her head on her hands and Sydney is whispering something to her.

“I can’t keep doing this.” Kristie replies back in a sad voice, “It just isn’t the same anymore.”

“What’s going on?” Alex asks concerned.

“Hope had asked me to meet her friends and I guess I misunderstood her or I wasn’t listening to when she wanted me to. She has been waiting for me to go up to her friend’s lake house.”

“She will understand.”

“I heard the underlying anger in her voice that was just filled with disappointment as well.” Kristie scoffs, “Whatever I’ll deal with it later, for now I just want to spend time with my friends.”

“That’s the spirit!” Sydney tries to lighten the mood, “Now let’s turn that music up!”

We spend the rest of the car ride listening to Sydney’s music and trying to make sure she doesn’t kill anyone with her singing and impromptu dance moves.

*

“Welcome to Bay Area Skydiving.” A man greets us happily as soon as we walk in, “My name is Jeff and I’m the owner and an instructor here. What can I do for you guys today?”

“Well we are here to skydive.” I shrug not really knowing how to go about this.

“So why don’t we get you guys set up…here are some clipboards with some information to fill out.” He passes us paperwork to fill out.”

“Thanks.” I smile at me.

“You know you look really familiar.” He says staring at me for a moment. “Have you been here before?”

“No we’re from San Fran.” I explain.

“I didn’t catch your name.”

“Ashlyn O’Hara.” A realization flickers in his eyes for a moment followed by a brief sadness.

“Kelley’s wife?”

“Kelley O’Hara would be my wife.” I give him a small smile feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

 “We’ve been expecting you.” He says sadly, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.” I nod my head, quickly wanting to move on I try to redirect the conversation, “So you were expecting us?”

“Yes you are going to be tandem skydiving today!” He quickly bounces back from his mood, “Kelley has it all set up and it looks like we have everyone who we need here except one? “

“Heather couldn’t join us today.” I reply.

“Alright that’s okay.” He looks at a clipboard then back up at me, “Kelley is was very enthusiastic about this. Why don’t you guys follow me so we can get started?”

 I walk into a small office and eye the room. Jeff makes a phone call telling him not to schedule anyone else and that he will be full and needs instructors. I land on a picture of two people with a jumpsuit and harnesses on. I realize with shock that one of them is Kelley. I must’ve made a face because I hear a small chuckle from him when I pick up the picture frame.

“Didn’t know Kelley skydived before?”

“Not at all.” I look up at him, “How long ago was this?”

“It was last March or April. She came in one day with another girl and she wanted-”

“With who?” I ask curiously.

“What was her name…”He thought for a moment. “It’s awful I can’t think of it. Kelley brought her here to do it and I can’t even remember the girl’s name. She hard dark hair…what was it?”

“Didn’t Erin come up around that time?” Alex tries to think of who it could be.

“Yeah she was.” Tobin agreed. “Sound familiar?”’

“You know that actually does sound like a familiar name to me!” He smiles at the recognition. “Anyways she came in and wanted this girl to experience skydiving. During the paperwork she told me about her situation. I could tell she was struggling with it so I suggested that she do it too.”

“Did she love it?” I ask curiously.

“She said it was life altering. You’re freefalling at about 120 miles an hour. I think that say she definitely got she was looking for.” He smiles remembering their experience. “Anyways she came and saw me a couple weeks later. Kelley told us all about you and it is honestly a pleasure to finally meet you. We’ve sadly been waiting quite some time for this day. It is our honor to be able to help you check off Kelley’s number one on her bucket list.”

“Well we’re excited.”

“Except for Kristie and Sydney?” He questions looking at his paperwork that he pulled from a folder from his desk. “It says that they might give me a hard time.”

We all look at Kristie and Syd who have fear written all over their faces.

“Maybe a little.” Sydney grumbles and everyone laughs.

“Well we will take good care of you here today.” He smiles excitedly, “It is one of the most exhilarating experiences. So let’s get you all set up.”

 

We spend the next half hour filling out forms and meeting our instructors. We each got paired with an instructor who guides us through the process and answered our questions.

Once we all learn the basics of freefall body position and what we need to do to have an easy freefall we board the aircraft.

“Are we going to die?” Kristie asks nervously as we ascend into the air.

 “No you won’t die.” Her instructor laughs.

We reach the designated altitude and we are all buzzing with nerves.

“Alright who goes first?” Jeff asks all of us.

“I will.” I raise my hand immediately excited to experience what Kelley already has.

“Alright then.” He smiles. “Ready to make a skydive?”

“Yes.”

The next think I know I hear loud noises from the door opening and I’m sliding on my knees to the edge of the door. All of my thoughts vanish as we are leaning forward over the edge and with that were out of the aircraft.

The experience was euphoric.  I feel the adrenaline pumping through my body. Descending to the ground felt like time stood completely still. There is nothing around you that makes you feel like you’re moving. The force of the wind pushing up at me is the strongest thing I have ever felt. I close my eyes relishing in the feeling. In that moment I felt Kelley all around me. I felt her embrace, her warmth, and her power. I was in my own world, time frozen, and Kelley is all around me. I feel never but utter peace and serenity. 

Jeff pulls the chute and we drastically slow down. I feel a slight dizziness take over but I hold on to the moment.  I look around taking in the surrounding and how gorgeous the view is. We get to the landing as the chute begins to level out and we slide forward into grass.

I’m on the ground. The moment is over and I feel like I’m in complete shock.

“How was it?” Jeff laughs still feeling the adrenaline.

“I don’t even know how to answer that.” I laugh along with him.

It takes a few minutes for all of us to finally meet up and when we do we can’t help but laugh and hug. Along with some very happy tears.

*

It’s been almost six hours since we skydived and we still can’t put into words how extraordinary the experience was.

We came home and immediately got food to make hamburgers and hot dogs. On Kelley’s bucket list it said she wanted us to celebrate her with a bonfire. We came down to the beach and have been pigging out on food and beer since we got here.

We played soccer and Frisbee for a while letting KO join us in the fun. We walked along the beach putting our toes into the sand. Everyone was light from our experience and I could tell that it changed us. There is such clarity and calmness in everyone’s expressions.

“Dude I honestly just cannot get over it.” Tobin smiles, passing me another beer. We finally are resting and enjoying the “It’s just, it puts everything in perspective.”

“It really did.” Sydney agrees as she stares at Kristie.

 “All I want right now is to enjoy this food, this beer and this fire with you guys.” Kristie raises her beer.

“Cheers to that.”

“Cheers.”

“Amen!”

“Cheers.” I smile at all of my friends enjoying this moment and today. Kristie’s phone goes off for the third time that night. She looks at her phone and puts it back down.

“Hope?” Tobin questions.

“Yes.” Kristie huffs out taking another drink of her beer. “Third apology text slash wish you were here.”

“You know Kris if you aren’t happy then you shouldn’t stay.”

“I was happy or I thought I was.” I can tell Kristie is struggling with her decision, “It was just so easy with her.”

“Easy doesn’t mean its better.” Sydney voices her opinion, “Love shouldn’t be easy. It should be fun, exciting, a pain in the ass, laughter, and at the end of the day worth it.”

“Like a wise girl once told me, if it doesn’t make you happy then it isn’t worth the trouble.”

“Kelley?”

“Sounds like it.” Tobin smirks.

“Oh god do I miss her.” Alex looks up at the clear sky, “She loved the beach, everything about it. She loved us. “Do you realize how happy and proud Kelley is?” Alex looks at all of us, “We have come such a long way and we have been through so much, and at the end of the day we are all still together.”

“We’re awesome.” Sydney shrugs feeling content.

“I remember the first day I met Kelley. A boy named Travis took my favorite doll and would give it back. Well Kelley came stomping over and pushed him right on the ground. She got right on top of him and pushed his face right in the sand and said if he touched my doll again he would give me a knuckle sandwich.” Alex laughs at the memory, “She was so tough.”

“Well let me tell you about the first time I actually like met her besides at the beach party.” Sydney begins and we all groan at this story. “Guys it’s not that bad!”

“You almost got arrested!”

“Yeah Kristie and Kelley had to talk with police officers just to let you go.”

“It wasn’t my fault that the cop didn’t know I was princess of the Netherlands.”

“You’re an idiot.” Alex groans, laughing at Sydney’s stupid antics.

We tell stories about our time with each other and Kelley. The storied usually involved Kelley embarrassing herself or us, getting us in some crazy situation, pissing us off, or us dying in laughter.

I looked around at my friends, feeling so blessed and lucky to have them in my life. We have been through such a hard and long year but we have made it. We have picked up the pieces and put them back together the best we can.

Kelley helped us pull each other up. Kelley has continued to stay in our lives and help us through losing her.

I feel so blessed to have been the love of her life.

The night slowly comes to an end and everyone starts to say their goodbyes. Alex and Tobin go back to their house. Kristie and Sydney head inside to go to bed and I head to mine and Kelley’s spot.

 “Hey boy.” I laugh as KO comes up to me wigging his entire body in excitement. He runs around in circles sniffing the sand and enjoying the cool night air.

I sit here trying to remember this feeling of skydiving but it almost feels impossible. I can see why Kelley encouraged it so much. Jeff told me that skydiving for Kelley somehow brought her courage and strength to tell me about her cancer. It gave her strength and took away her fear.

I feel like it took away my doubt. It’s like the whole way down the wind that wrapped around me wiped away any fear or doubt about not making Kelley happy or following what she would want.

I feel so at peace and I know that is what Kelley wanted for all of us. She knew this would happen.

I don’t know how to thank her enough.

I sit there a little longer throwing a stick for KO until he was tired and ready to go inside.  I stand up from our spot inhaling the cool night air.

I think about Ali then and how all night I wished she was there with me. I should text her once I charge my phone.

When I get to the front walk way I stop and smile in amusement as I watch Ali pace back and forth at my front porch. He face is serious and I can tell she is deep in thought.

“You know if you stay here much longer the neighbors are going to call the cops.” Ali jumps at my voice clearly startled.

“Hey Ash.” She smiles embarrassed.

“What are you doing here?”

“Well I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I texted you a couple times just to check in on you and when you didn’t text back I got worried…I just wanted to make sure…honestly I just really missed you and was worried. I know today was important and you needed to be with your friends but I just really wanted to be here in case you needed someone.” Her face is focused and concerned. Her eyes are wondering my face looking for a response and her eyebrows are doing that cute furrow thing she does.

“I missed you.” I smile wrapping my hands around her waist, “I missed you all day.”

“I missed you.” She wraps her arms around my neck, “Are you okay?”

“Honestly, yes.” I say confidently. “Thank you for stopping by to make sure thought, it is really sweet of you.”

“What did you do today?”

“We went skydiving. Kelley gave us this bucket list and her number one thing was skydiving. When we got there I found out she already did it before. I think she just wanted to experience what she did. Alex the experience was just-”

“The most exhilarating thing you have ever experienced.” She smiles.

“You’ve done it before?”

“Yes I did.” She looks at me, “Don’t think you’re the only one who is adventurous.”

“You continue to amaze me.” I hold her tighter, “You know all day all I wanted to do was have you there. Is that weird? I feel like you’re a part of our family now and like you knew Kelley. I’m just really glad you’re here now.”

“I just-” I kiss Ali and it instantly spreads warmth through my body. She moves her lips slightly and I feel the dizziness and excitement ignite my body.

I realize then that the feeling of her lips is a lot like freefalling. 


End file.
